Every person
Up in South Park
Liked Christmas a lot...
But Damien,
Who lived in Hell,
Did NOT!
Damien hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his pants were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his pants,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating South Park,
Staring into his crystal ball with a sour, demonic frown
At the warm lighted windows in their town.
For he knew every citzen up in South Park above
Was busy now, making a Christmas feast.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his flaming fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the cizen of South Park
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the mortals, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would start on southern-pudding, and rare southern-roast-beast
Which was something Damien couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every person up in South Park, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the people would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing!
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more Damien thought of the Christmas-Sing
The more he thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for too many years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
DAMIEN
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" He Laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great demonic trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..."
Damien looked around.
But since reindeer aren't in hell, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Demon...?
No! Damien simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his slave Cartmen. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on top of his head.
THEN
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
On a ramshakle sleigh
And he hitched up old Eric.
Then Damien said, "Giddyap!"
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the people
Lay a-snooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the citizens were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," The old demon Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if Santa could do it, then so could the prince of darkness.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little red stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Damien, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the whole feast!
He took the southern-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that demon even took their last can of southern-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned Damien, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And he grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the stumble of a klutz.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small blonde!
Little Butters Scotch, who was half asleep.
Damien had been caught by this little blonde
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
Butters stared at Damien and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old demon was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little blonde," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted his head
And Damien got him a drink and sent Butters to bed.
And when Butters went to bed with his cup,
Damien went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took
Was the log for their fire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.
And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then
He did the same thing
To the other people's houses
Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other peoples' mouses!
It was quarter past dawn...
All of South Park, still a-bed
All of South Park, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet down! To the seventh layer of hell,
He rode to the lava pit to dump it!
"Screw South Park!" he was demonically humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the people up in South Park will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned Damien,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And he put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started with Chef. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared up at South Park!
Damien popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every person up in South Park, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And Damien, with his sneakers warming up in the lava,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he thought three hours, `till his thinker was sore.
Then Damien thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well...I like to say
That Damien's small heart
Grew a few sizes that day!
And the minute I convinced him to give something back,
Damien whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! BUT not the food for the feast!
He...
...HE HIMSELF...!
Damien kept the roast beast!
