Note: smex starts in Chapter Three. :) Enjoy! 3

Chapter One

For some time now, Abarai Renji had been having trouble sleeping. He couldn't remember exactly when his sleep had started to be disturbed by dreaming of Captain Kuchiki. But at some point, as he spent so much time watching him, admiring him and wanting to beat him, Renji found the quality of his observation had changed.

Kuchiki Byakuya's hair was straight, black and fine, like Rukia's, but more silky and alluring in the way it dripped down onto his neck and shoulders. On rare occasions when the wind caught it, the back of his neck was visible. The first time Renji saw that happen, he couldn't help a brief fantasy that entered his head about brushing his fine, silky hair aside and breathing in the skin on the back of his neck. And when he happened to glance at Byakuya's collar bone, he could only think about sliding his hands within to part his haori and shihakusho to see and feel what lay beneath.

Renji sighed in frustration as he tried to sleep once again. There was only one thing that seemed to help him sleep. Unfortunately, that thing made him feel so guilty he sometimes had trouble meeting his captain's gaze the next day.

On just such a morning, after Renji had self-medicated so to speak to thoughts of what lay beneath his captain's haori, Renji was called upon to escort Byakuya back to his office after a captain's meeting. He avoided eye contact when possible, but fortunately Kuchiki Byakuya rarely made eye contact to begin with unless he was angry. The two men walked together back toward the sixth division barracks, neither requiring conversation, when they passed a few members of the fourth division in the street. Renji wasn't paying attention to their conversation until a particular phrase struck him like being slapped in the face.

"But they're both men, aren't they?"

Renji felt muscles in the back of his neck begin to tense. Captain Kuchiki didn't falter in his gait, so Renji wasn't sure he had even heard. He was a cautious and observant person, but Renji also doubted he'd be interested in the gossip of the plebs. For Renji though, a familiar fear that he'd grown up with forced him to continue paying attention even as they walked. The fourth division were walking slower but in the same direction, and hadn't noticed the two officers yet.

"Yeah. Captain Unohana caught them together in a storage closet. They say they're in love, but the captain was still furious that they let it interfere with work. Now she's talking about transferring one of them to a different division."

"Ugh. Can't she transfer both? I don't want one of them sneaking up on me in the shower."

That was it. The typical response. Even so, rather than getting used to it, each time hearing the same bigoted thing just increased the burning feeling at the back of his neck. As always, it was being caught between the urge to lash out or flee, while knowing neither was really an option. Renji glanced cautiously at Captain Kuchiki's face to see if he had any opinion about what they'd just overheard.

A very slight indentation of disapproval had formed between his brows, but in a moment it was wiped away. The captain merely muttered, "Shameful."

Renji couldn't find words to answer at first. It was a shock that not only had the captain been listening, but that he apparently viewed people like Renji as shameful. But then again, Renji needed little reminder of how lowly Byakuya thought of him. He thought things might have changed a little since Renji had revealed his bankai, but obviously there were more problems between them than just Renji being a stray dog and Byakuya being the moon.

"Forgive me for speaking out of turn, Captain," Renji muttered. Captain Kuchiki glanced at him, apparently surprised he was speaking up at all. "But it's not good to be overheard saying discriminatory things. You never know who may be hurt and lose faith in your leadership from hearing such words."

Kuchiki Byakuya's eyebrows lifted a millimeter in a challenging stare. "You mean there may be some in my division? I doubt that."

Renji sighed, feeling that uncomfortable heat rise to the back of his neck again. Well, hiding it obviously wasn't doing him any good. It might actually be hurting others in their division if the captain had an attitude like this. Or that's what Renji would like to tell himself. But in all honestly he was merely frustrated with their current relationship, angry at being rejected even indirectly, and part of him had just about given up.

In the end, Renji said flatly and primarily out of spite, "Don't be so sure, Captain." But when Byakuya did not react to this statement, he added matter-of-factly, "I'm gay."

After this revelation, there was protracted silence between them. The two continued walking without exchanging a single word until they were nearly back at the sixth division. Renji began to wonder if Byakuya hadn't heard. His expression didn't change.

