A/N: No copyright infringement intended – characters belong solely to Stephenie Meyer. (I'm just playing with them.)
ATTENTION READERS! I've done a major (in my opinion) overhaul of this story (i.e. changing, adding, and out-right cutting of parts). I've merged some chapters to make them a more reasonable length, and hopefully gotten rid of some of those annoying cliff-hangers (although certainly not all of them...) - I hope you like what I've done with it! Fingers crossed that I'll be able to actually update with COMPLETELY NEW STUFF, but in the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts, both old and new!
Happy reading!
Chapter 1 - Because I Woke Up
(Starts on page 100 of Breaking Dawn - direct quotation used in places)
About a week or so after we'd gotten to the island, I decided to try compromise. It had worked for us in the past.
I was sleeping in the blue room now. The cleaning crew wasn't due until the next day, and so the white room still had a snowy blanket of down. The blue room was smaller, the bed more reasonably proportioned. The walls were dark, paneled in teak, and the fittings were all luxurious blue silk.
I'd taken to wearing some of Alice's lingerie collection to sleep in at night – which weren't so revealing compared to the scanty bikinis she'd packed for me when it came right down to it. I wondered if she'd had a vision of why I would want such things, and then shuddered, embarrassed by that thought.
I'd started out slow with innocent ivory satins, worried that revealing more of my skin would be the opposite of helpful, but ready to try anything. Edward seemed to notice nothing, as if I were wearing the same ratty old sweats I wore at home.
The bruises were much better now – yellowing in some places and disappearing altogether in others – so tonight I pulled out one of the scarier pieces as I got ready in the paneled bathroom. It was black, lacy, and embarrassing to look at even when it wasn't on. I was careful not to look in the mirror before I went back to the bedroom. I didn't want to lose my nerve.
I had the satisfaction of watching his eyes pop open wide for just a second before he controlled his expression.
"What do you think?" I asked, pirouetting so that he could see every angle.
He cleared his throat. "You look beautiful. You always do."
"Thanks," I said a bit sourly.
"I was too tired to resist climbing quickly into the soft bed. He put his arms around me and pulled me against his chest, but this was routine – it was too hot to sleep without his cool body close.
"I'll make you a deal," I said sleepily.
"I will not make any deals with you," he answered.
"You haven't even heard what I'm offering."
"It doesn't matter."
I sighed. "Dang it. And I really wanted. . . Oh well."
He rolled his eyes.
I closed mine and let the bait sit there. I yawned.
It took only a minute – not long enough for me to zonk out.
"All right. What is it you want?"
I gritted my teeth for a second, fighting a smile. If there was one thing he couldn't resist, it was the opportunity to give me something.
"Well, I was thinking. . . I know that the whole Dartmouth thing was just supposed to be a cover story, but honestly, one semester of college probably wouldn't kill me," I said, echoing his words from long ago when he'd tried to persuade me to put off becoming a vampire. "Charlie would get a thrill out of Dartmouth stories, I bet. Sure, it might be embarrassing if I can't keep up with all the brainiacs. Still. . . eighteen, nineteen. It's not really such a big difference. It's not like I'm going to get crow's feet in the next year."
He was silent for a long moment. Then, in a low voice, he said, "You would wait. You would stay human."
I held my tongue, letting the offer sink in.
"Why are you doing this to me?" he said through his teeth, his tone suddenly angry. "Isn't it hard enough without all of this?" He grabbed a handful of lace that was ruffled on my thigh. For a moment, I though he was going to rip it from the seam. Then his hand relaxed. "It doesn't matter. I won't make any deals with you."
"I want to go to college."
"No, you don't. And there's nothing that is worth risking your life again. That's worth hurting you."
"But I do want to go. Well, it's not college as much as it's that I want – I want to be human a little wile longer."
He closed his eyes and exhaled though his nose. "You are making me insane, Bella. Haven't we had this argument a million times, you always begging to be a vampire without delay?"
"Yes, but . . . well, I have a reason to be human that I didn't have before."
"What's that?"
"Guess," I said, and I dragged myself off the pillows to kiss him.
He kissed me back, but not in a way that made me think I was winning. It was more like he was being careful not to hurt my feelings; he was completely, maddeningly in control of himself. Gently, he pulled me away after a moment and cradled me against his chest.
"You are so human, Bella. Ruled by your hormones." He chuckled.
"That's the whole point, Edward. I like this part of being human. I don't want to give it up yet. I don't want to wait through years of being a blood-crazed newborn for some part of this to come back to me."
I yawned, and he smiled.
"You're tired. Sleep, love." He started humming the lullaby he'd composed for me when we'd first met.
"So how long do you think we can stay here?" I asked, eyes closed.
"We can stay as long as you want, Bella," he promised me.
"When does the semester start? I wasn't paying attention before."
"We both know you don't really want to go to college, Bella."
"It wasn't a pretense, Edward. I don't spend my free time plotting like some people do, Mr. Let's-Tire-Bella-Out. I really want to go."
He sighed. He may have started humming again, too, but I was under before I could be sure.
Later I awoke in the dark, sighed – I had so wanted the dream to be real. Now I was left with a sense of longing even stronger than I'd had while dreaming. Of course, I had known it wasn't real, but at least in those moments I could pretend. Inevitably, though, awareness seeped in.
I groaned – even though it was only a dream, it had still aroused me, which left me with a throbbing ache and no way to relieve it. My eyes started to water, partly out of sadness, partly frustration, but mostly desperation. Here I was, on my honeymoon, and my husband was refusing to have an actual honeymoon with me – and even after I was changed, I would go through at least a year as a blood-crazed newborn before some part of this desire of mine would come back to me.
"Bella?" Edward whispered, his arms tight around me, shaking me gently. "Are you alright, sweetheart?"
I nodded, afraid that if I spoke he would hear tears in my voice. I couldn't handle being rejected, being pushed away again. Not tonight. My tears slowly spilled over, and although I made no sound and fought to keep my breathing even, eventually they dropped and splashed onto his arms curled around me.
"Bella!" he said – louder, alarmed now. "What's wrong?" He wiped the tears from my hot cheeks with cold, frantic fingers, but others followed.
"It was only a dream." Speaking the words aloud, I could no longer contain my sobs.
"It's okay, love, you're fine. I'm here." He rocked me back and forth, a little too fast to soothe. "Did you have a nightmare? It wasn't real, it wasn't real."
His words broke my heart all over again – it wasn't real.
"Not a nightmare." I shook my head, scrubbing the back of my hand against my cheeks, my eyes. "It was a good dream." My voice broke again.
"Then why are you crying?" he asked, bewildered.
"Because I woke up," I wailed, wrapping my arms around his neck in a chokehold and sobbing into his throat.
He laughed once at my logic, but the sound was tense with concern.
"I so wanted it to be real," I whispered, trying to stop the tears.
"Tell me about it," he urged. "Maybe that will help."
"We were on the beach. . ." I trailed off, pulling back to look with tear-filled eyes at his anxious angel's face, dim in the darkness.
"And?" he finally prompted.
I blinked the last of the tears out of my eyes, torn. To share this with him and be denied yet again... I sighed and got out of the bed.
"Where are you going?" he asked, still worried and confused.
"To put some clothes on."
I opened the drawer that housed some shorts and then searched for a t-shirt. Of course, Alice had only packed some lace camisoles. I grabbed one of each at random and pulled them on, not even bothering to take off the lingerie first.
I silently got back into bed and closed my eyes, pretending not to feel Edward's eyes watching me from across the bed.
"Goodnight," I whispered, and eventually fell into an uneasy sleep.
~chattgirl4
