A/N: Here we are again! This first chapter takes place three months after the end of Someday I Will Understand. We catch up with Ana on her 89th day of rehab. This edition of the story should be a bit lighter than the last two...but by now you know that I like a little drama. I just won't beat you over the head with it this time. Okay?
Chapter 1: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow (as performed by Amy Winehouse)
I had been through hell and God only knows what his plan was...and even though I wasn't quite sure why things had happened this way...my hope is that someday I will understand.
"I love you baby!"
"I love you too, Britt. See you tomorrow, right?"
"Yes...Dani has a cold so she's going to stay home with Gladys...so it's just me and Izzy."
"I can't wait to see him walking!"
"And talking! He is so talkative!"
"Is he happy?"
"Yes...always!"
"Do you think he even misses me?"
"What? Ana...of course he does!"
"Okay."
"I'm serious!"
"I believe you. I'm just...it's been a really long time. Three whole months since I last saw him or the baby. I miss him and Daniela so much!"
"And me?"
"Yes! So much!"
"Good. Well Ana...I have to go. I will see you tomorrow morning. We get to spend the whole day together! I'm really looking forward to it!"
"Me too."
"Bye."
"Bye...B."
We had come a really long way from our first conversation...this was definitely progress!
The first thirty days of rehab had been insanely difficult for me because I had been cut off from the world as a whole. I wasn't allowed to even go outside except for a group walk around the property, once a day.
I was never alone and it drove me insane.
I was tempted to sign myself out a few times but the blinking black anklet reminded me each day what my alternative was.
I was put on a medication to help me with my cravings and spent most of my allotted sixteen hour days on my knees. Since I was a late comer, I got the chore of cleaning the floors by hand with a scrub brush every evening. I had a uniform and wasn't allowed to put my hair up in a ponytail. I cried myself to sleep every night for that entire month.
I was absolutely miserable and what was worse was that my breasts were like rocks. They wouldn't let me call my mother to ask advice so I ended up having to tell my male counselor about the extra reserve of milk that I had. He then called the judge, who made an agreement with my mother. They tested my breast milk...which I didn't know was possible, and when they discovered that it was completely clean of drugs they allowed me to pump it so that I could send it to the baby.
So even though I didn't see anyone personally, someone was coming each day to pick it up. It was the only thing that kept me connected to my baby. So once my boobs were normal again...my daily chore became a little easier to bare and once that was taken care of my tears dried up and I became a little more open in group shares.
The thing that I was most proud of was that I was actually working on my journal. I hadn't kept track of my life or the things that focused on me, since I was pregnant with Isaac. Now though, I wrote daily and had even named my book like we were supposed to do.
I named him...Henry.
I had been marking off the days of my stay on a calendar above my bed and on the last day, June 27th, I had a picture of Britt and the kids. I looked at it every day and it got me through.
That was of course until I actually talked to Britt.
It was clear that while I was changing so was the world around me.
Day 30
March 29, 2013
Good Morning Henry,
It's just past midnight on my thirtieth day.
Everyone else is asleep and I am supposed to be too...but how can I sleep? Today is the day that I can finally talk to Britt. I need to know how things are going back home. I need to feel like I still have my network. What if Britt's found someone new? What if everyone has given up on me? How am I supposed to know?
I have done everything asked of me.
I have begun to participate and now I can think of cocaine and not wish that I could have some.
That's progress because even when I stopped last summer, I still craved the high, the taste on my gums, the burn in my nose. Now though...I don't want it as much. The cravings are still there but they are way more manageable.
I have become more centered on my faith and plus...I have you! In my mind I imagine that you look a lot like Isaac when he's a man. It helps me to stay honest with you because I never want to lie to my children about who I am.
After morning prayer and breakfast, I have a scheduled hour to call Britt. She set up the time with Dr. Clover, so I know that she will be available. I hope that I can talk to her everyday from now on!
