Remembering Forward
Chapter 1
Disclaimer: I don't own anything or anyone in regards to CSI; the show and its characters belong to a bunch of people who aren't me. I am merely borrowing the characters for my own amusement. Dance puppets, dance.
Author's Note: This is my first CSI fic and is the fluff I am not ashamed to admit I love. Constructive criticisms definitely welcome. My most special thanks to EllipsesBandit for all of her comments and help. And thanks to CSINut214 for taking the time to read this. There are other chapters, so let me know if you want to read more. Enjoy!
She wasn't normally like this. To see her in this current state was such a rare occurrence. She always wore comfortable jeans or khaki pants. Even for court she donned an appropriate pantsuit.
But Sara Sidle was wearing a skirt. Yes, a skirt.
Normally, she avoided the article of clothing. Skirts were uncomfortable and panty hose were such a hassle because, no matter what, they always tore. But for this occasion, Sara decided to forgo her usual attire and dress up. Just for tonight.
Sara was getting ready to go out to dinner with her fellow nightshift criminalists. The team had insisted on the small celebration as a result of her engagement to Gil Grissom.
After putting on her shoes she walked into the living room to wait for her fiancé. She straightened some of the books and forensics journals on the coffee table, then looked at the living room of the townhouse, amazed at how much had changed. Several full bookshelves stood next to Grissom's growing library. A shade called "relaxing blue" coated the walls nicely complementing the cases of mounted insects. And a special orchid plant resided on an end table near the window.
So this mixture of these two lives had worked. It seemed almost unbelievable that Sara's life had gone from loneliness to complete contentness all by the action of a simple dinner.
Sara smiled to herself, thinking of that fateful evening. So many good things happened after that night. Things she had previously given up on, but now were very real.
Her life was moving forward, and she couldn't wait to begin this new chapter with-
"Honey have you seen my pergamine paper!"
7 months prior
For once, the graveyard shift had encountered a slow evening and Sara had spent the time catching up on paperwork. It was agreed that the biggest drawback to the job was all the forms that had to be filled out to catalogue and identify evidence.
After finishing her last file, she made her way to Grissom's office. Her eyes hurt a bit from staring at the same meaningless forms all night. She looked forward to having some breakfast and maybe a nice bubble bath.
She felt a slight twitching in her stomach as she approached the specimen-filled office. Her encounters with Grissom had been strained lately, and she didn't feel up to dealing with his typical cryptic comments.
The door to his office was open, and it appeared that Grissom also spent his time with paper work. She knocked lightly on the door to catch his attention, and when he looked up, she came into the room.
Grissom looked particularly endearing sitting at his desk amid text books, jars of insects, fetal pigs, and other assorted experiments. Why he looked endearing surrounded by such oddities, she had never quite figured out, but Sara found his scientist side incredibly attractive.
She placed her folders on the stack atop of his desk. He leaned back, letting out a frustrated breath of air.
"I finished my cases, and these all need your signature"
"Thank you," he replied.
"Looks like you're making progress." She noticed some of the piles had decreased.
"Yeah," he said with a slight rise of his eyebrows.
Sara kept looking at Grissom as he took off his glasses. He always kept his emotions locked up behind those blue eyes. The silence was broken when he spoke again. "Are you going home now?"
"Yeah. Spending the night filling out papers is more tiring than being at a scene." She noticed Grissom was staring at the glasses in his hands. He looked as if he wanted to say something.
She waited a few seconds, and just as she was about to tell him good-bye, she heard Grissom blurt out words she never thought he would say to her.
"What are you doing tonight?"
And here was that cryptic nonsense again. He always did this to her. He would go through periods where he treated her like his student or act as if she didn't exist. Then there were the few times where he seemed genuinely worried ...or concerned, as he put it.
"I don't have any plans."
"Would you like to go to dinner?"
Sara was fed up. This tug-of-war on her emotions was getting far too difficult to deal with. She spent many sleepless afternoons wondering what was happening. Sara wanted him in her life on a personal level, and if that couldn't happen than she would keep her relationship with him strictly professional. Either way, the constant state of limbo was getting old.
Grissom hadn't been personal with her as of late, so she had been taking the opportunity to try to move on. She wanted to forget everything that she felt for him, but there were times like now, where she saw him and everything would come rushing back to her.
Part of her wanted to throttle him for asking her to dinner. The other part of her was hoping this invitation would be something more.
She stared at him for what seemed like an eternity as scores of emotions played across his face: truth, hope, and… fear, maybe.
Finally she agreed. "All right, where do you want to want to go."
A look of relief briefly passed over his eyes, "I was thinking the diner, at about 7?"
"I'll see you tonight then."
Grissom told her goodnight and she turned around and walked out of the office. She had no idea what his intentions were for this evening, but she was going to use the dinner as an opportunity to make some things clear. She wanted them to come to some understanding about their relationship.
She just hoped she had strength to deal with the outcome.
