Title: Sam's Confessions
Rating: K+
Summary: Sam needed to confess his sins in order to go forth with the Third Trial, so he takes the time and confesses
Warning: Spoilers and Sadness
"Forgive me, Father" Sam whispers, "For I have sinned."
"I don't know where to start. I suppose the beginning would be ideal, but even a beginning is hard to pin-point. I ask your forgiveness for Jess. I knew what was going to happen and I did nothing to prevent it. I put her in danger the moment I met her. Forgive me for ignoring the warnings that could have saved her life. Forgive me for letting her down. Forgive me for all the nights I laid in bed, praying it was a nightmare.
"Forgive me for disobeying my father. He only wanted what was best for us. Forgive me for all the times I argued. I know many times Dean took the fall for me. Forgive me for letting him do that. Forgive me for leaving Dean alone, for being selfish and running away. I really let him down. Forgive me for not telling them sooner about my problem with the visions. Maybe Dad would still be alive if I had.
"Forgive me for the demon blood. I was wrong; I was stupid to think I was doing the right thing. Forgive me for… Ruby and all the sins that followed with her. Forgive me for opening one of the gates of hell. Forgive me for dying in the first place and causing Dean to sell his soul. If I had just paid attention, Dean wouldn't have went to hell. The seals probably would have never been broken.
"Forgive me Father, for being foolish and listening to demons. For opening the pit and releasing Lucifer. Forgive me for all the deaths I caused because of my idiocy. Forgive me for Lisa and Ben. Dean loved her and the boy so much. I ruined everything for Dean. If it hadn't been for me, he'd be at home with her, watching a stupid television show or taking Ben to baseball practice.
"Forgive me for what I did when I was soulless. I knew better and I didn't care. I hurt people instead of helping them. I torn up the only home Dean ever had. I made him worry because I was such an easy target. I made Cas insane. Forgive me if you can even extend such forgiveness. And sending Dean to Purgatory. That should have been me, God. I should have went in his place. I should have been faster, quicker.
"Forgive me for- for not looking for Dean or trying to find him a way out. For being a coward. Forgive me for breaking down because I wasn't strong enough to process that I might never see my brother again. Forgive me for not dealing with it and having the courage to push forward. Forgive me for pretending I could have what Dean had with Amelia. Forgive me for being selfish and letting Dean down like I had before over and over.
"Forgive me for making Dean worry with these trials. I know I'm stronger than this but I'm so weak. So weak I can't hide my petty problems. Forgive me for being such a screw up that Dean can't trust me. Forgive me for being selfish enough to wish he could trust me. And for my penitence I ask that this goes well. That I can make Dean proud. That I can fix all the damaged I've done.
"I'm afraid I might die. Forgive me for fearing death. I've come to terms with the possibility and if I do not make it, at least let it not be in vain. If you can grant one miracle, let it be that. I ask that Dean moves on and is happy, as he should be without me around to ruin everything for him. In the name of the Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit, amen."
Sam makes the sign of the cross in front of him and wipes his face with his hands. Confident his tears are dried, he steps out of the small confessional with new found strength. He's going to atone for his sins even if it kills him and he's just fine with that.