Okay...I'm being glared at by CiCi because I have the light on...so I'm going to attempt sleep.
I'll let you know how the call goes!
P.S...It's also my one year wedding anniversary...:)
Santana
It was apparent after my first phone call with Britt that she had moved on...she just didn't see it yet.
"Ana!" she said as she picked up on the first ring on that first day.
"Hey, B." I felt shy at first...go figure!
"It's so great to hear your voice!"
"It's great to he-" I was cut off.
"Dionne! No...come on...come see me later...the wife is on the phone...yes..." I heard her cover the receiver but it didn't cover that laugh she does when she's flirting. I swallowed my immediate pang of jealousy and waited. Then her cheery voice popped back on the line. "Sorry about that."
That was all the explanation that she offered. I sighed and sat back against the big red couch in my counselor's office. He sat across the room, observing me while filling out paperwork.
"It's fine B. Are you at work?"
"Yea...I had planned to be home but then Tony had a family emergency, so I came in an hour early. I thought I locked my door but apparently I didn't."
"It's fine. So tell me how you're doing?"
"Great! The show is..." she went on and on about the show for a whole ten minutes before taking a breath. The clock was ticking and I only got one phone call a week until day 60. Needless to say, I was getting insanely annoyed. "Anyway...enough about me...how is your recovery going?"
That's a loaded question to ask anyone recovering from an addiction.
We all have good days and bad days.
Even people who have been clean for decades had those not so good days.
"I'm feeling much better...today is a good day."
"Yea? That's amazing." she seemed preoccupied.
"Are you okay, Britt Britt?"
"Um...yea...sorry...I have a crap load of emails...I was just checking them...annnd...I'm done. Okay. I'm so sorry!"
"It's fine."
"No it's not. I'm probably annoying the shit out of you...Ugh...I've just been buried in work for the show. Plus with being at the hospital for that week...it just threw me totally off."
My heart dropped and was rolling around in the pit of my stomach. This whole conversation was bringing feelings of angst back to the fore and I was really not liking it. This was not what I had expected.
"Hospital? Is everything alright?"
"Oh...right. I'm so scattered. Yea...I donated bone marrow to Ari...I'm a match."
My heart was back in its rightful place as it swelled beyond it's capacity.
"You did?" Tears were rushing to my eyes and from the look on his face, I could tell that Dr. Clover was going to push me to talk about this call in group this afternoon.
Ugh.
"I did. She's doing better. She's back in remission and is back to being our leading lady. She's doing a fantastic job!"
"That's amazing, B." I said excitedly.
My friend was going to live because my wife saved her life!
"Yea it is. Soooo guess what?"
"Something else exciting I hope."
"Izzy is walking." My jaw dropped.
"He's not even one yet!" I said in shock.
"I know...but he will be one next week...he's been walking for three weeks now. It's so amazing to see. He gets better everyday!"
I sucked in a deep breath, trying my damnedest to hold back the tears that were now pooling in my eyes. I had missed my son's first steps. I had known it would happen but knowing that it did and I wasn't there because of my stupid fucking addiction...it made me feel so powerless.
"Yea...did I miss anything else?" I squeaked out.
"Dani is sitting up on her own now. She can sit in the high chair and she babbles a lot. She says Ma now. It's so cute...I can't wait for you to see her and Izzy...he talks now...like full sentences and it sounds so clear. Little Johnny was over for the weekend with Sandra and they were just gabbing back and forth. It was insane...I recorded it for you."
"You did?"
"Yes! I tried to record what I could. I know how hard it is for you to miss stuff and-" she was cut off again and I could hear the muffle of her hand over the phone again. "What did I fucking tell you D? Yes, I'm still on the phone! It's been a month...look...yea I know that! I know but...fuck fine...come in...sit down and shut the fuck up...okay?" I heard more mumbling and then a door shut.
When Britt finally got back on the line we had reached the forty-five minute mark and I felt like I didn't really get to hear anything about what was going on at home. It was scraps.
