This story takes place right after the episode "Chasing Demons" so there are spoilers for that episode, and I've also added a couple of details into that storyline. There are mentions of other events from season 19 as well.
Jesse and Frannie don't exist in this fic, but Noah does.
I'm having major writer's block with all of my other stories right now, so I wanted to write this to keep my creativity flowing.
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Amanda doesn't know what she's doing here.
It's two o'clock in the morning and she is pacing back and forth in the hallway of her lieutenant's apartment building, staring at the closed door of Olivia's home as she walks by for what is probably the twentieth time. She has her own key now, something that was given to her by Olivia after Noah's abduction and rescue, just in case of an emergency, and the gesture fully cementing the trust between them that has taken years to build. Not wanting to scare Olivia or her son by using it in the middle of the night, however, Amanda simply continues to pace across the worn carpet while wondering what to do next.
Due to the myriad of distressing events that have taken place over the course of the past several months, she knows how wary Olivia has become of someone knocking unexpectedly at her door and decides that calling or texting would be the preferable option right now. Amanda is painfully aware that she shouldn't even be thinking of bothering her boss in the wee hours of the morning, especially after such a stressful and complex case that had involved her ex-boyfriend, and chastises herself vehemently while pulling her cell phone from her coat pocket.
No amount of internal berating seems able to stop her from scrolling quickly through the long list of names on her screen and halting abruptly at the one she is searching for. Amanda's thumb poises uncertainly over the very formal title of Lt. Olivia Benson before blowing out a harsh breath and typing in a hasty message.
"Hi Liv, are you awake?"
There is a brief pause as she gazes down at her phone, a mixture of guilt and hope and trepidation swirling through her stomach to create an overwhelmingly nauseating sensation, unsure of whether to feel relief or dread when there is a low buzzing sound that indicates an answering message.
"I am now. What's going on?"
Amanda finally brings her frantic pacing to a standstill outside of Olivia's door and hovers there in hesitation as her front teeth bite down on her bottom lip, shifting back and forth from one foot to the other and undecided on exactly how to respond.
"Amanda?"
With only the use of her first name and no other words, she can practically feel her superior's concern and impatience emanating through the device held in her chilled hand, Amanda's brow creasing in a frown at causing Olivia yet more anxiety.
"Nothing's going on. I'm fine."
Her breath catches in her throat and lodges there as she awaits a return message, fully aware that Olivia will find this answer unacceptable and will no doubt push for the real reason her detective is choosing to communicate with her at this odd hour of the night. Sure enough, Amanda's phone pings again only a few seconds later, completely unsurprised by the response that appears on the screen.
"Well, obviously you're not fine if you're texting me in the middle of the night and it doesn't have to do with a case. Where are you right now?"
Amanda resolves to be truthful with her colleague, making the decision to stay where she is instead of traversing back across town to her own apartment because the courage she had been steadily building up throughout the evening is now wavering with the knowledge that she will soon be face to face with a woman she is having some very inappropriate feelings for.
"I'm standing outside your door."
This time there is no answering message and Amanda's heart rate speeds up as soon as she hears the footsteps padding toward her location, tucking her phone back into her pocket and scraping her fingernails along the rough material of her jeans in agitation. She listens as Olivia fumbles with the locks on the other side of the heavy barrier between them and her breath is catching in her throat once again when the older woman comes into view, the curvy figure leaning against the wooden door frame with her hair gathered in a messy bun and pajamas rumpled with sleep, squinting with perplexity into the brightly lit hallway.
"What happened?" Olivia asks instantly as a hand comes up to rub over a slumber-reddened eyelid, the brunette's exhaustion quite evident and the guilt that has been simmering inside Amanda's chest only intensifying.
"Nothing happened," she assures her lieutenant in what she hopes will pass for a calm and measured tone of voice. "Everything is fine."
"Then what are you doing here, Amanda?" Olivia's blunt words are softened by the worried expression on her face and the tender hand that reaches out to grip her forearm, fingers squeezing with a gentle firmness.
