A/N: The basic premise of this collection is one dialogue-only piece based on Jack's notes on the events of each episode from 'The Torchwood Archives' book. You won't need to have read the book to understand, as I'll state the line the piece is based on at the top of each- though that does mean there are teensy, relatively unimportant spoilers for the book. Also means a mix of genres, but seems to be mainly humour. And to make things easier, two characters to each part. Okay, sorry if that explanation was a bit long and boring!

Disclaimer: Just borrowing. Do not own.

…*…

'Hinges on pterodactyl cage failed again, will need to be welded properly this time- i.e. not by Ianto and Owen.'- Captain Jack Harkness, The Torchwood Archives.

.

'Ianto?'

'Owen.'

'Do you know how to work a blowtorch?'

'Oh.'

'What?'

'I was kind of hoping that you knew.'

'So that's a no then?'

'Nope.'

'Wait- nope "that's a no", or nope "I don't know how to work a blowtorch"?'

'Second one.'

'Brilliant… I'm a qualified doctor, what makes you think I'd know how to use the blowtorch?'

'Dunno. But Jack asked you to help me fix this, so I thought you might know something.'

'Only person I've seen with a blowtorch round here is Suzie.'

'Maybe we should ask for her help.'

'No way, mate.'

'Why not?'

'Because… I-uh… Does it matter?'

'Jealous that Suzie can work a tool better than you?'

'…'

'…'

'Is that supposed to be a euphemism?'

'…'

'Don't raise your eyebrows at me, coffee boy.'

'…'

'And don't sigh like I'm some sort of dumb kid either!'

'Shall we just get on with this?'

'But we still don't know what we're doing.'

'Trial and error.'

'Right, so…'

'Should probably put these safety masks on first.'

'Cos we wouldn't want to burn our faces off.'

'No.'

'Done. Now…?'

'I'm gonna try pressing this, see what happens.'

'Rather you than me mate.'

'…'

'HOLY SH- IANTO!'

'Sorry, couldn't hear you over the noise of the flame.'

'You almost fucking ignited me!'

'Oh… Did I?'

'Yes… And, bloody hell, I think you spooked the leather bird too.'

'Myfanwy.'

'Bless you.'

'No, Myfanwy. That's what I call her- the pterodactyl, I mean.'

'What makes you think it's a girl?'

'Well, she really likes chocolate.'

'… That makes sense.'

'I thought so. Now, hold the gate up so I can try and weld the hinges back on.'

'This is bull. I'm a medical professional, why am I helping the bloody butler fix the door of a pterodactyl's cage?'

'I could always ask Suzie. She might actually be helpful.'

'Nah, She's busy with that Glove thing we dredged up anyway. She's a bit obsessed actually. As a doctor I find that worrying… and just a bit creepy.'

'Yep.'

'And besides, we're men. Well, I am. We can fix this. Not like I was complaining-,'

'Yes you were.'

'Can it coffee boy.'

'…'

'This is insane.'

'Welcome to Torchwood.'