It was almost like he had a glitch, because as they entered the barracks Captain Kuchiki said as if there had been no pause in the conversation at all, "It was not necessary to tell me that."

Renji raised his eyebrows. Did that mean he wished he hadn't? Well, it was out there now. Nor could he change the fact that he was gay, whatever his captain's opinion about it. But Renji had a moment of panic as he realized the captain might be preparing to tell him to leave his division.

Captain Kuchiki closed his eyes with a tired sigh. "I see you have misunderstood, with your usual blunt and artless interpretation of words."

Renji frowned. He wasn't sure what misunderstanding there could be about "shameful." "Is that so, Captain?" he asked, carefully avoiding a confrontational tone.

Byakuya continued tonelessly, "It was the act of fornication in public that I was referring to when I said such behavior was shameful. I highly doubt any of the shinigami that I personally chose to join the sixth division would exhibit such a lack of self-control. I also agree with you that it is not only vulgar but simply childish to gossip about others' private lives. Does that satisfy you, Renji?"

Renji couldn't stop the deep flush overtaking his countenance. This was mortifying. He wanted to crawl into a hole. Not only had he misunderstood and exposed himself in a moment of frustration, but as ever his captain's sense of honor and fairness had struck his heart deeply.

He struggled to hide his facial expression and simply murmured, "Forgive my impertinence, Captain."

"It is forgotten."

Renji's chest ached a little at that, but he was grateful too. If it meant he could continue to stand by Byakuya's side, it was probably best if the captain forgot what he had just told him.

Renji considered the issue settled for the time being, although he noticed now and then an odd glance his way from Captain Kuchiki. He knew what it was; mild homophobic curiosity. He'd seen it before from others he'd been foolish enough to trust, namely Kira and Hisagi-sempai. It hurt, but he figured it would pass in a few days. Then Captain Kuchiki would go back to simply looking down on him for his low birth and lack of spiritual power, which of course wasn't ideal but at least it was familiar.

Renji returned to Soul Society one evening after visiting Ichigo in his school. It was surprisingly entertaining to do human things, and he always tended to have fun when Ichigo was around. The debriefing with the captain afterward as usual turned into mostly funny stories about Ichigo or his friends. As usual, Captain Kuchiki listened without comment for most of this, but at one point he began to frown.

Renji had more or less finished his report and was awkwardly half-laughing after finishing a story, waiting for him to speak. He continued to wait, but Captain Kuchiki remained seated exactly as he was, his fingers laced and sitting in his lap, his gaze distant. Was he upset that Renji's report contained so many irrelevant details? His silence was often the most terrifying thing about him.

"I see," he said after a strangely long time. "Thank you, Renji."

"Sir," Renji said, nodding and turning away. "I'll just be filling in paperwork here if you need anything," he added, taking a seat at the vice captain's desk opposite Captain Kuchiki's. He settled down to work without looking at the captain, in case he either really was annoyed or was caught up thinking about something and didn't want to be disturbed.

"Renji. What is your opinion of Kurosaki Ichigo?" Byakuya asked suddenly.

Renji flinched, feeling his skin prickle with the first signs of sweat. "Uh…in what sense, Captain?"

An unamused glance flicked his way. "Do not make me repeat myself. Answer in the way you think most appropriate."

"Yes…well, I think he's trustworthy."

Captain Kuchiki's face didn't move. " 'Trustworthy,' " he repeated stonily.

Renji was starting to get really nervous now, having no idea what he might have done to set the captain off. "Yes. Just…that I don't think he'd ever betray Soul Society. I think the decision to let him keep his powers, under supervision, was correct. But I think he's a very good man and a powerful ally."

"I see. And that's all?"

"Captain…?" Renji queried, still nervous and not sure what the captain wanted from him.

Captain Kuchiki rose from his desk to stand in that elegant way of his, facing the window with a thoughtful expression. "Renji," he said in a hard tone.

"Yes!" Renji managed, his back automatically straightening, not wanting to appear insubordinate or lazy to further anger him, though he still didn't know what he'd done in the first place.

