So I guess this is an AU where Hannibal and Will start dating, around first season. I imagined Will's insecurities, had that happened, so here is this.
It all ended as coldly as it began.
Hannibal had always been charming, always able to make you believe whatever he wanted. He could make you fall in love with him following textbook gentleman etiquette without so much as blinking; but, when it came to his real self, he became cold. Afraid to be hurt, like the rest of the world, perhaps.
And Will… He was as romantic as a rock. Talking about his feelings never came easy for him.
So it was no surprise it ended like that.
"I don't love you anymore" said with an empty tone. "I think I love someone else now"
And walking away calmly after that, feeling the piercing look on his back.
That was the last time Will saw him.
Exactly how it started… It was all but a blur.
They'd always been sort of flirtatious; it was in Hannibal's nature, after all. So, when one day, while they were in therapy, another flirtation started, it seemed like nothing else.
Perhaps, Will said too much. He'd had a glass of whiskey before attending to therapy. That might have been his mistake. He grew tired of playing around something undefined, something so blurry.
So Hannibal allowed them to become something else; something more than friends. Whatever they were, Will was never sure; it sometimes seemed like they were still just friends. Talking about everything, about nothing, meditating about the darkest corners of their minds.
Maybe that's where the difference laid; Hannibal had allowed Will to see him like no one before had.
But Will was happy, nevertheless.
"In a world filled with dullness, you have always been a beautiful dying star, Will. The only thing worth observing, worth worshipping"
He sometimes said stuff like that; and in those moments, Will was the happiest person walking the surface of Earth, even if he would only reply with some salty comment to the statement.
So, when it ended, when Will suddenly decided to walk away, it was no surprise Hannibal barely tried to stop him.
Perhaps he'd grown tired of Will's coldness.
The premise was that he'd fallen for someone else.
Truth is, Alana had asked him out.
It had always been something in the back of his mind, Will thought; something he always ignored.
But when she asked, it seemed like a way out. Will said to himself it was what he really wanted all along, it was a chance to have true happiness.
Truth is, it was only Will's way of running away from the scary happiness Hannibal brought him. It was a way of never admitting that his future laid there, along with the foreign man. It was a way of not getting hurt, really.
So they started going out, just like Will said to himself it should always had been.
Will told her he loved her.
Truth is, he only loved Hannibal.
Truth is, he was only running away.
Again.
It was surprisingly easy to avoid the truth, even for someone like Will.
Going out with Alana every now and then, it was so easy to pretend he wasn't thinking about him the whole time.
It was so easy to pretend to listen to the small talk, like he wasn't thinking of all the meaningful conversations he'd had with him.
It was so easy to pretend he liked the food, like he wasn't thinking about all the times Hannibal had cooked for him.
It was so easy to pretend the smile on his face. So easy to say "I love you" back, like he actually felt it.
He even started to think that, maybe, he did love Alana.
To hell with everything; he loved her more than anything.
The smile on her face, the look in her eyes whenever she'd look at him, her hair, her tall figure, her tanned skin, her foreign accent, that lovely way he had of kissing him, his husky voice…
Fuck.
Just a slip.
He loved Alana.
He did.
At least, the first month seemed surprisingly easy. Everything after that… it seemed like the drug effect had worn off. Like he was starting to get sober, bit by bit.
Suddenly, he realized that, when he looked up, the Sun didn't seem as bright; it didn't warm him like it usually did.
Every sleepless night felt so lonely, felt so empty. The moon wasn't as beautiful, nor was the sky.
He'd whisper to himself, in the middle of the night, it was because Alana had forgotten about their first month anniversary. That's why life seemed so dull now.
"Come with me, Will" A husky voice would whisper to him.
He'd walk towards it, in the middle of the fog, trying to figure out the shape made out of shadows he'd see in front of him.
"Let's run away together, Will"
Every step he gave, it seemed as if the shadow was getting further away.
"Do you think you'd enjoy Florence, Will?"
The voice was quieter every time. Will started to run desperately towards it, trying to catch it before it went away completely.
"Why do you have to lie to yourself?"
He felt tears streaming down his face. He closed them, and kept on running. It felt like his legs were getting slower and slower, as if a shadow was consuming him.
"Look up, Will"
And so he did.
He wasn't running towards Hannibal; he was running away from him.
Waking up, covered in sweat, he thought maybe he wouldn't be able to run away from it any longer.
His mind was so tired of pretending, his facial muscles so sore of faking a smile every day.
Getting up to let the dogs walk outside for a bit, he found himself looking through old files and books, not so sure of what he was looking for. Maybe something to calm his nerves, something to make him forget about all that was going through his troubled mind.
He stopped immediately when he found a letter, with his name perfectly written in beautiful calligraphy over white paper.
The sole sight of Hannibal's writing brought him to tears.
And so he cried; he cried and cried, letting everything he'd been holding inside for so long get out. He cried until he couldn't cry anymore, until he found himself screaming at the darkness, his throat dry and sore.
How could he ever love such a broken mind?
He screamed into the empty room.
How could he not abandon him after he'd grow tired of him, had he not abandoned him first?
Winston, his dog, seemed to notice the screaming. He started barking at the door, begging to be let in again.
How could he ever love me?
He screamed.
Why didn't he stop me?
Another stream of tears started wetting his face.
Why do I always run away?
He knew there was no going back. He knew he couldn't fix this.
Why did I lie to him?
He'd have to live alone forever, without no one who loved him like Hannibal had loved him.
Why do I keep running away from happiness?
No one would understand him ever again like Hannibal did.
No one would accept him like he did.
Why do I still love him so much?
Why had he ran away? Was it because he was afraid of being seen with a man? Not just that; a serial killer?
I have always loved him no matter what. So why did I run?
Or was it because he was afraid of being happy?
Would he ever forgive me?
The warmth he felt when he was with Hannibal, a warmth like no other that he refused to admit, held a cruel promise within itself; a cold, the cruelest, freezing breeze would wait for him after Hannibal would leave him.
Because he would leave him; Will knew that. He had to get bored eventually. That's why he left.
I love him.
He had to accept his mistake. There was no going back.
So, so much.
He would have to accept the loneliness that he'd forgotten because of him.
He'd have to let it in again.
It's unbearable.
He'd already accept it before, long ago, before he even met Hannibal. So why did it hurt so much now?
I will never stop loving him.
Sitting in the middle of his empty room, with his hand still trembling above the letter, he accepted his grim fate.
He accepted that he had ruined his only chance at true happiness.
His only chance of the brightest future.
God help me.
Wiping the last tear from his face, he accepted he would always be alone. He would never be understood, nor loved ever again. Not like that.
And the Sun will never shine as bright.
And I am so alone.