Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story(Literally, nothing). I'm not even sure I want to claim the way the words are strung together...

A/N: Um...this is what happens when you read Shakespeare and Life With Derek fanfics the same day...


A Midsummer Night's...Derek?!

Derek Venturi stood in front of the house where all his dreams lived and took a deep breath. If everything went right today, Lord Dennis would agree to his suit and Lady Casey McDonald would be his forever. He walked up to the front door and was shown into Lord Dennis's study by the stuffy old butler. Lord Dennis, Casey, a young man, and Duke George were in there, Casey the only one sitting. Derek took one look at her face and knew the news wasn't good. Her cheeks were streaked with tears and she refused to meet his eyes.

Lord Dennis smiled maliciously at Derek before turning back to the Duke. "Your Grace, as I have said previously, my daughter has been betrothed to Lord Sam Kennedy for her sixteen years. Although she may believe she has feelings for young Derek, the betrothal is a legally binding agreement and should be honored."

Before the Duke could say a word, Casey broke in. "I didn't agree to this betrothal! How could I, given that I was three months old! Why should I have to honor my father's agreement?" Shooting a deadly glare at her father, she mumbled, "If he's so in love with the Jackson family, he can marry one of them!" Her father looked at her in disapproval, while the Duke looked relatively shocked.

Derek decided that now was as good a time to speak up as any. "Your Grace, I have come today to ask for Lady Casey's hand in marriage. I love her passionately, You Grace!"

Lord Sam looked in disgust at the commoner before turning to the Duke and declaring his passionate love for Lady Casey as well. Casey just sat looking repulsed. Derek knew she hated having her life organized by others without any regard to her opinion.

Duke George looked at the occupants in the room with slight annoyance. He didn't want to be here right now. The only place he really wanted to be was curled up with his new bride, but that couldn't happen until the wedding ceremony that was to take place in a week. "Because of the previous legal agreement, the right of marriage belongs to Lord Sam Jackson." After his declaration, the Duke stood up and rubbed his hands together. "Lord Dennis, my carriage please!" Casey indignantly stood up, threw a look of utter hate at the Duke and flounced out of the room, completely silenced by the announcement. Lord Sam and Lord Dennis started talking together about bridal agreements and payments. Derek stood there in the middle of the room, feeling as though his heart had been ripped from his chest.

That Afternoon

Derek waited impatiently in the gazebo for Casey. He had spent all morning devising a plan to escape the plan fate had for them and he thought he had finally figured it out. His Aunt lived on the other side of the forest that was the boundary of the Duke's power. If he and Casey could escape tonight through the forest to his Aunt's they could get married and no one would be able to do anything about it. He just hoped Casey would agree.

Casey came running up to him, slightly out of breath. Trailing behind her was Casey's best friend and lady's maid, Emily Cassidy. "Oh, Derek," Casey cried, throwing herself into his arms and sobbing. "How can we fix this? I can't live without you!"

Derek patted her on the back. "Shh, it's ok. I figured out a way for us to be together!" He outlined his plan and by the end, Casey had stars shining in her eyes. "So will you go with me?"

"Of course I will! I'll meet you here tonight," Casey whispered breathlessly, before kissing Derek.

Unbeknownst to the two lovers, Emily had heard every word. While the couple was embracing, she slipped off to find Lord Sam and tell him. It wasn't because she wanted to separate her best friend from her love, but she wanted Lord Sam to realize that Casey didn't want to marry him. Maybe then, he would turn his attention to the one who loved him more than anything…Emily.

That Evening, The Fairy Grove

Queen Lizzie of the fairies alighted onto the forest floor, her court coming to rest around her. "Where is my husband, who commanded me to appear before him?"

King Edwin of the fairies appeared next to her. "What are you doing here, my Queen? I banished you and your court until you repent and give me what I want. Have you come to do so?"

Queen Lizzie looked disdainfully down her nose at King Edwin. "Of course not. We have come to attend the wedding of Duke George and the soon-to-be Duchess Nora."

King Edwin's face grew stormy. "I want your GameBoy! Until I get it, you are to leave this grove!"

