Sunshine

The truth was Kate Beckett always hated rain. No, actually it was more of a love-hate relationship. Rain was fine for watching, at least for a while. As long as you're inside, warm and cozy. There was no problem with the rain as far she was concerned. Not for a day at least. But long stretches of rain were awful, no matter how cozy you were. Not because of the rain, really, but because of the dreary gray that the rain always brought along with it. The lack of sunlight really got to her after a while.

For someone so used to being emotionally wrapped in darkness, her need for sunlight probably would have surprised most people. Okay, that was a morbid thought. But true. Sort of. But it wasn't all that surprising, not to Kate. As she thought of it, to suggest that she didn't seek the sunshine was to say that she preferred the darkness. She doesn't, never had. It only seemed that the darkness always found a way to her. It isn't as if she went looking for it. She went looking for sunshine.

And, in the grand scheme of things she knew this was where her partner came in. Castle is all about the light, the sunshine. He's joy, and jokes, and silliness. A far cry her normally serious and detached demeanor. But she knows - and she suspects he knows it as well - Kate has always preferred the sunshine. It isn't that she doesn't have that about her, only that it takes more to bring it out in her. It takes the right moment, the right circumstances. And more and more, it takes him.

She remembered her former captain telling her, that day when she insisted that she wanted nothing more than Castle gone from the precinct, that the reason he kept the writer around was because he was good for her. Even in her anger, even in her desire to be free of him, she couldn't argue that point. Didn't argue with the truth that was so clear, even then.

It didn't stop her from wandering into the path of self-destruction, she realized. When she got into one of her darker tracks, very little did. Why hadn't she seen, last year? Why hadn't she realized it then? One would think that getting shot in the chest would certainly make you realize quite a bit.

Perhaps that wasn't the question, though. She had seen plenty. Realized plenty. She had known then, all along. Not just that he was in love with her, but that she was in love with him. So, maybe it wasn't simply a question of seeing, of realizing, of knowing. Maybe the truth was it was more a question of acknowledging. She had told herself all this past year, the reason she wasn't ready to acknowledge it was because she was still focused on healing. But he was sunshine, he was the cure. How could you heal without it?

It's the most necessary of elements in everyday life, sunshine. We may go days and days under the clouds, she knew. She spent a lot of time under grey clouds. But we needed the sunshine to live. We always do. Why has it taken her so long to realize she needed the sunshine. She knew better. Had always known better.

The soaking she had taken from the rain made her clothes feel heavy. Weighted down. She hated that too. She needed sunshine. She needed him.

She stood up and started walking.