"Pain"
Summary: Having their own apartment comes with challenges and benefits; good nights and bad ones. Some things never change. Married!Klaine. They have a new apartment together.
Kurt can't sleep.
Exhausted and yet wide awake; numb and yet feeling too much. Careful not to wake Blaine, he climbs out of bed and pads across the carpet and into the living room. He sits down in front of the unlit fireplace, staring at it unseeingly. As comforting as the flickering flames would be right now, it's too warm to light a fire. The warmth radiating from their heating unit is plenty. So he sits quietly, warming his aching limbs in front of a nonexistent flame.
He doesn't even dare close his eyes because he knows exactly what will come of sleep; dreams. And dreaming isn't something he wants to do right now; and not tonight. It's too hard going back.
But the memories come anyway. They always do. Every year.
He sees his mother's smile and remembers the way they used to sip cocoa by the fire on biting winter evenings. He hears her voice as she looks at him and says, "I love you, my special boy." He tastes tears as he remembers the very last time she ever called him that.
He feels a hand on his shoulder and he gasps softly, looking up to see Blaine standing there, his eyes warm and concerned and oh, so full of love. Neither of them has to say anything. Blaine knows. He understands, and he sits down beside Kurt, wrapping his arms around him in the way that makes Kurt feel so solid, secure, and so grounded. He inhales deeply and turns his face into the crook of Blaine's neck, reclining his legs over the top of Blaine's lap and resting his palm against Blaine's heart. I love you, he says without ever uttering a word.
He knows that Blaine remembers what tomorrow is; knows that he understands what's keeping him up into the night and on till the near break of dawn. They both remember many nights like this through the years—the five years they've been married and the five years before that of being together. Sometimes—and especially on the fifth of December, the anniversary of his mother's death—the memories just can't be pushed away and he's forced to feel too much once again. He knows from experience that the pain doesn't get any easier or any less painful; it just becomes manageable after years of learning how to make it that way.
He also knows that the pain will never go away. His mother will always hold an admittedly large chunk of his heart. And he knows that he'll become even more practiced in pushing that pain down until it's barely there; not made any less intense, just temporarily out of mind so that it doesn't overcome him completely.
He knows this won't be the last night like this. There'll be more bad nights where he'll cry himself dry into Blaine's chest. And there will definitely be more nights of memories and comforting embraces. But, he thinks, it isn't so scary to think about the inevitable pain when he has someone to make sure he isn't alone. As long as he has Blaine, he can handle the memories, the heartache, and the bad nights. Because Blaine is his rock, his anchor, and he'll always be the one to bring enough pure and unadulterated joy into his life to outweigh any pain they'll inevitably face.
But mostly, he knows that Blaine will always be there, a constant presence in his life and a constant force of love and happiness. And that's good enough for him.
A/N: I needed to get warmed up again after spending so long not writing anything, so this is the result of that :)
Review please!
