Here's that one shot I told y'all about.
A complete bastardization of everything H.P Lovecraft worked to create.
Old bastard is probably making earthquakes in his grave.
Love ya H.P
Thestorystartshere
Crazy, Stupid, Insane Love
The year is 2033. Humanity has progressed in medicines and technology, but the world remains largely unchanged. Still popular are the works of H.P Lovecraft, the famous horror writer. Our tale starts in a quaint fishing town in Massachusetts. It is a town that holds dark secrets and a darker past.
A town called Innsmouth.
Thisisatransition
A motorcycle gunned down the scenic highway. The fog did little to hinder the driver. He knew his way by now. At least he should have after hundreds of years. He had no helmet. He didn't need it. He never crashed and felt little pain. Innsmouth's gate came into view and he allowed himself a small smirk.
He drove down the Main Street until he came to his destination. The Inn. He expertly slid to a stop in front of it and turned off his bike. He stepped off and streched his arms. He moved the goggles from their position on his eyes to his forehead. His features were rather odd. Sea green hair and black eyes, an strong attractive face. He wore a leather jacket over a sea green tee shirt. Jeans and simple boots that fit snugly. No mortal could guess who he was.
Cthulhu smirked as he watched the hustle and bustle of the small town. Various tourists came in droves to see the famous town. Little did the fools know just how real their supposed fiction was.
It had actually become routine for the some of the old ones. Take on human forms and 'vacation' in Innsmouth. Cthulhu usually arrived first. After visiting Arkham and Dunwich first of course. Dagon would show up late. The fool fishing half the fish of the sea before realizing he was supposed to be somewhere.
Yog Sothoth would arrive and with him, hell on earth. His beloved 'daughter' Idh-yaa, Also known as "Cthulhu's sadistic, insane girlfriend". Idh-yaa tried to control every aspect of the Dragon-squid-octopus-man-god's life. All he would be trying to do was have a nice peaceful nap for a few thousand years and dream of making every creature in the universe with half a brain cell go insane, but no. She nagged him to no end to spend more time with her. Yog was fiercely over protective of her and Cthulhu learned quickly to sleep with one eye open in case he "visited" in the middle of the night for a "talk".
Hastur usually came, but solemnly interacted with them. Shub-niggureth would sometimes come, if only to keep Yog from killing her favorite grandson. The only new thing that would happen this time would be a addition to the motly crew.
Nyarlathotep. Even though the Crawling Chaos was the most active in the human world, he never came on these trips with them. Cthulhu was glad (though he'd never admit it) when Nyarl had accepted his invitation. In the great old one's opinion, Nyarl was his favorite outer god. He knew how to fully appreciate the ways of insanity and the two would often spend hours pranking the others with Nyarl's zombies.
Cthulhu made his way into the inn and to the front desk. He noticed with cruel pleasure the sight before him. A young girl was organizing her various bags on a luggage dolly. She didn't look any older than him in his current form. She had pale white skin and even whiter hair. She was dressed in a simple black skirt that ended just above her knees and a bright yellow sweater. Her golden eyes sparkled in frustration. He snickered and made his way over to her.
"S'cuse me miss, but do ya need a hand"
She turned to him and smiled softly.
"Yes, thank you. This one here is quite heavy"
Of course to him the bag would be light as air, but as he reached down for it he had to admit it had some weight to it and he stumbled more than he had intended. After he had loaded it onto the dolly he leaned against it, confidently
"So, first time in Innsmouth?" He asked
"Yep" she replied enthusiastically "I've always wanted to visit this town, never got a chance to till now"
Poor fool
"I always visit this town, my ...erm... Friend basically runs it" he wouldn't exactly call Dagon a "friend"
"So how come you decided to visit now?"
"Oh, a bunch of my friends visit often too, this year my best friend asked me to come with them, so I said yes, but their not here yet"
"They might not be here till tomorrow, fog's pretty bad" of course they wouldn't find their friend when they came.
"Oh, I can wait, as long as the service here is good"
He couldn't hold his chuckle of amusement
"You have no idea"
Thisisatransition
The clerk came back with the girl's room key and she collected her bags and went towards the elevator, giving him a small wave as she went. He felt a little bad. She was a nice girl, cute too. It was a shame his cultists would kill her in her sleep that night. Oh well, that's what you get for not knowing the mythos well enough. He approached the counter and muttered in his own tongue the code to let the attendant know who he was. After obtaining the key to his suite he went back outside to gather his things and properly park his bike.
