Saturday 15th October
9:00
You sexy little fools might not know this but I am the most amazingly happy person on this amazing world because I am actually going out with Dave and everyone heard him say 'Are these my basoomas I see before me.' I officially love the amazing Big G up there in the amazing sky.
A few seconds later
And Masimo the luuurve god is no longer here to tempt me, not that I would ever be tempted. Probably. Anyway, he is in the bin in the cake shop of lurve because he went mouldy. Or is that a crappio example?
9:04
I'm going to sleep again now.
12:45
Vati and Mutti have just landed with Libbs. I can hear them parading up the stairs to come see me, what sort of loon would go shopping in the early hours of the morning with a badger clinging to their chin?
12:50
It's a bloody miracle that they've been shopping anyway so maybe I should just be grateful after everything the Lord sacrificed for me last night.
A few seconds later
Hey, why hasn't Dave called me yet? We should be out and having a laugh right now instead of me being cramped up in my room with the elderly loons [and little loon] invading my space and asking me about Dave. Oh crappio I didn't realise how bad this convo could get…
"So, who's this new fancy man that Jas was talking about?" JAS! Why would Mutti be talking to Jas about me and Dave? I am definitely going to withdraw all rations of mini gems.
"I have no idea what on earth you are talking about." I am never going to discuss my private snogs backstage with these people who I happen to live with.
"Don't play silly beggars; we need to know you're safe." Oh dear and also buggeration and also gadzooks! Why and also how can Vati even say that to me?
A few minutes later [in a cupboard]
You are probably wondering A, why I am in a cupboard and B, how I got out of that hideous conversation. Well, it goes a little like this, I simply yelled PANTS [!] then made a mad dash for the stairs whilst they stood and stared like two bum-holeys and a miniature mad loon rolling around on my carpet.
A few seconds later
Blimey O'Neil's trousers, it's warm in here. I'm going run like a loon up the stairs and put my wardrobe over the door so that I can get ready.
1:25
Ouch and trice ouch. I stubbed my toe. This is God getting his own back, isn't it?
1:40
Pant, pant. Red faced loon alert. Pant, pant. I am quite literally running up the big hill holding my skirt so it doesn't ride up and flash my panties [as the Americans wrongly call knickers] to the world, well, street but same thing.
2:05
"Hey, Gee!" Rosie has her fake beard out and is stroking it whilst Jas is wiping her little swollen eyes. She is also very red. Jas, you fools not Rosie, although that is too very believable.
"Jas, why are you so red?" I think this was the wrong thing to ask because she burst into tears the moment I did. And don't all you meanie people call me meanie but I didn't know, did I?
"She… like… I think… maybe… Tom… when… Dave… and… last night… erm… Jas…" I found no sense in that what so ever so I turned to Mabs.
"Please can you translate?"
"Last night when Dave walked you home Jas- OUCH!" Jas just hit Mabs so now I know it has something to do with me and Dave and Tom and Jas.
Blimey O'Reily's trousers will I ever be free?
2:30
Jas has just sat here sobbing until Tom and the rest of the Barmy Army turn up, she just suddenly started laughing at nothing. We sort of had to join in even though I had no idea what was going on.
"I've got something I need to talk to you about when we're on our own…" Jas half-whispered in my ear, everyone nodded and all I could think about after that was a nodding dog farm.
A few minutes later
Dave and Rollo ran over, everyone's really quiet so I say "Can we go to a nodding dog farm one day, Dave?"
Jas had a complete ditherspaz but Dave laughed and sat down next to me with his arm draped over my shoulder. It felt nice but I wanted to know what was going on so I shrugged it off and started my cold-shoulderosity work on him and Jas.
A few seconds later
No one's noticed they're all just staring at me as if I am a Seeing Eye thing. Which I'm not.
"Okay, what is going on?"
"Come on, Dave, you can't have a girlfriend and not tell her that, seriously, mate." Rollo kicks Dave's foot then walks off to the rest of the boys that are staring at us from another tree.
1:41
I'm on my own again. I hate you God. Why would you do this to me? It isn't fair and it is also cruel and meanie. I'm never speaking to anyone ever again; all they do is upset me.
I hate Dave and I especially hate Jas and I hate Tom and I hate Rosie and I hate Mabs and I hate-
A few seconds later
Snogging Dave but this is still the crappiest day of my whole crappy life full of crappy lying people who have crappy lives in this crappy world. I feel like crap and even Dave isn't making me feel any better.
2:00
"Why would Jas do that, Dave?" I whispered against his chest in between the little hiccups you get after you've been crying.
"Because, my sexy little loon, I am Jack le Biscuit and Jas finds me incredibly irresistable, can you not see?" I laughed a little but I didn't find it that funny because I felt very lied to and hurt. Like anyone would if-
"Gee! Gee! I'm sorry! Gee! Oh, come on!" Jas had interupted my train of thoughts, so, my little chums and chumettes, you know what I did? No you don't so I'll tell you. I stood up out of the bush and I puched her really hard in her little stupid nose. It was bleeding everywhere so I ran home though...