"As I've told you before, your personal life is none of my business. But I trust you to be able to keep your work and personal life separate. Do you understand my meaning?"

He was starting to, but shock had silenced him. Was Captain Kuchiki really implying what Renji thought he was?

As if to confirm Renji's worst fears, Byakuya told him in all seriousness, "Kurosaki Ichigo is not for you."

"Oh Jesus…" Renji cried, letting his head fall to the desk in exasperation.

"I beg your understanding in-"

"Captain!" Renji interjected, rising from his seat and planting both hands firmly on the desk.

Captain Kuchiki raised a thin, elegant eyebrow at the noise.

Renji breathed in deeply to calm his temper. "I don't…I'm…not…" He let out a heavy sigh and started again more calmly, "I have never thought of Kurosaki Ichigo in that way. Even if I did, I can assure you I am not a teenager and don't need to be told not to let relationships affect my work. Please don't look down on me just because of the other day."

"Meaning?"

Renji cast his gaze aside in an attempt to hide his anguish. "Please don't pretend this sudden concern has nothing to do with my sexuality. You've never asked me about my love life before."

"The reason for that is simple. Up until recently, I assumed you were in love with Rukia," Byakuya replied matter-of-factly. Renji's mouth fell unflatteringly open and he inadvertently produced an odd squeak. "I had no problem with that fact, and I was considering accepting your proposal if it ever came. This gives me more to consider. As my vice captain, whomever you choose will have at least some reflection on me."

Renji stood staring at him, dumbfounded for some time. Captain Kuchiki stared back with mild interest, obviously even less equipped to deal with the current situation than Renji was but relatively unfazed. Unfortunately, he took Renji's stunned, outraged silence to mean he could continue speaking.

"May I ask if you have a lover, currently?"

Blood rushed to Renji's head, making his whole face feel hot. He blinked, his mouth still hanging open but unable to form words. "Captain…" he struggled. "…that question is sexual harassment."

Byakuya tilted his head in reluctant agreement. "As you say," he replied, turning back out the window. "Certainly you are under no obligation to answer, and we are both off duty now so no regulations of conduct have been broken. I am curious, but to ignore the question is your prerogative."

Renji set his head in his hand with a heavy sigh. How could such a cultured and careful man say such outlandish things so easily? Renji's heart was beginning to pound into his throat. It's just the usual curiosity, he told himself again and again as he gathered a response. Don't read anything into this, it's not that he cares about you. Even so, the idea of Kuchiki Byakuya asking him about his love life was sending warm, electric feelings through his body.

"I…don't."

Byakuya's impenetrable gaze returned to him, though still expressionless. "Is that so?"

Renji shifted his jaw as if to continue but was unable to elaborate any further. Being under Byakuya's unyielding gaze was making his heart race.

"And is there someone in your heart?"

Don't ask me anymore, Renji begged silently. He closed his eyes, his hand instinctively grasping at the ache in the center of his chest. But he couldn't lie to his captain. "Yes."

Byakuya didn't answer. When next Renji looked up at him, he had turned his back to Renji. He could tell nothing of his reaction to what Renji had said. He felt so exposed. Captain Kuchiki could reject him at any moment. He prayed his captain would not press him for the name. He couldn't hide it if he asked.

"I see. Thank you, Renji." After a moment of pause, Byakuya continued, "Please finish your paperwork in the morning. I wish to work here in silence for a couple of hours."

"Captain…I won't-"

"You're dismissed."

An ache yawned deeply within Renji's chest at these cold words. He knew he just meant for the day, but it sounded like he was pushing Renji away entirely. He let his head sink down as he struggled to obey.

"Yes, sir," he murmured. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Renji."

When Renji entered his quarters that night, a profound loneliness sank into him. As ever, Captain Kuchiki was so far away that he lost the courage even to reach out, even just to admire him. Nothing he did ever seemed to bring him any nearer. Yet when he was alone, especially at night, the ache for Kuchiki Byakuya only continued to grow. Renji decided he would have to try to do something to quiet them, or find some other outlet if he wanted to keep his job.