He had to hand it to the humans. They built some pretty rad shit. His bike (lovingly nicknamed Ryleh) was one of his most prized possessions, right after his Xbox. Cthulhu had fallen in love with human games and most likely owned every system known to man, most of the games too. He had even played all the games made about him too. He surprisingly enjoyed the cartoony "Cthulhu Saves the World". Though he would never do it himself, saving the world and beating the shit out of Dagon and Azzy was actually pretty fun. He had even toyed with the idea of trying to find an alternate reality in which such a heroic, snarky Cthulhu was running around with two hot babes, a talking sword, a wizard, an alien cat, and a Dragon. At least until Hastur told him that even if he did find a world like that, the good Cthulhu would probably be obligated by some hero code to battle the evil one. He had also played some other game about elder gods, but all he remembered from that one was "Pargon Pargon Pargon Pargon"
All of the old ones had become addicted to something in their human forms. Dagon liked extreme sports fishing and never went anywhere without his rod, tackle box, and a stupid hat with a superfluous amount of hooks on it. Hastur oddly began to consume large amounts of chocolate and coffee products, poor bastard probably had sugar and caffeine in him to keep entire cities full of people up and energized. Shub-Niggureth fell in love with human food, whenever Cthulhu saw his grandmother in human form, she usually had her face in some sort of food container, and was usually pregnant. Yog-Sothoth declared himself as "the most metal thing ever" and purchased a large amount of apparel and accessories featuring skulls, the Gate and Key of the Universe sometimes proved to be more idiotic than his grandfather. Surprisingly, Idh-yaa took up botany, and was quite Goode at it too. She specialized in growing various forms of kelp and seaweed. She then turned around and used her talent to use that kelp for the most unspeakable tortures. How unspeakable? More unspeakable than Hastur.
He sometimes pondered on how they all became addicted to such things and eventually figured it was the fault of their human forms. He remembered his first week in his new body, in hindsight he probably should have asked Nyarl about the functions of humans. Idh-yaa had bent down to pick something up and Cthulhu was amazed on how humans had the power to magically change the angle of the front of their pants. Iddy had given him the kelp 'therapy' for the rest of the week.
Thisisatransition
When he opened the door to the suite, he felt something was off. When did this room share a conjoining door with the other room? He checked the room number. Room 666, like it was supposed to be. He opened the door, and saw that the other door was slightly ajar. He pushed it open and saw a bag lying open on the bed and heard the shower running in the bath room. He noticed the bag was the same bag he helped load onto a dolly not fifteen minutes ago. The girl from before. He opened the bag wider and raised an eyebrow at the contents.
It was filled with manga books and anime DVDs. He sorted through the various titles. Full Metal Panic, Needless, Infinite Stratos, Darker than Black, Soul Eater, Deadman Wonderland, Chrome Shelled Regios. He only recognized one title that he had seen, Gurren Lagaan (it was pretty hype, he had to admit) when he noticed an odd pattern, each title had at least one girl character with white or silver hair. Two more DVDs caught his eye. One was titled "Haiyore! Nyaruko-San" and featured a girl with silver hair (surprise) and a black dress on the cover. He tossed it back in the bag with little thought. The second one however, "Angel Beats", startled him. Sitting on the cover were two characters. A girl that looked exactly like the girl from before, which didn't bother him, he had heard about cosplay before. What bothered him was the male character. He looked. Exactly. Like. Cthulhu. If Cthulhu was a ginger. Cthulhu's mind was boggled, so boggled he didn't notice that the water in the bathroom had stopped. That was until two small arms wrapped around him from behind.
"Tulu-Chaaaaan" a voice whispered seductivly in his ear "Don't you know it's bad to invade a lady's privacy"
Cthulu whipped around and nearly fainted. Standing dripping wet in nothing but a towel was the girl from before. Water drops slid down her long legs and the short, thin towel didn't leave much to imagine. The great old one tried to back out into his own room, stuttering apologies, until he uncharacteristically tripped and fell on his ass. He tried to scoot back through the door.
"I-I'm so s-sorry miss"
He had made it past his door when she got on her knees and began crawling towards him, hunger in her golden eyes.
