Note: TamwynMochidzuki does not own any of the characters featured in these wonderful little rants. Tamwyn owns only ideas and the various AUs these characters come from. Please review, and please do not flame. Tamwyn thanks You!
The Mindless Rantings of… Harry Potter
Screw the best of times, it was certainly, definitely, and absolutely the worst of times. At least it was for me. In short, my life sucks. Why, you ask? Well, it is because I'm the-boy-who-bloody-well-wouldn't-snuff-it-and-has-far-too-many-hyphens-in-his-god-damn-name-because-of-the-stupid-press. In short, I am Harry Potter.
Anyhoo, my life sucks. My parents were zapped with a green light when I was just one year old, leaving me without parents and them without lives. Then I was placed in the care of my beloved (note the sarcasm here, folks, it is important) aunt and uncle, where I rotted for ten years in a lovely little cupboard, where most folks keep cleaning supplies. And that was all I was too them, a cleaning supply. Ahem. Then I got shipped of to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where the same lovely psychopathic murdering snake faced bastard as before tried to zap me with the same purty green light that zapped dear old mum and dad.
So, I blundered around with little assistance, avoiding death and showers like the plague – honestly, do you ever read about me taking a shower? It isn't often. And my faithful sidekicks, the should-have-been Ravenclaw and the not-very-faithful Weasley followed me all the way. Most of the time.
Now, I must ask, who wants to trade lives with me? If you're hopping up and down like a cricket on crack, hand thrust up in the air and waving violently, and voice going like one of those god-awful birds that just won't shut up, shouting "Me! Me! Me! Me!" I would have to ask you what the hell you're smoking, because I want some.
Anyhoo, you know what I really hate? Manipulations, lemon drops, and door-to-door salesmen. Put them together and who do you get? No, not a very sneaky lemon drop salesman. You get Albus Dumbledore, the esteemed former headmaster. One of the things I hate is obvious about him. Why is he a door to door salesman, you ask? Well, how do you think the Dursleys got me? And how is he manipulative? Think about it, folks. The man practically played out my life like a chess game! Even his death was just another trial to form me into the perfect weapon.
And that is all I am. A weapon.
You know what 'the power the Dark Lord knows not' really is? Love? Hah! Nope. I hated the asshole's guts when I killed him. And surely other mothers died protecting their children, so it couldn't have been mummy's sacrifice.
The power the dark lord knows not is actually quite simple. The simple fact is drum roll please both Fate and Death hate me. Fate makes my life hell on earth, and Death simply refuses to collect my soul.
In fact, it is so bad; I am now the oldest human to ever live. Including Nicholas Flamel. I am more than 1000 years old, and I still haven't died.
Ya know, I think Death is allergic to me…
