For the first time in six months I'd missed work. My boss had phoned around 11 o'clock and I'd said I was sick, I couldn't bring myself to tell him the real reason for my absence. Saying it out loud would make it real and I wasn't ready for reality just yet. I took a big swallow of beer and felt a burning sensation in the back of my throat. I'd wanted something stronger, woken up craving it and the blissful numbness it would provide, but beer was the only alcohol we had. It wasn't working as quickly as I'd hoped, I was on my sixth (or was it seventh?) bottle and I could still feel the waves of sadness and despair coursing through my body.
The letter sat on the coffee table in front of me where it had remained since Saturday morning. It was crumpled and disfigured from where Pony had clutched it in his first and I knew if I were to smooth it out and read it the words would be smudged from his tears. I hated that damn letter with every fibre of my being, more than I'd ever hated anything or anyone. That flimsy piece of paper bought our whole world crashing down around us and I don't think I've got the strength to build it up again.
Somehow this feels worse than when mom and dad died. Maybe because we've lost so much already it's like rubbing salt in an open wound. Or maybe I know things are different this time, I know that I can't cope anymore. No matter how hard I try to keep my family together they keep getting yanked away from me. I drain the bottle and reach for another.
XXX
"Hey Darry." I sit up straight in my chair and gape at the person who's just walked through my front door.
"What. . . what the hell are you doing back here?!" I stammer, my head swimming and my vision slightly blurry. I squint my eyes and stare until I'm sure it's him. I'd recognise my brother anywhere and he looks exactly the same as he did before he left - even his hair is the same. I always thought they made you keep it short in the army but I guess he managed to charm his way outta having it cut.
"I just got out of school." He replied, kicking his shoes off so they bounced against the wall. Soda always did hate shoes.
"Haha, very funny smart guy!" He'd dropped out of school ages ago, I remember having a massive argument with him about it. "Seriously though, did you only get back just now?"
"Yeh, just this second." He grinned that killer smile of his and I realised with a prang how much I'd missed it.
"I can't believe your back! Come over here and give your big brother a hug!" I staggered to my feet and held my arms. He smiled again, shaking his head like he couldn't understand why I wanted to hug him, even after he'd been gone all this time. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, squeezing him just to make sure he was really there. Funny, he felt smaller than I remembered, shorter and skinnier, his muscles less developed and defined. Guess haven't been feeding him enough out in 'Nam."I've missed you so much Pepsi-cola."
He suddenly goes stiff in my arms and tries to pull back.. That's not like Soda, Pony's the one who usually pulls away when I try and hug him. . . oh my god, Pony, I'd forgotten all about him!
"Pony's gonna be so jazzed to see you Soda, ah man the kid's gonna go crazy! He'll be back in from school any minute now. He's missed you something awful Sodapop, things just haven't been right since you left. Me and him, we just can't manage without you Soda, we need you. . . but it doesn't matter anymore because you're back! You'll never guess what they told us Soda, they sent us a letting saying you'd died! Can you believe it. . . I thought we'd have to bury you!"
Soda makes a strange noise, like a strangled sob, but I've already pulled him back against my chest so it's muffled by my shirt. I guess it's all a bit much for him, being back here with us after being away for so long. Soda always said he was the bawl baby of this family. I absentmindedly stroke the back of Soda's hair as I stare at the clock trying to work out how long it'll be until Pony gets home. For some reason the clock hands won't stay still long enough for me to read it.
"Shhh, it's alright Soda. You're home now, everything's going to be alright." Suddenly Soda began to shake his head, butting it against my chest so hard I had to let him go. He stumbled away from me, still shaking his head manically.
"Darry no! It's not alright, nothing is ever gonna be alright ever again!"
"What are you talking about Soda? You're getting yourself all worked up, lets just sit down and wait for Ponyboy to get home then we can sort everything out ok? Just calm down for a minute!"
"What are you talking about Darry?! You're not making sense, you . . ." He trailed off, his eyes finding the mess of empty beer bottles surrounding the couch. "You've been drinking." He stated flatly. "You're drunk."
Suddenly I felt ashamed. I'd promised him when he'd left that I'd cope, that I'd look after Ponyboy and make sure life carried on without him. But I'd failed and I'd let him down.
"It's been hard Soda. . . you weren't here, you can't understand. Sitting opposite your empty seat every night at dinner, finding your stupid baseball cards stuffed down the side of the couch, having girls coming up to me and asking why you haven't called them yet. And Ponyboy, he cries himself to sleep every night. He's changed Soda, something's died deep down inside him and I don't know how to bring it back to life." I could feel tears pricking at my eyes so I welcomed the sudden eruption of white hot rage that burst out of me. "You left me Sodapop! We were a team and you left me here while you charged off to war to play hero! How do you think that felt Sodapop, how did that make me feel?!"