----------------------
At 6:57pm, Sara drove to the parking lot of the diner; the team often came here for impromptu breakfasts. Usually she came here with Nick, Warrick, and Greg.
Now she was going to be here with Grissom. Alone with Grissom.
She took a deep breath to calm her nerves and got out of the Denali. She'd ended up skipping breakfast and the bubble bath, and had spent the afternoon thinking of what might happen. She rehearsed the many things she wanted to say, and she hoped to move forward with their relationship in whatever direction it was supposed to head.
Walking through the front door, she saw Grissom sitting at one of the booths facing the front entrance. He had a cup of coffee sitting on the table by his right hand. She came over and sat across from him.
The waitress immediately came over and asked Sara if she wanted anything. She just ordered a cup of coffee.
"Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?" Grissom asked as the waitress left.
"No, I'm not really hungry." Sara's stomach was tied into knots as she thought about what was going to happen. There was no way she could eat anything right now.
Grissom surprised her a second time that day when he said, "So how have you been?"
He was being personal again. "I've been all right," she said, which was the truth. She was very much enjoying her new role as Greg's mentor, and she had gotten rid of all the liquor in her apartment. But why was he asking her this?
Several moments of silence passed between the two CSIs as they sipped their coffee. The quiet was driving Sara insane; if he wasn't going to initiate the conversation, than she was. Besides, it was going to be easier to get this over with sooner.
"Grissom, if this is about…what's happened with us…I'm sorry. It's my fault"
"Not all of this is your fault", he replied gently. "Sara…there's something I need to explain to you."
The knots tightened painfully. She knew it was time to leave before she lost control.
"There's nothing you need to explain. I understand. I-I'm sorry...I should probably go." She hoped to get to the car and out of the parking lot before the tears started.
She was interrupted as she tried to leave the booth. "I don't think you understand why I asked you here."
The gentleness of his voice tore at her heart. She decided to stay to gain the painful closure she knew she needed.
He balled his hand into a fist as if to gather strength for his next words. He sucked in a breath and said "I know."
Now Sara was confused. He knows? What is he talking about? "You know…what?" She hoped the frustration she was feeling didn't come out with her voice.
"I know I can do this," he used his hand to gesture between the two of them.
Sara could have sworn there was something wrong with her hearing. Did he actually say that? This was the last thing she thought he would answer. She had prepared herself for heartache tonight as he would inevitably reach the conclusion as to why it would be wrong to pursue a relationship. Sure she hoped he would say something like this, but in the back of her mind she knew it was never going to happen.
She understood he was telling the truth though. One look into his blue eyes, and Sara saw absolute sincerity. Grissom actually wanted to do this. She started to tremble.
"Grissom…what do you--"
"Sara listen", he interrupted with his own hint of frustration. "I…didn't know what to do before. I didn't know if I could handle this, but now…"
This had to be really hard for him; Grissom never opened up like this, especially to her. But she wasn't going to going to say anything. Not when things might be turning around. "There were many reasons why I couldn't…before."
Sara had a good idea of what those reasons were: the age difference, his supervisor position, their past history. None of that mattered to her; sure things would tough, but she had confidence that they could get past them. She nodded her head, and he continued.
"This job and what we see every day has made me think of what I'm missing, what I could miss. And then those reasons seemed… meaningless."
How did he do it? How was it that Gil Grissom could make her so upset, she swore her insides were being dissected and then reduce her to tears of happiness? She wasn't openly crying, but she felt the tears building up behind her eyes. She tried hard to keep her emotions at bay.
"Then one afternoon I thought about this and I knew I could do it. I didn't know how. I still don't know how, but I knew I could do it."
Sara wanted to deck him; punch him and then lean over the table to kiss those lovely lips until they both passed out from oxygen deprivation.
Her heart felt as if a giant weight of doubt had been lifted, leaving her relieved of its burden. An unfamiliar surge of warmth ran through her veins, and she almost broke down from the force of it.
She didn't need any declarations of feelings or need to know what exactly he thought. Besides, he didn't look up to revealing much else at the moment. She heard him take several deep breaths, looking like he was trying to get in control of his feelings again. He looked a little pale from what he told her, but she recognized the relief in his eyes.
All she needed was that he was willing to see what would happen between them.
As the tears glittered in her eyes, Sara smiled at him. One of her full-on grins that hadn't been seen in a long time.
In return, Grissom gave her one of his crooked smiles that him look adorable. Prompted by his response she asked in a very quiet voice, "Would like to go to dinner tomorrow?"
Grissom's smile grew a bit wider and reached across the table and took her hand. Sara's heart fluttered when his soft, warm fingers entwined with her own. "I'd like that" he answered in a voice so quiet it seemed she was the only one who heard him.
Then again, she was the only person who needed to.
That night had been a wonderful precursor to the months that came after. More dinners, baseball games, museum trips, mornings cuddling on the couch, days spent in bed…
And now a wedding. Yes, marriage to Gil Grissom.
"We're about to leave for dinner," Sara called, "Why are you looking for pergamine paper?"
