I saw him, really saw Remus Lupin for the first time on that day in our
sixth year. The leaves were turning to vibrant shades of red and yellow
outside our dormitory in Ravenclaw, you could watch the wind carry some
prematurely aged ones away on gentle currents.
I was doing just this when Remus and James walked in. They had been out playing Quidditch-Remus was the new Keeper and still had to be trained.Keeper, that had been my position before-before Severus found out. Before I lost their trust and companionship.
I still shiver when I remember that fateful night in June. I was jealous, mind I had yet to but a name to the emotion for I had never felt just so, anybody or anything that my heart had ever claimed and desired had been within my grasp. Remus was not; he never would be although one could hope.
I had confronted Snape as he sat alone in the Slytherin common room, one of my old haunts. He had been writing a note of some sort in the deep green Slytherin ink, this note he quickly stashed as soon as he felt my breath hot on his neck.
"What is it Sirius?" he addressed me through tight lips.
"Leave. Him. Alone," I managed through gritted teeth.
For some time, my friends and I had suspected that Severus held feelings for Remus and none of us had liked it. Remus would always belong to us- his pack, the Marauders, the runt as humans and the Alpha male as a wolf.
The way Snape glanced at Remus and watched him intently did nothing to deter our notions. Therefore, I felt I must do something-Remus deserved better.
"Leave who alone? Your boyfriend?" came his mocking remark.
I have always been a rash person, act first think later is my motto and I am ashamed to say that I live by that. Grabbing the slimy git by his black and thin shoulders I looked Severus Snape straight in his infinite, black eyes. His evil, black eyes now. And shook him, "Remus. Is. Not. My. Boyfriend," I punctuated each word with a violent shake.
"Of course not!" Severus spit, "He's too good for a bastard like yourself."
I hit him. I have never hit a Slytherin, while most shun these types; I have always found a grudging respect for anyone who bore the Snake on their school robes. But I am getting off track again. Snape stumbled back, wiping blood from his lip and he stuck out a pale hand to catch himself on one of many black armchairs that still litter the stone room, "And what makes an ungrateful prat such as yourself think you are much better?" I did not deny that I did not deserve Remus's companionship.
"I have staked no such claim Black," came the blunt reply.
"You want Remus? Go and find him!" I hollered, although the next part came as barely a whisper, "Press the knot at the base of the Whomping Willow with a stick, he's through the passageway," before turning and leaving but not before I caught the look in James's eye, my Slytherin companion turned on his heel and ran to his dormitory.
I, on the other hand, went to the one place where I could be alone and my imagination as well as emotions could run rampant. The Astronomy Tower was open air and faced the direction of the Shrieking Shack. From this vantage point I could watch as Madame Pomfrey led the young werewolf to his monthly habitation, I could watch Severus run in moments after the matron left alone. And I could watch, much to my astonishment as a second, bespectacled figure (yes, I knew he wore glasses as the moonlight glinted off of them) followed the first two in.
After that, everything was a rush of movement. The screams and howls, James running out of the Willow with Severus in tow. Being called to the hospital wing where James lay, his arm bleeding badly and his harsh words, eight harsh words-"What the hell were you trying to do?" that resonated within my mind.
Then I remembered the next morning, two days before the closing feast when Remus returned from his own stay in the hospital wing. He was perspiring from the very effort of standing and winced at every movement yet he still managed to find his way to our dormitory.
He looked at me, his hazel eyes whirling with all sorts of bedazzled emotion. No anger though, just questions all of which had so far gone unanswered, "Why Sirius? Why did he have to know?"
"Remus, I-I wasn't thinking-''
Holding his delicate hand up as if to wave my explanation, my one-time friend broke his gaze, "That's always your explanation, isn't it? But that's not true Sirius.you were thinking. You were thinking enough to tell him how to get past the Willow. But why?"
It was in that moment that I knew nothing was to be the same. Remus was not easily trusting and I had spent nearly five long years earning it along with the rest of the Marauders. In one moment, one bloody, ill thought out speech I had broken that trust and betrayed he whom I most cherished. No longer would I run with the pack under the full moon or comfort Remus when some misinformed house elf gave him real silverware that ravaged his youthful hands.
Sometime over the summer I was able to come to terms with the feelings and dreams I held of Moony. Unfortunately, this realization did not come gradually but flung itself at me much like the many girls and few boys I dated for no more than a few months. Everything that I had been feeling, the jealousy towards Snape and Remus's companionship, the adoration of my blonde friend all came into a simple and unadorned thought-//Oh shit//
"Brilliant work today Mr. Moony. Never thought you'd be so adept on a broom," James's voice brought me back to the autumn shrouded dormitory.
"Especially considering I failed Flying lessons," Remus added with a wink.
It was then that James's grey eyes met mine over the top of his glasses. While he and the others had forgiven me, Remus never would, on that night I could have made him a murderer.
"See you around Sirius. Perhaps you can help me with the Transfiguration homework later this evening," a perfect lie, James was the top student in our Transfiguration classes, with the Gryffindor head, Minerva McGonagall.
