I stood at the entrance of the fair gate, beer can in hand. God, would it be pathetic of me to go in there by myself? I took a generous sip of he cool, yeasty drink and when I had emptied it I threw it over my shoulder. I heard the joyous screams of the carny-goers fading in and out like an old radio station. I looked up to where the metallic curve of the infamous Deathsnake peaked, a hundred feet high.
"Don't be a pussy." I whispered to myself as my feet reluctantly took me forward. I sniffed in the salty-sweet air, tucking a strand of my dark hair behind my ear and grinning at the poor guy who was handing out flyers at the entrance. I chose to walk too close to him, our arms brushing against each other.
I felt his eyes linger on me as I continued on. Trailing slowly up my long (thank you mother), bare legs and resting on the round curve of my ass. I flicked a coy gaze over my shoulder and watched as his mouth dropped open.
Too easy.
What wasn't easy was actually making it up to the line for the death contraption- I mean roller-coaster. I swallowed dryly, rocking back and forth on my heels before finding the courage to line up.
You see, it all started when I was seven. My alcoholic mother dragged me to the fair this one late night when they had been packing away. Oh, but she insisted I ride the roller-coaster to make up for my shitty childhood. She slipped her hand on the carny's thigh, batted her eyelashes and voila, I was riding the Loopy-Loop. What she didn't account for was that the cheap junk would jerk to a stop halfway down the descent of a steep metal hill and as a result, I ended up breaking my collar bone.
Hard to do the housework when that's broken, mother.
"You getting on?" The carny said in a voice as dead as his future. I handed him my ticket.
Fucking assholes. Everybody had filled up every other car but the very front one. I turned around and thought about running but fuck it, I was already here and I couldn't chicken out in front of these people. So, I turned back and climbed into the car.
Worst case-scenario: I plummet to my death.
Best case-scenario: I close my eyes and in four minutes it'll be over and I get a new hairdo.
Somebody climbed in next to me. It was a guy. A very hot guy.
Revised worst case-scenario: I throw up on him and we both die.
"You must be a veteran," He smiled, a friendly smile that was so bright I blinked blankly. "Riding up the front."
"It's my first time." Well, on my own terms. We both reached up and pulled the bar over us.
He smiled again, his face lighting up like a camera flash. "Mine too."
The Deathsnake lurched forward, our ride toward doom finally beginning. It was deceivingly slow at first, grinding along the steel hill. I looked at the guy, who was looking out at the confetti of carny lights below us. I looked too and was surprised that the distance rendered the ugly, weirdness of the fair magical. But my attention was split. I kept cutting back to his face. His jaw line was sharp, setting his face with masculinity, the red glow beneath us painting the underside of his face. When he tilted his head I caught a brief glimpse of his sparkly blue eyes, hidden beneath a sea of his golden shaggy hair.
When he looked at me I cut my view away.
"What a view." He said.
"Tell me about it..." I mumbled. I could feel his smile.
"Oh shit-"
And we dropped.
~·~
Now, I'm not going to do the whole we-fell-in-love metaphor. I didn't fall in love with him. I didn't even know what love was, really. Heck, I'm a teenage girl. I fell in love with a cat in a raincoat just this morning-hardly an expert. But, when we crested the first peak and the world sprawled beneath us in a hazy sea of carny lights and we plummeted toward it at light speed, we spontaneously and simultaneously reached for each other's hands.
I felt something had never felt before. You can call it love or you can call it free fall. They were pretty much the same thing.
~·~
We glided to a stop. I looked up at him with a shit-eating grin which he wore too. While I was sure my hair looked like I had stuck my finger in a power socket, his was merely wind-whipped, framing his face handsomely.
"We're alive!" He said exclaimed. I laughed.
He climbed out of the car and turned back, offering a helping hand. I took it and felt a surge of heat radiate up my arm when our hands touched again. God, that was great. Not once did I think about my mother or all the shitty things that made up my childhood. For once, it was just fun.
I didn't realise he still held my hand until I felt him drag me down the set of stairs. He stopped and let my hand go which made me a little disappointed. He looked at me and grinned.
"Thanks." I said.
"For what?"
