The Marble
Author's Note: I apologize if you read John Steinbeck's "The Pearl" and liked it, and find some of this content offensive. I in no way mean any harm to The Pearl and all that lies within its pages or its loyal fans.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. None of Steinbeck's characters/events/whatever else belong to me, nor does the "Chickens on Vacation" song or the Harry Potter theme. But the Squeaky Crab Toy of Evil is all mine…(actually Kavi made that part up, but he "gave" it to me and he's my tree monkey anyways)
Onik awoke in the darkness. He lay there for a while, thinking about stuff. And he thought about his pitiful career as a fisherman/pearl diver (if only he hadn't gone into the late-90s trend and tried to make a web business). And he thought about why Juana was awake whenever he was (ESP? Is there something he should know?). And he thought about fixing his roof, and he decided he would say he was too poor to. And he thought about whether or not he looked buff enough on the cover of his book.
In a few minutes the sun would come up and, like he was supposed to, he would go see the sunrise and then go back inside. He knew he should - after all, he had read "The Pearl". But he was too lazy.
So he just turned around and watched his wife Anuaj. She was playing with their baby, Coyote. He guessed she would eventually pick him up and put him in her shawl, because she always did. He didn't understand that - actually, after the first couple of chapters it got kind of annoying.
The Show Tune of Family (actually the Chickens on Vacation song) played in Onik's ears. Eventually, as all show tunes do, it got stuck in his head, and he started humming it to himself. "Chickens on vacation/ Flying through the sky/ Going to California in Mid-July…"
Eventually he, Anuaj, and Coyote were all up and dancing, singing, and generally being rather musical. "Chickens on a plane/ Going through the air," Coyote sang in an alto (quite nicely, I might add). "From a farm in Delaware," Anuaj continued with a broad wink at the packed theater audience. "From a farm in Del-a-WARE!!!" Onik finished. They bowed to thunderous applause, and then went back to doing whatever they were supposed to be doing.
Then, suddenly, a change in the morning occurred. The "Chickens on Vacation" song was slowly replaced by something else… some sort of twisted, demented carnival music… the song of Evil… the Harry Potter theme!!!
(Harry Potter burst into Onik's hut. "Hey! That's not very nice!" he protested rather indignantly. From next to Onik a random tree monkey named Kavi replied, "Well, my wizardish friend, you have to admit it fits really really well there." And Harry shrugged, agreed, and walked out of the hut quite cheerfully. Onik, Anuaj, and Kavi all looked at each other and declared, "Sillybritishpansy.")
The Song of Evil had overtaken the Song of Family. Onik leapt suddenly to his feet (it was fun!) and Anuaj gasped when, at the same time, they noticed the Squeaky Crab Toy dangling from Coyote's four-poster bed! With over-dramaticness oozing out his ears, Onik rose to meet the enemy, the squeaky threat to his family. But the squeaky toy could sense the danger. And Onik thought, "Oh no! If I try to swat it now, it'll fly away before I can get it!"
Then, out of nowhere, Anuaj handed him a shiny black Oxford. Onik smiled and raised the random Oxford to violently kill the Squeaky Crab Toy and finally get the Harry Potter theme out of his head. Suddenly, Coyote pulled a pretty gold tassel on his bed and the Crab Toy flew away, letting out a horrifying squeak!!!!!!!
"Rage built up" within Onik (after all, he very well couldn't afford anger management classes) and he caught the toy and squished it with the random Oxford, then repeated the process between his hands and into the dirt floor of the hut. He and Anuaj exchanged a glance, and Onik made a face. "Ew…. Squeaky toy guts!"
By that time, the terrifying squeaks had attracted the neighbors, including Onik's brother Tommybaby and his wife (whose name nobody can seem to pronounce so it's ridiculous to even try. We'll just call her Appalachia - it's close enough, eh?) and a whole mob of other random nosy villagers.
Anuaj saw Coyote's liver begin to swell. "Call 9-1-1!… No, wait, we don't have phones. Go find a blue flower with red thorns!… Oh, no, that won't help. Can we get Harry Potter back to work a charm? No? Uh… does anyone know CPR?"
"Why don't we go see the doctor?" Onik suggested in a stage whisper, hiding a copy of "The Pearl" behind his back.
"Let's go see the doctor," Anuaj suggested firmly. Putting Coyote in her hammock-shawl, she strode out the door, and Onik followed. So, of course, did the rest of the villagers. It was a regular parade, with balloons and marching bands and floats, and Appalachia even twirled a baton.
As they were leaving the cluster of huts, Tommybaby called out, "No! Something tells me we're going to march the whole village there, and it's going to take forever, and it'll take up almost ten very boring pages of just walking around, and then there'll be more boring descriptions of the doctor, and he won't treat little Coyote anyways, and we'll all go home dejected and worried, and Onik will punch a gate and split his knuckles because, man, that guy needs anger management."
But nobody listened. Older brothers were always too bossy anyways.