"Tulu-chan, don't you recognize me" she purred
She was almost on top of him, hovering just over "that place". Damn human body and it's urges. Did he know her from somewhere? Was she like him?
"I only came cause you asked me"
It couldn't be
"N-Nyarl"
He was up against the wall now and was scrambling to get up. She nodded her head gleefully.
"Ding ding, we have a winner. Do you like this mask? I look just like Kanade-chan, and you look just like Yuzuru-kun"
"I didn't realize you were into that Japanese shit"
" Well, I was a giant tentacle beast after all"
Good to know she still had the Nyarlathotep style sense of humor.
He was standing now. She was too, and pinning him to the wall, tracing a heart shape over his chest with her finger.
"I always like the ones with pairings involving white haired girls. But Kanade was my favorite."
"Why are you..." She shushed him with her finger.
"I was so glad when you invited me Tulu-chan. So very, very glad"
She raised her head and cupped his face in her hand. He noted that her hair smelt like cherries and her lips looked soft and...
"...And even if you didn't mean to, which I highly doubt, Knock before you enter a room"
He blinked in confusion. Nyarl was glaring up at him arms crossed. That's when he noticed the room's third occupant. Idh-yaa, who was staring at the pair with a raised eyebrow.
"You think just cause you're the god of insanity you can go wherever you please and get a free show"
"Sorry" he sighed
"You better be" she smacked his cheek and turned to Idh-yaa "Your idiot boyfriend tried to peep on me in the shower" she explained before stomping off to her room in a huff.
That must have been it. He must have been imagining things due to exhaustion (or insanity) and Nyarl had been chewing him out, not trying to f-f-f-u... Do stuff with him.
"Did he now" Idh-yaa suddenly spoke up "guess I'll just have to teach him a lesson in loyalty then" she said darkly, her pink hair casting a shadow over her face. It was going to be painful to night
"Okay, but please Iddy, not the kelp, anything but the kelp. No. NO. PLEASE IDDY, NOT THE KELP! NOT THE KELP"
Thisisatransition
"So how did you sleep last night after your kelp 'therapy', Cthulhu"
Cthulhu was in no mood for Dagon today. The brown haired fisherman had his arm around Cthulhu's shoulder And had a Cheshire Cat sized grin on his face, his trade mark fishing hat was on the table next to his plate, his black eyes twinkled.
In all honesty, torture aside, Cthulhu had slept well. Except for one instance where he woke up and swore he saw Nyarl in the door way, gazing hungrily at him, but he shook it off as his imagination again.
He had come down to breakfast where he found Dagon, Hastur, and Shub-Niggurath sitting around the table. Hastur in his yellow hoodie only his mouth visible, staring into his coffe like it was the god damn Mona Lisa, Shub had her long black hair pulled into a ponytail so it wouldn't get in the way as she cramed plate after plate of food down her throat. She was probably pregnant. Again. Dagon's trademark shit eating grin grew wider when he saw Cthulhu. How the fucker found out about last night was beyond even him.
"Dagon, has anyone ever told you, your an asshole"
"You have, multiple times"
Cthulhu had just about enough of the Deep One's antics. Dagon was such a pain. Let a guy use your cultists to make fish-man hybrids and it turns out he's a complete dick.
"Sooooooooooooo, Tulu-chan" Dagon started before he said bluntly "Is Nyarl hot?"
"P-pardon"
"You know, is she hot? Cute? Drop dead sexy"
"Where are you going with this"
"Would you do her, man"
"I don't know what your talking about" Cthulhu choked a little on his milk
"You know, would you take out your..."
Cthulhu got up and grabbed his milk and pancakes. He went into the kitchen and dumped them down the drain. His appetite was gone. Nyarl was his best friend. There was no way he would think about that, even if she was a girl at the moment. She would be male in her Crawling Chaos form, right. Right. Cthulhu had heard that some of the outer gods could change gender on a whim, or had no gender at all, but Nyarl couldn't do that, right.
Then there was Yog Sothoth. If he had any inclination that Cthulhu was cheating on or going to leave Idh-yaa, both of them would make sure the great old one fully understood the human concept of eternal pain and suffering.
He was stirred from his thoughts by the door opening. Dagon was probably back to force an answer out of him
"Look, I don't think about Nyarl like..."