"Britt...if you need to go...it's okay." I said when I heard her pick up the phone again.
"No...Dionne can wait."
"It's fine...we only have ten minutes left anyway. Go handle stuff...we can talk more next week. Okay?"
"Okay...fine. I love you Ana."
"I love you too, B."
She hung up and I was left sitting there feeling so many emotions. For the first time...my mind went back to the numbness of the drugs. I threw the phone clear across the room and collapsed in tears on the couch. I buried my face in the pillows and screamed. I was so angry it felt like I was going to explode.
I hadn't even gotten to wish her a happy anniversary and from the sound of it she hadn't remembered either.
I sobbed until I passed out and thankfully, Dr. Clover left me there to sleep.
I knew that I would have to deal with my outburst but for now he was letting me deal with my emotions before we talked about them.
He must have seen this kind of thing before.
I'm not surprised.
After talking at length about that phone call, I wasn't allowed to talk to Britt for another two weeks.
I wasn't ready to talk to her and now I realized it.
The addiction was alive in me and there was no way that I could possibly be over it in thirty days. It had rooted itself in my psyche for so long that it was hard to overcome in such a short time.
I spent those two weeks in therapy and on my knees scrubbing the floors even harder.
On the last day of my two weeks as I was scrubbing the hallway floor until I could see my reflection, I realized how exhaustively empty my head was. I sat there on my knees after I was finished and just zoned out. This was that mind numbing euphoria I only found just after an intense orgasm or a really good high.
Except...I had neither of those things and here I was.
Empty.
It was then that I saw the purpose of the heavy labor.
I had always seen Sandra cleaning her house from top to bottom every Saturday and I thought she was insane...she could afford a maid but she insisted that she do it all on her own. I understood her so much more now.
The military had taught her how to clear her mind through hard work.
Now rehab was helping me to understand the same principle.
I felt prepared to talk to Britt the next day. I had a feeling that this time, I would be more prepared to deal with the changes that had been going on.
Isaac's first birthday had taken place during the two weeks that I was banned from calls.
So I knew that I needed to be prepared to hear about all that I had missed.
What I hadn't expected was that it wouldn't be my wife but my oldest sister instead.
Apparently Britt had an important meeting to get to so she asked Sandra to call me.
As bad as it may sound, the moment that I heard my sister's voice I felt relieved that I got to talk to her instead of my wife.
We had a real conversation about everything. It was what I had needed two weeks prior. She told me what I needed to hear and only told me certain things if I asked. She didn't mention any family drama, which was great!
We had been about to end the phone call when I heard her sigh heavily.
"Talk to me sis. I know that you have been dancing around telling me something."
"Look, I don't want to make your recovery time worse but I feel like you knowing what's going on while you have people to help you...is a good idea."
"Is it about Britt?" I sighed and covered my face.
"Yea. For the most part."
Dr. Clover saw my distress and signaled me over.
"Hold on, sis." I got up and headed across the room and handed him the phone. He pressed the speaker button and then gestured for me to sit in front of his desk.
I should have expected this. He had already warned me that if I was in distress that he was going to take the phone and listen in.
"Sandra? It's Dr. Clover. I'm listening in. Is that alright?" he was just asking her to be nice but neither of us really had a choice.
"Oh that's good. Can I talk now?" she said, sounding exhausted.
"Go on."
"Britt had put the kids in daycare because of the show so I have them. At first I was going to allow the daycare but I know how you feel about it. Anyway, I stopped by the house and it was a pigsty and there were a bunch of people staying there...so I took the kids. She doesn't see them much. Twice a week. Britt can do whatever she wants you know but Izzy is getting older and he is always looking for you and Brittany."
"Is she off her meds?"
"I'm not sure but you should just know that Gladys and I are planning to talk to her about it. I just thought that you should know about it. I'm sorry to tell you...it's just...ugh...I'm sorry."
