Hello! Long time no post for me. It's been a very hard year for me this past year. With the breakdown of my marriage and the recent death of my cat, Patches. I've wanted to write for a long time, having numerous plots and storylines come to me, but I just couldn't be bothered to sit down and write. I had more important things to deal with, like trying to save my marriage before the eventual breakdown of the marriage.

And I know I have had many people asking when No One Is To Blame and Family Vacation are going to be updated, but unfortunately they are on hiatus for now. For No One Is To Blame, I wrote a chapter or two back in 2008 before I got married and left the notebook in Canada when I moved to England to be with my wife, with those chapters in that notebook, but my Mom nor sister could not find that notebook, and I don't want to rewrite them right now, mainly cuz I don't remember exactly what I wrote and I believe they were good chapters and don't want to go a different way or leave anything out as it was sort of a turning point to the story. Maybe I'll reread No One Is To Blame and TRY to remember what I wrote. For Family Vacation, I haven't read that in awhile so I don't remember where I was going with that. But maybe in awhile, once I get back into writing.

This one is going to be part song fic, part story to the song "Closer" by Kings of Leon. I actually started writing a song fic for this song about 2 1/2 years ago. I stayed up all night writing it, but didn't finish it. Went out with my then wife, leaving it on the couch, planning to finish it while my wife slept, but came home and my cat Patches, who was a little kitten at that time, had ate half the page of the MAIN point of the story! I couldn't remember what I wrote, as I was up all night and was tired, so I scrapped it. But this has gone a totally different way. The last one, was basically Sara and Catherine were on the brink of breaking up, and Sara got kidnapped, and going back in time to parts of their marriage which contributed to where they were at that time.

This one though, is going to be in multiple parts, and it's going to get VERY VERY dark. Talks of depression and suicide. If it's hard for you to read, I advise you don't read it.

Anyways, that's all for now. I'm posting up the first chapter, and then going to write the next part now. Hope you enjoy.

chimp1984


"Sara… It's over. The marriage is over. I don't love you anymore." Catherine says to me. The words hitting me like a ton of bricks. I feel my world crashing down around me. 3 years of marriage, flushed down the drain. After a measly mistake! If she loved me, if she ever loved me, why is she giving up? I love her but I'm willing to get help. I'm willing to fight for this marriage. Did I not mean anything to her? Does our marriage not mean anything to her? Does my love not mean anything?

I'm standing there, staring at her, with these questions racing through my mind. And she's staring straight back. I guess trying to guess what is coming next? Begging? Tears? Trying to compromise? Screaming? Yelling? Silence? Questions? But I won't give her the satisfaction of knowing she's ripped my heart out, stomped and spat on it as if it means nothing to her. 3 years of my love and devotion being a joke to her.

"I need to get out of here" I say, numbly.

"Where?"

"Away."

"Where? Please tell me you'll be safe and not do anything"

"So what if I do? You don't love me anymore, so what's it to you?" Yes, I've attemped suicide before, not like she ever believed me.

"I still care. I still want to be friends" she says, eyes starting to fill with tears. I leave the bed and walk into the living room with her following me as I grab my shoes and coat. It IS February, it's cold out there. A few days before Valentine's Day, but whatever. This is why I hate Valentine's Day!

"Sara, please tell me where you're going…"

"Out!" I turn to her, anger in my eyes "I'm not your problem anymore, so just fuck off!"

"You don't have to leave. I can go into work early…"

"I want to. I can't be in this house with you!" I grab my phone, my wallet and my house keys. Wait, not mine anymore… Don't want to think about that right now.

"How long will you be?"

"Don't know"

"Will you be back before I leave for work?"

"Don't know. Probably not" and I walk out the door.

I walk to the end of the driveway trying to figure out which way to go. I look in my wallet, and fuck! No cash in there. I need to go to the bank to get some cash out. I guess I can turn right, go to the ATM up the road, and then the store across the road from the bank to get some cigarettes. I NEED them. I start walking, and I'm searching my pockets for my headphones to listen to my music whilst I'm walking to clear my head. But I can't find them. I stop and empty out my pockets. I fucking forgot them, didn't I? I don't want to go back into the house.

"4got headphones. Going up road 2 get cash. Can u find 'em and meet me outside in abt 5mins? Don't want to come in" I send the text to Catherine. Vague. No emotion. Don't want to let her know how I'm feeling. She's done this before, and I thought it was the last time, but how fucking wrong was I?

I draw some cash out and go to cross the road only to find the shop is closed down! Fucking economic crisis, making all the small businesses go under, so we have to go further or spend more money on things that we could've got from them! That's what most of the homicides are about at work now, people killing people because they have no job, they've lost their business, their house, and they fear they're going to lose their family too. They don't want that, so they kill their family and themselves. Or they go to their company and kill their old boss for making them like this. Or sometimes some are just so on edge, they snap and kill random people.

I guess I'll have to go to the gas station up past the house and have to walk back to go where I wanna go. Not my day. But eh, more time out of the house and away from Catherine.

On the way to the gas station, I pass the house and walk up the steps waiting at the door, I send her a text. "I'm here" She comes out and hands me the headphones. I don't want to look at her. But I glance up "Thanks. See ya later" It looks like she's been crying. Then she leans down and gives me a lingering peck on the lips. And the tears fall from her eyes. What the fuck? You're not allowed to cry! This was YOUR decision, not mine! Your decision to end our marriage, your decision to break my heart and leave me! Not MINE! You're not allowed to cry, bitch! I don't kiss back. I just stand there. Feeling numb, wondering why SHE'S crying!

She pulls away and says "I'm sorry" I just stare at her, questioning why she's sorry. It was HER decision. If she was sorry, why was she doing this to me?

