Last night's episode ("There Will Be Blood") was very emotional and intense. My unflappable optimism and steadfast confidence in Jane's fundamental goodness (and all things Jisbon) gives me the hope, that he's actually learnt something from this whole mess. Maybe I'm completely wrong, and maybe I'm totally misreading the events. Only time and the next episodes will show.
Anyway, here's my take on what Jane might've thought at the end of the episode, when we see him walking away from the scene of Lorelei's murder.
This little tag is un-betaed and rather spur-of-the-moment, so please excuse my mistakes and the inconsistent nature of it. In all honesty, it's just a stream-of-consciousness sort of thing, but I thought, I'd share it anyway.
I don't own 'The Mentalist', and only borrow the characters for a while.
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Does He Have It Coming Too?
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For a while he had really thought that she understood.
How could he have been so wrong? He didn't normally make such cardinal mistakes reading people.
He'd thought, that if he stopped manipulating her, gave her the time to figure out the truth for herself, she would hold her end of the bargain. He'd really believed it. Believed that she acknowledged and understood his need for closure, for revenge. That they could work together in a way he couldn't expect Lisbon to work with him. Because even though the Red John case had turned personal for her as well a long time ago, she had yet to stare EVIL in the eye directly. Or rather, his Lisbon didn't have it in her to be touched by evil that way. She was too good a person.
Much better than he was, or Lorelei. They were both tainted, irrevocably tainted by evil. And he'd felt connected to her because of it. He'd thought, he'd truly gained a confidant. Someone to share his revenge with. But she'd just thrown it all in his face. Had only used him.
He'd even helped her find out the truth about her sister. Where her torture had failed, his interrogation techniques had given her the information she'd sought. And then she'd not only refused to divulge the promised name, no, she'd shot the only other lead he had. She'd wanted to have the revenge for herself without giving him the slightest chance to get his own closure.
How stupid he'd been, how utterly idiotic. And Lisbon had warned him. She'd tried to make him see that he was putting his trust on someone, who had allowed herself to be corrupted before. After all, Lorelei had let herself be turned into the tool of a serial killer in her grief over her sister's murder. How could he have ignored that fact so easily? How could he have been so blinded by his obsession that he misread Lorelei's intentions like that? How clueless was he really, whenever anything connected to Red John occurred?
Lisbon had told him so – many, many times. That he lost his cool, his wit, whenever his Nemesis came up. And intellectually he knew it as well. But somehow, rational thought processes just deserted him, where that bastard was concerned.
Even Lorelei herself had actually warned him during their meeting in that house in Orchid Lane. She'd told him that they traveled different paths. But he'd been too stupid, too blinded to accept that. He had firmly believed, they were on the same page, because he'd wanted so very much for it to be true. Wanted to believe that he'd finally after all those years, all the hardship and disappointments found the key that would open the door to Red John.
He had been truly appalled at her ruthlessness when torturing and killing that woman. He'd even reproached her for it. But she'd justified her actions, had said, that Julia got only what she deserved. And it had shocked him.
Yes, Lorelei's nonchalance and coldness had shocked him, because in his mind the only person deserving of such treatment was Red John, who'd to him lost all traces of humanity and was nothing but a monster – his excuse for wanting him dead.
But Lorelei had been willing to treat all her leads to the truth like they were nothing but worthless obstacles. That should have really clued him in. She'd even told him that she knew, her path was not his. But he hadn't been ready to listen. He'd been arrogant enough to think that the connection he felt with her was mutual. He'd trusted her to feel the same way he did.
But in reality, they weren't all that similar. They might have been years ago, but certainly not anymore. She had been willing to turn into a monster herself. Fight fire with fire. Become the very thing she was combating.
He'd tried to warn her. Tried to tell her that she didn't stand a chance. Because when it came to being ruthless and cruel, callous and deadhearted, Red John was lightyears ahead of her. But she'd been just as arrogant and self-righteous as he usually was when it came to that bastard.
In a way, she'd managed to mirror his own behavior towards Lisbon. He'd had two weeks to realize this. Two weeks to come to terms with the fact that Lorelei had shown him very clearly what he would've turned into, if fate hadn't put Lisbon (and the team) in his path. He'd understood that there was a great possibility that he would've become a monster as well. Or maybe, if he was really honest, maybe he already was one. Sometimes he allowed himself a spark of hope that he wasn't. Not entirely at least, because Lisbon hadn't given up on him – yet.
And maybe there was hope for him, because he'd been able to foolishly believe he'd found a kindred spirit in his quest. It might sound stupid, but he held the hope that his ability to open his heart to another person in a similar situation showed that he wasn't all cold and beyond redemption. He'd felt such a sense of tenderness for Lorelei – another wounded soul so much like himself.
It gave him a sliver of hope. But on the other hand, Lisbon had been right after all. His feelings had compromised him and he'd been too stupid, too arrogant, too self-righteous, too caught up in his quest for vengeance to see it.
He'd been so incredibly stubborn and stupid. He hadn't trusted his friend of nine years to read him correctly, to act in his best interest. No, he'd hurt her instead. Horribly. He'd seen it so clearly. More clearly than ever before. The hurt he'd caused had been painted all over Lisbon's face, in her eyes – as well as something else he'd rather not acknowledge, at least not yet.
Lisbon had realized the depths of his entanglement with Lorelei before even he himself had become aware of it. Though he wasn't sure, that Lisbon really understood the nature of his feelings for Lorelei. No, actually he was sure, she didn't understand. That's why his admission had hurt her so much. But he wasn't ready, wasn't able to explain it all to her. Not yet. Because explaining the nature of his feelings for Lorelei would mean to examine and possibly reveal his true feelings for Lisbon as well. And he couldn't go there. That was too dangerous a place to go - yet.
But hurting her had been awful. He hated himself for it. That expression on her face had been haunting him ever since their confrontation. God, how he hated himself for hurting her. He'd never meant to do that. Never. She was the last person he'd ever meant to hurt. And still, she was the one he had been hurting again and again for years. And he really despised himself for it. Considering the pain he caused the woman he lo… liked most in the world, he had to face the possibility that he had already turned into a monster after all. Or maybe the fact that it affected him like that meant he hadn't? He didn't know anymore.
If he'd understood one thing during the last two weeks it was, that he was obviously completely unable to read anything clearly when it came to either Red John, Lorelei, or himself. He was in every sense of the word too close to it all. Another truth Lisbon had been trying to make him realize for years. How could he possibly hope to untangle a web, when he was probably part of or even the cause of just about every knot in it?
Maybe, just maybe he was ready now. Ready to finally let Lisbon help him. Really help him. He wasn't sure. He wasn't even sure she would be willing to do so anymore. Maybe he'd caused too much harm, hurt, and pain already? Maybe he'd irrevocably destroyed their relationship this time? Maybe he'd gone too far? Especially since he hadn't managed to explain himself to her during the last two weeks. Hadn't allowed her to be part of his brooding. Hadn't told her about the true nature of the feelings he'd had for Lorelei, or the fact that they'd been reduced to ashes the second she'd shot Lennon while kissing him goodbye.
He hoped against hope that he could salvage his relationship with Lisbon. He couldn't afford to lose her. She was all that stood between him staying human and him turning into a monster like Lorelei.
Maybe he had managed to convey all that to Lisbon a few minutes ago, when he'd uttered those words about Lorelei to her at the latest Red John crime scene: she had it coming.
Or maybe all he had accomplished was to show his angel of salvation once more, just how cold and heartless he was?
And maybe all Lisbon thought of him now was that he had it coming too…?
Reviews are very welcome. There's so much to be discussed after this episode...