"Helping me lose my roller-coaster virginity." I grinned and he smiled coyly, shoving his hands into his pockets and rocking back and forth on his heels.
"How old are?" And there it was. The million dollar question. The corner of my mouth curved up.
"Old enough." I loved what their faces did when I said this. Old enough to...fill in the blank.
"I don't want your parents to think I'm some kind of creep."
"What parents? I'm here alone." He half smiled then leaned in closer toward me like he was looking at a stray lash. I froze, all of the high of our thrill-ride seizing up on me. "What are you doing?" I breathed. A second later he reclined back.
"Oh, green." He half smiled again. "I wanted to know the colour of your eyes."
"Why? So the police can identify my body later?" He laughed, thankfully.
"So," He inhaled. "You don't think I'm a creep?" I shook my head. "You wanna go try something else out?" I nodded.
Oh yes.
~·~
After a few rides, with him screaming and me laughing at him screaming, he went and got us a beer and we walked out toward some dimly lit picnic table. I climbed up and seated myself on he table while he sat beside me on the seat below. I could feel his body heat radiating from him against my bare legs and I shivered.
I watched as a he took a generous sip, setting his drink aside and leaning back on the table with his elbows. His shoulders were wide and broad, every limb of his long and lean. My eyes trailed down his arms to his hands, god, they were big and masculine in every sense. He must have felt me staring and he looked up at me, only this time, I didn't loom away.
"Why'd you come alone?" He asked.
Ah, because I don't have friends and I'm kind of a basket case. But I won't tell you that because that won't get you to fuck me-which, I wanted very badly right now. If only he'd just wedge himself between my legs and devour me right here, right now...
"I just wanted to have fun. What about you?" I said, an answer fairly vague. He smiled, that pop of blinding light flashing before me. His head snapped back and his eyes stared at the inky black night sky blanketed with a thousand sparkling stars. The glow of the moon illuminated his face, and my heart picked up in speed.
"I came with my younger brother and his...his er..boyfriend?" Oh, younger, gay brother, interesting. "I'm not sure if they're exclusive or not but they took off anyway. I'm alone too." He chuckled, scratched the back of his head and then sighed. "It kinda feels like the world knows how to be happy and they won't let me in on the secret."
There were those once-in-a-blue-moon moments when you meet a perfect stranger and feel like you have known them your whole, miserable life. You get to know each other and you see something buried deep inside them that you have buried deep inside of you too. This was one of those moments.
"Bastards." I said, nudging my foot against his hip. He laughed, his head tilting back to look at me.
"I'm starting a new job. I'm kinda nervous, and I thought I could cancel it out with riding the roller-coaster."
"How'd that work out?" I said, not intentionally lacing my tone with cynicism.
"It was a temporary relief. What about you? You live here?"
"Yeah, I'm kind of starting a new job too," Yeah, my senior year... "An unpaid internship."
"You scared?"
"Of course." I shifted closer to him but I don't remember when.
"God, you look stunning." He breathed, his eyes fighting the urge to look at my legs. I felt giddy. His attention was delightful and I craved more of it. So, I looked down at him with a half-lidded gaze and pouty lips-that fuck-me look that I used every time.
"You too."
He made a breathy chuckle and got up from the seat, turning back and offering me his hand. "I'll take you home."
~·~
We got to his car. An old Chevy Monte Carlo built before I was even born. It looked like something from a Tarantino film, really. He was quite chivalrous, opening my door and closing it behind me. The front seat was a large stretch of tan leather which smelled dizzyingly masculine. I raked my fingers through my hair as he walked around to the other side, trying to bring some order to it. I managed to steal a quick glance at my reflection before he got in and was somewhat satisfied.
"Where do you live?" I was sure I heard him ask but I couldn't hear well with the blood rushing behind my ears. I dent know why I felt so...shy. Perhaps it was because we were in a closed space, just me and him with metal and glass sealing us off from the rest of the world. I breathed heavy.
He noticed, his hands slipping from the steering wheel and his body angling in my direction.
We met halfway.
