Natsu POV

It's been so long.. Too long.. Not one word, nor glance, at me has been given by her.. I feel so empty without her, and she doesn't seem to care..

Lucy and I used to be best friends, once.. It was a fun, peaceful, wonderful, thrilling, exciting friendship.. It was a friendship that I wish so badly to have back. It's my fault.. No one else's but mine. I ended my friendship with Lucy because I got scared. I lied and told Lucy that I didn't want to be her friend anymore, seeing her broken-looking face almost broke me and made me beg for forgiveness and that I didn't mean what I said, because I started to notice her in non-friendly ways. After that day, seven months ago, she never once even looked at me or even so much as participated in any conversation that involved me in any way. The only time when she did since I broke our friendship, two weeks later, was when I was walking down an alley way in town, and she was with Levy, Erza, Lisanna, Wendy, Carla and Mirajane. I can still remember that afternoon clearly..

xxx Flashback xxx


I was in the middle of thinking of going to apologize to Lucy, when I suddenly heard Lucy's laugh coming from around the corner of the alley way I was walking in. I hid behind the wall as I focused on what made her laugh when I suddenly heard my name being mentioned.

"So, Lucy, what's been going on with you and Natsu? Did you guys have a fight? Because you guys have been avoiding each other for two weeks now.. It's worrying us girls." I heard a girl say, I from who I believe was Mirajane.

"Natsu, huh?" I distinctly heard Lucy mention my name. For some reason, my heart skipped a beat, and my face felt hot. Damn, this happened every time in the past! I stopped my internal ranting as I heard her continue.

"Natsu.. he and I.. we're not friends anymore." I heard Lucy whisper, it sounded like she was about to cry. Had I hurt her that much? Damn, I felt like such an ass. That's it, no amount of this.. 'awareness' is gonna make me stay away from her. I am apologizing and that's final!

"WHAT?" all the girls, except for Lucy, shrieked. My poor ears..

"We aren't friends anymore.. I thought that.. Our friendship was strong enough to last forever, but apparently it wasn't.. And.. For some reason.. No matter what I say or do.. I can't get Natsu off my mind.. It hurts me too much to even look at him anymore.. I am crying myself to sleep, almost every night now, since that day.. And yet.. I think.. That what ever was going through his mind at the time.. He must have had a good reason to end our friendship.. However.. I don't think that he intends to be my friend ever again.. And it's by thinking those thoughts that I am determined to stay away from him! The day he told me that he didn't want me as his friend anymore.. That day, I couldn't help but compare him to Daddy.. He.. Natsu looked so detached and sounded cruel-fully cold when he basically told me to get out of his life.. It hurts.. I keep thinking that maybe he didn't mean it, but then I remember what he said and looked like, and then I can't help but tear up and want to avoid Natsu even more - because I never want to see or hear him like that ever again!" I heard Lucy start crying around the time when she said 'However'.

My blood ran cold, and I felt my face twist into a pained, remorseful and tortured expression. I cause her pain? Was I really that bad when I told her that I didn't wanna be her friend anymore? Wow.. By the sounds of her cries, now.. I disgust myself. I am never going to be able to take back all this pain I've caused Lucy.. I am unfit to be her friend, ever again.

If I made any of my Nakama's cry, I would want to set things right.. But Lucy.. She's a different case. I purposefully hurt her, so I am not able to be her Nakama anymore.. I can't be able to, not after how much I've apparently made her cry. No person would be able to be her Nakama, if they'd done this much damage.

If it were any other person than me, I would personally go and beat the crap outta the person who's made her cry this much. I would hold her at night, and tell her that it'll all be okay. That I'd be there, no matter what, for her. But it's not anybody else. It's me. And I am going to be beating the s*** outta myself later, but I can't hold her.. I can't tell her the things only a Nakama can say to her.. And I most certainly can NOT hold her at night anymore.. I ruined that chance the moment I told her that I didn't wanna be her friend anymore.

What have I done?

As I heard the girls mover to comfort her, I started to keep walking the direction I was walking, but I was unable to keep in my tears. I caused her so much pain, how could I not cry? I silently let my tears fall down my face, and made no effort to wipe them, as I kept walking. There goes my plans for apologizing.. So much for wanting to be her Nakama again.

As I walked off, I could feel multiple people staring at me, so I stopped where I was and spared a glace in the direction I felt the stares coming from. It was three girls from the group Lucy was with at a café they were at. They were sitting outside, so I guess that's how they saw me. Mirajane, Erza and Levy. At first they glared at me, I deserved that, but then they saw my tears and their eyes widened in shock and disbelief.

