She hadn't known for how long she'd been walking aimlessly in the forest.
She hadn't meant to go there. She kinda stumbled in it, lost in her thoughts, not paying attention to where she was going.
A soon as she'd realized where she was, after she found herself nose to nose with one of the Commander's patrols guard, her first instinct had been to run, far away, she wasn't ready to see her, or anyone for that matter. Clarke just wanted to be alone.
But the guard had done something that froze her on spot. Her mind reeling, desperately trying to grasp what was happening.
He had announced her name so loudly, that birds from the nearby trees startled awake, left their nests and flew away. But that wasn't what sent her mind whirling. Because after, he had lowered himself, bowing to her, one knee on the ground, right hand on his heart and head bent.
She hadn't have time to process what she was witnessing, because soon, Lexa was in front of her, a proud smile on her lips.
The commander had walked the remaining distance between them and stood by Clarke's side. She took her hand and then lifted it, as people from the village slowly came to stop before the two leaders.
"This is Clarke of the Skai-Kru, Slayer of the Mountain. I Demand and Expect that she will be treated with the Respect that she deserves." Lexa announced in a powerful and severe tone.
And soon enough mixed expressions of awe and fear were painted on the people before her.
As she slowly advanced in the village escorted by the Commander and other guards, she numbly took in the way the villagers inevitably took a step back and bowed their heads, as a sign of respect -or fear- as soon as they laid eyes on her.
Turns out, Lexa didn't have to command to respect her. Because word of Clarke of the Skai-Kru that had defeated the Mountain of Evil, had spread like wildfire all over the near villages and still was spreading beyond.
Lexa brought her to their headquarters. Indra was there, and as soon she saw Clarke, she'd looked past her searching for someone else. When she didn't find Octavia, she'd looked back at her. Clarke shook her head smiling, even though it had lost all the brightness in it "I'm alone" she explained.
Indra nodded once, and exited the tent, the guards falling in her steps, leaving Clarke alone with their Commander.
Lexa came to stand in front of her.
Lexa felt guilty, Clarke thought. It was written all over her face and her jerky movements.
Finally she hesitantly put a hand on her arm and gently squeezed "It makes me happy that you came here, Clarke"
Clarke smiled again. Even though all she felt was sting. The sting of being betrayed and left alone, after all she'd sacrificed for the alliance, to save her people.
But she knew that she didn't have the right to feel like that. Because at the end of the day she would have done the same thing.
Lexa had betrayed Clarke to save her people.
Clarke had exterminated the mountain to save hers.
Suddenly a repeated clang sound on her side, brought her back to the present time. She was sitting at the table where the feast in her honour was being celebrated. She tried to not think of that. She tried to not think about the fact that they were celebrating her because she had killed all these people. They were celebrating Clarke the murderer.
No. Don't.
She closed her eyes as a familiar voice made its way through her thoughts, admonishing her.
Lexa was hitting her plate with a knife to silence the diners, demanding attention.
"With this feast, We, not only celebrate Clarke of Skai-Kru, Slayer of the Mountain," Clarke waited to feel the urge to flinch at the new addition, but instead she just felt numb.
"But also celebrate, our new found alliance with her people." She announced proudly.
"Skai-Kru and Tri-Kru will be on war No More!"
People around the table yelled and threw up their fists in celebration. Clarke closed her eyes.
She didn't want to be here.
She didn't want to be celebrated. She just wanted to go home.
No.
She wanted to be alone.
When the dinner was finally over, Lexa escorted the quarters that she had had prepared for Clarke.
"Goodnight, Clarke" she said softly, tucking a strand of Clarke's hair behind her ear. "I'll see you in the morning, when we'll discuss all the benefits of this new found alliance" the commander continued with a gentle smile.
Clarke smiled back, but it was forced, like everything she'd done and said that whole day. And maybe it showed, or maybe Lexa saw it because of her closeness. The Commander searched her eyes, trying to get through her walls, but Clarke wouldn't let her so she squeezed her arm once again, and left.
Clarke stayed still for a while, breathing in and breathing out, trying to adjust to her surroundings.
When she finally turned, she saw the bed meant for her. It looked like the most comfortable bed she'd ever sleep on. But she didn't want to feel comfortable. She didn't want comfort.
So she slowly lowered herself on the ground and laid on her side, pillowing her head with one arm and tucking her knees to her chest with the other.
She had been celebrated for having wiped out an entire population.
The thought just wouldn't leave her alone.
We can't kill everyone
There're kids in here
We need him, Clarke
She waited for the tears to come, but they didn't. All she felt was a burning in her chest, stomach, and in her throat, suffocating her. But no tears.
We'll get through this.
No.
She opened her eyes and unfolded herself to lay on her back.
She could see the light from the moon coming from the cracks of the makeshift roof.
She thought of her time on the Ark. How simple was life back then. She thought of her dad. What would he say of what she had done? Of what she had become?
No.
She sat up and slowly got on her feet. Her gun was on the table. She picked it up.
When she had arrived, no one bothered –or dared- to search her. Being the legend that had killed an uncountable number of people apparently made them trust her more, ironically.
Her eyes fell on the other object laying on the table. A sword. Apparently they more than trusted her.
Lexa clearly wanted to impress her or maybe it was mere routine to give a living legend one of the biggest quarters and a sword.
She thumbed the tip, contemplating if taking it with her or not. She took a step back, dismissing the thought, she didn't know how to use it anyway. She'd probably kill herself lacking of the proper training.
Her thought went to Octavia, She had become so much more than the girl who used to chase butterflies.
She felt the corners of her mouth tug, like she really wanted to smile.
Everyone is always counting on You!
Well, it's not good enough.
No.
She rounded the table and left the tent and the sword.
Clarke slowly made it to the outskirts of the village without accidents, until a patrol guard came to stand in front of her.
She looked at the man dead in the eye with a blank expression, the guard recognising her, apologised and stepped aside, clearing her way.
Clarke walked and walked, without thinking, concentrating on her pace.
Left, right, left, right.
Thinking meant thinking of her people. Thinking meant thinking of what she had done to save them.
Thinking meant the fire inside her to scorch what was left of her.
Clarke just wanted to be alone.
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