AN: This is one of those random things set after season 2 and the daleks and switzerland etc.....Ianto has a few truly Lucid moments. Hope it's worked!
LUCIDITY
Easter 2009:
Well it's been a while........
Sometimes it's hard to breathe. Those moments though fewer are far more intense than I would like. I do not have the language to express how distressing it is to see him die and sit through those moments of waiting.... each time really is an eternity. I cannot breathe when he is dead. When I realised this I also came to accept that he was me, without him I may just as well be a ghost, some wondering ethereal thing without purpose. It took him leaving me to make me see it, not him dying. Perhaps the leaving is actually worse if that is at all possible. I do not know who I am any more.
Ianto Jones, born August 19th 1983, it really is another life time, my rosy childhood. I was so lucky to be loved so intensely that I truly believed that there was no bad in the world. I think Tad was always scared of the day that I'd learn the truth. I liken my childhood years to a form a dementia, half formed memories I can retreat too when the real world becomes too much. It often does these days. Why is the bad so much more omnipresent in my psyche? How is it that the tiniest thing brings my worst fears into sharp relief. It's paralysing some days. It is like the time when I was caring for Lisa in the Hub, the fear of being caught, the fear of her dying anyway, the fear of never being caught but being trapped in limbo with half a person that I could no longer even love. Jack was not the monster, I was and Lisa was. I should have put her down as she lay in that machine at Canary Wharf, it would have been kinder and.... well, you know the rest.
It's strange that I can bare my soul to an inanimate object such as yourself, but I cannot talk to the man who holds my heart in his hands. I cannot tell him how truly afraid I am. That getting up each day makes my gut hurt with dread. I am not afraid for my own sake, you understand. It is the others, the ones I make coffee for, the ones who rarely see me for who I am because I never show them. It's not that I want to hide myself, I just do. It's like I wear a suit like armour, though Jack did tell me that he could gauge my mood according to the colour of my shirt. He says I look best in the dark red, perhaps those are my better days. Grey is never good for a whole number of reasons that I did not understand. I stopped wearing grey when I found out. Tosh liked the red too. When I wear it, I can think fondly of her shy smiles and the light in her eyes. I miss the light. Jack's eyes are so dull these days.
We all carry a well worn look about us.
I am digressing. I do not even know why I started this nonsense; I should be in bed with Jack, relishing the sense of him next to me, watching his sleeping breaths. It is such a rare sight to see him rest so completely, the only other time he looks like that is when he is dead. I think he knows that too.
God where do I even begin?
I have seen some of the most beautiful and extraordinary things. All the crap aside, all the rubbish and pain.... forget it all. There are things out there that are just so inexplicably perfect they have made my heart ache. A music box a couple of weeks back....of course I had to lock it in the archive, but I made a recording of the sounds it made.... alien music.... literally so alien..... it was like it was playing feelings not notes. I sat and listened to it and it made me cry. The recording isn't the same, but I listen anyway because the memory of it was so perfect. Jack, Gwen and I sitting around Tosh's desk and listening and suddenly I had Gwen's hand in mine and Jack's too, they were holding my hands and we just sat there and cried as we listened. I have never felt such purity of feeling before, a brief defining moment. Moments like that make the whole Torchwood thing worth it. I sat at Tosh's graveside yesterday and told her about it. She would have loved it, a piece of tech created to give you happiness to make you have some kind of spiritual revelation. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I am glad of the experience. I count myself lucky to have seen such a thing. I suppose that is how I see Jack. He really will see all of time from this point on. I know he is daunted by the idea of eternity because all he sees is loss and loneliness. I understand that, better than he realises but I also see him, kind've like 'deep thought'. The idea that one being can carry all of history, can help shape it, make it better. I see that potential in him. Maybe it's because I love him, I don't know. I suppose I look up to him in the same way he looks up to The Doctor.
I can see my own path clearly for the first time since I initially joined Torchwood. I know, one day it will kill me, it has taken so much and I was clouded by that for so long, but this isn't about Torchwood anymore, or Lisa or Gwen. It is solely about Jack. He needs to understand his own potential, he needs to forgive himself for surviving when everything else around him fades. I know I can help him begin to understand that. Some days I think I am older than he is, I wish I was. I wish he could be a child for millennia to come, in proportion to how long he will have to live as an adult and old man. Please tell me I am making sense?
One day he's going to read all of this and perhaps that will be when he figures it out.... Jack can be pretty dense sometimes. I love him so much, with no reason or anything else I understand behind it. I just do. He saved me. He saved me and if I can do the same for him..... there is no choice for me is there.
Ianto sighed and closed the leather bound journal, locking it in the draw beneath his computer in his lounge. He leaned back in his chair and stretched languidly before padding back off back to bed to join his sleeping lover.
I'm not certain of the date, sorry. It's been such a shit week. My resolve is crumbling. I always believed that my faith in him would be enough to see me through this, but right now I have never been more doubtful, not of him, but myself.
