A new yet crazy idea for the Star Wars universe! Co-written with the amazing Mithostwen (alot of credit goes to her and her awesome writing skills)!!!
Disclaimer: Do you think we own it?
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Chapter 1: "Do or do not, there is no try" - Yoda
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away….
Star Wars
Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.
While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict….
"What are we doing here again?" Jedi master Jolee Bindo asked his Padawan Bastila Shan.
"We," Bastila sighed irritated, "are here to negotiate in an extremely unstable situation vital to maintaining peace in the Republic!"
"Well fine, I was just asking a simple question. No need to snap at an old man such as me," Jolee pouted.
"Yes, there is a need! You're my Jedi Master; you should be reprimanding me for losing my head, not whining about it like a two-year-old!"
"I am not whining! In my old age, I simply forget things….who are you again?" Jolee smiled testing her.
Bastila was too distraught to catch on.
"I can't do this! If I ever learn which member of the Council assigned me to be your Padawan, I swear on my—no, your life he will wake up with my lightsaber through his skull!"
"Now Bastila, that attitude will turn you to the dark side if you're not careful. All I'm doing is teaching you what you need to know, now meditate on what I have said before we have to leave for this damned meeting," Jolee reprimanded his Padawan.
Bastila pursed her lips, throwing him a venomous glare before stalking off. This was just another case of her forgetting how good of a master Jolee really was, not that that was all her fault. He intentionally tested her this way, acting like a complete buffoon for sometimes days at a time, until she finally lost it. Then he would snap back out of it just long enough to drive home another lesson about controlling her temper, and the whole cycle just kept repeating over and over. It was a wonder that she had lasted this long as his apprentice.
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"Bastila, snap out of it, we're ready," Jolee called and Bastila awoke from her meditative state.
"Coming Master," she replied and followed him off the ship.
-On board the exchange ship-
Davik Kang turned away from the viewscreen as the HK-50 droid came in to his room.
"Statement: Sir, the Ambassadors are here,"
"Show them to the room we prepared for them," Davik ordered before turning back to the viewscreen.
The HK-50 droid nodded and left.
"Tobin! Get in here, our 'guests' have arrived!" Davik barked at his second-in-command.
"Falsely Cheerful Greeting: Hello, Ambassadors. I am HK-50 at your service. The masters will be here shortly. Feel free to wait in here." The droid showed them into a room and the Jedi sat down.
"I don't like this," Bastila sighed.
"What? Just because an assassin droid showed us into an empty room? You're much too untrusting Bastila," Jolee stared at the ceiling in thought.
Bastila just stared at Jolee, incredulous.
"Well yes! He was holding an assault rifle, and there was also the fact that he began with 'falsely cheerful greeting'… What do you think this means?"
"First off, of course it had a blaster, it's an assassin droid and second I think this means we should be prepared instead of arguing…I'm just an innocent old man after all."
"Would you stop using that argument? Master Vandar is hundreds of years older than you, and you never see him acting so… so…" Bastila groaned and Jolee gave her a pointed look.
"I tried to put it nicely Bastila, but shut up."
-Back with Davik-
Tobin watched the security cameras with interest, "What are we planning on doing to them Davik?"
"Joyful response: a mass shooting Masters?"
"No HK-50, something much better," Davik smiled, "Fill the ventilation shafts with dioxis."
The droid looked as put-out as it's possible for him to look without facial expressions.
"Resignation: But I so prefer to be present to hear their tortured screams."
"Feel free to join them," Tobin growled at the droid.
With a laugh that was both evil and giddy, HK rushed out, brandishing his assault rifle.
"The organics shall paaaayyyy…" was the last the two men heard of him as he raced away down the hall.
"Why do we put up with that?" Tobin rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"Because he's a useful killer," Davik replied without emotion as he focused on the controls in front of him.
"Now these ambassadors shall die." He pushed a button on the panel and dioxis started to leak into the room our Jedi occupied.
Bastila sniffed.
"Do you smell something? Other than yourself and your lack of proper hygiene I mean."
"I'll get back to that insult later but you're right…" Jolee trailed off before standing up so quickly that you would have sworn he wasn't as old as he looked. "Dioxis!" he hissed and grabbed his lightsaber. Bastila grabbed hers too, only suppressing another remark about the Exchange's hospitality because breathing was lethal.
Bastila hurried to the door and tried opening it but it was sealed tight. Jolee pushed past her and cut through it cleanly with his saber only to have his padawan groan in frustration as they spotted destroyer droids heading their way.
"And I thought this mission was going to be dull!" Jolee smiled.
"I should be overjoyed if that ever happened," Bastila retorted, bringing her lightsaber up into a ready stance.
Davik and Tobin stood nervously in front of a hologram of their master Darth Traya.
