I'm Max, aka The-Max765 on Deviantart, and this is a collaborative work with my friend Alice aka bloodfangthegreen on Deviantart. Some things about this fic: Human!Master Hand is Dexter Timaeus and Human!Crazy Hand is Sinister Timaeus. My deviantart has my pictures of them and what they look like. Also, none of my fics will have shipping. So if you came for that bullshit, I'm just sayin'. Anyways, here it is: Amethyst Waterfall Beautiful Love-chan Ruins Everything.
CHAPTER ONE: There's a Bimbo On Our Lawn!
"Dexter, there's a rainicorn outside."
"That's strange, they don't usually migrate through here until fall. Is it hurt?"
"I dunno, but there's someone on it."
"Who in their right mind would try to tame a rainicorn? They're very territorial."
"Apparently some kinda… space hooker. Should I call Resetti?"
"No, no. This is the one who's been sending us all of those letters. I wanted her to stop, so-"
"So you let her in!? You must be crazier than me! LOOK AT HER!"
"I'd rather not, Sinister, and I have a very good reason for it."
"It's not because people keep complaining about there not being enough female characters, is it?"
"No. Just... keep an eye on her. Warp her in here, I don't want her near anyone quite yet."
"Okey-dokey! Whoops, wrong button."
"Damnit, now there are muffins everywhere. Why do we even have that button?"
"Because Muffin Button. Here we go~!"
A pipe appeared in the center of the office, and the "space hooker" climbed out of it, rather bewildered at the environment. She stared at a shelf full of various magical weapons and potions for a few minutes before finally realizing that she was in someone else's presence.
"Ahem. You are-"
"Amethyst Waterfall Beautiful Love-chan, princess of the Terran system, at your service~!" She twirled around dramatically and posed, winking and holding up a peace sign.
"Amanda Johnson, yes. I am aware of your persona. I am Dexter Timaeus, headmaster of the Smash Mansion, and this is my brother, Sinister."
"Hi~!" Sinister chirped, manically waving his hand.
"So you got my letters? Wow, you really do care about your fans, don't you? Or do you just care about me, Dexter-senpai~?"
"The former would be more appropriate to assume. And yes, we got your letters. Pelly is still processing a few thousand or so of them."
"Have you read any of them?"
"Yes. Incidentally, you will be enrolled in the Smash Academy while you're here, to further your education. We will start you at your current estimated grade level-"
"Oh, don't worry about that, I always get top marks on my tests-"
"Fifth grade."
"WHAT!? You can't be serious, Senpai."
"Don't call me 'Senpai.'"
"Also, don't call me 'senpai', either. You probably shouldn't call anyone 'senpai'. It's kinda creepy. Okay, it's really creepy." Sinister chimed in.
"It's just an honorific. It's polite." Amethyst said, indignantly.
"The correct term would be 'Dexter-sama.' 'Senpai' carries… different connotations here. You, of all people, should understand. In any case, we have quantitated your universe's physical conditions, and as such you will be housed in the East Wing of the Mansion."
"Ooh, isn't that the fantasy wing with all the hot guys?"
"Unfortunately, yes. You will be roommates with…" He sifted through some papers, trying to find someone she wouldn't try to molest, "Palutena."
"Oh. Well, at least I get to be around another goddess, I guess."
The Brothers just looked at each other for a few seconds, practically facepalming.
"I certainly hope you aren't being literal, Amanda."
"My name is AMETHYST. And I am being literal. I'm half human, half fairy, and half angel. That's basically a goddess, right?"
"I'm... not sure you know quite how fractions work."
"How..? ...Ew." Said Sinister, the thought of copulating fairies and angels and various wings sticking out of a baby accidentally creeping himself out.
"You're just jealous of my power and beauty and stuff."
"I can assure you that is not the case. Your room is the twelfth on the right on the third-floor corridor of the East Wing. The door is behind you. I'll see you in the mess hall at six o'clock sharp. Don't be late, Peach is making cake for everyone."
She stood there for a minute or so, staring blankly at Dexter, who had gone back to doing paperwork at mach speed. Sinister walked over to the newcomer.
"See this thing? It's called a 'door.' You can use it to leave the room and not get removed from it forcibly by a giant, angry hand. Simply press the 'A' button to avoid getting flicked to death! Easy, right?" She stared at Sinister for a few more seconds.
"Your hair is so pretty, Sinister-senpai. EEK!" Suddenly, Sinister's left glove engulfed his body, picked up the obtuse girl, and, true to his word, flicked her out of the office through a portal.
"I warned you!" Sinister, still in his Hand form, shouted through the aperture, wagging his finger disapprovingly. He shut the portal, and Amethyst got to her feet. She looked around the room; It looked like she was in the drawing room of a castle. Light filtered down from ten-foot-tall arched windows swathed with blue-velvet curtains, between which there were displays of various weapons, suits of armour, shields, and various bizarre artifacts. On the far end of the room was a grand fireplace with an incredibly complicated coat-of-arms hung above it, along with the skulls of an enormous dragon and an equally enormous boar-like creature. The walls were lined with shelves heaped with books and yet more strange devices, and the tables were cluttered with an odd juxtaposition of training swords, empty potion bottles, and a handful of beaten-up gamecube controllers. More importantly, there was a collection of twenty-or-so people staring in a combination of confusion, amusement, and dread at their new counterpart. A particularly austere-looking young man in blue spoke up.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Amethyst Waterfall Beautiful Love-chan, Princess of the Terran system and Guardian of the Life-"
"Hold on, aren't you the one that's been sending Dexter all of those letters?" Said a winged boy who was fiddling around with a bizarre artifact.
"There weren't that many." She said, indignantly.
"Quill had to get surgery in his shoulder because of all the letters he had to carry." chimed in a green-clad kid who looked like he'd just escaped from a cartoon. This seemed to irk the austere young man yet more.
"What, exactly, are you doing here? Please tell me you're only visiting…"
"I'm a new fighter~!"
"Oh, goddamnit. Not again." He sighed, clearly dreading the next few months around this obnoxious newcomer. "Well, if you're going to stay in my wing of the Smash Mansion, you're going to have to follow the rules. Most importantly, rules number 4, 5 and 27, addendum A."
"What?"
"Please don't tell me you neglected to read the rules." The other occupants of the room looked at Amethyst as if to say, "You've messed up big-time."
"Fine, if you insist on making me do everything. Rule number 4 states, 'No-one is to make sexual advances on the head of the Fantasy Wing.' Rule 5 states, 'no-one is to make unwanted sexual advances on anyone in the Fantasy Wing.' Finally, and possibly more urgently, rule 27, addendum A states that, 'smashers are not to wear nothing but lingerie.' I get that you're a hero and all, but frankly you've taken wearing underwear on the outside much too far. Are you even listening?" The question was more than valid, since she seemed to be attempting to burn a hole in his face with her stare.
"You're very handsome."
"Please refer to rule #4, thank you."
"But aren't rules meant to be broken, Marth-senpai?"
"Not my rules, and- Wait, how do you know my name?"
"I'm a huuuge fan of your games~!"
"Uh-huh, sure. Summarize for me, if you will, the plot of Fire Emblem 1."
"Umm…"
"That's what I thought."
"You can't really be a fan of something if you know nothing about it." Said a gangly young man wearing the same thing as the kid from earlier.
"That's not true! You just don't understand! You- you BAKA!" She ran away crying.
"See, this is why I don't talk."
