The only thing Sasuke had ever been sure of his whole life was that he would do anything for Itachi.
"You always follow after Itachi." His mother remarked at dinner one night. "Even when you were a baby you were always watching him."
Something about the way her voice sounded left him with nothing to say.
Fugaku peered at Sasuke over the top of his newspaper because he was always watching. "Nothing's really changed then."
Itachi didn't say anything because he wasn't there.
He wasn't there a lot anymore.
Lately it felt like Sasuke was waiting in the spaces between his brother's homecomings. Come late afternoon, he would settle on the front step and watch the main road. People would walk past and give him the same appraising stares they always did and he would glare back. Hours passed like this, until the wind bit at his legs and the sky was as dark as his eyes. Then Mikoto would pull him inside even as he bared his teeth at her.
Without Itachi, their family was such a disjointed thing.
Sasuke couldn't stand it. Every day that passed in that space between twisted his insides into knots. He said less and less and kept out of trouble as much as possible. His presence seemed to shrink just so that he could inhabit the house with his parents without something breaking. He knew things weren't supposed to be like this. But for Sasuke knowing and understanding were two paths that never crossed.
So it was inevitable one day, that something did break.
The three of them sat around the table eating breakfast very carefully not looking at each other. It made his skin itch and he held onto the fact that he'd be starting at the Academy in a couple days. If Itachi graduated in one year, then so could he. They would do missions together and Sasuke would save up enough money to go somewhere else, anywhere else.
"Do you love me?"
His mind went blank.
His mother stared at him with a look in her eyes that he could only describe as want.
"Do you love me?" she repeated and though Fugaku gave her a sharp look, he too rested his eyes on Sasuke waiting for an answer.
His insides were not so much knots as they were snakes biting, constricting, and filling him with disgust and the inability to breathe.
He could not think of anything to say except-
Did not even think not to say-
"No."
He did not look at her face, did not look at his father. He could feel the walls moving in to crush him so acutely. He leapt from the table and ran as if he were being chased,
Sasuke didn't stop running until he left the clan compound and even then only slowed to a walk. He walked past the villagers who didn't look at him so much as through him. He met the eyes of the only person who knew what that felt like and walked past him too. He walked past the village gates and into the trees.
Loose twigs and rocks scraped at his bare feet and for a moment he regretted leaving his shoes behind and then immediately thought it was for the better. Lingering even a moment longer would have been a mistake. Going back would be a bigger one.
Eventually he came upon a golden field of grass that grew taller than his head. Sasuke let himself collapse into the dirt and just laid there looking at the sky.
He watched hawks wheel in and out of the air and felt the rustle of other animals rummaging around him. The cicadas murmured along with the wind as the tension left his body. He didn't think about how much easier it was to be here, wild and nameless, than to be home. If he thought about it, he wouldn't be able to contain the anger that burned like a star in his chest.
Sasuke stayed in that field, even as the hawks were replaced by owls and his stomach rumbled.
He never wanted to talk again.
He was so tired of not knowing the right thing to say.
He couldn't imagine going back to a place where they wanted something he didn't know how to give in the first place.
Sasuke didn't notice his brother until he was sitting down next to him, eyes fixed on the stars.
Sasuke, who never had the time for kindness, asked. "What do you want?"
"Are you upset with me?" Itachi asked in return.
"Don't be stupid."
Itachi hummed thoughtfully and Sasuke tilted his head to look at him. His brother still had his mission pack slung over a shoulder and his eyes had dark bags under them. It filled Sasuke with a strange joy to know that his brother had come after him as soon as he got home. The joy didn't outlast the shame.
"It's ok if you are. I'm still going to be here for you." His brother smiled like being hated was something acceptable.
"What do you want?" Sasuke asked again, voice on the edge of some emotion he couldn't name. "What do you really want."
Because it was Itachi, he understood exactly what he was being asked.
"The world is wrong,"he said softly like a secret, "and I want to change it. I will change it."
"You wanna be the Hokage. No, even bigger than that. You want to be the Kage."
Itachi smiled a true smile this time. The kind that came from being known.
"Yeah."
Of course his brother would want something so grand, something so impossible. Itachi was always something more in a way other people could never hope to be.
Sasuke couldn't help but think how different they were.