"This isn't going to work my Lady," Tobin said not daring to look at the hooded figure before him. "We were unaware the ambassadors were Jedi, we don't have the resources to deal with Jedi Knights,"
"It is me you should be worried about," Traya snapped. "Davik!"
"Yes my lady," the crime lord bowed.
"You should choose your allies more wisely," Traya said, "I never want to see this fool again."
"Yes my lady," Davik glared at Tobin who paled and fled off the bridge.
"This turns of events is unfortunate. We must accelerate our plans, Davik. Begin landing your troops."
"Is that legal my lady?" Davik asked not wanting to jeopardize his 'clean' record to the Republic.
"I will make it legal," Traya said coolly.
"And the Jedi?" Davik said with disgust.
"Kill them; I have no use for them,"
"As you wish my Lady," Davik bowed one last time before the hologram disappeared.
In the docking bay, the captain and the pilot of cruiser that had brought our Jedi here looked up suddenly as a gun turret swung in their direction.
"Captain look!"
"Warn the-" before the Captain could finish, the turret fired; destroying the entire cruiser.
Broken droid parts lay scattered across the ship as our Jedi walked calmly to the Bridge door. The poor HK-50 droid lay sliced clean through against the wall, its head sparking as it stuttered, "Dying Statement: Must K-kill Organi-nics."
Davik and Tobin stood before the door, hearing the commotion outside.
"Close the blast doors!" Tobin yelled nervously. The heavy doors slammed shut and Davik paled as a red dot appeared in the middle of it.
"They're still coming through!"
"Impossible!" Tobin screeched, they had definitely underestimated a Jedi's power.
More destroyer droids came around the corner and Jolee sensed them as he continued cutting the door down.
"Destroyer droids!"
"Offhand, I might say this mission is past the negotiation stage," Bastila said with an irritable sigh. "This is all your fault."
"Oh sure, I created and command the droids, so yes it's my fault!"
Bastila perked up at that.
"Are you giving me an excuse to get you in trouble with the Council?"
"It's called sarcasm, Bastila! Now get rid of those droids!"
"Fine then," Bastila retorted, unwilling to admit she lost. "I'll handle all the real work while you stand there attempting to open the pitiful little door."
Jolee rolled his eyes and pushed more force into his saber. Bastila angled her lightsaber up into a ready stance as the droids assumed their attack positions, taking a deep breath to collect herself. The droids opened fire…
And she watched in confusion as Jolee calmly stepped in front of her, deflecting the hail of blaster bolts right back at the droids. She jumped back, afraid his madly whirling lightsaber was going to impale her.
Less than two seconds later, the destroyers were no more than charred scraps of metal.
Jolee grinned smugly at Bastila before finishing cutting through the blast door.
"What was that you were saying about doing all the real work?"
Bastila grimaced.
"Nothing, Master."
"Come, my foolish Padawan. We have a ship to catch. Maybe down on the planet, we'll be able to figure out what's really going on."
-On Naboo, Queen Talia's Royal Palace-
A hologram of the kindly senator Kreia hovered before Queen Talia's council in the ornate throne room.
"...How could that be true? I have assurances from the Chancellor...his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be the...get...negotiate..."
The hologram sputtered and died away.
"Well that's just maddeningly unhelpful," Captain Trask commented dryly.
"What's happening?" Talia questioned Trask who turned to his sergeant, Batu Rem.
"Check the transmission generators," Trask ordered.
"A malfunction?" Batu shrugged.
"It could be the Federation jamming us. Your Highness," Trask said uncertainly.
"A communications disruption can only mean one thing. Invasion," Batu shuddered.
"Don't jump to conclusions you two," Talia shook her head, "The Federation would not dare got that far."
"The Senate would revoke their trade franchise," Trask nodded, "And they'd be finished."
"We must rely on the powers of negotiation," Talia said calmly and put her hands behind her back.
"Negotiation? We've lost all communications!...and where are the
Chancellors Ambassadors? How can we negotiate? We must prepare to defend
Ourselves!" Batu raved in defense.
"This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army," Trask said gravely.
Talia turned stone-faced to the captain, "I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war."
Meanwhile, three landing craft slowly descended through the cloud cover of the perpetually gray twilight side of the planet. One by one, the Federation warships landed in the eerie swamp.
Bastila's head emerged from the mud of a shallow lake and spotted the ships. She shivered and tried not to think about her situation, she was a Jedi, she could handle a little mud…even if it was unsanitary.
Bastila took several deep breaths, then disappeared again under the muddy swamp.
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We think we'll stop here and let you be the judge of its hilarity.
Please review and tell us if we should continue cuz we're having so much fun writing this and would love to write more. Also tell us if our casting is as perfect as we think it is!
BONUS: Whoever can figure out where Batu Rem is from in the games, gets to pick who will be Jar Jar!!! A hint is, he's from the Sith Lords (the second game).
