Being There
It started with a shot. One single gun shot. Will knew as soon as he saw the girl rushed into the ED; it was going to be one of those days. A day he wouldn't forget for a while.
After they had the girl stabilized, Jay and his new partner Upton showed up with the mother. After explaining everything to the parents, they settled the little girl in a room. Will let out a sigh. It was always harder when kids were the innocent victims.
Another hour passed, and Will was finishing his rounds when he noticed his brother hanging outside the little girl's room.
"Her vitals have stabilized and she's holding her on," he started with knowing Jay would ask first thing.
"So she has a chance?"
"Yea."
"That's great news," Jay said even though he appeared tortured. Will knew he took cases with kids personally.
"You ok?" He asked even though his pager was buzzing.
"No, not really man," Jay said as Will watched him fight to reign in his emotions. Will was all he had left to lean on and he knew he couldn't lie to him.
"Look I know it's hard to see some punk sh..."
"I shot her. I shot her. Bullet came from my gun."
"Your gun?" Will asked disbelievingly. He was trying to wrap his head around what Jay was saying and how he knew his brother was feeling.
"Yea so..." Jay trailed off knowing Will would get his meaning.
"I'm sorry Jay," he said truthfully before his pager buzzed again. He let out a huff before saying, "A'ight come 'ere." He wrapped his arms around his little brother tight giving him some comfort before he knew he had to race back to work. "You just stay strong alright?" He said giving Jay another squeeze.
"Thanks man," Jay said as Will headed off. He didn't want to leave Jay, but duty called and he knew Jay understood.
/
Jay met with the shooting team and had finished some work with the team when Kim gave him the news. It was like his already tilted world titled some more and he was struggling to find balance.
He raced to the hospital. He needed Will's explanation. He needed to know why. He slammed his Jeep in park in the parking lot and raced inside.
"I was just about to call..." Will started seeing Jay rush into the ED his emotions simmering just below the surface. He pulled him to an empty ED room knowing Jay could lose it any second.
"You said she was gonna make it. You said she was gonna make..."
Will interrupted knowing Jay wasn't really blaming him. He was blaming himself, and it killed Will to see his little brother like this. "I said she had a chance. She was in bad shape... lost too much blood... There's... There's only so much we can do."
"I know... I know... I'm sorry..." Jay trailed off as his emotions were eating him alive. He saw the parents walking out and it was too much. He turned from Will walking off and Will let him. He knew his brother needed the time to process what had actually happened. He knew if he went after him right then, Jay would push him away harder. He'd get him after shift and make sure he was going to be ok.
/
Will was clocking out when Maggie showed him the news conference and Jay in the background. Will let out a sigh and a nod. "Thanks Maggie," he said quietly.
She gave his shoulder a squeeze. "Be the good brother I know you are Will. He needs you now."
"I know. I will. I'm going to track him down now."
Maggie gave him a nod before letting him head out. Will headed off to his car dialing Jay. He knew deep down Jay wasnt going to answer and he was going to have to track him down. So he was a little surprised when Jay actually answered.
"Will..." He said slightly desperately.
"Yea man it's me. Where are you?" Will asked worried that Jay actually answered and how he sounded.
"Sitting in my jeep," he whispered. Will could hear him run his hand over his face.
"Where Jay?" He asked again.
"Outside Morgan's house," he said after a long pause.
"Jay..."
"I found her necklace. Her mom deserves it."
"Ok buddy. I'm going to the apartment. If your not there in thirty minutes, I'm calling your team to track you down. Got it?"
"Yea... yea ok. I got it," Jay sighed before they hung up.
Jay took another deep breath after hanging up with Will and wiped his eyes. He knew they were red rimmed but he couldn't do anything about it. He also knew Will would seriously call the team if he wasn't home in thirty so he needed to suck it up and get it over with.
This was always the worst part for him. Facing the families. He always shouldered the blame for being there when their loved one wasn't. He always felt he was the one that deserved not to be there. All he had left was Will and while they were much better than they used to be, he felt others deserved to be home more than him.
He took another deep breath and finally opened the door. He slowly walked up to the front door and knocked. He wasn't even sure they would answer, but he wanted to return Morgan's necklace nonetheless.
When her mother opened the door, Jay was at a loss for a moment. He knew his face was conveying his despair, but he couldn't stop it. He'd been the reason their little girl wasn't home anymore and it was killing him inside.
"I found Morgan's necklace," he finally managed. "I wanted you to have it," he said holding it out to her. She slowly took it and Jay felt a small sense of relief. He fought the tears before uttering the most useless words he'd ever heard himself, "I'm very sorry."
He stuffed his hands in his pocket, fought back the tears and walked off. He sat in the Jeep for a minute until he felt stable enough to drive home. He sent Will a text so he wouldn't worry and headed for the apartment he now shared with his brother.
/
Will had heated them up a pizza and got one beer each. That's all he was allowing Jay, knowing alcohol had been his crutch after the Rangers. He wanted his brother to open up to him and not fall back into old habits.
He heard Jay's key in the door and let out a sigh. "I got pizza, beer and Hawks opener," he yelled from the living room.
"'Kay. I'm gonna change," Jay called and Will could hear the tiredness in his brothers voice.
In just a minute Jay joined him. He took the beer and didn't even attempt the pizza. His eyes fixed on the tv but Will wasn't sure he was actually watching.
"Jay. I'm here ok? You're not alone."
"I know," he finally sighed rakinghis hand through his hair. "I just keep wondering if I could've done something different ya know?"
"I know," Will said giving his arm a squeeze. "But I don't even know what happened so I can't help."
Jay was quiet for a bit and Will wasn't sure he would even tell him. "I was under fire. Two offenders. Civilians had already been shot. I took cover behind a car and fired back. The bullet... hit the offender, went through a wall and hit the girl... It... it was a "daycare" no one knew about. If we'd known..."
"Jay stop. You can't 'what if' it ok? You did what you could to stop some one from killing you or anyone else. You did what you are trained to do."
"Yea," he sighed. They settled in silence; Will knowing when to push and when to not.
"At least the Hawks are winning," Will said after a bit trying to push a plate of pizza to Jay.
"Yea," Jay said with a small smirk ignoring the pizza. After a minute he turned to Will and sighed.
"What?" Will asked wrapping his arm around his brother giving his shoulder a squeeze.
"Thank you," Jay said laying his head on Will's shoulder.
"For what? I didn't save her Jay. I couldn't," Will said wishing with everything in him he could have saved the girl to save his brother this pain.
"You were there. All day. Even when I tried to blame you." The unsaid 'you normally wouldn't be there because I pushed you away,' hung between them until Will reassured him.
"I get it buddy. I told you. I was gonna be here. And I am. You're not in this alone Jay."
"Thanks to you big brother. You're all I've got left."
"Im gonna be here Jay," Will said giving his head a ruffle and hiding his smile. Jay was gonna be ok. Even after this shitty day, Jay would be ok. They watched the game quietly and it wasn't until it was over and the Hawks won that Will realized Jay had fallen asleep on him. He settled in a little more, grabbing a quilt from their mama they'd tossed on the back of the couch and covered Jay up.
"Sweet dreams little brother," he whispered before closing his eyes to sleep too. It'd been a long day for them both, and they'd come a long way in the years. It felt good to be there for each other again. Their mama would be happy. And with that Will was out too.
Hope you enjoyed. This is gonna be all Halstead brothers. Any requests or suggestions are accepted. Also thoughts about the chapters appreciated too.