"What about you Sasuke? What do you want?"
He closed his eyes, fingers digging into the dirt beneath him. For a second he just imagined a life without a headband in his future and a fan on his back. He imagined the sun on his skin, the wind in his ears and all the world to roam.
All his life, he had been sure of only one thing.
Sasuke stood up. "I want to help you."
Itachi stood up as well. "You don't have to."
"I will!"
Itachi poked him in the forehead like he always did and said, "Let's go home."
Mikoto was waiting for them at the front could feel the snakes come back to life inside him. Itachi grabbed his hand and squeezed it lightly and Sasuke found that he could breathe again.
"I saved some food for you both, but you should wash up first." She laughed a little, "What were you doing? Playing around in the dirt?"
"I think I'm just going to sleep Mother. I have a critical mission coming up," Itachi said. He gave Sasuke a nod, before letting go of his hand and walking into the house.
Mikoto stayed there, looking at Sasuke who had no clue what to say to her.
Finally she sighed and said, "You know, I think he would do anything for you."
Sasuke thought she was probably wasn't wrong.
"But that doesn't mean you should ask him to."
That probably wasn't wrong either.
Sasuke didn't think Itachi was capable of hatred. Irritation he could imagine. Perhaps even anger at his worst. Itachi cared too much about other people and understanding. He didn't fight unless he had to and was kind. Above all else, Itachi was good.
Hatred, malice and violence were more suited to Sasuke than anyone else.
Yet here Itachi was, standing above three other Uchiha looking for all the world like he would like nothing better than to kill them.
Something in him thrilled at the idea that maybe they weren't so different after all.
"The clan, the clan," Itachi mocked, "You overestimate your abilities and fail to see the depth of mine, and as a result you're crawling."
Sasuke had scoffed when they had accused Itachi of killing Shisui. No way his brother could do that. Especially to Shisui who was his best friend in the world. But now, hearing Itachi shout, It's foolish to fear what we've yet to see and know, he thought maybe he could believe it.
"Stop it Itachi!" Fugaku yelled as he arrived on the scene, "Stop it already. Just what in the world is wrong? You've been acting strange lately."
Where before he had been burning with rage, Itachi now spoke with words like ice. "Nothing's wrong. I'm just carrying out my duty."
"Then why did you not come to the meeting last night?"
His brother paused. "...In order to reach the height…"
"The what?"
A kunai slid from Itachi's hands and flew into the wall, fracturing the clan symbol.
Sasuke could no longer focus on their conversation. His heart was beating too loud and excitement welled up inside him. Itachi had finally given up on the clan and they could both leave before the fan on their back was etched into their skin.
"Enough of this! Captain order the arrest."
His father and the Uchiha clansmen stood on one end and Itachi waited on the other. Sasuke ran towards his brother and spun facing the others, fists raised. The baring of his teeth threatened to become a savage grin. Fugaku activated his sharingan and stared down his sons.
"Is that your weapon of choice Itachi?"
Suddenly Sasuke was drowning in red. The ground fell out for beneath him and he fell with it. Those eyes always looking at him like that. Those cursed eyes that made the star inside his chest explode with fury and the urge to roar. It wasn't real. None of it was real, but he couldn't move, couldn't save himself.
Itachi placed a hand on his shoulder and saved him instead.
"He's my brother."
Words said in such a gentle tone that Sasuke very nearly couldn't bear it.
And Itachi stepped in front of him, his own eyes sharingan bright.
"I didn't kill Shisui and I apologize for my words. But if you ever do that to Sasuke again, you will regret it Father."
Silence reigned as Fugaku and Itachi regarded one another. Itachi was only almost twelve and a head shorter than his father. Yet the truth of those words couldn't be contested.
"Enough, we're done here." At the incredulous looks his subordinates gave him, Fugaku added, "I'll take responsibility of them. Please."
"Understood sir."
The three sent glares toward the brothers as they dispersed. Their father sighed and motioned for them to follow him inside. Neither of them made a move and he left them standing there.
Sasuke thought that he would not mind being a weapon if it meant he wouldn't be so sinfully weak in front of his brother. His arms ached with uselessness and the anger still spun chaotically inside. He shrugged off Itachi's hand and kept his eyes down.