So the residents of the little village paraded into Pa Laz(y). And they went past the gilded gates of the fair town. And they paraded through the streets paved with pesos. And they left behind too much confetti to count. And they went past the pretty houses with flowers and birds and if you'd read you know the rest. And the beggars watched, and Kino noticed that even the "poor" of this place had sparkling white teeth.
Anyways, they got to the doctor's house.
Onik knocked on the door and it opened. They could sorta see into the doorway, and they saw a random owl, about two feet tall and bright brown, sitting on a pedestal inside, wearing a T-shirt that said, "I AM NOT A SYMBOL". "What do you-o-o-oot want?" the random owl questioned.
Onik did a double take. "You're a random pet!! You're not supposed to talk!"
The owl shrugged as best he could. "This is a fanfic parody of a parable. All things are possible." He shrugged again. "It's all Kavi and his animal rights. You'd be talking to the real servant if he was here, but he's out sick."
"Oh," Onik said. He never was too quick. "Well, er…" He glanced at his copy of "The Pearl". "Oh yeah…uh… The little one has been poisoned by the Squeaky Crab Toy. He requires the skill of a healer."
"I go to inform myself," the owl replied, and it was the first time in this fic something was true to the book.
"That doesn't make sense, and we all know it," Anuaj pointed out. The owl shrugged, glancing about nervously, and flapped noisily out of the doorway.
They waited a while.
Then the owl was back.
"Doc's not here right now. Sorry. Go away," the owl said, slamming the door in his face rather rudely. The camera took an aerial view and zoomed out further and further and further and further as Onik shouted, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" Then he punched the gate and split his knuckles. For a moment he looked at his blood in dull amazement, and then he screamed, "Ew! Blood! Help! I'm bleeding! Ah! I'm going to lose all my blood! Ew! Help!"
Anuaj shrugged. Coyote stopped crying to stare. "Well, that was stupid," the baby whispered behind his hand to Anuaj, and she nodded.
"Told you so," Tommybaby said. And they went back home.
Well, there it is. All of Chapter One parody-ized. Chapter Two should be on the way - Onik finds the Marble of the World, Harry Potter pays another visit, and an oyster has his own musical solo!!! Special Thanks are due to Sasery since she helped come up with this idea.
Look into my eyes. Watch the spinning coin of gold, and you shall do as you are told.
***Put your hand on the mouse. Click on the little button that says, "Send review". Write a review for this story. You will be loved by all and instantly become the very definition of coolness.***
Author's Note: I apologize if you read John Steinbeck's "The Pearl" and liked it, and find some of this content offensive. I in no way mean any harm to The Pearl and all that lies within its pages or its loyal fans.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. None of Steinbeck's characters/events/whatever else belong to me, nor does the "Chickens on Vacation" song or the Harry Potter theme. But the Squeaky Crab Toy of Evil is all mine…(actually Kavi made that part up, but he "gave" it to me and he's my tree monkey anyways)
Onik awoke in the darkness. He lay there for a while, thinking about stuff. And he thought about his pitiful career as a fisherman/pearl diver (if only he hadn't gone into the late-90s trend and tried to make a web business). And he thought about why Juana was awake whenever he was (ESP? Is there something he should know?). And he thought about fixing his roof, and he decided he would say he was too poor to. And he thought about whether or not he looked buff enough on the cover of his book.
In a few minutes the sun would come up and, like he was supposed to, he would go see the sunrise and then go back inside. He knew he should - after all, he had read "The Pearl". But he was too lazy.
So he just turned around and watched his wife Anuaj. She was playing with their baby, Coyote. He guessed she would eventually pick him up and put him in her shawl, because she always did. He didn't understand that - actually, after the first couple of chapters it got kind of annoying.
The Show Tune of Family (actually the Chickens on Vacation song) played in Onik's ears. Eventually, as all show tunes do, it got stuck in his head, and he started humming it to himself. "Chickens on vacation/ Flying through the sky/ Going to California in Mid-July…"
Eventually he, Anuaj, and Coyote were all up and dancing, singing, and generally being rather musical. "Chickens on a plane/ Going through the air," Coyote sang in an alto (quite nicely, I might add). "From a farm in Delaware," Anuaj continued with a broad wink at the packed theater audience. "From a farm in Del-a-WARE!!!" Onik finished. They bowed to thunderous applause, and then went back to doing whatever they were supposed to be doing.
Then, suddenly, a change in the morning occurred. The "Chickens on Vacation" song was slowly replaced by something else… some sort of twisted, demented carnival music… the song of Evil… the Harry Potter theme!!!
(Harry Potter burst into Onik's hut. "Hey! That's not very nice!" he protested rather indignantly. From next to Onik a random tree monkey named Kavi replied, "Well, my wizardish friend, you have to admit it fits really really well there." And Harry shrugged, agreed, and walked out of the hut quite cheerfully. Onik, Anuaj, and Kavi all looked at each other and declared, "Sillybritishpansy.")
