Lara's wondering how things ever got as screwed up as they did, it's no surprise that they did by now. She just wonders how the hell...it's a question that's been on her mind constantly since getting back. Another is: how much of a monster is she really? Little remorse for those she killed...that worries her. Even if they had their hand around her neck, shouldn't she just have a little? There's no answer to that question. The worst part is when Sam looks at her hopeful for just a second before she gives her a look Lara really hasn't seen that much before. Maybe Sam can see the monster too? With all the scars she has by now there's no way Sam can't. Sam has to have at least realized Lara went through a grinder and came out...different.
Lara's standing in the middle of her room, a place she never thought she'd see again. She can't help the grunts or groans that escaped her lips as she tries to remove her shirt. She can't lift her arms up far enough before pain sets in causing her to stop. She'd been through worse, she should at least be able to remove a damn shirt, right? It seemed the universe had other plans for her. She felt stiff and she ached. She almost felt useless. She must have been louder than anticipated because she could familiar footsteps coming down a short distance through the hall. She didn't even have it in her to panic about the state Sam saw her in.
"Sweetie?" Sam stood feet away giving her a concerned look. She knew that look at least, "Need some help?" Lara debated whether or not she wanted to accept the offer. It was better if she didn't and just let Sam be for the time being.
"It's fine," she was reproached with an unconvinced look and stubborn glint in Sam's eyes, "it's fine, seriously. Promise," The look Sam gave her told her she was already calling her bluff...she wasn't going to win this this fight. But then again, when did she ever win where Sam was concerned? It was Sam, the only person that knew Lara like the back of her own hand.
"It's not fine, seriously. Just...let me help you? Please?" She asked almost pleadingly. Her tone made Lara feel as though her chest was constricting as she finally let out a soft sigh and nodded to give her consent, closing her eyes as she did so. For some inexplicable reason, she just felt so...ashamed...like she was a burden on those around her. She hated it. She hated being unable to fend for herself and she hated all the pitying glances that people gave her incessantly like she was a victim or some tragic survivor. She wasn't. She was the transgressor, the villain, the hunter...the farthest thing from innocent. As these thoughts continued to develop in her mind, she couldn't help but wonder how she'd rather people view her?
But why did she even have to wonder that? Why did any of this have to happen? Because of me...because of my foolish, novice theories… She thought bitterly. It was true. If it hadn't been for her, they would have never gone on that cursed expedition. They would have never gotten shipwrecked on that island in the first place and everybody would still be alive. Roth would still be alive. Suddenly, Lara was laughing as tears slid down her face.
"Lara?" Sam sounded concerned about the sudden laughter she heard, "What's so funny sweetie?" she asked, her eyes lighting up with worry.
"Funny how a ship named after Shackleton's shipwrecked arctic expedition vessel...would meet the same fate...we were doomed from the start…" Why did she find it so amusing? Was she finally going mad? Did that sweet, innocent schoolgirl in her finally snap? "It was bound to happen either way, right?" She looked at Sam almost desperately, her gaze met with Sam's own horrified expression, "Not my fault. Definitely not my fault. Not like I didn't employ that exact ship for the expedition, right?!"
"N-no...that's not funny...that's not funny at all…" Sam was saying in a near whisper, looking more and more mortified with each passing second. This only made Lara laugh harder, however, as she grabbed the front of Sam's shirt.
"No, no! Don't you see?! I'm like Shackleton! I organized a failed expedition on a ship called the Endurance! It's all my fault!" More tears began to fall from Lara's eyes, "I killed them all…" Sam grabbed Lara's wrists and pried them off her shirt before looking Lara firmly in the eyes.
"Lara. Breathe. Just breathe," she was saying as calmly as she could. Lara did as she was told, "There. Good. Lara...there's nothing you could have done..not to save them. NONE of it is your fault as much as you don't want to believe me. You failed no one...the best we can do is just-breathe for the people we've lost. Hope we can live for them in even the smallest ways," her voice began to falter near the end, "That's all we can do…" Lara's bottom lip quivered slightly but she didn't say anything else, which Sam was thankful for, "Now...why don't we just...work on getting that shirt off of you right now?" She asked hesitantly when it was clear that Lara didn't have a response. Lara visibly hesitated now that her mind was going...if Sam was already freaked out...god, then what she'd see underneath...how could Lara ever look her in the eyes again?
Sam let out an audible gasp before the shirt was completely off, it caused Lara to freeze and curse herself for ever letting this happen. The shirt was soon thrown off to the side and she straightened her back upright. She tried to avoid looking at Sam's face. She couldn't stand the possibility that Sam could see the beast within, the beast she became, and be scared to ever be near her again. She could feel a lump start to form in her throat at the idea she'd fucked up so much Sam wouldn't want to be around her anymore. The sound of Sam sucking in air caused her head to snap to her before she could stop it. She was surprised at what she actually found. She'd never seen this expression on Sam before. It wasn't terrified, angry, or even fearful like she thought it might be. It was something soft and unknown, she couldn't place her finger on what it was which was unusual because if she was being honest, she knew all of Sam's expression and tones. This was just different.
