Hello all, it's me! I'm back from all of my travels and have something new for you. And shock horror, it's finished. It's gone exactly how I wanted it to and it isn't an epic! I hope you guys were sitting down for that, haha. Yep, it's totally finished and just waiting to be posted. This story has been brewing for actually well over a year now. It was one of the first oneshots I wrote for 'The Pieces That Fit Together' but that story, surprise surprise, took a whole different route, and this kind of got pushed to the backburner. Now the chapter I'm talking about in question is actually like the last chapter, but whatever.
It's set around season 4 and around Personal Foul. I want to note here though that Lindsay didn't fall pregnant that night. Without giving too much away, in this DL don't reconcile as 'well' as we were made to believe on screen, if you could say that. Um, what else might you need to know before we start? Oh, massive massive thank you to Megan for her help, support, suggestions and the a-okay to post! A whole chapter (which neatly ties it all up if I do say so myself) wouldn't exist without her! So thank you Meggie! :)
So, without further adieu, I present... a still nameless story. Crap, need a title! Good job I'm still editing, isn't it? haha.
Whatever It Takes - Lifehouse
She said 'if we're going to make this work, you've got to let me inside even though it hurts. Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see.' She said 'like it or not, it's the way it's got to be; you've got to love yourself if you can ever love me.'
"Why are you pushing me away again?"
Running his fingertips through his messy hair in frustration, Danny tried to find composure before he blew up with frustration. "I'm not pushing you away, Lindsay. I'm dealin' with things in my own way. There's a difference. If I was pushing you away, I wouldn't be tellin' you what I'm tellin' you. I need to deal with things properly, and my own way is to do that on my own. You surely understand that. You've been there and I know that you deal with things the same way."
"And what happened the last time that you did that? What happened the last time that I did that? We fell to pieces, Danny; I can't do that again. And I thought that you wouldn't want to do that either. I understand that you're not over what happened to Ruben Danny, trust me, I understand. But we were getting past everything. What's with this massive U turn? Why are you pulling away from me?"
"Listen, I'm not goin' to do that again... I just, I really need for you to back off right now."
"No," she whispered as she shook her head slowly. "I can't and I won't."
"But why?" Danny cried. "Just give me the space I need." He understood why she wanted to help him. Why she wanted to be there for him... but he just couldn't understand why she was being so stubborn about it. What was a little space? A few days for him to get his shit together and he'd be okay again. Why couldn't she understand that?
"Do you remember our conversation when I found out about Ruben? You walked away from me down in the morgue, and I followed you. Do you remember what you said to me?"
Thinking long and hard, Danny couldn't recall exactly what he'd said, but even if he could remember, he figured she was intending on telling him anyway. To answer her, he shook his head slowly.
"You asked me to leave you alone. You told me to back off and to cool down in regards to our relationship. You told me that you wanted to be with me and you cared for me, but couldn't be with me, and that it wasn't me, it was you – you practically threw my own words back at me, and I know that I hurt you when I said that, but Danny, it was like a dagger in my chest."
"I don't understand where you're going with this." He barked, not particularly wanting to hear all that he'd done to her and her to him. It was something he tried very hard to block from his memory.
"I gave you that space Danny, I backed off and let you grieve in the way that you wanted to. I watched you self destruct and I felt as if I couldn't do a thing about it. I knew it wasn't my place because you had asked me to back off and I really wanted to respect that. You not only hurt yourself in that though, you hurt me too."
"I know that Linds, okay? I know..."
"So that's why I'm not backing off," she informed him. "Last time I respected what you wanted and gave you the space you needed. It wasn't my place back then to give you a kick in the ass. This time though? You're my boyfriend and I lost you once and I don't want to do that again. I need you, and I don't care what you say but you need me too.; if you're not over what happened then we can deal with it together Danny. I promise you that I'm gonna be there for you. I can help you through this."
"Babe, I don't need you to get into it with me right now."
"Danny, don't you hear yourself? You're telling me you can't be with me but then call me babe. What the hell am I supposed to think?"
"Lindsay no, I want to be with you... I just need space."
"You can't be with me if you need space Danny. You can't have it both ways."
"Lindsay! For fucks sake!"
"Don't curse at me!" she snapped. "Where do you get off treating me like this Danny? Can't you see that I'm trying to help you, I'm trying to be here for you. I'm trying really hard to be supportive and you're making it really hard."
"Maybe I don't want you to help."
"Don't do that," she shook her head. "Don't you dare do that again!"
"Do what again?"
"Make me out to be some type of clingy girlfriend like you did last time. I'm not a clingy girlfriend, I'm a girlfriend that cares and I want to make things better for you. Is that so bad?" She cried tearfully.
"Linds," he let out a sigh as he tried to turn their argument back from shaky grounds. "Listen, I don't think you're clingy okay, I told you that I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I thought you knew that."
"I thought I did." She sighed. "It's just... I just... I don't... God, why do you always have to push me away?"
"I... I don't know," he sighed as he hung his head, accepting the truth to what she was saying; he did push her away – and they both knew it.