"She is um..." I took a deep breath and looked at Dr. Clover. He nodded in agreement that this would be a good opportunity to lay my fears to rest. "She isn't seeing anyone else is she?"
"Oh...are you referring to Dionne?" My heart sped up. Sandra knew her name.
"Yea...I think that's her name."
"No need to worry about her. Britt is still faithful to you...Ari has been keeping an eye out on things at the theater. Apparently Dionne has a bit of a crush on Brittany. That's it."
"Oh...and that's it?"
"Yes...I visited and could see how annoyed Britt was with the way Dionne was clinging to her. I thought it was just for show but Ari tells me that Britt is always annoyed with her and snapping at her."
"Oh ok."
"Look Ana, I'm trying my best to make sure that you have something to come home to. You just need to worry about getting better because your kids need you...more than us...more than Brittany. Okay?"
"Thank you Sandra." I whispered as I brushed my hands through my hair. I was feeling a little more relieved and knew that as long as I had people on the outside taking care of things, that I would be able to handle anything.
Day 90
May 28, 2013
Hi Henry.
Things with me and Britt are still up in the air. In the sixty days since our first phone call...I've spoken to her a total of three times. Each time she seems more distant...I am still holding out hope for us. My calendar tells me that I have more days behind me than in front of me. I have more freedom around the center and now today...I get to have visitors for the very first time since I got here.
I was hoping that it would be Britt and both of the kids but I'm glad that she is leaving Daniela at home if she is sick. I wouldn't want her to get worse.
Headed to 4am mass, Britt should be here by seven, I can't wait!
See you tonight!
Santana
I sat in Dr. Clover's office waiting patiently for my wife to show up but she never did.
So I begged my therapist to let me call her but even then...I got no answer.
"Can I go back to bed?" I asked after handing him the phone back.
"I want you to talk this out."
"There's nothing to talk about...I'm not going to go throwing things or crying about it. I'm sure something just came up. It's fine. I'm fine."
"You're building your walls back up."
"So what if I am. It's not like I'm hiding drugs behind them."
"Sit down Santana." I stood there looking at his cold stare and hesitated before actually sitting down.
"Fine."
I dropped down into the seat and stared down at my hands. I was badly in need of a manicure and was planning on having a spa day with Quinn when I got back home. We had already set it up, one of my non phone calls from Brittany was Quinn.
Go figure.
"Talk to me about how you feel."
"I'm disappointed. I'm sure she has a reason, I'm not sure if I am willing to accept the reason but I can accept that she does have a life outside of me. She's nineteen...what nineteen year old likes to be bogged down by their junkie wife and her two kids when they just got the job of a lifetime?"
"Brittany apparently does."
"She did."
"I do." I sat there frozen when I heard my wife's voice. "Did you really think that I wouldn't come?" she sounded hurt.
"Yea...I did."
No point in lying.
"I'm sorry if I made you feel that way...Izzy woke up with a fever and wheezing. I tried to get him ready but Sandra insisted that I should let him rest. So I came alone."
I looked over at her and remained speechless.
She had cut her hair...it was just above her shoulders now and tasseled.
She looked stunning.
"You look beautiful B." I said slowly.
I had totally forgotten about Dr. Clover. He cleared his throat and then excused himself.
Pretty soon it was just me and Brittany alone together behind a closed door.
I stood up and grabbed her hand.
The electric that zinged up my arm reminded me of what it was about my wife that made me lovesick.
I pulled her to sit beside me on the couch and after that we just stared into each others eyes as we held hands.
"You look amazing, Ana. I don't think I have ever seen you look so healthy."
"Fat." I joked.
"Don't do that...no deflecting. You look beautiful." Britt scolded.
"Okay, okay."
"Can I tell you something?" She suddenly looked nervous.
"Yes. Anything, B."
"I'm kinda glad that I had to leave the kids at home...I'm happy to get you all to myself for the day. It's beautiful outside and your doctor said that I can take you out by the water. I know how much you like the water." she said as she linked her pinky with mine.
