Dark. Always so dark. Why was it always so dark?

Oh yes because I was blind. I could no longer see. You may be asking yourself how I lost my eyesight, well it's a long and dark story. There is that word again – dark. I hate the dark. I used to love it and crave it when I was child, but now it is never ending and I would never see light again. Expect in my minds eyes.

I have to admit that I didn't live in darkness because I lost my eye sight ... no I had started living in the dark when Spencer got captured by Tobias and Tobias had almost killed him. I had started living in the darkness because of my guilt for not being able to protect Spence. I lived in the darkness when I thought back how actual relieved I was to remain behind at the front of the barn when Spencer ran around to the back. I was secretly hoping that Spencer would be the one who would found Tobias first and have him safely tied up by the time I got to him.

But I knew things wouldn't work out that way when I went to the front of the barn and pulled my gun and flashlight. I had to go into the barn and help Spencer capture Tobias, it was a two agents job after all. But the barn was pitch black. Dark. I only had my small flashlight to see into the far corners and I knew than that Tobias wasn't in the barn and neither was Spencer. I wanted to back out, but I had a feeling that I was needed in the barn. So I stayed.

I slowly inched my way forward and than suddenly stopped as I heard the slight splash my shoe made in a puddle. I slowly lowered my flashlight and I saw it, it looked like red was mixed in the mud. I slowly moved my foot back wards and my breath caught in my thoart as I recognized the blood. There was a pool of it at my feet and along the dirt floor. I moved my flashlight slowly – ever slowly until I saw the mattress and I saw the torn up black lacy mater tail swimming in the blood.

I knew I just found our latest victim, the blond woman who had been cheating on her husband. The woman our unsub, whom turned out to be Tobias, had kidnapped after he killed her lover. But wait I hear something. A growl. I slowly turned my flashlight away from the mattress and over to the sound and into the eyes of a huge black dog. I swallow as I realized that Tobias had sent this dog on the woman and he had eaten her whole. But wait what is that another growl to the right and also the left of me? I turn quickly and and see another dog to the right and than to the left of me. All three of them had the blood hungry look as they stare at me.

I was a dead woman if I couldn't think fast. I lifted my gun and pointed and just as the first dog rushed me I pulled the trigger, he went down quickly. I couldn't breath easily yet, I still had two dogs at both sides of me. If I made the wrong move than I wouldn't have another chance. The dogs reached me and I screamed for Spencer as I pulled the trigger. The first dog feel at my feet while the third dog successfully bit into my arm. I felt my skin break and his teeth on my bone. I quickly turned and pointed my gun point blank in his head and pulled the trigger. I felt the dogs blood spray onto the front of my shirt where my breast were located. I quickly backed away to the hay stacks and knelt down with my gun waiting. I knew there would be more.

I suddenly heard feet rush into the barn and I jumped to my feet and swung around pointing my gun and screaming, "Freeze FBI!". I was ready to shoot anything that made its way to me. I heard Morgan's voice trying to reach me and tell me that I was safe that it was him and Prentiss with him. But I didn't believe him because I knew Tobias had trained his dogs to attack anyway they could. It wasn't until I heard Prentiss's firm voice right in my ear that I knew that I was safe. I lowered my gun before I could pull the trigger and shoot Morgan.

I heard myself tell them that Tobias was our unsub and that I had to kill the dogs otherwise they would have killed me. Like how they killed the woman. I heard myself tell them that Spencer went after Tobias and he hadn't come back yet. The next think I knew I was sitting in an open ambulance having my arm being tended to. I felt the needle poke my skin as I heard Morgan and Prentiss talk about how Spencer hasn't been found. That's when the darkness started to engulf me.

I tried to tell Morgan in Tobias's kitchen how I felt, but he quickly told me that he didn't want to hear it. That I had to work it out for myself. I knew that he was deeply worried about Spencer and that it hadn't been the right time to get someone, anyone to admit that they blamed me for Spence's torture. I should have waited until Spencer was safely back in our arms. But I couldn't. I needed the vocal guilt trip along side my own private one. Afterward he has come to me and apologized for his behavior during that time ... I told him that I understood and there wasn't anything to forgive. I saw the relief in his eyes and he quickly returned to his work.

I wasn't the only one living in the dark because of Tobias, Spencer lived there also. But I hid my darkness better than he had. The team never suspected that I was suffering just much as Spencer. I wouldn't allow them to see. Spencer needed help more than I did. But I knew that Hotch, Prentiss and Garcia truly knew that I was in the dark more than the light. But none of them have come to me and asked me if they could help me leave the darkness. Even if they had I would have pushed them away. I didn't need or want them.

Spencer was finally on the world of recovery and I could see he was embracing the light more and more every day and I was happy for him. My Spence would be fine and he would become stronger from his ordeal. He began to notice me once more and I could tell that he noticed that I didn't smile at him as much as I used too. That I didn't try to ruffle his hair as much. I still stood by him after I ratted off the case information, and I would still willing go with him when we split off into teams. But he knew that I was different. But he didn't reach out to me. But I still felt his concern. But I wasn't ready to accept it. I'm still not ready too.

I, Jennifer Jareau lived in the darkness of depression and now my eye sight had been taken from me. I will never see the light ever again. I don't know if I should be thankful or curse the unsub whom had done this too me.

I told you how I lost my inner light and now let me tell you how I lost my outer light. My eyes. How I came to see Tobias's face more clearly now that I was blind than I have ever done before.

TBC ...