I lie here.

On this bed.

I lie here.

Awake.

And I wonder why.

Maybe it's the nightmares.

Of my father.

My mother.

The Dark Lord.

The Mark.

I feel the scarred flesh on my forearm.

The secret I've had to keep.

The relationship I wish I need not have had.

I don't want to think about my "father".

Indeed.

Heis blood is in my veins.

The blood I so hate.

The blood that makes me me.

The blood I'd rather not have.

I'd rather not exist.

But I do.

The blood that he had no concern for when he made me comply to his wishes.

When he flung me against the wall.

When he tied me to a chair.

And let me watch.

Let me watch as he raped her.

Tore off her clothes.

Got her in the crudest of positions.

With the most painful and dangerous of items.

He made me watch.

Whipped her.

Beat her.

Slapped her.

Left my mother to bleed.

Then he pulled me off that chair.

Got me naked.

Then he slammed into me.

Over and over.

Over and over.

I was young then.

Going to Hogwarts.

Said it was a parting gift.

The liar.

I shut my eyes.

I force back tears.

Malfoys don't cry.

He taught me.

I learnt the same way.

The hard way.

Each and every time.

Enough.

I hardened my heart.

Never again.

Everyone is my enemy.

Show everyone the hate.

Save those I need.

Those I could use.

Crabbe, Goyle.

Even Captain Flint.

Parkinson.

Oh hell yeah.

All the damn fucking I need.

Lust.

Not love.

Nothing more.

And then there's the Golden Trio.

Potter.

Hoho.

Potter.

The-boy-who-lived.

The one I'm trained to hate.

And then Weasley.

Need I say more.

Weakling.

Loser.

Moron.

Fucking moron.

Granger.

Filthy mudblood.

Bloody know-it-all.

Yet.

A sparkle.

Something I can't put my finger on.

When she slapped me.

When she calls me "ferret".

And.

That night.

On patrol duty.

Damn it.

Damn you, Granger.

Damn you.

Hermione.

I didn't mean to fall for someone I have to hate.

---

I lie here.

On this bed.

I lie here.

Awake.

And wonder why.

Perfect life.

Brilliant family.

Doing well in school.

Hell.

Doing hideously well.

Topping all classes.

Great work quality.

But something's missing.

Sure.

I've got my friends.

The Golden Trio.

Harry, Ron and I.

And then there's Ginny and company.

All friends.

But I'm not really close to anyone.

I don't know why.

And the flings.

Ron and Viktor.

Ron.

That was bad.

And Viktor

He just never wrote again.

But my biggest mistake.

On patrol duty.

With my worst enemy.

Against the wall in the dungeon corridor.

Tongues fought as mouths met.

I could hear his breathing quicken with mine.

My worst enemy.

Maybe it was lust.

No.

Surely it was lust.

Or maybe.

Just maybe.

There was something more.

Something.

Something I'm sure her could never feel.

Love.

But I can't fall for him.

I can't.

Yet.

I can't help but fall for him.

The ferret.

The jerk.

Whom I slapped.

That one night on patrol duty.

Damn it.

Damn you Malfoy.

Damn you.

Draco.