Yes, LightningHunter is here, to hit back at those very, very bad fics. Let's start off with the badly written fic, shall we?


The author, inexperienced and useless, had failed every single literacy test, and no idea how the way of fanfictions work, began to think of a bad story.

Title: SUP3R NARU2

Summary: AFT3R G3TNG BAETN UP BY VILAEGRS NARU2 M3RGES WIT KYUBI AND BCOMES SUPER STRONG

Genre: Adventure/Romance (Everyone looks for those, so it's good to put mine there, thought the author happily).

CHAPTAR 1

NARUTO WAS G3TNG BAETN BY DA VILAEGRS AND FINALY THEY L3FT HIM AND HA FEL UNCONSCIOS!11!!!!!! OMG HA FOUND HIMS3LF IN HIS MIND AND A GIANT DAMON IN FRONT OF HIM!!1!!!!1! "OMG WTF WHO R U?!!!!??" HE SHOUT3D. "IM TEH KYUBI AND M S3AELD IN U!11!!! WTF I WIL M3RGE WIT U AND U CAN R MAH POWER!1!1!11"

The author happily typed that load of bollocks onto the computer, when suddenly the wall broke down.

"AH!" screamed Naruto. "Enough! You are in violation of code LH:78352!"

"WUT TAHT??!!!??? OMG LOL IVA NEV3R HEARD OF IT!" said the author.

"Your terrible writing skills have created a bullshit fanfiction!" shouted Naruto. "And as well as that, you and others block up the decent fanfics!"

"R U GONG 2 D3L3T3 MAH ACOUNT??!!??! OMG!" said the author.

Naruto chuckled, before pulling out a shotgun and pointing it at the author. "Delete your account? You wish."

The roar of a shotgun was followed by an author's screams...


Oh, that was good. Let's follow on quickly, with the good old "high school fic."

'I know!' suddenly decided a high school dropout. 'I remember how shit my high school life was, so I'll do it again by putting the Naruto characters in, except that everything goes right this time! OMG! I'm so clever!'

Title: Konoha High (unoriginal, but the sort of shit they come up with)

Summary: The gang have to deal with high school life! HIGH SCHOOL FIC! NARUHINA! SASUSAKU! (unoriginal, by yet again, typical, of the uneducated, incompetent that is a high school fic writer)

Genre: Romance/Drama (after all high school fics are so interesting...NOT!)

Chapter 1:

Sakura was walking happily to school with her best friend Hinata. They met their boyfriends, Sasuke and Naruto, and began to kiss passionately. (What's more, since these kind of fics tend to focus on the girl cast, due to female authors, let's change it slightly)

The girls sat at their lunch table. They were the most popular people in the school. They chatted about ...stuff that would become the bullshit storyline.

(Hmm, let's change it slightly again)

Their best friend, and the most popular girl in the school arrived at the table. (Also known as the author's bloody self-insert.)

Fortunately, at this point, suddenly a person broke through the window.

"Enough!" screamed LightningHunter.

"WTF?" said everyone.

"I'm counteracting your dirty self-insert with my own, clean self-insert!" said LightningHunter. "Now, time to die." The self-insert put on a hockey mask, and pulled out a chainsaw.

He made damn sure to remove every bone from the author's self-insert body, before sawing off her fingers and toes, before sawing of the hands and feet, before the legs and arms, before finally cutting through the torso, before cutting through her head. Then for good measure, he pissed on her, before lighting a match and burning her, and eventually scattering the ashes to ensure the self-insert was well and truly dead.

Oh, that was enjoyable. And no, I am not being sexist by saying a female author, but have you people ever checked the author's profile of a high-school fic? The majority do tend to be female. In fact, I can't remember the last male author who wrote a high-school fic.


Now, let's move on. I started self-inserts in the last one, so let's end it.

"My life sucks," whined a little angsty shit of an author. (Yes, I know angsty isn't a word). "I haven't even considered there are people worse off than me, people who would give their eyes and ears to be in my position. I know, I'll make a fic where I rule!"

Title: Me and the Naruto Cast

Summary: (After much consideration, the author decided to do the T.V. sucking them into the show, rather than a dream, or computer) No one told me I could get sucked into a TV while watching Naruto! Self-Insert! SI x (hmm, for pairings, I suppose, if it was male, they'd probably do an aged down version of Tsunade, or someone younger, ranging from Kurenai and Anko to Sakura and Hinata. If female, most likely Naruto or Sasuke)

Genre: Adventure/Romance

Chapter 1

(From a female author)

"Hey, I'm in the world of Naruto! Cool!" she exclaimed.

"Who are you?" said someone.

She turned to see Sasuke and Naruto.

"OMG! I'm your biggest fan! Both of you!"

