Ok...I would just like to say this is the worst thing I have ever written in my life but I've had this challenge since like 2007 so I kinda needed to do it. Dedicated to X X Ringo X X who so kindly gave it me and helped me write it (although I'm not sure she'd want to take any credit for this).

Disclaimer: don't own although god I wish I owned John Barrowman.

Oddness challenge: When In Texas

Word limit 3000, need to include: random shoes, banana, Texas, latex, cocoa, sonic screwdriver, melted chocolate, schizophrenic alien, "I should bloody damn and bloody blast and bugger and bloody flaming bloody think so and all", "Everything's big in Texas", "Go fuck a duck"

It was a nice, normal day on the blue planet Shmurfland. The Doctor and Rose were discussing in great detail the Doctor's extensive collection of random shoes.

"Why do you need so many? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were a woman with your obsession with shoes."

"Hey! A man needs his shoes!"

Rose was about to argue, when the doors burst open to reveal a shirtless and out of breath Captain Jack Harkness.

"GOGOGOGOGOGOGO! Schizophrenic alien approaching fast!"

This earned him two very odd looks, that is, until said alien ran in.

"Hello, how are you... Die die! ...Nice weather we're having... I will kill you! I should bloody damn and bloody blast and bugger and bloody flaming bloody think so and all...give us a kiss."

"Wow," commented the Doctor off-handedly. "He really is schizophrenic."

"Hey, he is a she!"

"Really?" the Doctor looked surprised. "You normally attract...well never mind."

Meanwhile, the schizo alien had pulled out an advanced and dangerous looking gun, and was pointing it at Jack's back.

"Now you die!" The alien fired... and missed.

"Hiya!" Rose, drawing on her earlier days as a gymnast, kicked the alien straight out of the doors. Jack dived for the console panel and began randomly pressing buttons.

"Run away!"

"My TARDIS!" The Doctor was hyperventilating at Jack's manhandling of his baby.

With a dramatic jolt, the TARDIS set off.

"Where are we going?! Jack! What did you do to my TARDIS??!!"

Before Jack could answer, the TARDIS landed with a clumsy bounce and the doors flew open to reveal... Texas.

Now they were safe, Rose and the Doctor took it upon themselves to get the whole story of the schizo alien from Jack.

"Well...I was in a bar...and, well, I was kinda flirting...only a bit though, and, um, she invited me back to her place. So, when we got there, I noticed that she kinda had a thing for latex, and I've had too many bad experiences with that stuff...I prefer melted chocolate myself, and..." Jack broke off to find the others giving him extremely strange looks. "Anyway...so when she started going on about the latex, I realised it was time to leave. Unfortunately, her darker side then made its appearance."

"I don't really think we need to know about her darker side, Jack," Rose commented dryly.

"So I ran away, and you know the rest. What were you doing before I got here, anyway?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively and Rose put down her cup of cocoa in indignance.

"I was just working on my sonic screwdriver," the Doctor said innocently.

Jack gave him a look and then nonchalantly pulled a banana out of his pocket.

Rose raised an eyebrow. "So that was a banana then. I thought you were just pleased to see us..."

"Oh don't you wish," grinned Jack, glancing down at his bare chest.

Rose raised an eyebrow. "Go fuck a duck Harkness."

"Nah, I tried that once...no fun at all," Jack smirked.

"That's a very large banana Jack" the Doctor noted.

"Well...everything's big in Texas," said Jack.

The Doctor went red.

Sooooo, R&R?

Lyl, l-m-h xxxxxxxxxx