She took a deep breath as she steeled herself, but tears began slipping down her cheek as she pulled her legs into her chest and secured them with her arms as she turned and faced him as she curled herself up on the couch. "I let you in so why can't you just let me all the way in? You have everything of me Danny, and you know you do. So why can't you give me all of you?"
He opened his mouth, but promptly closed it again. He'd never really thought about the ways in which he refused Lindsay the last little bit of entry into him. She had most of him, but there were just some places where he couldn't let even himself let go. He wanted to. God did he want to be able to say to her that he let her in wholly and completely, but he still held bits back. He held back his insecurity in their relationship. He'd cheated on her, and he hadn't even been man enough to admit it to her. So while she was desperately clawing at the wall he'd built around himself to get him to let her in, he was locking and dead bolting the door to keep her out. The burden of his secret felt like it was constantly in the pit of his stomach and wouldn't shift. He'd never felt such guilt. Every time he looked into her eyes, he could feel himself faltering under her innocent stare. She was intuitive and he always thought that there was a possibility that she knew what he'd done but then there was always that little bit of him that argued: how could she know? Why would she know? She trusted him and wouldn't expect that infidelity from him; even if they had cooled their relationship off when it happened. In his heart, he still cared for Lindsay and as much as he hated to admit it, it had been cheating. He knew that then, and he knew it now.
He just couldn't change it.
"Danny..." Her little voice infiltrated his thoughts. "Please Danny," her eyes were glassy with tears. "Please let me in."
"I want to." He whispered. "I just... I don't know how."
Him wanting to let her in hadn't been enough that night.
They'd spent hours going over the same things, the same arguments, and the same excuses until Lindsay broke down completely. She'd sat on the couch they'd once cuddled on together for hours on end and sobbed. She'd sobbed her heart out, and it killed him that there was nothing more he could do. No words were fixing the ruins he found around them. No words offered her the comfort and reassurance that she needed. No words fixed what he'd broken. When he edged closer to her, she'd shoved him away and told him not to touch her. That he wasn't that person for her anymore. She'd told him she couldn't do it anymore and that it was over.
He'd been devastated that he'd lost her again and spent the early hours of the morning begging her to change her mind. She hadn't. She'd walked out around six that morning. As devastated as he'd been about their second break up, he'd also taken it with a pinch of salt. He'd come to realise over time that it had been the entirely wrong attitude to take; but he thought that he knew her, and he thought that she loved him. He envisioned her being mad, give him the cold shoulder, cool off after a while and eventually let him offer her apologies, make it up to her and they'd then be okay.
But she hadn't. She hadn't let him back in. In fact, she too pushed him away; further than she ever had before. She changed her personal cell phone number; she wordlessly passed his things back to him that he'd left at her apartment. She made a point of conversing with him only at work and when it was necessary. But even with such a bleak outlook on their relationship, Danny was sure there was some hope for them. She just needed time. So, he backed off and accepted that he'd pushed the boundaries too far in their relationship... and when she did eventually come back to him; he was going to have to work hard at letting her in. And he'd do it; because he sure as hell wasn't going to screw up again.
Except, it never happened; in fact, the opposite happened.
She fell in love with someone else.
He wasn't sure how 'in love' she was; but she made a point of him being aware that there was someone new in her life. And that someone new wasn't going anywhere. He tried not to notice the bounce in her step, the constant smile on her face and the healthy glow her skin had taken. He knew from firsthand experience how good of an actress she was and he could see every now and then in her eyes that she missed him. She was just being stubborn. She was standing her ground to show him that she was no longer going to put up with the shit he insisted on putting her through.
At least, that's what he'd told himself.
As the months passed Patrick appeared to be more of a concrete figure in Lindsay's life. Patrick somehow managed to weasel invites to team nights out, Patrick came to meet her after work, and Patrick surprised her with bouquets of gorgeous flowers in their office. Patrick this, Patrick that... Patrick, Patrick, Patrick. If Patrick knew Lindsay at all, he'd know that she didn't like big bouquets of flowers. She killed them just by looking at them. One little Daisy, or a little Hershey's kiss sat on her desk with a post-it bribing her with the rest of the pack when she got to his was what she liked. She didn't want fuss. The little thoughtful actions spoke loud enough for themselves.
Danny knew that... but then again, where had that knowledge got him? The numerous bouquets of flowers Patrick insisted on showering her with seemed not to be hindering their relationship any. And where was Danny's relationship with Lindsay exactly? A little past rock bottom, he mused miserably.
Patrick's presence pissed Danny off, but it didn't unnerve him. Patrick was someone new; someone passing. He didn't have the history with Lindsay that he did. He'd been there when she'd needed him. He'd flown to Montana. He'd been the one that she'd cried to when the cases were tough. He was the one she'd let go of her inhibitions with while in the heights of passion. He'd had that first, and he'd always have that connection with Lindsay.
But that connection wasn't as strong anymore, and he could feel her slipping through his overly confident fingertips.
And just as he himself hit rock bottom, she dropped the tonne of bricks on him.
Dun, dun, dun. Cliffhanger? What? Oh yeah, I went there :p
I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of this one. In all there are six chapters, so I'd love it if you come back and check the rest out. Also, any thoughts are muchly appreciated; this is a little different to what I usually write, so I hope you guys like it.
Thanks for reading! :)