"Why are you his fan?!" said Naruto.

"Fangirls..." grumbled Sasuke.

"But watch! I know all the jutsus!" said the girl, before pulling of a Rasengan and Chidori at the same time.

"That was beautiful!" said the two. "Marry me!"

"I'll marry both of you!" she squealed excitedly. "Let's start the honeymoon early!"

(From a male author)

"Hey, I'm in the world of Naruto! Cool" he exclaimed.

"Who are you?" said someone (not much difference, is there?).

He turned to see all the Naruto girl cast, all scantily clad, and bathing.

"I'm the best ninja in the world!" he said, before pulling of a Rasengan and Chidori at the same time.

"That was beautiful!" said the girls. "Marry me!"

"I'll marry all of you!" he said excitedly. "Let's start the honeymoon early!"

And how LightningHunter ends it...

(Female author)

"Enough! Psst...guys," whispered a voice, and Naruto and Sasuke turned to see a guy wearing a hoodie .

"Wow, cool outfit," said Naruto.

"I don't like it, I wanted the Ringwraith outfit," complained the guy, before moving on. "Do you want some special water to throw at your fiancée?"

"Why should we throw water at her?"

"Because it'll relax her and..." the guy broke off, seeing their unconvinced faces, before trying something new. "and she'll teach you all her jutsus."

"Deal," said the two, grabbing the bottles.

"By the way, try not to touch the stuff, or inhale it."

"Guys!" said the self-insert. "I'm ready!" she said, lying down.

"Now!" whispered the guy.

The two opened the bottles and threw the liquid at the self-insert.

"AAAH! I'M MELTING! MELTING!"

"I see!" said Naruto. "She's the Reaper of Death, and this is holy water!"

"Don't rip off my master's fics!" roared the guy.

"Your master! But that means..."

"Yes, I am LightningHunter's self-insert, created for the purpose to exterminate all self-inserts save myself!" said he. "And that, is sulphuric acid," pointing his finger at the dying self-insert. "Want to help me butcher her?"

The two agreed instantly, and butchered her, before going down to a pub, where they got filthy drunk, started several fights, played several games of darts which resulted in darts lodging themselves in Chouji's rear, read Icha Icha to kids, and generally made nuisances of themselves before waking up in jail the next day.

(Male author)

"Enough! Pervert!" said a voice, and the girls turned to see a towel-clad woman. "He's looking at all of us scantily clad! He's a pervert!"

The girls gasped, and began to beat the shit out of the self-insert, and walked away, also telling the woman to deliver the finishing blow.

"I have one question," said the dying self-insert. "Are you LightningHunter's female self-insert?"

"No, he thought that sounded creepy. I'm one of his OCs. Now, die," she said cheerfully, before castrating and killing him.

Yes, yes, that was brilliant. I know. And I did a male and female author at the same time.


Moving on. Now, let's discuss the thing I like to call a "load of shit", but the idiots who write it call it "Mpreg."

"OMG!" squealed some stupid author (who let us say is female, because I have never seen a male write mpreg. Heck, I haven't seen gay males write mpreg). "Naruto and Sasuke are so hot! I know, I'll write a incredibly crap fic on how they sleep together and have kids, even though that's impossible in every way, save my demented and fucked up imagination! But of course, I must masturbate to those disturbing images of one of them giving birth."

The author begins masturbation, while I throw up, disgusted by the mental images of Naruto and Sasuke sleeping together and having kids, but mostly at the thought of this mpreg author masturbating, and as we all know, mpreg authors are hideous, repulsive, smell very bad, cost less than a penny for you-know-what, slit their wrists, and have minds that move at the speed of shit.

"Ah, now I'm done!" suddenly exclaimed the author. "Time to write that fic! Or then again, that can wait! Time to rape my younger siblings!"

The author rapes the younger siblings, using methods Orochimaru would like to know.

"Ah, now I'm done!" exclaimed the author again. "Oh don't you cry!" she yells at her crying siblings. "I'll teach you something else that'll take away the pain! Slitting your wrists!"

The author slits the younger siblings' wrists, before going back to the computer.

Title: BABY!

Summary: NARUTO AND SASUKE GET DRUNK AND SLEEP TOGETHER! WHAT WILL THEY DO WHEN THEY DISCOVER WHEN ONE IS PREGNANT! NARUSASU! SLASH! SMUT! MPREG! LEMONY GOODNESS!

Genre: Romance (How the fuck is this romance?!")

CHAPTER 1

NARUTO WAS DRINKING, AND SO WAS SASUKE! BEFORE LONG THEY WERE WALKING HOME, SUPPORTING EACH OTHER, WONDERING WHY THEY WERE FEELING SO WARM AND FUZZY! THE NEXT THING THEY KNEW, THEY WERE-

"ENOUGH! STOP THIS!" screamed Naruto, appearing in the author's room. "MUST CENSOR WORDS!"