"Don't think about me like what"
He stumbled back against the sink. Nyarl stood there, her outfit was less than appropriate. A dark blue skirt barley covering her thighs. Navy stockings just coming up to her knees. She wore a white hoodie over a bright pink tank top with a picture of an overly happy white and orange hampster on it. Not too revealing, but a little thin for such a chilly area. Her hair was done in a simple pony tail that ended just past the middle of her shoulders.
"Don't think about me like what?"she repeated
"I-I thought you were Dagon. Look I'm sorry about Yesterday. I was just confused about why there was a door connecting our rooms." He tried to explain, but his words were blurring together "itwasnevertherebeforeandijus thadtoseewhereitwentbutifoun dyourstuffandwasconfusedbyit thenisawthisonecharecterthat lookedlikemeanditwaskindasca ryididntmeantopeepandiveneve rthoughtpervertedthoughtsabo utyousopleasedonthitmelikeid dydoes." He braced himself for the coming smack or punch but was surprised when he heard her giggle
"Don't worry, I won't hit you Tulu-chan, but I never thought I was a good enough actress to actually fool you into thinking you were peeping on me"
He blinked in confusion "what?"
"I'm more powerful than you think Tulu-chan. Powerful enough that even your cultists would do what I say, like, I don't know, taking a long time to fetch my room key so that you would help me with my bags, or setting up Dagon with video and audio recordings of our little 'adventure' last night, or even knocking out a wall and putting a door in so my room would be connected to yours"
She was up against him again
"Now where were we?"
She wrapped her arms around his neck and stood on her tiptoes. Their lips almost met, when the worst thing that could happen, happened
"I swear Daddy, he almost never looks at me, but he'll try to bone a Shoggoth if it was in a skirt"
"Don't worry dear, I'll sit down and have a nice long talk with that..."
And that was when Idh-yaa and Yog Sothoth walked in.
Thisisatransition
Cthulhu couldn't remember exactly what happened next. He vaguely remembers pointing in a random direction and shouting "DISTRACTION" and Iddy and Yog, still shocked from what they saw, actually turned to look. He also remembers grabbing Nyarl's arm and jumping out the window, which was conveniently right in front of his bike. He then remembers tossing her his emergency helmet and yelling "GET ON"
Which would explain why he was blasting down the road at 100 MPH.
"I'm so dead. I'm so dead. I'm so dead" he muttered like a mantra. The wind was whipping in his eyes, but he didn't put his riding goggles on. He needed the pain. It was all he could trust right now.
He wasn't imagining that. His best friend had tried to kiss him. How was he supposed to react? Things were so much simpler before that blasted man wrote those blasted stories. All he had to do was sleep in his underwater city, occasionally waking up when the planets aligned and his cultists summoned him. Then he would wreck shit and cause widespread anarchy before eventually getting bored and going back to sleep.
But then H.P came along and he became a sensation. Everybody knew his name. He had become some pop culture icon. A god damn myth. He was no longer a god. People sold fricken plushies of him for fhtagn's sake. He was nothing more than a story. He was nothing, period.
A tightening around his waist reminded him of his passenger. He loosened his grip on the accelerator and allowed the speed to decrease. Her grip loosened and her head settled on his back. He drove for a little longer before happening upon a small beach. Cthulu stopped the bike and got off. He heard Nyarl do the same and remover her helmet, placing it on the seat. They walked out onto the sand and Cthulhu turned to face her. Her head was down, but he could tell she was about to cry.
"Cthulhu" she started hesitantly, not using her selected pet name for him, like a child about to be punished "I did something bad, didn't I?"
He sighed.
"Not necessarily, no. Just explain why you did it."
She hesitated
"You're my best friend" she started "you were always nice to me. Even if you were a little stuck up. When you were awake, you always hung out with me. You accepted me. You even gave me my nickname."
He remembered that. It was when he first met the crawling chaos. Nicknames were usually covered by Dagon, but...
"Nyarltha-what-a-what. That's far too long. I shall refer to you as Nyarl instead. Great Cthulhu has spoken"
"You could appreciate chaos. You could make people go insane just by being around them. You saw the true beauty in it. I was always so lonely when you slept. No one else was as fun as you."
He did enjoy the occasional zombie plague. He didn't realize Nyarl thought of him so highly though. He felt like a cool older brother.