Queen Lizzie leaned in close and whispered maliciously, "Never! The GameBoy is mine, and you'll soon find out that I don't obey commands given by you!" She turned and strutted away, head held high. As her fairy court began to follow, Queen Lizzie threw back over her shoulder, "You'll come back to me, Edwin, and then I shall have both you and the GameBoy!" And then she was gone.

King Edwin seethed for a few minutes before a devious look began to transform his features. "Smarti, fairy! I have need of you," he called softly.

In a second a purple fairy appeared and announced, "I'm a purple fairy/Born to make folks wary/what mischief can I do my king/fluttering about upon the wing?" She looked expectantly at the Fairy King.

"I want you to find the flower that has the juice of love within its petals. Bring me a handful, for I wish to teach my Queen a lesson."

"Your very wish is my command/And only one small thing will I demand/let me this night some mischief make/for this midsummer boredom to break."

"Very well. Now away with you, Smarti."

Relatively Far Away From The Fairy Grove

Derek and Casey stopped at a clearing in the trees with some rock outcropping that looked as though they would provide some shelter for the night.

"There, sweetheart. Let us rest there for the night, before we continue on to my Aunt's house." Derek took Casey by the hand and led her to the rocks, throwing his coat down before helping her to sit and then sitting next to her. Derek slung his arm around Casey's shoulders and she leaned her head into his shoulder as they both leaned back against the rock face. They sat like that, peacefully for a few moments before Derek turned to face Casey.

"Darling, I think tonight would be a wonderful night for us to consummate our love."

Casey stared at him as though not comprehending the words that had exited his mouth. "What…what do you mean?"

"Well, I think that, tonight, beneath the stars, we should, tiptoe through each other's tulips, if you will."

Now Casey looked utterly confused.

"Um…bake each other's bread…write each other's sonnets…take our relationship beyond the metaphysical to the physical realm…"

Suddenly, understanding flashed in Casey's eyes. Just as suddenly, she shoved Derek's arm off her shoulders and jumped up, shrieking. "Derek Venturi! Never in my entire life have I been so insulted! Consummate our love…what an idea! Not until after the wedding, mister! No way! And you can just take your…ideas and your…hands over there," pointing to a spot across the clearing, "for tonight! Honestly!" she huffed indignantly. "I thought our relationship meant more to you than…than just… that!"

Derek began to backpedal furiously as Casey started the whimpers that usually meant a long cry was about to ensue. "No, no Casey! You totally misunderstood me! I…I just thought that it would…it would…" Derek stalled for a moment as he tried to come up with something. "That it would be a fabulous way of saving you from being forced to marry Lord Sam even if they catch up to us. You wouldn't be a virgin anymore, after all." Derek smiled triumphantly.

Casey stopped whimpering and looked suspiciously at Derek. "Yes…well, that could have been a…good…idea, but it isn't going to happen! And you are still sleeping over there!" With that she turned her back to Derek and lay down on his coat.

Muttering to himself about temperamental females, Derek walked over to the other side of the clearing and lay down, shivering. "The least she could have done was give me back my coat," he whispered, glaring at his lover's back.

Not Far Away From The Fairy Grove

Lord Sam stormed into the forest, irritated beyond belief. That his betrothed dared to run away from him, with a commoner none the less, was not to be born. As he stomped farther into the trees, his rage began to grow, as did his irritation with the woman running behind him. Finally, his annoyance exploded and he turned to Emily.

"I have already thanked you for the horrible news you delivered to my door this evening. Is there some reason you persist in following me like a dog?"

Emily looked abashed, but answered anyway. "Lord Sam, I brought you the news of the runaways not so you would chase after them, but so you would understand that Lady Casey abhors you. Maybe if you understood that, you would turn your attention and affections to someone who loves you…someone like, well," she gulped and then continued, "like me."

Sam looked at Emily with an expression of utter distaste on his face. He grabbed her arm and yanked her so that she was face-to-face with him. "Understand this," Sam said, grinding his teeth. "I will never love you. And I will never allow Lady Casey to marry Derek Venturi. She is my betrothed, and she will marry only me." He released Emily's arm and turned to stalk through the trees again. Emily dropped to her knees, tears streaming down her face.