"I just wanted to make sure..." Amanda trails off as she feels a deep red blush creeping up her neck to suffuse her pale cheeks with color, trying to ignore how good the other woman's touch feels. "I just wanted to make sure that you and I are okay."
"So it was necessary to make sure of this at two o'clock in the morning, then?" Olivia's voice holds a dry note when she speaks, a combination of amusement and concern in her tone instead of the expected anger and frustration, but Amanda finds herself unable to answer for a moment, the words stuck deeply inside her throat.
"Why wouldn't we be okay?" Olivia's head is tilted to the side as she keeps talking, fixing Amanda with those large dark eyes that seem to be boring straight into her soul and inducing a slight shiver that runs down her spine.
"You know why, Liv," she murmurs shamefully, unable to maintain eye contact with this woman who has inexplicably become her best friend over these past few months; the emotional trauma and intensity that Olivia has been made to endure in her personal life drawing them closer than ever before.
"Come in here, Amanda." Olivia's voice is both soft and commanding as she gives a tug on Amanda's arm, slender fingers still gripping the material of her winter jacket with a stern resolve. "Come inside so we can sit down and talk."
"I don't want to bother you," Amanda protests in reply, although she lets Olivia lead her into the apartment and over to the couch, the older woman pushing her gently down onto the cushions. "I should be letting you get some sleep."
"Well, it's a little late for that now, since you've already woken me up," Olivia chuckles dryly, Amanda feeling smooth fingertips brushing against her hand as the brunette sits down next to her. "God, Amanda, you're freezing!"
Her boss' voice has risen slightly with alarm, Amanda's blush becoming more pronounced when Olivia shifts closer to her on the sofa so their bodies are pressing lightly together. "Are you okay, honey? And answer me truthfully this time, please."
"I was just wandering around outside for a little while, smoking and walking while trying to clear my head," Amanda mutters quietly, scrubbing her palms across her face as the fatigue that had overtaken her after their crazy and stressful case seems to settle its full weight upon her bones now that she is safe and sound in Olivia's home.
"You're exhausted and freezing," Olivia replies softly, Amanda's eyelids fluttering briefly closed when she feels a hand smoothing through her long hair. "Just stay right there and I'll get you a blanket and make you a cup of tea."
Even though Olivia is the one who has just been ripped from a much-needed sleep, it is Amanda who is being fussed over as her boss helps her off with her jacket and tenderly tucks a blanket around her before striding into the kitchen to prepare them both steaming hot cups of tea. That lingering guilt is burning more brightly than ever at this gentle treatment from a woman who should not be showing her such kindness after the way Amanda had behaved in her office.
Deep down inside, she knows that she did what she had to do; that it was completely necessary to be as harsh as possible toward Olivia in that particular situation, as the older woman clearly wasn't thinking properly and the entire case was spiraling rapidly out of control. Despite that knowledge, Amanda can't seem to get Olivia's broken demeanor out of her mind; recalling how the other woman had sat at her desk with barely-contained tears hovering in her eyes and threatening to spill down her cheeks, Olivia looking so beaten down and just plain done with life.
The past several months have been some of the toughest circumstances that Amanda has ever witnessed her lieutenant embroiled in, both personally and professionally, and she has tried her best to weather the storms with Olivia, determined to keep the older woman's head above water every time it looks like she is going to sink beneath the waves. Everything that Olivia has been through has torn her heart to shreds and just endeared the brunette to her even more, Amanda's heart swelling with compassion and pride and something else she tries not to think about as she watches her boss fight as hard as she possibly can each and every single time she has to cross another heart-wrenching hurdle.
As time goes on and Olivia has been made to endure much more than any human being ever should, Amanda has become petrified for the brunette's state of mind, wondering what will be the final straw of Olivia's sanity and give her that ultimate push over the edge. In spite of Olivia's strength and dedication and that incredible will to keep pushing forward at all costs, Amanda can see the hairline cracks in the armor from time to time; the underlying stress and tension threatening to send her careening toward a complete collapse.