I looked over at Lucy, who was balling her eyes out and was being comforted by the rest of the girls. My left hand came up and gripped part of my chest where my heart should be for a few moments – before it slid back down to rest at my side again, and then my right hand reached out for Lucy. How I yearned to make those tears vanish from her usual happy-go-lucky face. I hated knowing they were because of me.

"Lucy.." I breathed her name, and started to whisper to myself. "I am so sorry.. I don't deserve to be your Nakama anymore.. Even though I was going to talk to you, take back everything I'd said, and be your friend again.. I don't deserve it.. I have hurt you too much, to get the privilege of being your Nakama, ever again.."

Right before I closed my eyes, I glanced at Erza, Levy and Mirajane. They looked torn between ripping my head off and crying. That did it. I can't handle FOUR girls crying. So, I closed my eyes – the tears went from being little streaks down my face to full-on waterfalls as I talked to myself – and, after I felt my face twist into an even more pained, remorseful and tortured expression, I bowed my head enough to cover my eyes and turned away. I ran out of there as fast as I could. Why did I have to cause Lucy so much pain? Damn it, I am gonna give myself a lifetime's worth of dragon slayer punches and self-damage when I get home.

xxx End Flashback xxx


Remembering that day still causes me pain in my heart. I seriously don't deserve to be her Nakama, but even so.. I still look out for her, without her knowing. For example, I have paid off her rent about 4 times now. Lucy never had enough money on her, and I rarely spend the money I earn from jobs, so I was the one giving the land-lady Lucy's rent money.

I have asked her to not tell anyone it was me though. When she asked me why, one time, I'd told her the story and how this is this least I can do for her – even though we aren't Nakama's anymore. The land-lady just gave me a sad smile and promised that she wouldn't tell Lucy. I thanked her and was on my way to go fishing with Happy.

I cry every now and then, whenever no one is around me. I rarely get into fights with Grey anymore. I just don't have the same drive I used to. I am too depressed to even fully enjoy my fishing trips with Happy! Even when I go on jobs, I never say my catch phrase anymore. I just can't seem to bring myself to say "Now I'm all revved up!" and I think that it's because a great majority of the time I'd used to say it was when Lucy was present – back when we were still Nakama. I just fight and be done with it, whenever the request requires me to fight.

I barely give a proper genuine smile anymore. It's always either fake or a very small not-fully-genuine smile. Hell, even sometimes my lips merely just twitch at the corners! I just don't have the strength to smile. Not after finding out how much I have hurt Lucy. It feels like I don't have the right to give a real smile anymore. Laughing, too, for that matter. Again, fake or not-fully-genuine. It's not like I can help it. I want to give real smiles and laughs, but my heart just doesn't want to. My heart feels like it has a giant burden on it, but I know that I will never be able to lift it. Not when I've hurt.. Look at myself, I can't even bring myself to say it another time because the burden just gets heavier every time I do. And it's already colossally heavy.

At the moment, I was sitting at the bar with Cana on my left – drinking out of her wine barrel, again. I was drinking only a small glass of wine. I just finished drinking it when I decided to go for another job. It would be my seventh – I winced slightly at the number – one in a row for the past 2 months, since I only just got back, not 3 hours ago, from a previous job. I walked up to the request board and took a look at the remaining quests.

There was a few good paying jobs, and I ended up one the one that was located in Hargeon. Again, I winced – this time at the town name. I still took it anyway, as the job reward was 80,000 jewel. It was a house-burglar-catching request. I could do that, easy. I went to Gramps and informed him about the job I'd be taking and that I'd be leaving immediately. He looked at me worriedly, but told me that he'd inform the clients after I left. I knew why he was worried. I looked like hell. Bags under my eyes, from lack of sleep; flat-ish hair, because I was depressed; I looked thinner, because I didn't really eat unless I had to these days; dishevelled and slightly smelling clothes, since I haven't really put on clean ones since two days ago & red-rimmed eyes, since I was crying almost all the way back home because I knew Lucy would be here and I sure as hell miss her.

"Happy? You coming?" I asked, looking over at him. He was trying to get Carla's attention again.

"Aye, sir!" he replied, flying over to me and landing on my head. "Bye-bye Carla! Bye-bye Lily!" He waved over to the other cats.

"You llllllllllliiiikke her.." I mocked Happy, as he stared at Carla the entire time he said good-bye.

Happy blushed. "You're mocking me! You're mean!" He pouted. I just laughed a not-fully-genuine laugh, and started walking.