We hadn't done that in forever.
I couldn't remember the last pinky lock we shared.
"I do...I haven't been allowed out there. Just around the building."
"Wow."
"It's been hard, but I'm really making progress and I think I am really able to see beyond my addiction and my issues. Hopefully, I still have you to come back to."
I don't know where that thought came from but it came spilling out. Britt looked at me in shock and went pale.
"Who told you?" she said as she pulled her hands back into her own lap.
"Told me what?" I reached for her hands but she shook her head and looked away.
"I was using this time...to take a break from us...our marriage."
"And you slept with someone?" I felt my heart shatter as I looked at the side of her face. She was still looking away. She shrugged her shoulders but then looked back at me.
"There is no sex between us...he's just...a companion."
"He?" I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes. "Okay...it's fine...okay." I said as I nodded and gulped back my emotions.
I would not cry.
"I'm still yours, Ana...I'm still your wife."
"I thought you promised no more breaks, B." I asked when I could finally swallow the tears that were threatening to come.
"It's not a break...it's more of...an open relationship. I'm still yours. He...he's just there for me...while you can't be. He knows that the moment you get out of here that he has to step back."
"Who else knows?"
"Dionne. It's...he's her brother."
"You've kissed him though?"
"And other stuff." she said as she looked down at her hands.
"Other stuff?" My voice squeaked.
"Look...I could have just not...said anything. Ugh." she turned three shades of pink and then let out an exhausted breath.
"I wish you hadn't. I wish you had lied." I said as wrapped my arms around myself.
"Do you want me to end it?" I looked at her in disbelief...was she really asking me that?
"You do what you need to do, Brittany. I'm glad I know where I stand in all of this."
"He knows that it's temporary."
I laughed in disbelief. She was really trying to make this about her?
I felt like the world had turned on it's axis and things were backwards.
"I won't go through this again, B. Too many people have seen the inside of our marriage...you told me that. Ian. Frankie. Quinn. Marco. Rachel. I was hoping that we could for once just be us."
"In order to do that...we would have to go back to the start."
"Can we?"
"Not now...not while you are here and I'm out there."
"With him."
"Well...yea."
"I can't accept that. I won't go through that. Let's just call this what it is."
"Are you...breaking up with me? Like for real? For good?" She looked at me wide eyed and in shock.
"Yes. When I leave here...my court stuff is behind me. I'm taking the kids and I'm moving back to Lima for the summer." I said with an air of finality...as if it had been my plan all along.
"You can't do that." she said looking hurt and defeated.
"I can and I will. I'm not saying that we are over for good...because lets face it...you and I are tied to each other but I am saying that we need this. You need to go off and live your life. You need to be free to experience things. I won't keep the kids from you...but I just need to focus on me and my kids for once. So if you want to go ahead and be with him. I give you my blessing."
"I don't want your blessing...I want you." Britt said with a little force behind her voice.
"When was the last time that you took your meds, Britt Britt?" I asked as I looked in her eyes. I could see the fire there, the anger that filled her.
"Apparently, that's not your business anymore." she sniffed and rubbed at her eyes.
"As long as you are around the kids...I need to know."
"Fine...I stopped taking them in March. When I started seeing Grady."
"That's his name...Grady?"
"Yea."
"White boy?"
"Black boy from the Bahamas. He goes to Julliard. He dances...he's our leading man."
"Great."
"I have been very quiet about it. I really didn't want anyone to know."
"Because you didn't want it to get back to me?"
"No but because I wanted to be respectful of our marriage."
"Yea?"
I didn't even want to continue this conversation but Britt insisted on staying the rest of the day.
So even though, I had just lost my wife, she tried her hardest to still fill the role as my best friend.
Frankly, I wasn't sure I wanted that...wanted her.
A/N: Hi again. I promise that they do have a happy ending...but as always...I want to keep them real. Read and Review!
Thanks! Love you guys.
