Disclaimer: I dont own Harry Potter. Thanks to Mystic Catface for the input
The Alternative Hogwarts Sorting Hat Song
The whole school sat in silence and watched the Sorting Hat. A rip near the brim opened wide like a mouth and the hat began to sing…
Far away, long ago,
There lived a wizard with one toe.
His name was Godric and he was good,
At climbing trees and rolling in mud.
One day upon his travels he saw,
An insufferable old bag called Rowena Ravenclaw,
In his opinion one was enough,
But along for the ride was Helga Hufflepuff.
Both Huffle and Raven found him rather dishy,
But Godric suspected that something was fishy.
"What are two ladies, like yourselves,
Doing wandering in a wood, full of goblins and elves?"
"We are on a quest!" Young Helga cried,
"To create a Wizarding school at which students can reside."
"What a good idea, let me come too,
Three brains are much better than two!"
Then from behind a tree stepped an evil thing indeed.
Salthazar Slytherin, full of malice and greed.
"Let me join your merry band of men,
And instead of three, we will be four then!"
There and then they made a pact,
They spat on their hands and that's a fact.
To build the best magic school they could,
And within a year before them a castle stood.
"It needs a library," said swotty Rowena,
Gryffindor saw what was missing and said "A Quidditch Arena!"
"How about a hall, with an enchanted sky?"
Said Helga with a gleam in her eye.
Last up was Slytherin, "I hope there's a bar!"
The other three turned and looked at Salthazar,
Rowena pursed her lips, "This is a school, not a pub!
No more silly suggestions, understood?"
And so began the first seeds of dissent,
Of the four heroes, Slytherin's patience was spent.
So Slytherin went on his own path,
Shouting behind him, "This school is going to be so naff!"
But the founders continued, not bothered by Salthazar's moans,
And worked until they ached down to their bones.
"There's just one question, how do we choose?"
Asked Helga, Godric took off one of his shoes.
"We'll use my trainer to sort lion from crow,"
"It's a raven," said Rowena, "And anyway, no.
We'll use a hat, and teach it to speak,
It can assess the qualities amongst the elite."
"Right- O," said Godric, "It's worth a shot."
And that's why, dear listeners, it's me you've got.
So shut up complaining it's me who'll decide,
What house you're in and I don't mind,
If you beg to be in one, I'll give you another,
For my own amusement, so don't bother.
The whole school stared in amazement at the Hat as McGonagall grabbed her scroll and whacked it over the head.