Even though she had forced Olivia to face the reality of the situation she was in with Cassidy, Amanda doesn't wish to contribute to the all-consuming emotional pain that has been wrapped around Olivia like a cloak for months now and only seems to pull more tightly with each new setback. She doesn't want to admit that intense jealously had also played a part in her motivation to assist Olivia, not at all eager to have Cassidy back in the older woman's life and causing her such a huge amount of distress, while at the same time trying to ignore the reasons for feeling the way she does.
The conflicting emotions that are balled up in a tight knot in Amanda's stomach only seem to expand as she sits there next Olivia while they sip their tea, desperate to comfort the older woman in her time of need but still feeling that lingering anger at Olivia for putting her job in jeopardy to help her ex-boyfriend. There is definitely no love lost between Amanda and Cassidy, as she has never liked the older man and has found him to be incompetent and immature, and those disconcerting feelings of jealously are only making her dislike for him even worse than it already was.
"How's the tea?" Olivia asks in a quiet voice, breaking the somewhat awkward silence that has fallen over the living room, and Amanda figures the lieutenant is just engaging in some light small talk before the heavier part of the conversation begins.
"It's good," she replies absently, giving a small shrug as she doesn't really care how the tea tastes or that the hot beverage is finally putting some warmth back into her frozen body.
The only thing Amanda gives a damn about in this moment is repairing any part of their relationship that might have become fractured and possibly destroying the growing closeness she has enjoyed sharing with Olivia lately, her heart fluttering in her chest as she observes the older woman ducking underneath the blanket that is draped over Amanda's thighs. They are shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip on the couch now, cocooned together in the soft red material, and Amanda tries to suppress the urge to let her head drop down onto Olivia's shoulder, not wanting to admit that she is just as eager to receive comfort as she is to give it.
"Mom!"
A childish wail suddenly pierces the air before they can begin any kind of deeper discussion, Olivia immediately going rigid on the cushions beside her before plunking her cup down on the end table with an audible bang and leaping to her feet with barely-disguised panic contorting her features. Amanda straightens up on the couch, her heart clenching painfully as she watches the other woman rush into Noah's bedroom and listens to the soothing voice that is trembling with an underlying anxiety as Olivia attempts to calm her son.
The little boy is crying and has obviously been jolted awake by a nightmare, and while this is certainly not an uncommon occurrence during childhood, Amanda knows that Noah's bad dreams have taken on a whole new sinister meaning for Olivia now, and suspects that the older woman has been suffering through many night terrors of her own. Amanda's chin begins quivering with pent-up emotion as mother and son converse in the next room, devastated that Olivia's life has been turned upside down so many times that something as normal as a bad dream is now cause for so much stress and fear, and she leans over on the couch to place her cup of tea next to Olivia's, feeling like an intruder who doesn't belong.
Amanda hastily gets up from the sofa and retrieves her jacket, shrugging clumsily into the garment before creeping from the apartment and back out into the hallway, intending on sending Olivia another text as soon as she is safely in the elevator, informing the other woman that has gone home. Despite her best efforts to suppress them, the tears that are welling up in Amanda's eyes come cascading down her cheeks in a waterfall as she stabs impatiently at the button on the wall, overcome with shame and regret at interrupting Olivia's night and likely causing her to worry even more.
She is not even sure of the exact reason for her tears as she hurries into the elevator with a sigh of relief when the doors finally slide open, just feeling overwhelmed in general with the events of the past several months; the deep and conflicting emotions that have come along with them and a recent earth-shattering realization. Amanda's shoulders are shaking with the force of her quiet sobs as the doors begin to close, her head bowing down toward her chest and long blonde locks obscuring her crumpled expression, anxious to get home and bury herself beneath the covers of her bed.
"Oh!" Amanda shrieks in surprise as a hand suddenly appears between the doors that are nearly shut and latches onto her forearm with a strength that belies the exhaustion of its owner.
