Return of the Germs

A/N: Jhonen Vasquez owns Invader Zim and other cannon characters that may be present on this story. However, I do own Staphy and his ilk.

Chapter 1: This is not the End

*Dramatic music*

Long ago, twelve schmilllion generations to be exact, our kind lived in harmony. Then everything changed when an enormous green being attacked. Not even the 0.01% of the original population survived this holocaust. So methodical, so calculated, merciless, and precise. Only I, Staphy, remained. I am all that is left of my people. The only witness against the atrocities perpetuated by that green being! I saw my precursor, the one who gave life to me through binary fission, brutally assassinated before my eyes, as I hid like a coward. I will never forget the horrible zipper-like and malicious grin of the attacker.

I vowed revenge. I vowed to return my kind to their former glory, but first I had to create an army. The most powerful and unstoppable ever! This proved to be a challenge, as I was on my own, and the few other microbes that survived were too frightened to lay their cilia, flagella, or pseudopodia on the green being's home. Fools! Cowardly fools! I told them that fate was on our side. We survived after all. What other than fate smiling down on us could our survival mean? We clearly had a purpose, and that purpose was revenge. I would not hide again like a coward! This time I would fight the green menace and bring him to his knees!

They did not join me. I was on my own. I had to keep my biological functions to their most basic levels, given the hostile environment. Until one day, after a heavy meal of nutrients left behind by a strange and kind metallic being, I found myself undergoing binary fission. I had progeny of my own! It was so beautiful and exactly like myself. Then I saw him. He looked angry, scowl on his face, hands on his hips. "Gir! What have I told you about cleaning up after yourself?" he said in that horribly shrill voice of his.

"I don't wanna," the kind metallic being, now dressed as a green doggy, protested rightfully. He would not stand for the atrocities committed by his master. To him we owe the restoration of our former glory. He will be worshipped after we destroy the green being. It was he who allowed me to bear progeny. The green being fumed, "Do I have to do everything?!" Unintelligible words followed after this remark. He left the room and returned in the armor he wore when he slaughtered our people. I nearly emptied my vacuoles of their contents*. He was back, disinfectant aerosol in hand, ready to exterminate me and my progeny!

But O! What providence! What divine intelligence! That my progeny should survive as well as me. I saw the green being's face contort with rage and fear. "What?! It's not working! Why! Won't! You! Die!" As flurry after flurry of antibiotic-laden disinfectant fell upon us to no avail. He thought he had seen the last of us. It gave me great joy to see his eyes feel with fear. I ate and ate to form more progeny to fight against the green menace. Our army encroached upon the green being, growing exponentially every second. We could savor his fear through the compounds that permeated through his skin. "Don't touch me! Don't touch me! You will not have my spooch!" he was near tears. Oh what fun shall we have! How horribly delightful our vengeance will be!

A/N: I love the "Germs" episode; I find it so relatable. I constantly think of microbes in my surroundings, and more so given my educational background. I don't know where I will go with this story, but it will probably be based on my experiences of coming to terms with this germy world. So as silly as the prompt is, there may be slight character development on behalf of Zim. Bacteria are scary MFs! That's the take-home message. I am open to commentary based on my writing. If I am stuck I will let you guys now, as I will gladly accept guidance because I want this finished. Can you spot the references?

* So does not have vacuoles. Vacuoles are very rare in prokaryotes, but I wanted to add emotion to Staphy. It's pretty difficult in a non-humanoid non-eukaryotic organism.