A/N: Yes, this is the same story as the one PurpleArmadillo recently posted. It's thanks to her that it ever got finished.

Contributing authors: Author M and B of the Songifictionistas (now know as Pennethril the Tale Weaver), and Author S.

Disclaimer: We don't own any of the Harry Potter or Harry Potter related copyrights.

Spencer Hoheimer woke up on a dismal and disgusting March day; even worse, it was a Wednesday, which always just made things worse. Somehow she managed to force herself to get out of her warm and cozy bed in the seventh year Gryffindor girls dormitory, and trudged to the shower still half-asleep.

Once she got out of the shower she met a curious sight. Her dorm mates, Ashley Powerdaddi, Whitney Nobrains, and Ima Wench, who were usually unconcerned with their appearances, were standing at the sinks with their backs to her and feverishly applying copious amounts of eyeliner and lipstick. Spencer also noted that the jackets that they wore were a painful shade of neon pink and said 'Dumdumpops' on the back.

"Uh, good morning Ashley, Whitney and Ima," Spencer said uncertainly.

"Ugh! You, like, made me smudge my, like, concealer!" said Ashley shrilly.

"Yeah!" Whitney agreed.

"Shut up Whitney!" Ima said in her nasally, condescending voice as she applied her third layer of pink pig-butt pink lipstick.

"Like, leave her, like, alone Ima; you're, like, such a wench," said Ashley as she made kissy faces at the mirror.

Spencer was more than just a little shocked; normally Ashley, Whitney and Ima got along spectacularly, and they almost never wore make-up. They were some of the least shallow and most-down-to-earth girls that Spencer had ever met. However, the fact that the girls were using so many cosmetics is not what surprised Spencer the most; it was what they said next.

"James is so, like, going to love me for, like, ever! He won't, like, be able to resist me!" said Ashley confidently as she flipped her platinum blonde hair over her shoulder. "He'll never, like, look at that, like, hag Evans, like, ever again! Gosh I, like, hate her."

"It's only because you're wearing three bras which have all been stuffed," said Ima snidely.

"Whatever, like, gets the job like done," retorted Ashley. "Like, since obviously Whitney is, like, a bumbling, like, moron who burns, like, love potions."

"Thanks!" said Whitney with a blank expression. "You're so cool!"

Spencer finally found her ability to speak. "Um, excuse me? Did you really just say that Ashley? Are you really talking that way about Lily Evans? Our Lily Evans? The one that helps you with your homework and that you are good friends with?"

"What are you, like, talking about, like, Spencer? What kind of, like, name is that anyway? It's, like, a boy's name," Ashley replied pausing for only a second to glance over her shoulder at Spencer.

"Since when do you make fun of my name?" Spencer asked sadly. "You always said it was really unique and that you liked it…"

"You must be, like, smoking gillyweed, just like, like, your parents were when they, like, named you," said Ashley scathingly.

"Ooohhh," intoned Ima and Whitney at the same time. "You've been, like, burned!"

"I'm so out of here," muttered Spencer as she turned to leave the loo.

"Good riddance," said Ima as she watched Spencer leave. Then she suddenly said, "What is that thing on your face!"

Spencer's hand immediately flew to her face. "What thing?" she asked, concerned.

"It's a zit!" cried Whitney in horror.

"Like, get away from us! We don't, like, want to catch it too!" cried Ashley as she dabbed on another layer of concealer just to be safe.

"Wow," muttered Spencer as she grabbed her schoolbag. "I didn't think such shallow people existed, especially not at Hogwarts and not in my dorm. They were just downright cruel. And what was up with those hideous jackets that they were all wearing? And Dumdumpops? What?"

Spencer made her way down to breakfast, almost completely forgetting about the three of them acting strangely. That is, until she got to the entrance to the Great Hall and spotted Lily standing just outside the door inspecting everyone as they walked into breakfast.

"You! I hate Potter! Pull up your pants! I hate Potter! Detention! I hate Potter!" Lily was yelling at a timid Hufflepuff boy, as Spencer approached.

Lily, then, turned on a couple that was trying to sneak in behind her without being caught. "You two! I hate Potter! You are too close to each other! I hate Potter! Fat Friar! I hate Potter! Come here! I hate Potter!"