"Bye" I reply, turning around and walking down the steps leaving her staring after me. I turn the corner and lean against the wall to put my headphones in, and blast the music.

I walk up to the gas station and buy what otherwise would've been cheaper cigarettes at the store across the road from the bank. I leave the gas station, walk off the premises and light a cigarette.

Why am I not crying? I love her, she's torn my world apart, shattered me to pieces and the tears have yet to fall. Probably because I'm so used to her saying it's over, I've numbed myself and expected it. I walk towards the Las Vegas Bay. We only live in Henderson, at my pace, it shouldn't take me long. I start walking and I feel like running. I haven't ran, just for the sake of running in awhile, and if I run, I'll get there sooner.

"Stranded in this spooky town,
Stoplights are swayin' and the
phone lines are down.
The floor is crackling cold,
She took my heart, I think she took my soul.
With the moon I run,
Far from the carnage of the fiery sun."

I run to get away from Henderson, I run to get away from Catherine, I run to get away from everything.


The wind is starting to pick up, in this otherwise stranded hick-like desert town, but I run faster, against the wind. I can feel the cold of the Las Vegas Desert February air against my cheeks, slowly numbing them from the cold. Which is fine by me. I don't want to feel.


The wind is making it harder to run, the wind gusts against me is actually stopping me in my tracks and I feel like I'm running but I'm not moving. With the streetlights swaying in the windy night air, I decide to stop by a corner store to get a bottle of water. I'm dehydrated, sweat pouring down me even though it's windy and cold out here. I walk in, panting and go straight for the drinks. I stare at the bottle of Jack Daniel's,I so desperately want a drink to numb everything, but decide against it. I don't want to go back to that dark and lonely place, again. I pick up a bottle of water, instead. I thank the man behind the counter and walk out being hit by the gusts of wind and the cold nippy air. I hear a crash and crackle and I look to my left to see a telephone line being blown down from the wind and the sparks fly when it hits the ground. I should call it in, but I don't give a fuck right now. I don't give a fuck about anything. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and I pull it out

"Hope ur ok. Winds picking up. Be safe"

Whatever. Like you give a fuck. I gulp the bottle of water down and start running again.


I reach the beach at Las Vegas Bay, it's a clear night, windy and cold, but clear. I pull my coat closer to my body to stop the chills. I shade my eyes from the blowing sand.

I sit down, pulling the hood up on my coat to stop the sand blowing into my eyes and stare out across the bay, wondering how we got to where we are now, why she's ending the marriage, throwing it away like a piece of shit on the bottom of her shoe. That's when the tears fall. It's over. My love and devotion to her, meaningless. I lay back on the cold sand and stare up at the stars and moon letting the tears fall, hard and fast. I feel my heart breaking now.

She took my heart and she took my soul. I gave it to her 3 years ago, and she took it and ruined it. Tainted my heart. I doubt I will be able to put back the pieces. My soul, innocent when it came to my love for Catherine, willing to do anything for her to make her happy, tainted now too. Will I ever be the same again?

I sit up, tears still streaming down my face

"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!" I scream to the skies and I punch the nearest tree as hard as I can to feel the pain I'm feeling inside my chest.

I run towards the water, and stop short remembering my phone and everything in my pockets, so I empty them before running into the painfully cold water. It's so cold, it hurts. Like knives stabbing me. So cold I can't breathe. The pain is a welcome relief to the emotional pain I'm feeling inside my chest. I know I can get sick from this, but I really don't care. I need physical pain! Even though it's not really knives stabbing at me, it's physical for me. After being in the water for 15 minutes, crying and swearing up at that skies for being a fuck up and a failure, I walk out and lay back against the tree where I left my stuff. As I sit down, I feel the ground vibrate, I figure it's my phone, so I pick it up. I was right.

"Sara? R u ok? U haven't replied back. Let me no ur ok" GOD! Why do you even care? YOU broke up with ME!

"I'm fine. Back off!" I reply.

Then I look at the time, Catherine is leaving for work in a few hours, do I want to go back and face her? It is quite cold out here and I need to dry off before I catch pneumonia. Guess I'll go back. So one last look across the bay, I turn and run towards what was my home in Henderson in my cold, soaking wet clothes.


I slow down as I come up to the house, and I walk at a slow pace towards the house. I sit down on the steps outside to have a smoke, wondering if Catherine has left for work yet or not. Guess I'll find out when I get in.

I finish my smoke and I walk in, shivering.

She's in the bedroom, getting ready for work. I walk out to leave her in peace. Plus I'm not ready to be in the same room as her for fear of breaking down and begging for another chance.

I walk into the laundry room putting a clean towel and robe into the dryer to dry myself and warm myself up.

Catherine walks into the living room as I walk out in my now toasty warm robe and towel, drying my hair. I sit down on the couch and watch her walk around the room making sure she has everything. Then she glances up;

"Why are you wet?"

"Went for a swim"

"In this weather? Where?"

"The bay. And I don't care."

She sighs and finishes packing her bag for work then turns to me;

"Did you get smokes?"

"Yes"

"Can I have one? I know you understand why I need one. Just don't tell anyone" she shyly smirks.

"Fine" I give her one, not able to say 'No' at that smirk and we go out back to have our smokes before she leaves for work.

We're both silent. I don't know what to say. I want to beg for her back. But I know it's useless. She turns to leave, and I give her a hug, I don't want to let her go. She feels so good in my arms. I feel the tears forming, so I pull away and I tell her to be safe at work, and she walks down the stairs and gets into her SUV. She pulls out onto the road and I watch her go into the night, then I walk in and close the door.

The tears fall and I slide down the door, curling my knees up to my chest, crying for her, crying for me, crying for us. I cry for hours, begging to whoever is listening to bring her back to me.