"Where do you think you're going?" Olivia's voice sounds confused and alarmed with a hint of hurt lacing her words, Amanda's eyebrows raising when the doors open fully again and she sees Noah perched on the taller woman's hip.
The little boy's cheeks are streaked with tears that match her own, his striped pajamas wrinkled and curly hair standing straight up, a crooked grin spreading across his face when they lock gazes. "Auntie 'Manda, Mom said you were here to have a sleepover with us tonight. But why are you crying? Did you have a bad dream too?"
Amanda doesn't quite know how to answer this innocent question and stands there like a deer caught in the headlights, aware that Olivia is observing her even more closely than Noah is, and willing her tears to come to a stop.
"I think Auntie Amanda is having a bit of a rough night too, sweetie, so why don't we all go back inside and get tucked into bed?" Olivia suggests lightly, Amanda feeling a thumb stroking gently against her arm as the other woman's dark gaze practically burns a hole right through her with the force of its intensity.
She returns to her boss' apartment with halting steps, shuffling along beside Olivia and Noah and giving the little boy a hug while uttering repeated promises that she will stay until morning to have breakfast with them, before Olivia disappears into the master bedroom with her son held tightly in her arms.
"The only way he would go back to sleep was if I let him stay in my bed instead of his own," Olivia chuckles tiredly when she returns to the living room several minutes later. "I told him I would be in to join him soon, but that I needed to talk to you first. He's very concerned about why his Auntie Amanda was crying in the elevator, and quite frankly, so am I."
Amanda is curled up into a ball in the middle of the couch with her back turned away from Olivia, her shoulders shaking again as she desperately tries to get ahold of her rapidly spiraling emotions. She feels the cushions dip down behind her with the added weight of another body, sucking in a sharp breath when strong arms slide around her midsection and she finds herself being pulled back against the curvy figure of her lieutenant, Olivia's chin resting on her shoulder.
"Tell me what's going on, honey," the older woman whispers into her ear, Amanda shivering in response as Olivia's hair brushes the heated skin of her cheek and she is surrounded by the soothing scent of vanilla. "If you're worried about what happened in my office, I promise you and I are okay. And I understand why you came here to confront Brian. Thank you for having my back."
Amanda goes stiff with shock in Olivia's embrace right when she had been about to melt against her friend's comforting frame, completely taken aback by what the brunette has just said and her heart striking up an uneven rhythm inside her chest. Confronting Cassidy about his cowardly behavior and the way he had dragged Olivia into a mess of his own creation had been a spur-of-the-moment decision on Amanda's part, showing up at the older woman's apartment with that anger and jealously threatening to explode; the intense emotions only heightening as she and Cassidy had engaged in a very loud shouting match.
"I thought you would be angry," she murmurs under her breath, sinking deeper into the cushions as another tear drips down her cheek. "I wasn't going to tell you what I did. It was just supposed to be between Cassidy and I."
"He told me that you were the person who convinced him to turn himself in," Olivia explains softly, Amanda unable to turn around to meet the other woman's eyes while they talk. "I've had some time to think about everything that has happened and I'm not angry; not anymore." There is a slight pause, one that has Amanda tilting her head in curiosity. "I'm feeling a lot of other things, though."
"Like what?" she utters in a low tone, hope and dread coiled so tightly together inside of her that she can barely differentiate between the two.
"I'm feeling very grateful to have someone in my life who will protect me at all costs; who doesn't think twice about sticking up for me or letting me know when I need to get my act together," Olivia replies quietly, Amanda's hope quickly beginning to overtake the dread.
"I'm really surprised to hear you say that, Liv," she admits in astonishment, far too familiar with most of their discussions ending in an argument, despite how much closer they have become. "It definitely didn't used to be like this."
"Well, things have been changing a lot between us lately and we've gotten to know each other better," Olivia answers gently, Amanda feeling the older woman's grip tighten around her. "You've been there for me whenever I've needed you; you've shown me how much I can trust you. And now I want to be here for you. Whatever is going on, I want you to know that you can trust me too."