"It wasn't like that Darry, you know it wasn't." His voice was pleading now, begging me to believe him. I knew I was being mean and unreasonable, but I couldn't seem to stop. "I had to go, I got that letter remember? I had to go."
"Bull, you and Steve had been talking about joining the army ever since this damn war started! Don't lie to me Sodapop Curtis, don't you dare lie to me after all you've put us through!"
He was shaking his head now, sadly this time. "I'm sorry Darry, I'm really sorry. I've got to go now, I think it's for the best. I'll just leave right now and we can forget this whole thing ever happened. . . "
"NO!" The loudness of my voice surprised even me. Soda jumped like he'd been shot. "You're not going anywhere. You're staying right here with me, I'm never letting you out of my sight ever again. I can't lose you a second time Soda. . . I just can't." I grabbed his forearm and pulled him back towards me. "Not again."
"Darry please, please I have to go now. Please it's important, I need to go and get someone. I'll go and get someone to help you and then I'll come back ok? I promise I'll be back."
"I don't need anyone Soda, I just need you to stay here with me. That's all I've ever needed, you and Pony here with me. Now we're going to stay here and wait on Pony and then. . . "
"Darry stop it! You don't know what you're talking about, I'm here already! I'm not Soda Darry, can't you see!"
"What are you talking about? Of course you're Soda, I'm standing right here looking at you. You have to be Soda, you have to be. . . " I squeezed his arm harder as panic gripped me.
"Darry stop, you're hurting me! I'm not him Darry, I'm not Soda!" Soda began to struggle, clawing at my hand while trying to pull himself free. I started to drag him back towards me and he began to flail wildly, twisting and bucking to break free of my grip. He was crying properly now, babbling hysterically.
"Stop it!" I roared at the top of my voice and before I knew what was happening I'd raised my head and backhanded him hard around the face. Everything froze suddenly, only our hard breathing broke through the silence. "Oh my God, Soda I'm sorry . . . so sorry."
He turned his head around slowly to face me and somehow he wasn't Soda anymore. His hair began to change from blonde to auburn, his eyes from brown to green. He was shrinking as well, his frame becoming smaller and slimmer right before my eyes.
"Ponyboy?" I breathed. He stared up at me with wide fearful eyes and slowly nodded his head. I sat down heavily on the couch and put my head in my hands. "But you. . . he. . . he was here. It was Soda, I saw him. He spoke to me. Where . . . how . . . "
Tears were starting to run down my face and I couldn't stop them. My head was swimming and I felt slightly nauseous. What the hell was going on? I'd never felt so confused in my life. "He was here!" I turned to Pony, silently begging him to tell me he'd seen Soda too.
He stared at me for a long moment before drawing a deep breath and taking a cautious step forward. Tears were running unchecked down his face and his left cheek had flushed bright red but his voice was soft and calm when he spoke. "Soda's dead Darry. He got shot in Vietnam. We got the letter on Saturday and they're flying his body over on Thursday. Soda's gone Darry, and he's not coming back."
I sat back against the couch and covered my face with my hands. I tried to force the sobs down, holding my breath to stop them escaping. My body started to shudder and shake. I felt the couch dip down beside me and knew without looking that Pony had sat down. I sucked in a deep breath and began to count to ten in my head, just like the social worker had told me to. By the time I'd reached ten the sobs had died down but the tears were still falling. I felt Pony grab my hand, his long, delicate figures linking up with mine. I knew he was waiting for me to squeeze back, to reassure him that everything was ok, that I was ok, but I couldn't make myself move.
"Darry?" He whispered, his voice thick with tears. I forced myself to ignore how young and scared he sounded, just like I'd ignored his hand. It was the only way I could stop myself from falling apart completely. "I'm sorry Darry."
I could feel him watching me, waiting for me to give him something, anything, to let him know that I'd heard him. I wanted to, more than anything else in the world, but I couldn't. He stood up and I was aware of him walking down the hall although I didn't move my eyes away from the opposite wall. I hoped he'd gone to his room to curl up under the covers and cry himself to sleep. At least then he wouldn't have to see me like this, so lost and hopeless and out of control.
A few seconds later I felt him sit back down beside me. He lent over and stuck his face right in front of mine, so close that I couldn't help but look at him. As my eyes focused in on his face I realised he was wearing Soda's DX hat.
"Look Darry, look I'm Soda." His voice quivered as he placed one cool hand on the side of my face. "Everything's gonna be ok now. I'm gonna make chocolate cake for breakfast and help you with the bills and me and you can look after Ponyboy together ok? Everything's alright now, I'm home. I've come home."
His words trailed off to a desperate whisper but I could do nothing but stare blankly back at him. With a stifled sob he wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling himself into my lap. He pressed his cheek against mine, his warm salty tears mingling with mine until I couldn't tell where mine began and his ended. As his fingers dug desperately into the back of my neck I lent my head back and closed my eyes. Maybe I could pretend he was Soda, just for tonight . . .