Unbeknownst to both, King Edwin had been watching the scene. "Hmm," he muttered thoughtfully, turning to join his court. "Smarti!" he yelled in a tone that carried around the world to the ears of the purple fairy currently sunning herself on a rock next to the flowers of love. She immediately popped up, grabbed a handful of the flowers, and lightning-quick was back at the side of the Fairy King.

"Here I am, my gracious king/your favorite flowers do I bring./Now I ask, before the end/where my trouble can I spend?"

"Give me one of the flowers. Now first I wish you to find a humble creature and bring it to my Lady's grove, where she can see it and fall in love. Then, search out a lad and lass in Athenian garb, and rub the juice of the flower onto the lad's eyes where he will first look upon the lass. After that, return to me."

"Consider it done/A night of fun/so off I go/to create some woe." And off she flew, giggling.

Relatively Far Away From The Fairy Grove

Smarti snuck up on two young lovers quarreling. She watched as the woman indignantly directed the young man to his sleeping place, across the clearing, and then turned her back and lay down, falling asleep. She watched as the young man walked across the clearing and lay down, falling asleep while still staring daggers at the young woman. Both were wearing Athenian garb.

She flew over to the young man, singing as she went. "Two young lovers went a-runnin'/the young man awed and the woman stunnin'/in a grove the two did fight/now Smarti must set things aright!" She rubbed the flower juice on the young man's eyes, making sure that when he awoke, it would be the young woman he set his eyes on. And then she flew off to find a hideous creature so the Fairy Queen could fall in love, giggling all the while.

The Queen's Grove

Smarti rubbed her hands together and barely kept herself from laughing evilly. This is what she lived for, pranks like this. She had found a homely young Athenian actor wandering around the forest, apparently drunk, and gave him a…slight makeover before bringing him to the Fairy Queen as instructed. She fluttered down next to the Fairy King.

"My jobs are done/I'm number one/Two lovers will be reconciled/And the Queen's love shall be befouled."

The King looked at her before turning his gaze back to the Queen. "You're losing your touch. That didn't rhyme nearly as well as the rest."

Smarti huffed. "I would like for you to try/without hanging yourself to dry/rhyming your every word/It would be the funniest thing I've ever heard."

King Edwin rolled his eyes. "Where is this creature my Queen is to fall in love with? Is it suitably humbling?"

Smarti cackled. "A man comes along/I didn't do you wrong/The body of a man has he/With the face of a banshee!"

King Edwin smirked. "I will return shortly." He waved a hand over the grove, causing everyone to fall asleep, floated down to the Queen, rubbed the flower juice on her eyelids and then called to Smarti to bring the man into the grove. Still cackling, Smarti brought in the man, and Edwin shuddered at his first look. The man's face was…horribly distorted. His nose was stretched, as were his ears, while his mouth and eyes had shrunk to barely visible slits. His hair was falling out all over the place and his forehead hung over the nonexistent eyes. "Perfect!" Edwin cried, startling the young man.

"I am the most beautiful of all God's creatures," the young man said, completely serious. King Edwin had to restrain his laughter. Smarti just cackled and giggled.

"Yes, and she is the woman you are to…court, tonight," Edwin said, pointing at Queen Lizzie. The young man looked at her and sniffed. "She will do, barely!"

Edwin managed to get out, "You'll need to wake her up" before he had to fly off, laughing. Smarti followed, after making sure that the young man did actually awaken the Queen.

Relatively Far Away From The Fairy Grove

Still sniffling, Emily walked into the clearing, trying to find anyone she knew. She had never told anyone, but she was deathly afraid of the forest at night. There were so many strange creatures roaming about, one never knew when one would stumble upon them.

She caught sight of Derek and breathed an audible sigh of relief. So distracted by her terror, she didn't bother to glance around and see Casey sleeping at the other edge of the clearing. "Derek, oh Derek, please wake up!" She shook him and Derek's eyes slowly opened, blinking a few times before he did the strangest thing.

Jumping up, he grabbed Emily's hand and fell back to his knees. "O my beautiful darling, my beloved! What a sight thy face is to mine eyes!" (King Edwin forgot to mention that a side effect of the flower juice was that it made the one affected speak in old English – rather a scary thought, actually.)

Emily pushed him away. "What in the world are you doing? Where's Casey?" She looked frantically around, hoping to find her friend and stop whatever madness had seized Derek while he slept.