"Then Idh-yaa came along and snatched you up, but you weren't happy. I could tell you were happier with me or the others, but Iddy and Yoggy kept you on such a short leash."
That was true. He always preferred to be around Nyarl, or even Hastur and Dagon, than his psychopathic girlfriend and her even crazier father.
"Slowly I began to feel weird around you. My tentacles became wobbly, and I felt warmer. I even changed my gender to a girl because I thought you'd spend more time with me. You didn't notice though. Even when everyone else did, or when Dagon started hitting on me"
How could he not have noticed his best friend completely changing sex? Was he just that comfortable around her that he didn't care. He did notice Dagon's advances, though he chalked it up to Dagon being Dagon
"So how about I put my fish men in your cultists"
"I didn't know why I was doing it. It was hopeless, but still..."
"Still, what?"
"Every time you called me Nyarl, I could have sworn you were saying...you were saying..." She choked
"Saying what?" He coaxed
She whispered the next part quietly, but he still heard her.
"I love you"
Cthulhu's eyes widened. Love. He was incapable of human love. All of them were. Marriages between them were for the sole purpose of reproducing or creating Eldricth Abominations. Still, he always felt better around Nyarl. Like he could do anything. Well, he could do anything, but you know what I mean.
"I just wanted to be with you" she said after a long pause "Was that so wrong?"
She started to cry then. Sobbing silently, her head down, shoulders shaking. Dark spots appeared in the sand by her feet.
He thought this over. How could he, the god of Insanity, be so utterly stupid? It was Nyarl. It had always been Nyarl. Even when he didn't know it, Nyarl was always there. When he wanted to cause chaos for fun he always went to Nyarl, when he needed to escape Idh-yaa or Yog he always went to Nyarl, when Dagon was trying to steal his cultists and he wanted revenge he always went to Nyarl, or during those rare moments when he felt like an embryo floating around in an endless sea he always went to Nyarl. He needed her. He didn't know this feeling. He just knew he needed her.
"Nyarl, I have a hunch, but I'm not sure. If I'm wrong I probably have gone insane or I'm actually still sleeping in Ryleh, but if I am, then I don't want to wake up and be sane, because..." He grabbed her shoulders and made her look at him, they were awfully close "I think I might be in love with you"
He closed the distance between them. The moment Nyarlathotep had waited for so long to happen. She was still crying, but they were happy tears now. For the first time in a long time, she was happy.
Thisisatransition
It was close to noon now. They had both been sitting on the beach, neither had said a word. Technically, they were cuddling (Cthulhu would deny any such acts) she was sitting in his lap, head against his chest, when she suddenly spoke up
"Soooooooo" she began "want to do that again"
"The kiss?" He asked awkwardly "Or the...stuff we did after"
She blushed a deep red.
"The kiss of course. Do you think I put out all the time?"
Cthulhu had heard that humans were the only species in the world that felt pleasure during reproduction. He scoffed at it back then, but now...lets just say it was the first time he was envious of the humans.
"N-no, but I don't mind kissing you again"
"Then do it and I might forgive you"
He gladly obliged. Both of them were on sky 10 or whatever the humans called it. At least until voices came from the bushes.
"Aww, my little Cthulhu has finally grown up"
"Awwwwwwww yeaaaaaaaa, I think I some some tongue there man"
"I foresaw this in my coffee this morning"
Both of them quickly parted and their eyes shot over towards the shrubbery, where Dagon, Hastur, and Shub-Niggureth were hiding, albeit very poorly. Yet the three continued on as if everything was fine.
"I remember when he was just a hatchling, still blubbering insane garble. It was before he learned to make other people do it for him"
"No way man, really!?"
"The coffee never lies, it is unlike the cake. You and Yeb now owe me a large sum of currency"
Cthulhu shot up steaming mad.
"YOU IDIOTS WERE BETTING ON THIS! WAIT, HOW MUCH DID YOU SEE?
The three nonchalantly turned to the angry great old one.
"Oh, hey man" Dagon greeted "We got here about ten minutes ago"
Cthulhu sighed in relief. They didn't see that then. He was also relieved that it was only these three and not...