"We aren't even that close together," protested the Hufflepuff girl timidly.

"I don't think the Fat Friar could fit between you two. I hate Potter!" Lily said, while gesturing for the Fat Friar to go in between the two.

"Aha! I hate Potter! I knew he couldn't fit! I hate Potter! Too close! I hate Potter! Detention for the both of you! I hate Potter!" Lily said victoriously as she pulled the couple farther apart and sent them off.

Before Spencer could reach Lily, Lily started her assault on a Ravenclaw girl.

"You! I hate Potter! Your socks are mismatched! I hate Potter!" Lily said, pointing at the girl's socks.

The Ravenclaw looked down at her socks curiously, then back up at Lily. "But, what is 'matching' really? Yes, one of the socks is a lighter shade than the other, but who is to say that that is wrong?" the girl questioned.

"I am! I hate Potter! You have a detention! I hate Potter!" Lily shouted.

"Umm, Lily?" asked Spencer cautiously. "Are you okay? What are you doing?"

"I am enforcing the law! I hate Potter! I am making these halls safe for the students! I hate Potter!" yelled Lily as she eyed each and every student for any rule breaking of any kind.

"Don't you think you're going a bit far though?" Spencer asked her usually calm and somewhat lenient friend. "You're acting like some sort of crazy person."

"That's a detention for insulting the Enforcer! I hate Potter! Now got to breakfast! I hate Potter!" yelled Lily.

Spencer quickly sat down at the Gryffindor table, near the door so she could keep an eye on her power-crazy friend. Luckily for her, she had a front row seat to some more of the craziness that had seemingly come over Hogwarts.

"Tuck in your shirt! I hate Potter! Detention! I hate Potter!" Lily screeched.

And then the Marauders arrived.

"All of you, empty your pockets! I hate Potter! Potter, tuck in your shirt, pull up your trousers, get a belt, comb your hair, button up your shirt, tie your shoes, straighten your spectacles, tighten your tie, iron your clothes and for Merlin's sake, un-lopside that ridiculous lopsided grin of yours! I hate Potter!" screamed Lily.

"Good morning to you too my beautiful flower of love," James interrupted when she paused to breathe before starting on his friends.

"No flirting! I hate Potter! Detention! I hate Potter!" said the frustrated Lily with passion.

"Excellent! You know I only get detentions so I can spend more time with you. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen; I have loved you since the first time I saw you back in first year way back when I still thought girls had cooties and were yucky. Go out with me Evans?" asked James hopefully.

"I will never go out with you, you enormous toerag! I hate Potter! You are an ugly, manipulative, obnoxious, witless, bullying, stupid, womanizing, bovine, immature, brainless, insipid, annoying, rule-disobeying, dull, rebellious, insignificant, simple-minded, arrogant, selfish, dense, oafish, thick, unreasonable, imbecilic, dirty hoodlum! I hate Potter! I hate you Potter! I hate Potter! I wouldn't date you even if you were the last guy on the planet! I hate Potter! I wish you would fall off of the face of the earth! I hate Potter! Your mother should have strangled you when you were born! I hate Potter!" Lily ranted at the top of her voice.

"Why don't you love me?" cried James in anguish. "I've tried everything to make you see me for who I really am; a nice guy! I love you Lily!"

"I hate you Potter! I hate Potter!" Lily screamed. "Now get into breakfast before I'm obliged to use force on you! I hate Potter!"

"But I love you."

"Go! I hate Potter!" she yelled. "Do it before I am forced to strangle you myself. I hate Potter! I would if it wasn't against the rules. I hate Potter!"

"Fine…" James said dejectedly, shuffling into the Great Hall. The other three Marauders tried to follow him unnoticed, but Lily caught them.

"Where do you three think you're going? I hate Potter!" she barked. "Black! I hate Potter! Put on a shirt, pull up your pants, get a regulation approved belt instead of that awful studded thing, get some real shoes instead of those disgustingly dirty and flamboyant trainers, and cut your hair! I hate Potter! Lupin! I hate Potter! Give Black back his shirt, no reading while you're walking, stop bleeding through that bandage on your hand, and remove those scars from everywhere! I hate Potter! Pettigrew! I hate Potter! Clean your shirt, remove those stains from your trousers, lose some weight, shine your shoes and get some real socks not fuzzy ones with bunnies you wimp! I hate Potter!"