"Casey, Casey who? You are mine only love, the beauty of mine heart! Let us run away together, beloved! We shall run through fields of flowers where none shall part us!" Emily began to back away in terror.

"S-something's happened to you, Derek! Don't you remember Casey, the woman you were running away with? What about her?"

"Bah!" Derek spat upon the ground. "None could compare to thee, not even a summer day! Thou art more lovely and more temperate…" Emily didn't hear any more as she turned and fled from the clearing.

Not Far Away From The Fairy Grove

As King Edwin flew over the forest with Smarti following closely behind, he glanced down and saw a curious sight. The young man he had instructed Smarti to apply the flower juice to was still storming through the forest, apparently still looking for his unrequited love.

King Edwin frowned and descended to just beyond the sight of the mortal. "I thought you said you had done all the jobs I asked of you, Smarti." Smarti looked at him questioningly.

"That young man," he said, pointing to Lord Sam, "doesn't appear to have fallen in love with the young Athenian woman that he was supposed to…"

Smarti looked confused, and then understanding flooded her gaze. "Two pairs of lovers in the forest tonight/Both pairs within the midst of a terrible plight/the other pair is the one I fixed/the male's sight firmly to be transfixed."

King Edwin silenced her as he heard the rustling of bushes and leaves and Emily ran out of the trees and straight into Lord Sam. "L-lord Sam…" she faltered.

Lord Sam growled. "What are you doing here? I thought I told you to go home."

Emily looked confused to the point of tears. "I don't know what's going on…"

At that moment, King Edwin decided it was the perfect time to enact his plan. He waved his hand at the two, and they instantly fell to the ground, sound asleep. Smarti floated down to them, applied the juice, positioned their heads so Sam would be staring directly at Emily when he woke up, and flew back to Edwin. He waved his arm again, and the two sat up, blinking.

"What's going on," Emily whispered, frightened and confused. And then Sam confused her even more.

"My Muse, my beauty, how long I have waited for thee to turn thine eyes on me. Let me kiss thee with the kisses of my mouth." Sam grabbed Emily by the waist and placed his lips on her, and what occurred next was a scene directly out of a hideously-enacted melodrama.

A hand pulled Sam away and slapped him with a glove. "How dare thee! This beauty is all mine!" Derek's enraged face came into Sam's vision, and Sam felt his rage boil over.

"How dare thee! This woman, this vision of grace, belongs only in my arms!" He drew his sword and challenged Derek. Derek drew his sword and the fight was on.

"My love, o, my love," Derek panted as he fought Sam. "Sweet beauty, it hath a name, and thy name is Emily!" Sam, enraged, pushed Derek so he tripped over a log, but then made the mistake of turning to Emily.

"Thine eyes I love, glorious pools of deep brown…" Sam was interrupted by Derek jumping on him and pushing him to the ground. Both men apparently forgot they had swords, as they began wrestling in the mud.

At this point Emily had decided all of it must be a joke they were playing on her. Her conclusion was verified by the appearance of Casey, who shrieked at Derek to stop fighting. He merely looked at her with a blank look and went right back to pummeling Sam.

"Emily!" Casey said, running up to her. "What in the world is going on? I woke up and found myself alone…why is Derek beating up Lord Sam?"

Emily looked at her in disdain as both of the men tried to spout some more nonsense to her. Casey looked shocked at Derek's declaration of Emily's beauty, but before she could say a word, Emily cried, "You think this is hilarious, don't you! Did the three of you plan this…this travesty against love? I thought you were my friend, Casey!"

Casey looked at her in utter confusion. "Why is Derek saying he loves you, Emily? And what joke are you talking about? What did you do? Did you have to mess this up?"

Emily sneered. "I messed this up! You got those two lovesick fools, lovesick over you, I might add, to act as though they had any interest in me, ridiculing my feelings!" She turned around and started to walk off, but the two men pushed and shoved each other, trying to follow her. Casey tried to get Derek's attention, but he looked at her, sneered, and ran after Emily. Casey fell to the ground weeping.

Smarti watched all this with an interested eye. "Perhaps a good idea, my King/to bring a stop to this thing/would be send them all to sleep/and fix it so the mortals won't weep."