~·~
Before this goes any further, I should probably mention that I've slept with older men before. Sometimes twice my age. My school counselor put it down to my father abandoning me at two but shit, I couldn't put all the blame on him. I hold the reigns my own fate and all that jazz but still, fuck you dad.
I still reckon I would do it even if I had a normal childhood. Teenage boys were like sensitive car alarms, even a gentle breeze would set them off. I would know, I lost my virginity to one in freshman year. I didn't even realise when he came, I thought he was still trying to get it in. Next time will be better, I thought. The next guy lasted 34 seconds, I know, because I counted.
So, when some twenty-something year old guy at the service station gave me a little attention I went and fucked him. He made sure that I came first and bought me a burger before taking me home. I could get used to this, I thought. And I did.
~·~
I thought our kiss would be frantic and urgent but it wasn't. It was soft and restrained. All the urgency went to our hands which were perched on each other's shoulders like talons. My heart was ecstatic. He wanted this as much as I wanted it and I tried very hard not to fuck it up, to turn it into another drunk, sloppy hookup. I kissed him slowly, indulgently, feeling the satin flesh of his lips against mine and the faint grizzle of his stubbled cheek made for an interesting contrast.
His hand circled my skull, pulling me closer to him and It took serious willpower to go slowly. I tilted my head at just the right angle to his, opening my mouth for his tongue. God, when had I last been kissed like this? Had I ever? It felt like being fucked, only slowly, sweetly and more personally. The blood in my veins glowed like those red neon lights at the fair.
He pulled away and I felt dazed and very, very confused when he did. He looked at me, his fingers caressing my hair. "You really are beautiful." And there goes my self restraint. I yanked on his collar and pulled him toward me. This time our kiss was urgent and needy, lips moving in a bruising way and teeth clashing. I lowered myself along the sticky leather seat and his weight rested atop me. I felt his knee come up and wedge between my legs.
I reached for his zipper when he said, "Wait," He pulled away, again, and looked down at me. "I don't want this to be just a hookup. I want to know you."
I leaned up and pressed my lips along his jaw line, my wicked fingers weaving into that luscious hair of his and forcing him to kiss me. "Then, get to know me," I ran my tongue along the shell of his ear and whispered hotly, "Physically." He complied to my demand and kissed me back with the same fervor. He peeled off my sticky shirt, then my shorts and he moved up, undoing my bra. I gasped when his hot mouth pressed into the skin between my breasts, and again when he sucked on my nipple. God, his tongue... I was so easily robbed of the ability to speak anything coherent when he worked me with those lips. I never wanted to run out of clothes with the way he removed an article of clothing and explored the revealed skin with his mouth and hands.
I reached for his zipper, he didn't stop me. Nor did he prevent me from popping his button and slipping my hand around his dick. I shivered at the contact.
There was something so final about this moment. When you feel their piece and you know they're going to fuck you with it. I couldn't help but grin at the thought, my fingers running up and down his thick length. He was entire degrees hotter here than any where else on his body.
He groaned into our kiss, his thumbs hooking into my underwear. He peeled them down and left it around my ankles before reaching into the glove box. He offered me the little foil package and I accepted with a grin. I tore it open and rolled the protective rubber down his engorged flesh.
He leaned into me and kissed my collar bone and I sucked in a sharp breath as he slid his dick along me, cruelly letting me feel the length of him. "Tell me your name." He whispered into my hair, sending a wave of electricity rippling across my scalp. "I want to know your name." He said, closer toward my ear.
Jesus, he was making this real.
I ground my hips up against him and we both winced at the shock of pleasure but he still wouldn't fuck me.
"Tell me," He said, firmly this time.
"Remy." I succumbed, breathy and shakily, grasping at his shoulders like I was going to slip from the earth.
"Hi, Remy."
"Hi, what's yours?"
"Corazon."
"Corazon," I said, pulling him down to me. "Please stop talking and fuck me."
Something clicked into place when he pushed into me, like a puzzle piece falling into place. The world around us melted into a hazy, distant memory but I could feel the rotation of the Earth, the gravitational pull that kept us so close we became one human, entanglement.