"RRARRGH!" shouted Kyuubi, inside Naruto. "DESTROY THE BITCH! GET RID OF THESE MENTAL IMAGES! TAKE AS MUCH CHAKRA AS YOU NEED!"

-IN A BEDROOM-

Naruto concentrated the chakra, forming a giant red spear, and he aimed at the computer and the author, hoping to take both out in one shot.

-THEY WERE UNDRES-

Naruto began to run forward.

His headband was stifling. It narrowed his vision, and he must see far. His giant shuriken was heavy. It threw him off balance. And his target is far away...

Naruto threw the spear, his mouth open in anger.

-SING EACH OTHER, AND THEN SASUKE THREW NARUTO ONTO THE-

The spear snaked through the air, heading to its target...before scratching the author and the computer.

The author slapped her hand to her face, before pulling it away, freaking out at the blood, and then suddenly started looking for bandages.

Naruto crashed to the ground, weakened by the drain of the chakra and by stopping suddenly.

The Sannin say that he is descended from the Yondaime himself. Bold Naruto gives testament to his bloodline. His roar is long and loud...

The author bandaged herself up, before continuing writing the story.

-BED, AND-

Naruto covered his ears, his eyes desperately closed.

-THEN THEY BEGAN TO-

No. Don't! Don't! Damn it don't!

-FU-

Suddenly the author froze, nine dogs holding her in place.

"Yo," said a voice behind Naruto, revealing himself to be Kakashi. "Now, deal with her!"

The dogs began to "deal with her".

"Er...what are they doing," asked Naruto, before realising himself. "Oh my days!" he said, before vomiting over the floor.

"Well, there's actually a possibility she'll enjoy it," said Kakashi, smashing the computer with a sledgehammer. "It is a proven fact that mpreg authors have fetishes for just about everything, such as bestiality, necrophilia, paedophilia, crapophilia-"

"What the fuck's that?" asked Naruto.

"When people eat crap in sexual activities," said Kakashi. "Vomit-o-philia, which I'm sure you can guess what that means, and so many other things."

"What were you doing here anyway?"

"As a man who loves sex, and I mean the good kind, not this load of shit, it is my duty to kill and maim those who would not agree with it, and make their own sick crap."

"What bonuses do you get?"

"Tell ya what. Join me as my sidekick, and I'll tell you about it on the way to kill Orochimaru off for good."

"Let's go!"

The dogs kill the author and disappear. And Naruto and Kakashi run out, as the screen fades and the old Batman theme tune begins to play in the background.

That is but a fraction I can write about the load of shit. Now, time to move on, and hopefully forget the very mention of mpreg. Heck, it's not even a word. Refer to it as a load of shit, as calling it mpreg is exactly what those dirty authors want you to call it.


As I was saying, time to move on. Let's do a short one, of people who can't write summaries.

Far away from you (and there's a thing to think yourself lucky about) an average author sits at their average computer, typing in an average story.

It's rather average, liked by fellow average people, and those below average, but they can't always understand it, as the vocabulary is somewhat different. Think of it as...a "load of shit" author trying to read a masterpiece by a brilliant author. (If you want to read some fics by brilliant authors, check my favourite authors on my profile page. What am I saying, you've already read their fics because they're that brilliant)

However, this average author is not average, as they are ridiculously stupid and have to write something like:

Can't really write a summary OR

I suck at summaries OR

You'll have to read it to find out!

You see, some idiot several years ago got the idea that if they didn't say what the story is about, more people will be interested in it.

THAT IS THE STUPIDEST, LAMEST, MOST FUCKED UP, SHIT-EATING, BITCHY, BALL-LICKING, &(!£, $$", ££, (utters several more swear words that would get me arrested) SINCE THE LOAD OF SHIT THAT THE AUTHORS OF IT CALL MPREG!

That means this is either one of several things.

The first thing is that if they can't write a summary, the story is that bollocks and random that you can't summarise the shit.

The second thing is that if they can't write a summary, they clearly can't write a fic either, and should be forgotten about, after you swear at them for filling up the site with shit.

The third thing is that the story is that bollocks that you wouldn't read it if you knew what would happen, so the author has to hope someone is a big enough prick to fall for this.

The last thing is all three of those things combined.


Moving on...

Unoriginality

Let's do a typical unoriginal story, featuring Naruto meets Kyuubi at a young age.

I know! Said an author. I've read loads of "Naruto meets Kyuubi" fics, and they're all popular, so if I wrote one, I'd become really popular as well!"

Tosser. A real tosser.