Unfortunately, the next day was the day that Inoue Orihime disappeared. It was a shock to everyone, even those that didn't know Inoue well. But they'd all been waiting for Aizen's next move, it was just these Arrancar that were a surprise. It was hard for them watching Ichigo try to fight the Commander's decision. But there was never a doubt in Renji's mind, or probably Rukia's either, what they were going to do.

Renji only returned briefly to Soul Society that night to gather some things for the journey into Hueco Mundo. He used shunpo and hid his reiatsu as much as possible so no one would know exactly where he was. His greatest fear was that Captain Kuchiki would find him. He knew his captain well and didn't expect the incident with Rukia to have softened him as much as some seemed to think. As far as he had heard, any softness Kuchiki Byakuya ever had had died with Hisana, and that was long before Renji had met him. At best, Byakuya would imprison Renji for dissension. At worst, he might try (and succeed this time) to kill him.

Renji was quietly folding and placing some clothes inside a furoshiki, constantly looking over his shoulder even though it was his own room and the door was closed. But it was a good thing, because suddenly it wasn't. When Renji straightened, despite there being no sound or signs of movement, light caught the corner of his eye.

He froze. Kuchiki Byakuya was standing in his doorway, expressionless as ever, eyes cast idly toward the floor near Renji's feet. Renji swallowed, ready to draw Zabimaru if need be. Trying to pretend it wasn't breaking his heart to see his captain for what might be the last time. To have Byakuya's last memory of him be one of betrayal.

"Cap-" he began softly.

"Don't speak," Captain Kuchiki interrupted.

Shame overtook him and Renji lowered his head, ready to accept his fate. He remembered how Byakuya had reacted to a similar betrayal by Rukia, whom he cared about much more than he ever had for Renji. Byakuya would never forgive this. Even if he found mercy enough to let Renji live, this was throwing away any trust they had ever built between them. Renji would be lucky if he was even allowed to stay in his captain's heart at all, if only as a trace of resentment.

Or so he thought. But the captain's next actions made Renji question whether there was ever anything he had ever understood about Kuchiki Byakuya.

"I did caution you," Byakuya said in an undertone. "Yet in the end this was always going to be your answer. You choose Kurosaki Ichigo over…your duty."

The slight pause, as if he'd been about to say something else, made a flutter of excitement run though Renji's heart. He told himself he was imagining things. It couldn't be what he thought it was.

"You only feel duty to Soul Society, Captain?" Renji asked him. "You wanted to help Ichigo too. I know you feel as indebted to him as I do."

"Unlikely," Byakuya replied without blinking. "Kurosaki Ichigo turned Soul Society on its head, mostly for selfish reasons. It was you and Captain Ukitake who truly saved Rukia, going against every rule and instinct and with no care for yourselves. My debt is to you."

Renji's heart ached so badly that he lost his breath. He never expected to hear such words from his captain. Never thought he viewed Renji's actions with such reverence, rather than resentment. Without thinking, Renji took a step toward him. He stopped himself there. It was still impossible. Even if he did feel gratitude, even if that was more than Renji ever expected from him, it wasn't love. He would never return Renji's feelings. And now he was betraying any chance he ever had. Still, he had to help Ichigo. There was no other way.

Captain Kuchiki finally looked him, seemingly wondering what he was doing, oddly paused in the middle of the room. Whatever he decided, he closed the door behind him. With his typically calm, perfect demeanor, he walked toward where Renji was. He stopped just a few feet away, his large, black eyes fixed on Renji's, his face half lit by moonlight. Renji's heart felt it was about to burst.

"I was never very good with words," Byakuya muttered. "If there were something I could say to change your mind, what would it be?"

Renji's chest felt so tight it was difficult to breathe except in gasps. He loved him so much it almost brought tears to his eyes. What was he thinking? How could he leave him without telling him how he felt? Renji had never even properly touched him. Could he die without knowing the feeling of simply holding his hand? Was that too much selfishness to ask of the universe?

Renji was about to answer honestly, to tell him that any words from him would be enough to keep him here, when Byakuya continued with a hint of malice, "Never mind. I was foolish to come here. Someone who would chose love over duty isn't worth my attention."