"CTHULHU"
"Fhtagn" he muttered
Out of the forest came crashing a tall man. He had wild red hair and a black eyes. He wore an overcoat with skulls on the shoulders and instead of buttons there were miniature skulls. Following him was a very angry pinkette. Her red eyes were burning in anger her red dress was covered in leaves.
"YOUR GOING TO GET THE KELP EACH NIGHT FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE EXISTANCE"
"AND I'M GOING TO HELP HER YOU TWO-TIMING SACK OF SHANTAK BILE"
Idh-yaa raised her hands above her head and formed a ball of chaotic energy. Yog Sothoth pulled his fists back and they began glowing.
Cthulhu's wings sprouted from his back and he used them to cover himself and Nyarl. He pulled her close, ready to die for her.
The two attacks rushed forward and Cthulhu knew he wouldn't be able to block both of them.
"I love you Nyarl" was all he could manage.
Suddenly the balls of pure chaos stopped in mid air, combined together, and imploded. Everyone was shocked and all was silent until the girlish shriek of terror coming from Dagon split the air.
"What's he doing here!?"
They all turned to look at the interloper. He was slowly and clumsily making his way towards the group. He was large. Bigger than Yog. He was wearing an odd overcoat that seemed to have weights attached to it. Heavy chains were wrapped around his wrists and ankles. He had a greasy mess of black hair. He wore small headphones, and everyone knew that they were blaring flute music constantly. He was whistling a happy tune from a radio song. He came up to Nyarl and slowly raised his enormous hand and rested it on her head, ruffling her hair. She smiled up at the brute
"Hi, Daddy, why are you here"
He removed one of the buds from his ear and spoke slowly in a melancholic voice (think Eeyore)
"I like to walk this beach sometimes."
He placed the bud back in his ear a lowered his iPod's volume. Much to everyone's relief. If the other bud had come out, and he couldn't hear his flute music, he would become very upset. And when he was upset, universes had the tendency to explode.
"Daddy, you remember Cthulhu right?"
He nodded slowly
"Well, he and I are in a relationship now" she explained, despite sounds of protests coming from Idh-yaa, who was quickly silenced by Yog Sothoth's hand "is that all right?" She asked nervously.
The brute turned to Cthulhu, who gulped, and raised his massive arms. Cthulhu braced for the end, but the universe tearing pain never came. Instead he felt his spine being cracked by two large masses of flesh, muscle, and industrial chain. At least that kink was gone.
"Treat her well, son" the giant said before stomping off into the distance. Everyone was shocked. Especially Cthulhu, and with good reason.
After all, it wasn't every day that you got hugs from Azathoth.
After the embodiment of chaos had disappeared, Cthulhu turned to his girlfriend.
"Is he really okay with this" he asked
"It should be fine" she replied, unfortunately she carelessly added "As long as he doesn't find out that you fucked me"
She quickly slapped her hands over her mouth and both of them blushed beet red. The jaws of the other five human formed gods hung open. Idh-yaa's face slowly twisted in rage. Cthulhu sighed in exhaustion. He pointed in a random direction and yelled "DISTRACTION". He grabbed Nyarl's hand and dragged her back to his bike.
Once again they were gunning down the highway. Nyarl didn't have her helmet on and her hair was billowing behind them. A smile was spread across her face.
Cthulhu had always looked down on humans. He saw them as pitiable sacks of meat that clung blindly to their foolish emotions like love and happiness. Now, he wanted to be like them. He had tasted these emotions, and he wanted them all, even the bad ones. Just as long as he did it with Nyarl. His Nyarl. He would trade all of his powers and even Ryleh itself for her. Vaas could eat his heart out, because Cthulhu, after billions of years of thinking he knew what it was, had found out the real definition of insanity.
It was crazy stupid love.
Thisistheendofthestory
*finishes flame proofing all valuables*
Please don't kill me.
This story was meant more as a joke experiment than an actual story.
I have great respect for H.P Lovecraft and his mythos
I know Cthulhu (and the rest of them) would never say half or do 90% of what they do here.
I know Yog and Idh-yaa are not father and daughter.
I know Azathoth is nothing like Eeyore
I do not know why I made Hastur talk so wierd.
And most importantly...
I know Azathoth would never hug anything, and if he did, it would wither up and die...then explode.
This sort of has something to do with a big story I'm working on. So if you excuse me...
I'm off to hide in my impenetrable bunker of manly shame and cowardice