King Edwin nodded solemnly. "While it was entertaining, we do need to fix it. Smarti, I will bring up a mist and get them lost in it. When they fall asleep, it will be near the one they are supposed to fall in love with. All you must do is to make sure the effects are removed from the one youth, Derek." Smarti nodded and grinned. King Edwin waved his arm and a heavy mist began to fall around the forest. "Now I go to see my Queen, and what the night's game has done with her." And with that, he flew off toward the Fairy Queen's Grove.

The Queen's Grove

When King Edwin arrived, he found Queen Lizzie curled up next to the Banshee man, twirling what little hair he had left around a finger and cooing. The sight of his beautiful Queen next to such a hideous creature almost made Edwin throw up.

"Queen Lizzie," his voice boomed into the Grove. "Are you ready to release the GameBoy into my possession?" Lizzie took a cursory glance away from her man and waved her hand lazily.

"You may have it, King Edwin. I have no use for such trinkets with Jamie here!" She giggled lustily into his ear. Edwin felt his blood pressure spiking. A young fairy brought him the GameBoy, and Edwin immediately removed the spell from Queen Lizzie.

As Lizzie blinked and stared at the…thing next to her, and her brain began to register what she was stroking, she jumped up and shrieked. "EDWIN! You're dead!" Edwin smiled, and then flew off as fast as he could, knowing his wife could catch up to him quickly given half a chance.

The Next Morning

Derek woke up snuggled next to a warm body. He sighed and clutched the woman's body closer, not wanting to move from the comfortable position. Unfortunately, the bliss was not to last.

"Oh, my, goodness!! What…is…this?" A shriek from above them woke both Casey and Derek, and they sat up instantly. Next to them, Sam and Emily sat up as well, equally as entwined and equally as unclothed. Both couples were heedless of their nudity until it registered who was shrieking at them, and who was staring at them.

On her horse above the couples, Nora felt herself go faint. Next to her, Lord Dennis and the Duke both wore expressions of equal disbelief.

"What the HELL is going on here?" Lord Dennis roared out, making his daughter jump. Derek cleared his throat, about to explain, when Lord Sam spoke up.

"Sir, I respectfully withdraw my suit for your daughter. I have found in recent hours that her hand pales in comparison to this one." He lifted Emily's hand, kissing it and staring into her blushing face.

Lord Dennis huffed and puffed, but before he could speak, Nora spoke up. "Your Grace, if I may?" When Duke George nodded besottedly at her, she continued quietly. "It seems that these four have solved their marital problems without the help of any well-meaning parents or rulers. Thus, I propose that we allow them to continue on the happy path they have found, and have Derek wed Lady Casey and Lord Sam wed Lady Emily."

Lord Dennis's face grew red and he sputtered, trying to come up with words, but before he could, Duke George nodded at his beloved and took her hand. "So shall it be. Ralph," he said, motioning to a young footman, "bring these four clothes and see that they make it back to the palace in time for the wedding ceremony. Come, my dear, let us take our morning ride elsewhere." Duke George and Nora turned their horses and rode off, leaving Lord Dennis wordless. Derek, Casey, Sam, and Emily all kissed their respective lovers, and from the treetops, a giggling purple fairy alighted on the ground just out of their vision.

"If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber'd here/While these visions did appear./And this weak and idle theme,/No more yielding but a dream,/Gentles, do not reprehend:/If you pardon, we will mend./And, as I'm an honest Smarti,/Let us throw you a party/Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,/We will make amends ere long;/Else the Smarti a liar call:/So, good night unto you all./Give me your hands, if we be friends,/And Marti shall restore amends."

Derek sat straight up in a cold sweat. His vision was blurry and his mind was racing. Smarti…and…Edwin…and…Lizzie…and Casey?!?

"DER-EK!" resounded from the bathroom, and Derek looked around at his computer and posters and knew that he had never been so happy to hear Casey's voice as he was at that moment.


A/N: That was...well, I have no words to describe it. If you do, please review. And please remember, if any of it is really weird, it's supposed to be Derek dreaming a Shakespeare play. Some of it naturally has to be weird. The entire situation is weird. And I fully admit that I shamelessly used lines from Shakespeare's sonnets in the "fight" scene between Derek and Sam.