Summary - Mulder's thoughts during 'TrustNo1."

Spoilers - Up to and throughout "TrustNo1."

Disclaimer - They're still not mine. Even if I'm more emotionally involved in their lives.


The man in the seat beside me shifts in his seat, his sleep addled body feeling like a dead weight against the vinyl booth. I eye him warily, ever conscious of possible threat, before closing my own eyes for a moments pause. I've been on this train for hours. My watch ticks slowly toward midnight. My brain, and common sense tells me the train is speeding along, but I swear I could run faster. I count the stains on the ceiling of the train car cabin for the hundredth time, somehow hoping the number will change. Or at least I'll miscount, thus ensuring the need to recount. I shake my head briefly at the stupidity of this thought. Unfortunately, the past months have filled my conscious with such meaningless wanderings, merely as a way to squelch the underlying ache of boredom, fear and loss. I need to get back to her. To him. To them. Closing my eyes I can almost feel her press her forehead against mine, bury her face in my chest. I can smell his head, I can almost touch it, almost hold him. I glance out the window and see the outskirts of the city. I know I'm almost there. I can see the sign announcing the station. But the train isn't stopping. It's not even slowing. I press my face against the window, craning my head sideways, in a vain attempt to see why. Through the haze of thoughts that are running through my mind, I hear the conductor make an announcement, the tinny voice telling me that due to an emergency at the station we wont be stopping. My heart literally expands in my chest and stops. I have to concentrate on regaining my breath; the pain in my chest is so severe. Scully. It has to be Scully. The train is speeding up. I look, eyes darting, though the window in search of her, just a glance. I need to know she's okay. I've already accepted that I can't get off this train now. That even though I could hold the conductor at gunpoint and demand to be let off, I can't. Instead I look everywhere. I may not get to hold her, and I wont be able to see her again for a long time after this, we won't be able to contact each other, but I can see her now. Just for a second, I'll see her.

The train speeds past the platform, but it feels like slow motion, I see her, Standing not ten feet from the train as we go flying past, she doesn't see me, her eyes are darting from tainted window to tainted window searching for me, her lips are calling my name. As we pass I rest my head on the window.

'Scully'. I breathe, fogging up the window and obscuring my view of the disappearing platform. I stay like that for some time, eyes straining back to try and catch another glimpse of her, long after we've left the town outskirts until my mind suddenly clicks into gear and I know I have to get off this train if there's any chance of me ever getting back to her. To get back to my son. To get back to my life.