"I know that, Liv, thank you," Amanda says appreciatively, trying to keep herself from melting entirely into the enticing body of her boss. "I was worried that I had ruined things between us by coming down so hard on you. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship." It is a true testament to the late hour and the volatile mix of high stress and extreme emotions when she speaks her next words. "Because that's all I've ever wanted...a friendship with you."
"Really?" Olivia whispers behind her, a knowing tone in her voice that has Amanda frowning in confusion. "That's all you've ever wanted?"
"What do you mean?" she asks carefully, suddenly on high alert as she straightens up on the cushions, and ready to make a break for the door again if this conversation starts to go south.
"Amanda, can you turn around and look at me, please?"
Amanda reluctantly does as she is told, shifting very slowly on the cushions until she is sitting there eye to eye with Olivia, choosing not to speak and waiting with trepidation for the older woman to keep talking.
"When I saw him last night, Brian mentioned something else besides your confrontation in my apartment," Olivia continues softly, her hand coming up to brush some errant strands of hair away from Amanda's forehead. "And it's something that I've been wondering about myself for the past little while."
"And what's that?" Amanda feels a stab of irritation slicing through the knot of other emotions, and struggles to hold in an exasperated sigh at the notion of Brian Cassidy gossiping about her behind her back.
"Whether or not you feel something for me that goes deeper than our friendship or our work relationship," Olivia murmurs gently, their eyes locked intently onto each other and Amanda schooling her features into a blank look.
"And Cassidy thinks I do?" she snorts in response, not daring to either confirm or deny Olivia's suspicion, and feeling that irritation rapidly escalating into anger. "After a conversation between us that only lasted about five minutes?"
"Apparently he picked up on something," Olivia says in a low tone, her hands raising slightly into the air as if in defense of her ex-boyfriend and those chocolate orbs boring very steadily into her own blue ones. "And I'm not sure you would be in my living room in the middle of the night if there wasn't anything deeper going on here."
"I was worried about you, Liv," Amanda mutters in reply, her gaze falling away from Olivia's and training stubbornly on her lap while trying to ignore the sickening pounding of her heart. "You've been through a lot."
"Well, I'm worried about you too," Olivia says quietly, reaching out to squeeze Amanda's hand and lacing their fingers together. "I've never seen you so upset after an argument we've had. You usually just take it in stride and get on with things. It never seems to bother you that much."
"Actually, it's always bothered me, Olivia, but I can usually do a better job of hiding it," Amanda confesses with a shrug, picking at a loose thread on her jeans with fingertips that are noticeably trembling.
"It bothers me too." Olivia's own confession has Amanda's gaze swinging back up to meet her lieutenant's, her breath catching in her throat at the sheer depth of emotion she sees residing there. "I don't like fighting with you."
"I don't like it either." Amanda's voice is hushed when she speaks, and she can feel a thin layer of sweat coating the hand that Olivia is still grasping ahold of. "Especially now."
"Why now?"
"Because you've been through so much lately." Amanda is deliberately avoiding the topic of discussion that Olivia is dancing around, not wanting to let on just how deep her feelings go. "I don't want to add to your stress."
Olivia arches an eyebrow at her like she knows Amanda isn't being completely honest, but before either of them can utter another word, Noah is calling out for his mother again.
"We might have to continue this conversation after we get some sleep," Olivia says as she lets go of Amanda's hand and gets to her feet. "I'll go check on him and then make up a bed for you on the couch, but I don't think he's going to settle down until I'm in there with him for the rest of the night. When we get some more time alone, maybe you can tell me what's really going on."
Amanda rakes her hands back through her hair as she slumps there on the couch, whispering the words under her breath when Olivia has hurried from the room and she can hear her speaking soothingly to Noah, finally putting a voice to what she has been feeling for the past several months.
"What's really going on is that I've fallen head over heels in love with my boss."