I heard him release a shaky breath as he pulled out of me, and I sucked it up when he thrust deep. He fucked me slowly, eyes open and on my face. My fingers and toes curled and unfurled as I was repeatedly hit with waves of pure pleasure. The ache was unbearable and I hadn't realised it until he filled me with his hardness. It was almost cruel as he retreated with after every thrust, reminding me how disgustingly empty I was.
It was funny, his kissing felt like fucking and his fucking felt like kissing, every part of me yielding to him.
He stopped, his dick buried to the hilt inside me but unmoving. I could have screamed. I did when he started up again, only this time he was even slower, torturing me. I could feel every inch of him glide against my velvety flesh and it seemed to tighten the tension that was coiled within me.
"I'm gonna come! I'm gonna come!" I chanted, my words nothing but an envelope for air.
He didn't let up his slow, languid pace and not too long after I let go, every bit of tension coiled in me springing out through my nerves in an electric storm. He came with me, his whole body seizing and for a fleeting second he was monstrously strong, his fingers gripping the flesh of my ass. I melted around him, around his startling hard dick. He pumped into me softer and softer until his head fell into the crook of my neck, his body falling flaccid against mine.
He leaned up on his elbows, his eyes already moving over my face. I swallowed nervously. I had never felt so vulnerable under somebody's gaze before. He still remained inside me, soft now. I didn't know what to do. They usually just pull out, disengaged and started looking around for my clothes. He stared down at me, a contented smile on his face.
I was trapped, underneath him.
He brushed my cheek with the back of his hand. Oh God, please don't say something cheesy, please don't talk...
He leaned down and kissed me. Okay, I can deal with this. I kissed him back, a slow motion of our lips. I didn't want anything from him at this point so it was unhurried. He pulled away, tucking himself back in with the condom still on and looked down at me.
Shit...
He looked at me like he knew me-and not in a biblical sense either but in a you-are-more-than-just-a-quick-fuck sense.
I sat up, forcing myself to reach and casually put on my clothes. Panties up. Bra on. I couldn't put my shorts back on without kicking him in the faceted and he laughed, grabbing my calf and rubbing it against his cheek. I tried to not let the contact send fireworks to my nervous system but you try arguing with endorphins. I drew in a deeper breath and caught that magical sex musk in my nose.
"Remy?"
My spine crackled when he said it and I tried to find something interesting to look at in the side mirrors. "Yeah?"
"Just trying it out."
Would it be too rude to open the door now?
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
"Remy."
I turned to him. I guess that's all he wanted-to say my name and get a response. He tilted his head and the soft glow of the moon caught beneath his chin and swam across his cheek where it pooled in those beautiful blue eyes. He really was just so beautiful. And he was so nice to me. And I had to find a way out before I choked.
"Hey," I said with forced merriment. "I wanna go try out some other rides," The corners of his lips rose with hope. "Why don't you clean up and meet me there?"
I'm a decent liar. Key skills: eye contact, confidence, not caring about the outcome.
But here was the problem. Somehow, in those two hours since I had met him, he knew me enough to see through my bullshit. Maybe he heard a crack in my voice or saw a glimpse of desperation in my eyes because instead of joking or blushing or anything normal, he looked at me like I told him I never wanted to see him again.
Never mind the fact that that was exactly what I was trying to say.
"Okay." He said quietly.
Key skill: follow through.
"Cool." I said and pecked him on the cheek. He grabbed my face and held me there. My heart felt like a jackhammer, beating against my chest like it wanted to escape. Corazon just looked at me, his thumb tracing over my lips and cheek like he was memorizing them like it was the last time he would see them.
I didn't have the heart to give him a fake kiss. I lowered my head and got out of the car.
~·~
My bike was chained to a post on the eastern side of the grounds. It was quiet now, save for the few drunk carnies stumbling about. I swung my leg over my bike and winced at the sweet burn between my legs. God fucking damn it. I had to bike standing up to pedal through the tall grasses and dirt and of course each push reminded me of what I'd just done and how good it felt and how shit I felt now.
Yeah, I hookup with older guys. And then leave them before they can leave me.
Thanks for the abandonment issues, Dad. Fuck you very much.
When I reached the blacktop my eyes were blurry. It was the wind. Really, it was.