"Sasuke."
It sounded like everything he could never understand.
"I know," Sasuke said.
He knew a lot of things. Sasuke knew that something was wrong with him. He remembered being young, looking in the mirror trying to find exactly what. His dark eyes and hair were like any other Uchiha's and his pale skin was a throwback to his mother. So then he knew it had to be something he couldn't see. Once upon a time he imagined his parents huddled around him as a child, his chest split open so that they could see the rotten thing inside him that made him less.
He knew that despite this, Itachi cared about him anyway.
"You don't have to do that for me," Sasuke muttered, "You shouldn't."
Itachi looked so much older, so much more tired than he did months ago in that field.
"It's just the two of us. I'll always be there for you even if it's just as wall you need to climb over. That's what big brothers are for."
Sasuke didn't know what to say to that. Didn't know what to do when his brother slowly walked away from him into the house. Eventually he pulled the kunai out of the wall and cradled it in his hands.
Again he thought, I could be a weapon.
When his mother apologized to him, Sasuke didn't believe it. He almost bolted out of the room.
She looked him in the eyes for the first time he could remember and said, "I know we've been horrible to each other. What you are, that's not your fault and I was wrong to treat you like that. I didn't act like a mother."
She spoke earnestly, her face lit up.
"Things are going to change for us. Your father and I, we thought that we could start over and be a real family. No more secrets. No more hurting each other."
"What if that's not enough?" he asked, "What if you're too late?"
Mikoto held his face with one hand and smiled. "Then we keep trying."
Sasuke recoiled from her violently. "Don't lie to me."
"I'm not-"
"You are." he all but roared.
This time when he walked away from her he didn't feel guilty. Besides the anger, he didn't feel much of anything towards her anymore.
Itachi was sitting down on the front step when Sasuke went to leave.
"Brother," he started and stopped as Itachi looked over his shoulder at him.
The oldest memory Sasuke had was of Itachi crying. His eyes had become sharingan red for the first time and tears fell from his face. It was eerie how quiet he had been, looking at his hands as if they weren't quite real.
Itachi was looking at him the same way as he did that day even though his eyes were dry.
Sasuke opened his mouth and could not find words.
"If you want to train you should just ask Father. I don't have time to watch you today."
Itachi rose and made to leave but Sasuke had flung himself across the space between them, fingers twisting into his brother's shirt. His eyes were shut so tight it hurt and he was shaking. But he couldn't cry because crying was weak and here and now he could not afford to be weak.
There were so many things he wanted to say.
What do you want me to do? What do you need me to do Itachi? What am I? Why can't I help you like you help me?
Why would you say you're always going to be there when you're always walking away from me?
Itachi….
Maybe we are wrong and I don't know how to change.
Sasuke couldn't say anything because he never knew the right thing to say. All he could do was grit his teeth and hope to keep the howls inside from splitting him open.
Itachi pulled Sasuke's fingers from his shirt and said very softly, "I have to go."
Sasuke gathered his hands into fists and walked past Itachi because he deserved to be left behind for once.
A couple blocks down he turned around and ran back but Itachi was already gone.
The moon hung low and full by the time Sasuke made his way home. It sent shivers across his skin and he knew that he wasn't going to sleep tonight.
He rounded the corner and his home turned into a warzone. Bodies littered the street, every single one of them an Uchiha.
(The clan, the clan)
The first thing he thought was, leave them. The second wasn't really a thought but blood roaring in his ears and his feet pounding across the ground.
(Nothing's wrong. I'm just carrying out my duty.)
His house was the only one left untouched in the compound. He ran around back and threw open the door to his parent's room and-
(Forgive me, Sasuke.)
And-
(Itachi you really love…
.
.
.
.
...lying don't you?)
What happened in his parent's bedroom didn't matter.
What mattered was that the universe asked Sasuke a question and he had to answer.
He knew what he would choose before even walking in. Because sometimes a choice isn't just made in your head, it lives in your blood. The kind of choice that was like a kunai in your hand. The kind you have to make in order to keep on living. The kind that are worse than fate.
All his life Sasuke had been sure of only one thing.
And so Sasuke met Itachi's eyes over the cooling corpses of their parents. He finally found the words he'd needed hours earlier.
"Don't go."
