Spoilers: The Force Rises references characters, events, and themes from all the Star Wars movies through Episode VIII: The Last Jedi.

Warning: The Force Rises contains adult content, graphic description of violence, and dark material that exceed canon-typical levels. Please mind the M rating. This story has been modified from its original MA/NC-17 rating, which is on available AO3, LJ, and Tumblr.

Chapter Summary: After the showdown at Crait, Rey has a moment alone.


Chapter 1
The Island Fortress


When did it start?

Rey paced the length room, overwhelmed by its size. She had requested private quarters expecting a bunk, a trunk, and a door. She hadn't dreamed of an actual bed, let alone a wide-open space and meditation platform.

It must've been right away.

A switch caught her attention. The Resistance rarely had modern comforts, so she initially ignored the anachronism. But now that she saw it, it was completely out of place, a mar to the otherwise perfectly crafted walls.

It must have happened all at once.

She inhaled slowly, concentrating on the fixture that stuck out like a sore thumb. It was down, and she needed it up. She reached out with the Force and applied the faintest touch of it, unsure of its make and resistance.

It started on the island.

She gradually increased the pressure, knowing that the tiniest flick could mean the difference between turning the switch on and blowing a hole in the wall.

On the island, at night.

There was a faint click that confirmed her task's completion. She redirected the remainder of the energy, imagining it running up the smooth walls, like a waterfall rising into the sky as she exhaled the last of her breath.

The clatter along the walls jolted her from her focus, and the energy she had been directing scattered, bursting some of the interior emergency bulbs. Normally, she would've chastised herself for losing control, but the sight before her eclipsed everything else in her mind.

An enormous floor-to-ceiling window opened, the shade seamlessly integrated into the far wall, revealing a spread of amber, white, and green, falling into a perfect reflection of itself with brown and red rising on the other side.

This base had been built in the mountains a very long time ago. According to Finn, the water between each mountain served as a natural, defensive barrier. A moat, he'd called it.

It was astonishing. On Jakku, there hadn't been enough water for so much as a pond, and even if there had been, it would've evaporated in a matter of hours. She had imagined water as a shield - heard stories of planets that were naught but ocean with flecks of land - but she never envisioned anything like this. To her, water had been an untraversable blackness akin to space.

Which no one dare hope to pass.

Rey swallowed hard. She stood in a magnificent room in front of unimaginable beauty, but it still wasn't enough to quell her mind.

When did it start? Was it the first night?

On mission, she always had one reason or another to avoid her thoughts, but today she had no orders, no objectives, no plan. She had a sneaking suspicion General Organa arranged it all. She had been the one, after all, who had noticed the fact that Rey hadn't taken a moment for herself since they escaped Crait over four months ago.

It was entirely true, but there was a reason.

No, too angry at first. It must've started later.

Ever since that day... whenever things went still, a single, unrelenting question rose within her.

When did it start?

She sucked in a breath. If Rey was being honest with herself, she would've known that there was no outrunning it.

When did it start?

And, apparently, there was no ignoring it, either.

Not right away, she thought. I was too angry. I hated them for leaving behind, but I hated Unkar Plutt even more.

Rey remembered how good it felt to hate Unkar Plutt, to blame him for her pain and misery. For a long time, it felt like the only good feeling she had, so she indulged it, invested her rage, focusing it entirely on him. It was easy, especially in the beginning when he'd lock her inside when she wasn't working with nothing but odd electronics and spare parts for company. On bad days, she'd wreck the entire lot, scattering them across the floor, even though she knew she'd be the one cleaning it up and punished to boot.

Eventually, after one too many bad day temper tantrums, Unkar Plutt told her to find somewhere else to sleep. He also told her he had a particularly nasty penalty in store if she was so much as a fraction late the next morning.

The first night on her own was... horrid wasn't enough to describe it, not nearly enough. She went to this abandoned hut that she passed every day; it was rundown but withstood the wind and kept warm through the night. So she ate her meager portions and curled up under her jacket and spare tunic, falling asleep immediately. But it didn't last. She woke up to find two boys not much older than herself - named Kip and Rawn, she learned later - trying to steal her pack.

She didn't know how to defend herself. Not properly. Not yet. Especially not half-asleep and unprepared. All she could do was grab what she could and run for it. She lost her best canister and her spare tunic, and her only jacket was badly torn during a frantic tug-o-war.

She spent hours wandering in the dark, unwilling to use her torch for fear it would attract attention. Anybody who saw her might try to take what little she had left. She tried to rest, but nowhere felt safe. Every time she tried to close her eyes, she'd hear someone or something move nearby, and she'd jolt awake. She couldn't fall asleep, so she didn't sleep at all.

The next night, she climbed the highest perch she could find, but it didn't matter. She was weary to the bone, desperate to sleep, but she couldn't. She was alone, and falling asleep meant she'd be defenseless.

"You imagine an ocean. I can see it - I see the island..."

Rey's stomach clenched. It was bad enough reliving it, but to hear him speak of something that she had never told another living soul... it shook her.

Because she did imagine an ocean. In her mind, it looked like the blackness between stars, stretching out in every direction, and she was alone on a tiny island, so far no one could reach her.

That was the last thought she had before falling asleep every night. Even now. The picture in her head changed, but the image was always the same, as was the notion that she was safe because she was alone.

When did it start?

Not the first night. She had been too afraid. But the night after... yes, the night after. She had a clear view into the night sky, and she wondered where her parents were. How far had they gotten? How long had it been since they left? How long would it be until they came back?

That's when it started. She had looked up into a sky full of stars and wondered when her parents would return. She knew they had abandoned her - worse, they'd sold her - but she had blamed Unkar Plutt for holding her captive for so long that the idea of her parents felt... warm, safe, freeing. So when she wondered about when her parents would return, it was with a childlike curiosity, and that was enough to make her believe it was possible.

Rey didn't forget the truth. Not right away. It took years of her dreaming about their return and imagining their reunion to finally overshadow that dreadful pit in her stomach that formed when she watched her parents walk away without looking back. But that night... that night was when it started.

Rey put the palms of her hands against the floor to steady herself. At some point during her recollection, she had fallen to her knees. She hadn't realized the toll it had taken on her until now. Tears spilled down her face, and she didn't fight them.

It hurt. It hurt to admit that her parents had sold her and left her behind. It hurt to remember lying to herself so frequently that those lies of comfort became truth... her truth. That was what kept her going, but it was also what kept her stranded on Jakku.

Rey had made an imaginary island of solitude to protect herself, and at some point, she began to think it was real. Had it not been for BB-8, she might never have left Jakku.

She sat back so she was kneeling with her weight over her heels, and she let her head drop back and closed her eyes, gulping down big breaths of air, trying desperately to calm herself.

You're not that lonely, terrified child anymore.

Her eyes snapped open, and in a heartbeat, she was on her feet with her blaster drawn. She had felt it more than heard it, and her only instinct was to react as if somebody was intruding.

She turned one way, then the other, but she was alone.

Rey turned back toward the window. This world was exceptionally beautiful. She could see that even through the fog of tears.

She went to the bed, placing her blaster by the pillow. She wasn't on an island anymore. She didn't have to picture water all around her to let herself sleep. She didn't need imaginings any longer. She was just as safe as anyone could be in this galaxy.

She faced the window as she closed her eyes, and her very last thought before falling into slumber was that tomorrow, she'd wake to a sunrise reflecting over the water. And what a sight that would be.


End of Chapter Notes


Author's note: I'll be titling the chapters in the Star Wars fashion, possibly borrowing titles from novels and the like.