Sam hesitated for a moment, unsure if this was breaking some unspoken rule that had been formed since they've been back from that god forsaken island. She looked to Lara expectantly for some kind of denial but Lara only gave her a look and didn't move. Sam took this as an okay and slowly brought her hands out to Lara's abdomen all the while keeping her eyes on Lara's face for any sign that she was uncomfortable. As soon as skin touched skin her eyes dropped down to all of the scars that were placed on Lara's once smooth skin. Thumbs brushed against newly formed scars as well as slightly older ones and the movement made Lara's breath hitch for a moment. Sam pulled back quickly, afraid she'd harmed her...how could she not have? In a way she ruined Lara hadn't she? Lara did all she had for her…
"It's alright..." was all that came out of Lara. It was barely a whisper that Sam nearly didn't catch.
Sam took the permission to return but did so slower this time. Her thumbs moved lighter and slower than before as she begun to map out and try to read the scars that were there. She wondered how much she had actually ruined Lara to the point she developed all of these. How did she get them anyways? How many fights with nature, man, and animal had she been in to form them like layers almost? Was it all for her? It almost felt selfish to ask herself but it was the truth, Lara went to hell and back for her. Her heart ached at the idea that Lara became what she did on that island because of her. She was always good at ruining things wasn't she?
She looked up and noticed Lara had her eyes closed, it was then that she realized Lara had been leaning into her touch slightly. It was almost as if they hadn't had physical interaction in quite awhile, but when was the last time they hugged? Oh...not for weeks now. When did that happen? That they spent as much time apart as they did? Sam felt guilty about that thought. She sighed and continued to move her hands about Lara's skin. Pink flesh stood out to her, warning her to be careful like she might split old wounds open again. She didn't like the idea she could do that or that the warning was even needed.
Lara hummed in encouragement any time she felt Sam stop or begin to stop. Even though she was terrified of what Sam would find out if she continued to read into them with her hands, she couldn't bring herself to push her away. Not now. Not when her touch was the only thing erasing all of her thoughts, worries, fears, and pain. As she continued to trace, Lara could feel goosebumps erupting on her skin. Sam's touch was so cold yet so...warm at the same time. It was almost electric.
Suddenly, Sam's hands brushed against the area where a rebar had impaled her and she felt an almost irresistible urge to slap them away, to conceal herself, to back into a corner like the feral animal that she was-bound to snap at anybody near her at any given moment. Then, once the urge to slap her hands away had passed, she felt guilty. Guilty at the thought of pushing away the only person that cared about her but also guilty for being too selfish to push her away. What Sam was doing...it would only lead to her seeing Lara the way she truly was. Broken, weak, bits of her old self just slapped half-assedly back together. She couldn't bear the thought.
Now she was terrified...terrified once again that Sam would read too far into the scars and discover the things that she had done. She was terrified that she would truly be exposed for the monster that she was. Now the animal was back in its corner, ready to growl at and attack anybody who came near. No, Lara, she thought, Resist it. Suppress that part of you. Don't give in. She couldn't handle it anymore. The fear was threatening to swallow her whole and drag her into an inescapable darkness, never to be seen again. She gently took hold of Sam's wrists and broke the contact.
"I...I can't…" she said, her voice breaking at the end.
Sam looked at her confusedly for a moment, worried that she had actually gone and hurt Lara. Were some of her wounds still healing? Did she go too far or do something wrong? When she looked into Lara's eyes, she was unable to discern each individual emotion in the swirling sea of darkness contained within. She could see...fear, maybe? Paranoia? She had never seen Lara like this before...not even on you-know-where. She calmly laced her fingers within Lara's and gave her what was her best attempt at a reassuring smile. It seemed to work for the most part as Lara's features seemed to visibly relax as she hastily muttered an apology.
"Don't apologize…" was Sam's response, "There's no reason to be sorry. Just...relax." Was all she could offer at the time. She was tempted to apologize herself but couldn't bring herself to. She felt that if she did anything there was no apology good enough to say.
Lara attempted to open her mouth a few times to just...say anything before silence set between them. Anything she had on the tip of her tongue she failed to push out and say. She felt guilty for the awkwardness if there was any. She looked at Sam and saw her expression begin to relax a few times before it went back to what it was before. It was like a debate going on in Sam and Lara couldn't help when she felt she was fighting with herself. Her eyes drifted to their connected hands for a moment before she attempted to give them a squeeze. It was light but it seemed to get Sam's attention as she gave her a small smile but said nothing. Was this how it was going to be now? To be so close and know each other so well but never say what was on their mind again? The best she could do was mutter a thank you to Sam who in return placed a kiss to her forehead but didn't dare linger. Lara almost wished she had.
