Warnings: Contains tack wars, thumb wars and best of all, penis wars. If you have anything against penises, tack, thumbs or even war, don't drink and drive. Or read this for that matter, it's for your own protection.
Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, there would never be a shortage of butt secks.
The Penis War Diaries!
Default Chapter
Sometimes, Naruto sat and wondered why he had wasted his time and energy fighting nail and tooth to get Sasuke back, because now that he actually was back, the Uchiha was making his life a living hell. He was pretty certain that the reason behind Sasuke's 'rescue' from the old guy who just wouldn't die largely involved Sakura, who was starting to seem less and less grateful because she'd started dating fuzzy eyebrows, which was a concept Naruto just couldn't grasp. There he was; Uzumaki Naruto, a fine specimen of the male gender, whose eyebrows were not the size of an obese caterpillar he might add, but still, Sakura went and chose Lee over him. It was definitely the spandex. He was sure of it.
"Damn you, Lee." he mumbled under his breath, wondering why he let Jiraiya destroy his pair. If he hadn't, then he would probably be a chick magnet like Lee. Admittedly being a magnet didn't sound appealing to him, but he figured the chicks would more than make up for it.
"What's wrong with you now, dumbass?" Sasuke asked, flicking the blond over the head with his finger. Naruto scowled, shifting away from the annoying Uchiha. The boy really was a thorn in his side. Not only did he always have people trying to kill him for his eyes, most of the village hated him now and thus hated Naruto more for bringing him back. If he had known that the whole, 'rescue Sasuke' thing would come back and bite him in the ass, he would have told Sakura to get bent and gotten himself some new friends. Like Gaara, who he thought was cool, in a completely non-weird and creepy way.
"Go away, teme." He grumbled; looking at the scar across his arm he had gotten in his fight with Orochimaru. That was another reason why he hated Sasuke; scars.
"Did you just call me 'you'?" the Uchiha asked incredulously, looking at Naruto like he thought he was stupid, which he wasn't. Naruto could honestly say that he was the smartest person he knew.
"Yeah, he called you 'you'." Naruto glared at Sai wondering why and when he and Sasuke decided to be friends. If he had found out sooner, he would have killed himself on the spot.
"Why did you call me that?" Sasuke asked, raising a thin brow in confusion.
"Because he's got a small penis." Sai, the thorn in Naruto's other side replied. The blond, once again, wondered why he bothered trying to be friends with Sai of all people. Sure it was crazy cool when he called Sakura an ugly hag, but after a while, he got weird and started reading friendship books and then committed the mother of all crimes, and called Ino gorgeous. As if her ego hadn't been overinflated already. Everything had gone downhill from there. Their love/hate relationship changed from then on, things would never be the same again.
"Small compared to whose?" Sasuke asked, apparently interested because penises had been mentioned.
"Small compared to yours?" Sai's answer was more of a question than an answer.
"My penis isn't small!" The blond growled. Naruto happened to be very proud of his size, and he wouldn't let the two people who just happened to be the banes of his rather happy existence ruin it for him. Of course, the two boys ignored him.
"Well everyone's is small compared to mine." Sasuke sniffed smugly, running a hand through his hair in apparent self appreciation. Naruto snorted, wondering why his penis jumped at the mention of Sasuke's penis. Maybe it was defective, he heard that was what had happened to Neji's.
"What planet are you living on?" Sai asked, laughing his strange high pitched and completely fake laugh. Naruto always wondered if he practiced it, it always had the same breathy but squeaky quality to it. It was rather annoying, not at all like his manly chuckle.
"I swear, mine is bigger than yours." The Uchiha winked. And Naruto almost choked on air. Sasuke was a weirdo.
"Yes," Sai nodded in understanding, "In your dreams that is."
"Mine is bigger than both of yours combined, so shut up!" Naruto shouted, shutting both boys up immediately. He wanted to do his victory dance, but he decided to leave it until later when there were 'kyaa-ing' fan girl types around. Those were his kind of people.
"Yeah right dumbasss," Sasuke replied, snorting.
"Is so!" Naruto shouted back, "I'll slap you in the face with it if you want proof!"
"Okay, I'll show you mine, if you show me yours first then." Sasuke suggested, unzipping his shorts.
"Fine!" Naruto replied, following suit, flushing slightly. He wasn't so sure he wanted to prove his penis was bigger anymore.
Sai just stood back and watched. And thus the penis war began.
TBC
Just an idea I've been playing around with for quite a while now. Tell me if you think I should continue with it.