I was walking across the Plas, it was just such a lovely sunny morning so I decided to walk into work for a change. It's been months since I walked anywhere out of choice, just for the sake of it and it was wonderful. I stopped for a bit to watch the people going about their lives and somehow I found my gaze following a young couple with a small child walking between them. It took me a moment to realise that it was two men, each one had a tiny hand in theirs and they were looking at each other with such intense love that my breath was stolen from me. Family. I know I will never have that with Jack. I just assumed it would never be when I decided to make that commitment to him (though he doesn't know that I have). But there they were, plain as day, two guys with their kid I could see the rings on their fingers and I just felt sick with longing. That's the trouble with being bi sexual, you don't fit in with any category, you're not one thing or the other, but being with Jack even that label is taken away from me. I live for labels, it gives me an anchor, some sort of code I can live by. Right now, whatever book it is, is in tatters. I sound pathetic, even to myself. Suddenly I am having these human yearnings, things I haven't felt before not even when I was with Lisa, we were both career driven, more interested in exotic holidays than babies. I suppose I know deep down if I ever want to have a family I will have to leave Jack..... children would be an impossible burden to him and seeing them die..... I cannot imagine that kind of pain.
So, my faith is shattered. I know the choice is made. I will not change it, but I don't want to be embittered by it either. Maybe Gwen and Rhys will have kids and I can be an Uncle, of sorts.
Ok, that's the rant over with. I know it will come up again. My Mam often asks me if I have met I nice Welsh girl. I tried to explain about Jack, months ago, she doesn't seem to understand that her only son sleeps with his male boss who cannot ever stay dead. Well what I said was 'Jack's a boy, not a girl mam.' And I will stay with him until the day I die, she came back with, 'that's nice dear'. I still can't talk to anyone except you about him, especially now Tosh is gone. There's no one left to tell who I wouldn't have to Retcon after.... actually there's no one to tell. I can't even talk to Gwen; she still carries her own torch for him. I can't blame her; he has that effect on everyone he meets. I'm just glad it never makes me jealous, exasperated sometimes yes, but never jealous. I don't doubt his caring for me even when he sleeps with other people. Gwen did tell him off for that though; said it wasn't fair on me. Truth is I am glad he does sometimes go elsewhere; I don't want him to feel trapped with me. I know how possessive I can get. Gwen says I should have more self respect, personally I think she should keep her gob shut.
I'm sorry.... I realised today, who you are behind these pages. I know it's you Tad. I still miss you so intensely, I know you're there too. I don't think I could confess any of this to anyone else.
"Hey, Ianto! Coffee magic....please!"
Guess I should go and make coffee then. Did I ever tell you how demanding he can be?
Ianto sighed closing the book once again. He locked it in his desk. "Coming right up Jack."
I think I am still in shock; last night has to be one of the worst of my life. Jack died again. I know so he does that a lot Tad; but this was different. We were out chasing another bloody weevil and Jack got careless almost reckless and he ended up with half his guts all over the pavement. I managed to take the weevil down but then I got back to Jack and he was lying in his own entrails gasping for air. I held him with one arm and pushed his guts back inside with my free hand. I never realised just how slippery and warm intestines can be. All the while his eyes were focussed on mine, like he was desperate to see my face as he slipped away from me. I covered him with my coat and held on to him like I always do and still he looked at me with tears running over his cheeks and he kept mouthing the words 'sorry Ianto' whilst he was gasping for air. I could see he really didn't want to go this time even with the pain and the blood. So I just held him and kissed his face and sang to him. Remember that Tad, you always sang to me when I was afraid. I was so afraid then, I thought I would lose him forever this time. It took so long, so long for him to die and his fist was clenched in my shirt and his eyes..... They were so empty.... so dead. I had to close them.
I sat there in the rain on the concrete in this filthy alley with his body in my arms and I waited. Four hours Tad, it took him four hours and it was painful for him, the coming back, he was crying a lot when his body repaired itself. He clung to me so hard I thought he would break my bones. Then he just lay there in my arms watching my face and he was crying all over again. It felt like.... I don't know, like something had changed. I suppose I broke the moment because the stench of the blood and innards and my grief had sat in my throat for all those hours and I turned my head away and heaved up all over the pavement. I thought I was going to pass out. And Jack sat up pulling me into his arms and cradling my head. He kept apologising and kissing my hair like he needed absolution or something. The last time I saw him like that was when Tosh and Owen died. I've no idea how long we were sat there for, but I was cold and we were both wet through and I told him we had to move because it was getting light and we needed to get back to the Hub. We must have looked a right state when we got in because Gwen came running. Jack just gently pushed her away and kept his arms firmly round me. I remember him asking her to go home, and she did, without protest it seems. I was too far gone by then to care. I think I was on the sofa for a while then I remember being in the shower with Jack, nothing like THAT Tad, I don't think it was one of those moments. I recall him drying me and me running my hands over where his guts had spilled out earlier. His body really is amazing, the way it mends itself. It's beautiful too. Next thing I know we are making love on his bunk. Not the usual hard and fast or playful sex either. This was one of those times that gets burnt into your memory forever, every single touch and kiss like fire. I've never had anyone worship me like that before. Then he said something I never expected to hear, the three words Tad, I LOVE YOU. He kept saying it, with every kiss, every fibre of his body and soul and it scared the shit out of me because something has changed. I never expected to be loved back, I could not ask that of him, knowing that he WILL lose me one day. But there it is. He loves me. Perhaps he always did and I was just too self absorbed to see it. I am so scared Tad for his sake. Seeing him die like that hurt me so much. He promised after that he would try not to die again, I will hold him to that, maybe it's what he needs. Someone to tell him that his life does has value; it's not expendable under any circumstances. I wish I could give him forever Tad, I really do. Maybe one day I will be able to take him to meet Mam and then she will understand, just maybe.
Ianto was not surprised to feel a comforting firm grip on his shoulders as he closed his well worn book and shoved it back in his draw.
"Come back to bed Yan. You should be resting."
"Be there in a minute Jack."
