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AN:
Hey, back with some more Palex. Hadn't planned this but it's
perfect timing, the song Back In Your Head is from the new Tegan and
Sara album - The Con - which is released today (24/7) so everyone go
out and pick it up!
Thanks also to all you people continually reviewing and adding me to your favourites, it's appreciated.
Back In Your Head
Build
a wall of books between us in our bed
Repeat, repeat the words
that I know we both said
Relax into the need
We get so
comfortable
Alex Nunez slammed her head down onto her history book. She was sick of war. She'd spent the past half hour on the same page and still had no idea what it said.
It had been all of 3 weeks since she'd seen Paige, the last time she was home for the weekend. Even then it was only for a couple of hours. Not nearly enough but she couldn't tell Paige that. She pretty much didn't tell her anything.
They had mastered the art of talking without really giving up anything real. They never got into awkward 'I miss you' or 'why did we ever break up?' conversations.
They never lost control of their words or their actions. Hugs were rare and purposely brief. Talks of each other's romantic lives were strictly off bounds.
They mostly stuck to University and school talk. Academics, current events and mutual friends were the topics of choice. Both pretended they were content with their watered down friendship, that it was enough.
Truth is, it was easier to pretend that just being in the same room, or at the same table sharing some laughs was enough. And sometimes, for a moment, it was.
But for Alex, when their time together was just playing over in her mind, it made her feel sick.
Her head hurt from replaying it: the premiere, the chocolate cheesecake, the whipped cream fight, the break up, the summer they tried to be friends, Paige going off to Banting and her going back to Degrassi and now they're trapped in limbo as friends who act like they were never anything more than that.
What really made it suck is that the day she realised she was in love with Paige was the day she broke up with her.
It sounds twisted because it is.
Alex is someone who runs away when people get too close. She has walls and she's capable of instant construction. Problem is she fought it for Paige. She let her get close, told her things, was really with her and telling her it was over was the single worst moment of her 18 years.
Sometimes she thinks she was a martyr. That what she done was heroic and strong. But really, when clarity hits, she knows that's just her heart trying to justify the heinous amount of pain she felt.
Clarity is her enemy, she does everything she can to avoid it, early nights are key. It turns out the world is far too clear as the night progresses. During the day she can get on with the school day, go to work, make idle chit chat with the hand full of people at Degrassi she talks with and generally keep herself moving, running from her own thoughts of Paige.
On nights like this, when her brain gives out on studying and she's left with only the dim light of the lamp she can't fend off the voice.
The voice that tells her she's an idiot for letting Paige go like that. That there were other ways to explain what she was feeling without going to the extreme. They'd still be together now, maybe the distance would be fine, they'd see each other every weekend or near enough and talk numerous times a day.
But no. Paige was at Banting doing whatever she was doing and Alex wasn't a part of it. She didn't deserve to be. She'd broken their relationship and she wouldn't ever fix it because that would require her to reverse her efforts.
She'd gotten used to the pain and the sick feeling she got when Paige was near her but never actually near enough. Or the constant worry that Paige had met someone new at Banting, someone who would love her and the other way round.
Life's easier when you don't play the game. And Alex was never one for taking the long way round.
