This . . . is a Legend of Zelda fanfiction.

Oh, it's not just an ordinary Zelda fanfic. It's not the kind that creatively fleshes out previously unexplored areas of the canon. It doesn't ask the deep questions about how events in the story would affect the psyche of the main characters. It in no way leaves you with a warm, fuzzy feeling about the state of humanity and those who help to leave its creative mark on the universe.

It's a fanfiction written by a tweenage girl. It's the kind of fanfiction that contains a literal self-insert Mary Sue, a stereotypical jealous mean girl who loves the author's favorite character, and the nonchalant killing off of one of the most pivotal characters of the original work. It's written by someone who didn't bother to do a lick of real research on the game aside from what she knew from playing Twilight Princess. It's just a few blatant malapropisms away from being a stereotypical badfic.

It's a facepalmingly bad fanfic written by little eleven-to-twelve-year-old me. I'm transcribing it word-for-word (and grammar-mistake-for-grammar-mistake) from a flower-covered, handwritten Journal that I used to read to my best friend. It's not even finished.

Having said that, don't bother to leave any constructive criticism. I know what I did wrong. I know this is bad; that's the entire reason why I'm posting it. It's here to entertain and maybe even teach.

I dealt with some weird stuff in this fanfic, and I'll trigger-warn the chapter that deals with suicide, but if there's anything else you want me to label, I'll label it as soon as I can.

One last thing: if anyone cares enough about this thing to even answer, would anyone like to see an MST version on Tumblr or something with my notes and snark? I would be more than happy to comply.