"Serena?"
At the sound of her name the surgeon looked up from her desk where she'd had her head in her hands. She ran her fingers quickly through her short dark hair trying to tame it from where she'd been running her hands through it.
She bit her lower lip and inhaled, trying to slow her racing heart and her racing thoughts. Her cheeks were flushed and she could feel how the back of her black vest was damp against her spine.
The source of these bodily reactions was standing in the doorway with her curly blonde hair just beginning to escape from its tie. A scrub cap was being wrung anxiously between two long-fingered hands as the woman who'd just entered the room shifted her weight from foot to foot.
"Serena?" she said again looking across to the brunette seated in the corner, at the desk in neat order, in sharp contrast to the chaos covering her own. "I, um..."
Serena couldn't make any words form in her head let alone actually articulate them. She raised her eyebrow and shrugged her shoulders gently, waving her hands in a gesture of apology. Not much rendered the talented surgeon speechless but this truly had stolen her words. The single thought that played round and round as if on a loop was the feel of her best friend's lips on hers as they'd kissed on the floor outside theatre.
"Serena, I'm sorry, I, um well, just, Serena it's, oh God"
The blonde dropped into a chair, wincing slightly at the protest from her back at the lack of proper care in sitting. She looked across at Serena who was to all intents and purposes a statue right now, closed her eyes and thunked her forehead down on the desk, not even reacting as a small avalanche of files rearranged themselves around her. She could hear the sound of her heartbeat in her ears, feel the adrenaline coursing through her bloodstream. How had she screwed up so badly? She knocked her head down again, trying to block out the noise of the fear and the shame that were taunting her with their mocking voices inside her brain.
"Bernie"
She heard the whisper and stilled her movements, clutching a handful of her dark blue scrub trousers in each hands as she waited, for an eternity, for another word. She kept her head on the desk, not trusting herself to look up , not wanting to see anger, revulsion or disgust looking back at her.
It had taken a superhuman effort for Serena to speak a word, but she had to stop Bernie, her co-lead and best friend from hurting herself. She might be almightily confused right now but she didn't want that. Trouble is, she had no follow up words. She looked across at Bernie who still had her head on the desk and tears sprang up unbidden in her eyes. Desperate to offer some measure of comfort she pushed her chair back from the desk and stood, holding her own desk for dear life as ballast. Her legs were like over cooked spaghetti, limp and formless.
At the sound Bernie sat up but kept her eyes firmly fixed downwards. She knew she'd ruined it but didn't want to look for that final confirmation in Serena's eyes. She thought that might break her. She been shot, blown up, beaten, divorced, but the biggest fear of her life was that the wonderful, feisty brunette, that she would sell her soul for, might never again look at her or speak to her.
"It's okay Bernie"
Serena had no idea how she'd managed to get that out but the relief in being able to actually speak was palpable. Still the blonde refused to look up, which made a prickle of fear run up and down Serena's spine. What if Bernie ran? What if she got this wrong and she lost the person who had become the most dear to her? She had to get some words out.
"Bernie, please, please look at me"
Bernie lifted her head but fixed her gaze on the cleft in Serena's chin. Unbidden the thought of kissing her there sprang into her mind and she raised her hands to her burning cheeks in horror, hoping Serena couldn't read her mind on this occasion, like she seemed to have developed a particular knack for. Finishing Bernie's sentences, saying aloud what she was thinking, in anyone else it would have unnerved her, but with Serena it just felt natural, like they were two halves of the same whole.
"Bernie, please.."
...came the voice again and Bernie willed herself to do better and raised her eyes slowly over the curve of pale cheekbones tinged pink to the soft brown eyes she could lose herself in. Immediately she began to search them, what emotions were there, clues to thoughts. She could see the tears that had formed and without warning one trickled down her own cheek, not that she noticed.
The words came in a rush,
"Serena, I'm so sorry, it was the emotion of the moment and I just got swept up in it and you were so kind to me and I didn't think just reacted and"
At that she had to stop and drag in a desperate breath. About to start again with any apology she could think of when all of a sudden Serena was right in front of her and pressing her right index finger to Bernie's lips silencing her.
"Bernie, stop. I'm not mad. Just a little, well, thrown I guess"
Serena lightly ran her fingertip over Bernie's lower lip causing the other woman to shiver involuntarily. She looked into the dark eyes so filled with fear and her heart melted. This amazing woman, who she'd befriended and quickly found an ease and a comfort, with needed some better reassurance. Without pausing to think, Serena removed her hand from Bernie's face and brought her fingertips to her own mouth. Watching Bernie watching her she kissed her fingertips and placed them back over Bernie's lips. With her left hand she grabbed Bernie's right and linked their fingers.
"Bernie, we need to talk about this. But right now I need to go to Jason. Please, please don't be afraid"
Not trusting herself to speak Bernie nodded and ran her thumb over Serena's knuckles as they held hands. She lifted her left hand to cup Serena's cheek, barely knowing where she found the courage to do so. She tried to memorise every detail of the brunettes face, as if she might forget a detail.
With a final squeeze Serena broke the contact and moved back slightly. Smiling nervously she turned to grab her coat and bag while Bernie wordlessly watched her having moved back to her own desk. She fussed at getting the buttons done up, her fingers didn't seem to be attached to the rest of her. Taking a final glance at her desk she moved through the office and took hold of the door handle.
"Night Bernie"
"Night"
Quickly she walked through the door and took a breath. Turning round she saw Bernie slump in her chair and instinctively went back into the office. Bernie looked up as she sensed someone come in and gave a squeak of surprise as Serena dropped a soft kiss to her cheek and another to her forehead before turning round and going without another word or glance back.
Looking at the clock Bernie realised she should have left nearly two hours ago. Gathering her things she made for the exit, waving her goodbye to Raf and Morven without really seeing them, heading home.