He turned toward the door. Instantly, anger shattered through any soft feelings Renji was having, and disbelief gave way to utter incredulity. Renji grabbed his arm and pulled him back toward his body. They both stared at each other, equally shocked at Renji's insubordination. Renji tried to gather his courage, even though simply touching his captain's sleeve was enough to make his hand tremble.

"You are a fool, Kuchiki Byakuya," he growled with as much force as he could muster.

Byakuya's eyebrows drew together sharply in anger, disbelieving that Renji could be so disrespectful. Renji himself wanted to crawl into a corner and beg forgiveness, but if this would be the last time then he had to say it.

"To think there's anyone who matters more to me," Renji whispered intensely to him. "To think I could ever let love take priority over duty. All these years and my actions still don't prove my devotion?"

"You contradict yourself," Byakuya shot back bitterly, his arm tensing in Renji's grasp. "And I don't want to hear your lovesick reasoning. Your actions speak for themselves. If I hear Kurosaki Ichigo's name from your lips one more time-"

"For the last time, Captain, it's not Ichigo."

Saying this, even as Byakuya's lips parted in confusion, in the cold darkness of parting Renji pulled him close. He cupped his cheek in his own trembling hand, heat and love and regret racing through his blood. Byakuya took in a sharp breath of shock but did not pull away. And finally their breath mixed, and Renji's lips met his. When Renji at last felt Byakuya's body pressed to his own, tense and unsure but not resisting, the feeling was so intense he felt he might pass out. His whole body was alive with sensation, his heat and the little movements of his hips and back, and finally his lips, everything thrilled Renji to his core.

He even hesitated for a moment, meeting Byakuya's gaze as both men panted, giving him a chance to pull away. When he didn't, Renji took his chances and deepened the kiss, tilting Byakuya's head back and drawing his waist closer. Byakuya's sharp breaths into his mouth were more exciting than he had ever dreamed. Renji didn't take the time to wonder why he wasn't fighting. He wanted this moment to last for eternity.

But in an instant, it was all over.

Suddenly, he was cold and alone again. Byakuya gripped his collar with the hand that had just shoved him back effortlessly to arm's length. Physical pain emanated from the space where he touched, even though it hadn't been hard enough to hurt. This rejection, after the briefest hope that his feelings might be returned, crushed whatever hope still remained.

Even after this drastic change, for many long moments, Byakuya said nothing. When he finally did, his perfect demeanor had returned. "You are not in your right mind, Vice Captain Abarai," he said.

Renji lowered his head and allowed the despair to sink in, even savoring this last, slight touch of Byakuya's fingers against the skin of his chest.

"I suggest you take a few days of medical leave."

Renji blinked up at that. He must know where Rukia and Renji were planning on going. Why medical leave? Wasn't he planning on imprisoning them?

His fingers slowly released Renji's collar and he turned away. "It may be hot where you are going," he said in an odd tone of voice that Renji didn't recognize. "You would be wise to protect your skin. You're not fair skinned but your ridiculous hairstyle does expose a lot of skin. And Rukia burns easily."

With that, he tossed something heavy onto Renji bed as he moved toward the door. Renji stared in amazement. Two heavy, desert cloaks now lay on his bed, one large and one small. Captain Kuchiki had apparently brought them with him. He'd been planning on giving them to Renji from the start. This all only occurred to him as the door was beginning to close.

"Take care, Renji," Byakuya muttered. He shut the door behind him.

Renji felt his reiatsu vanish as he left immediately. For a moment, Renji stood frozen with emotion. He sank down and rested one hand on the bed, staring at these articles of Byakuya's affection. He gripped the fabric in his fingers, using all his force of will not to follow him and kiss him again, to tell him he was never leaving him. And he wouldn't, he swore it. If Renji returned from Hueco Mundo alive, he would spend every remaining second of that life by Byakuya's side.

That night, he joined Rukia briefly before they all went together to Urahara Kisuke's shop. From there, to repay a debt, and to rescue Inoue Orihime before Ichigo broke down Aizen's doors all by himself.