"Now, Rema, have we checked in all the students? I hate Potter!" Lily asked, turning to her friend and dorm mate, Rema Antilupus, who had been standing behind Lily, concealed in the shadows.

"Yes, Enforcer," Rema said robotically, checking off the last couple of people on her list.

"Good. I hate Potter! Let's go to breakfast now. I hate Potter!" Lily said, leading her complacent friend into the Hall.

"Yes Enforcer," Rema said again.

Spencer was now really confused. Lily was a bit bossy and sometimes a little overbearing, but never this extreme, and she put James in his place often, but she hadn't done that since the middle of sixth year and she had certainly never been so cruel. Also, Rema, although she was quiet, was not so blindly obedient. Furthermore, Siria, Spencer's other dorm mate, was also not acting like her usual self.

Only seconds after Lily and Rema sat down at the Gryffindor table, all of the plates and dishes were levitated up and then crashed on top of the heads of their owners.

"Siria Ann Hotpranker! I hate Potter! I know that you did this! I hate Potter!" shouted Lily as she surveyed the damage around her. "You may be my best friend but I am still going to give you a month of detentions! I hate Potter!"

"Oh lighten up Lily," said Siria as she laughed loudly. "Carpe diem! Life is all about having fun! A.k.a. snogging cute boys, meet me in five minutes Dave!, and pulling pranks, such as this morning's masterpiece."

"Siria, grow up! I hate Potter! This pranking thing has to stop! I hate Potter! Also, stop drooling over David Parker! I hate Potter! Parker sounds like Potter! I hate Potter! Anyways, boys are bad for you! I hate Potter! Stay away from them! I hate Potter!" Lily told her friend forcefully.

Siria just rolled her eyes and turned all of her attention to shoveling food into her mouth and drooling over her fling of the week, David Parker.

Halfway through breakfast, Professor Dumbledore stood up, and silence fell, mostly due to the sight of his brightly colored, rainbow robes.

"Good morning students!" he said cheerfully. "I have wonderful news! There will be a dance in exactly one week. Now, I know Hogwarts hasn't had a dance in… ever, but I decided that a dance would be perfect to promote inter-house unity. Oh, one more thing; it is a masquerade ball, and all students will be allowed into Hogsmeade tomorrow and Thursday to find costumes and masks. Enjoy your breakfasts!"

"But Professor! I hate Potter!" yelled Lily angrily. "There isn't anything in the rule book about dances, the preparation for dances, behavior at dances, etcetera etcetera! I hate Potter! How am I supposed to uphold the law if there aren't any laws to uphold? I hate Potter!"

"Well Miss Evans," began the Headmaster.

"I prefer to be called the Enforcer," interrupted Lily. "I hate Potter!"

"Of course," said Dumbledore smiling benignly.

"Excuse me? Professor Dumbledore? Could you possibly tone down that twinkle in your eye? I'm going blind," requested a young Gryffindor who had naively sat too close to the twinkly Headmaster. The other students just shook their heads and readjusted their sunglasses.

Dumbledore thought of something sad, like a lemondrop-less world, and the twinkle diminished enough for the Gryffindor to be able to see. Then he addressed Lily, "Well the Enforcer, you can just make up the rules then. Please be sure to write them down so that we have them in case I ever spontaneously decide to hold a ball again. You know, I do love the drama and you teenagers just don't have enough drama in your lives right now to satisfy my needs."

"Alright everybody, time for class. I hate Potter!" Lily commanded. "You know the drill. I hate Potter! Stand up and form two lines, one boys one girls. I hate Potter!"

Not wanting the detention she was sure she would get if she didn't follow Lily's orders, Spencer quickly sprung up from the table and got in line with the rest of the Gryffindor girls.

Once the lines were formed, Lily continued, "Gryffindors, file out! I hate Potter! Ravenclaw, next! I hate Potter! Hufflepuff, follow Ravenclaw. I hate Potter! Slytherins, you're last, don't be late! I hate Potter!"

The seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins, while glaring at each other, headed down into the dungeons together for double potions with Professor Hornslug. Professor Hornslug was a tall, skinny woman who favored only Slytherins, and was despised by all other houses.