Title: Half-Demon

Summary: After getting beaten, Naruto meets Kyuubi, who lends him his great power. What will happen to Naruto now?! Greatest story ever!

Genre: Adventure/Romance

Chapter 1

Naruto was lying in the gutter picking up his teeth, when he fell unconscious. In the darkness of his mind, he found great bars, and there shined a shiny demon.

"Who are you?" he stammered.

"I am the Kyuubi, the demon sealed in you!" roared the shiny demon, shining red.

"What do you want?"

"You are too weak! Despite the fact you are only four years old, which means it's IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to start training at that age, even a ninja, I'm going to start training you and make you a worthy container!"

"Okay!"

Insert eight-year montage.

Naruto was the coolest kid in the Ninja Academy, Rookie of the Year, blah blah blah, had fangirls, blah blah blah, had fanboys, blah blah blah.

(Hey, said the author! People like harems, so if I chuck one in, I'll get more readers. Thinking of it, I should put him in a male and female harem, to attract more readers! I'm so clever!)

And he had loads of people in his male and female harem, and often got into rather gay frolics with them.

INSERT BISEXUAL LEMONS FOR ABOUT TWENTY PAGES

Then the author also added:

INSERT HOMOSEXUAL LEMONS FOR ABOUT FIFTY PAGES

Meanwhile, at LightningHunter's house...

"Free Cheese, only fill in fifty surveys...no," said he, dryly, clicking open another fanfiction page, to try and select something, when the ad we all hate appeared. "That stupid Blinx advert, taking the entire bloody page! Go to hell, you stupid, useless, hell-making, obscene...(continues rant for about five minutes, before skipping ad)"

Hunter scrolls down page, before his eye catches: "Half Demon. After getting beaten- been there, seen that, read it a thousand times- Greatest Story Ever? Let's put that to the test..."

Reads fic.

Throws up into paper-bin.

"OH MY...FUCKING GOD! THAT WAS THE GAYEST THING EVER! AND THE GAYEST ,UNORIGINAL FUCKED UP FANFICTION THAT YET AGAIN, CLOGS UP THE FUCKING PAGES! I'M GONNA WRITE TO THIS FAG AND TELL HIM/HER JUST WHAT I THINK OF HIS/HER HOMOSEXUAL NARUTO FIC!"

Begins typing.

To The Complete Gay Twat who wrote this load of shit.

Burn in the deepest abyss of hell. You damn made me fucking vomit, with your gay orgies and your complete stupidity in the summary about not mentioning that this was slash, as well as saying it was the greatest story ever. You gay faggot.

I hope you die a really painful death. Like AIDS! I want you to die of AIDS! FUCKING DIE! YOU USELESS, STUPID, DONKEY-RAPING, SHIT-EATING, COCK-SUCKING, BALL-LICKING, ASS-KISSING, BULL-SHITTING, SISTER-FUCKING, FUCKED UP WHORE!

Have a good day,

From your friendly neighbourhood LightningHunter

The author returns home, expecting ten thousand hits, fifty communities, two thousand alerts, and one hundred and fifty reviews.

Well, the author actually got fifty hits, no communities, one alerts, and seven reviews, all of which were flames.

"This is bull-shit!" exclaimed the author. "Only fifty hits, and this LightningHunter called me a Complete Gay Twat as well as a number of other things! Well, I'll revenge myself on him!"

Author puts up another chapter, saying.

This story will be on permanent hiatus, because of the –sniff, cries like a whiny bitch- person called LightningHunter who flamed my story. If you like this story, or me –as if a person like this who has no friends in real life could get friends online- flame him back until he quits. I will never write again as long as he is on this site.

And back to LightningHunter's profile

Hey everyone! It turns out I was successful in driving off this stupid fuck of an author who can't write two shits. If you want a copy of the flame I sent, PM me and I'll send it to you, and hopefully you can use it to drive off other stupid fucks.

I'll be celebrating by posting twenty omakes by the end of the week.

LightningHunter

And the end of a successful day.

Note- The flame is also remarkably efficient in getting rid of the "load of shit" authors.

Note- I'm also aware some people will try to get this deleted, or me kicked off the site. Big deal. I'll just make a new account, stories under the same names so everyone can remember me, just really a different name.

If you try to get this deleted, or kick me off the site, then you're just a –INSERT FLAME-. It means you can't handle the truth. I don't try to get these shit authors kicked off the site, and they continue writing their bollocks stories.

And why do I come off looking like the bad guy?

It's a proven fact that if all bollocks stories came of the Naruto Fanfiction, we'd probably have only about a few hundred left. I'm the better man to admit quite a few of my stories would go as well.

But I'd regret nothing.

LightningHunter

Do you have any requests for the next chapter of the parody? Otherwise, this will be a one-shot.