The Song of Evil had overtaken the Song of Family. Onik leapt suddenly to his feet (it was fun!) and Anuaj gasped when, at the same time, they noticed the Squeaky Crab Toy dangling from Coyote's four-poster bed! With over-dramaticness oozing out his ears, Onik rose to meet the enemy, the squeaky threat to his family. But the squeaky toy could sense the danger. And Onik thought, "Oh no! If I try to swat it now, it'll fly away before I can get it!"
Then, out of nowhere, Anuaj handed him a shiny black Oxford. Onik smiled and raised the random Oxford to violently kill the Squeaky Crab Toy and finally get the Harry Potter theme out of his head. Suddenly, Coyote pulled a pretty gold tassel on his bed and the Crab Toy flew away, letting out a horrifying squeak!!!!!!!
"Rage built up" within Onik (after all, he very well couldn't afford anger management classes) and he caught the toy and squished it with the random Oxford, then repeated the process between his hands and into the dirt floor of the hut. He and Anuaj exchanged a glance, and Onik made a face. "Ew…. Squeaky toy guts!"
By that time, the terrifying squeaks had attracted the neighbors, including Onik's brother Tommybaby and his wife (whose name nobody can seem to pronounce so it's ridiculous to even try. We'll just call her Appalachia - it's close enough, eh?) and a whole mob of other random nosy villagers.
Anuaj saw Coyote's liver begin to swell. "Call 9-1-1!… No, wait, we don't have phones. Go find a blue flower with red thorns!… Oh, no, that won't help. Can we get Harry Potter back to work a charm? No? Uh… does anyone know CPR?"
"Why don't we go see the doctor?" Onik suggested in a stage whisper, hiding a copy of "The Pearl" behind his back.
"Let's go see the doctor," Anuaj suggested firmly. Putting Coyote in her hammock-shawl, she strode out the door, and Onik followed. So, of course, did the rest of the villagers. It was a regular parade, with balloons and marching bands and floats, and Appalachia even twirled a baton.
As they were leaving the cluster of huts, Tommybaby called out, "No! Something tells me we're going to march the whole village there, and it's going to take forever, and it'll take up almost ten very boring pages of just walking around, and then there'll be more boring descriptions of the doctor, and he won't treat little Coyote anyways, and we'll all go home dejected and worried, and Onik will punch a gate and split his knuckles because, man, that guy needs anger management."
But nobody listened. Older brothers were always too bossy anyways.
So the residents of the little village paraded into Pa Laz(y). And they went past the gilded gates of the fair town. And they paraded through the streets paved with pesos. And they left behind too much confetti to count. And they went past the pretty houses with flowers and birds and if you'd read you know the rest. And the beggars watched, and Kino noticed that even the "poor" of this place had sparkling white teeth.
Anyways, they got to the doctor's house.
Onik knocked on the door and it opened. They could sorta see into the doorway, and they saw a random owl, about two feet tall and bright brown, sitting on a pedestal inside, wearing a T-shirt that said, "I AM NOT A SYMBOL". "What do you-o-o-oot want?" the random owl questioned.
Onik did a double take. "You're a random pet!! You're not supposed to talk!"
The owl shrugged as best he could. "This is a fanfic parody of a parable. All things are possible." He shrugged again. "It's all Kavi and his animal rights. You'd be talking to the real servant if he was here, but he's out sick."
"Oh," Onik said. He never was too quick. "Well, er…" He glanced at his copy of "The Pearl". "Oh yeah…uh… The little one has been poisoned by the Squeaky Crab Toy. He requires the skill of a healer."
"I go to inform myself," the owl replied, and it was the first time in this fic something was true to the book.
"That doesn't make sense, and we all know it," Anuaj pointed out. The owl shrugged, glancing about nervously, and flapped noisily out of the doorway.
They waited a while.
Then the owl was back.
"Doc's not here right now. Sorry. Go away," the owl said, slamming the door in his face rather rudely. The camera took an aerial view and zoomed out further and further and further and further as Onik shouted, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" Then he punched the gate and split his knuckles. For a moment he looked at his blood in dull amazement, and then he screamed, "Ew! Blood! Help! I'm bleeding! Ah! I'm going to lose all my blood! Ew! Help!"
Anuaj shrugged. Coyote stopped crying to stare. "Well, that was stupid," the baby whispered behind his hand to Anuaj, and she nodded.
"Told you so," Tommybaby said. And they went back home.
Well, there it is. All of Chapter One parody-ized. Chapter Two should be on the way - Onik finds the Marble of the World, Harry Potter pays another visit, and an oyster has his own musical solo!!! Special Thanks are due to Sasery since she helped come up with this idea.
Look into my eyes. Watch the spinning coin of gold, and you shall do as you are told.
***Put your hand on the mouse. Click on the little button that says, "Send review". Write a review for this story. You will be loved by all and instantly become the very definition of coolness.***