I barely inclined my head, there was a deeper matter James wished to discuss, this I knew and yet I willingly pulled myself into his verbal embrace.
I was doing just this when Remus and James walked in. They had been out playing Quidditch-Remus was the new Keeper and still had to be trained.Keeper, that had been my position before-before Severus found out. Before I lost their trust and companionship.
I still shiver when I remember that fateful night in June. I was jealous, mind I had yet to but a name to the emotion for I had never felt just so, anybody or anything that my heart had ever claimed and desired had been within my grasp. Remus was not; he never would be although one could hope.
I had confronted Snape as he sat alone in the Slytherin common room, one of my old haunts. He had been writing a note of some sort in the deep green Slytherin ink, this note he quickly stashed as soon as he felt my breath hot on his neck.
"What is it Sirius?" he addressed me through tight lips.
"Leave. Him. Alone," I managed through gritted teeth.
For some time, my friends and I had suspected that Severus held feelings for Remus and none of us had liked it. Remus would always belong to us- his pack, the Marauders, the runt as humans and the Alpha male as a wolf.
The way Snape glanced at Remus and watched him intently did nothing to deter our notions. Therefore, I felt I must do something-Remus deserved better.
"Leave who alone? Your boyfriend?" came his mocking remark.
I have always been a rash person, act first think later is my motto and I am ashamed to say that I live by that. Grabbing the slimy git by his black and thin shoulders I looked Severus Snape straight in his infinite, black eyes. His evil, black eyes now. And shook him, "Remus. Is. Not. My. Boyfriend," I punctuated each word with a violent shake.
"Of course not!" Severus spit, "He's too good for a bastard like yourself."
I hit him. I have never hit a Slytherin, while most shun these types; I have always found a grudging respect for anyone who bore the Snake on their school robes. But I am getting off track again. Snape stumbled back, wiping blood from his lip and he stuck out a pale hand to catch himself on one of many black armchairs that still litter the stone room, "And what makes an ungrateful prat such as yourself think you are much better?" I did not deny that I did not deserve Remus's companionship.
"I have staked no such claim Black," came the blunt reply.
"You want Remus? Go and find him!" I hollered, although the next part came as barely a whisper, "Press the knot at the base of the Whomping Willow with a stick, he's through the passageway," before turning and leaving but not before I caught the look in James's eye, my Slytherin companion turned on his heel and ran to his dormitory.
I, on the other hand, went to the one place where I could be alone and my imagination as well as emotions could run rampant. The Astronomy Tower was open air and faced the direction of the Shrieking Shack. From this vantage point I could watch as Madame Pomfrey led the young werewolf to his monthly habitation, I could watch Severus run in moments after the matron left alone. And I could watch, much to my astonishment as a second, bespectacled figure (yes, I knew he wore glasses as the moonlight glinted off of them) followed the first two in.
After that, everything was a rush of movement. The screams and howls, James running out of the Willow with Severus in tow. Being called to the hospital wing where James lay, his arm bleeding badly and his harsh words, eight harsh words-"What the hell were you trying to do?" that resonated within my mind.
Then I remembered the next morning, two days before the closing feast when Remus returned from his own stay in the hospital wing. He was perspiring from the very effort of standing and winced at every movement yet he still managed to find his way to our dormitory.
He looked at me, his hazel eyes whirling with all sorts of bedazzled emotion. No anger though, just questions all of which had so far gone unanswered, "Why Sirius? Why did he have to know?"
"Remus, I-I wasn't thinking-''
Holding his delicate hand up as if to wave my explanation, my one-time friend broke his gaze, "That's always your explanation, isn't it? But that's not true Sirius.you were thinking. You were thinking enough to tell him how to get past the Willow. But why?"
It was in that moment that I knew nothing was to be the same. Remus was not easily trusting and I had spent nearly five long years earning it along with the rest of the Marauders. In one moment, one bloody, ill thought out speech I had broken that trust and betrayed he whom I most cherished. No longer would I run with the pack under the full moon or comfort Remus when some misinformed house elf gave him real silverware that ravaged his youthful hands.
Sometime over the summer I was able to come to terms with the feelings and dreams I held of Moony. Unfortunately, this realization did not come gradually but flung itself at me much like the many girls and few boys I dated for no more than a few months. Everything that I had been feeling, the jealousy towards Snape and Remus's companionship, the adoration of my blonde friend all came into a simple and unadorned thought-//Oh shit//
"Brilliant work today Mr. Moony. Never thought you'd be so adept on a broom," James's voice brought me back to the autumn shrouded dormitory.
"Especially considering I failed Flying lessons," Remus added with a wink.
It was then that James's grey eyes met mine over the top of his glasses. While he and the others had forgiven me, Remus never would, on that night I could have made him a murderer.
"See you around Sirius. Perhaps you can help me with the Transfiguration homework later this evening," a perfect lie, James was the top student in our Transfiguration classes, with the Gryffindor head, Minerva McGonagall.
I barely inclined my head, there was a deeper matter James wished to discuss, this I knew and yet I willingly pulled myself into his verbal embrace.
