Fairy Tale Mishaps

By: Andrea Gordon

The characters for this play are: Jack, Jack, Hansel, Little Red Riding Hood, Opera Windfrey, Harley Davidson, Cinderella, Belle, Belle, Queen Of Hearts, Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty.

(Our scene begins with OPERA WINDFREY sitting in a chair. Behind her, all the fairy tale people are in a frozen position.)

OPERA WINDFREY

Hello! My name is Opera Windfrey and I'm your host for today. If you have any questions, please ask the front desk. Today I will be the story about Little Red Riding Hood.

(All the other characters leave except LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD. She un-freezes and waves at the audience.)

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Sup, y'all? My name is- well actually, I don't really have a name. Why me?

OPERA WINDFREY

No one knows, Red. Anyway, Little red riding hood was-

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Hey! Don't say I'm little! Just because I'm shorter then you doesn't mean that I have to be little. And about that wolf. Where is he when you need him? I need him as a lawyer to sue YOU!

(LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD exits. OPERA WINDFREY is silent for a second, then starts again with a different story.)

OPERA WINDFREY

Okay. That was interesting. Let's try "Hansel And Gretel". This one should be easier.

(HANSEL walks on looking around.)

HANSEL

Have you seen Gretel? I've been looking for her for a really long time.

OPERA WINDFREY

No, I haven't seen her.

HANSEL

Darn! Do you think she's still at that evil lady's sweet but evil house?

OPERA WINDFREY

Probably.

HANSEL

Oh, good. I better look for her before mom finds out.

(HANSEL runs off.)

OPERA WINDFREY

This is getting interesting. Let's try "Jack and the Beanstalk." Mm-hmm. Jack was-

JACK

Shhhh! I'm not Jack!

OPERA WINDFREY

Yes you are. It says right here in the story.

JACK

No! I'm Rumplestilskin! Rumplestilskin!

OPERA WINDFREY

I'm sorry, but-

JACK

Shhhhh! Let me spin straw into gold for you. Maybe that will make you be quiet! By the way, have you seen a giant?

(JACK runs away to go look for the giant.)

OPERA WINDFREY

Ugh! This is getting tiring! Maybe Sleeping Beauty might have something.

(SLEEPING BEAUTY wakes up, suddenly hearing her name. She stretches, yawns and gets up.)

SLEEPING BEAUTY

What did ya want me for? I was trying to get my beauty sleep! And my name is Aurora.

OPERA WINDFREY

Sorry. I was trying to tell a story.

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Good. I just love stories!

(SLEEPING BEAUTY sits in front of OPERA WINDFREY. She shakes her head and moves on to the next story. SLEEPING BEAUTY lies down on the floor and snores loudly.)

OPERA WINDFREY

Now I shall try "Cinderella."

CINDERELLA

Yeah?

OPERA WINDFREY

Yeah what?

CINDERELLA

I heard my name.

OPERA WINDFREY

So? I'm telling a story about you.

CINDERELLA

About me? Oh I'm flattered. Have you seen my shoe?

OPERA WINDFREY

No I haven't. I'm sorry.

CINDERELLA

Fine. I'll look for it myself!

(CINDERELLA storms off.)

OPERA WINDFREY

Maybe I should tell a nursery rhyme instead. Jack and Jill.

JACK

Stop looking at me. Why are you all looking at me?

OPERA WINDFREY

Uh...Jack? Are you Okay?

JACK

Jack? Whose Jack? Oh, right, me. Heh, heh. Stop talking to me! No, I'm not going to a gym after this. Why don't you go?

OPERA WINDFREY

Jack? Who are you talking to? And where's Jill?

JACK

Jill? There is no Jill in my life. The little voice told me. Who are you, and what are you doing here?

OPERA WINDFREY

Okay. This story is over. Let's go to Beauty and the Beast.

(JACK is dragged away shouting at the voices inside his head. COUNTRY BELLE walks in and starts to sing.)

COUNTRY BELLE(singing)

Little town, it's a quiet village.

(JACK runs in.)

JACK

Little town, it's a quiet village. Little town, like the one before. Little town, the people say-

COUNTRY BELLE

Hey! This is my song! Go away!

JACK

The little voice told me to.

COUNTRY BELLE

Whatever! I'm leaving!

(JACK sadly walks away. BELLE AT THE BALL runs in.)

BELLE AT THE BALL

No! You can't leave! You become me! If you're not here, I'm not here!

COUNTRY BELLE

I'm sorry, but I don't want to be here any more!

BELLE AT THE BALL

Why does this always have to happen? Why, why?

(COUNTRY BELLE walks off. BELLE AT THE BALL runs off crying.)

OPERA WINDFREY

All righty then. Moving on.

(SLEEPING BEAUTY wakes up. She looks around, confused.)

SLEEPING BEAUTY

This isn't my room!

(SLEEPING BEAUTY storms off.)

OPERA WINDFREY

I'm telling now: Alice In Wonderland.

QUEEN OF HEARTS

Have you seen Alice? Where is that girl? She still owes me a croquet game! Off with her head!

(QUEEN OF HEARTS runs off, looking for Alice.)

OPERA WINDFREY

Where is that Professor Davidson when you need him?

(HARLEY DAVIDSON, who has been off this whole time, runs on. He is wearing a lab coat.)

HARLEY DAVIDSON

You called?

OPERA WINDFREY

Ah. There you are, Harley. I've been waiting for you.

HARLEY DAVIDSON

Yeah, sure you were. And it's Professor Davidson. Not Harley Davidson.

OPERA WINDFREY

But that's your name.

HARLEY DAVIDSON

Well, what did you want?

OPERA WINDFREY

I was wondering if---

HARLEY DAVIDSON

Wondering? That's what everybody does now a days! Wonder! If I had...

(His voice trails off as he leaves. OPERA WINDFREY has one last story to tell.)

OPERA WINDFREY

Finally, our last story. "Rapunzel."

RAPUNZEL

Don't read the story right.

OPERA WINDFREY

Huh?

RAPUNZEL

Don't read the story right!

OPERA WINDFREY

Why?

RAPUNZEL

Because every time people read Rapunzel, that horrible prince comes and pulls on my hair. That really hurts! You have no idea what a 178 lb. man feels like on your head! It really hurts!

OPERA WINDFREY

Okay. But I still have to read-

RAPUNZEL

Nevermind. I'll just hide myself from that prince so he can't find me.

OPERA WINDFREY

Fine. (Looks at her watch.) Look at the time! Yay! It's time for my coffee break!

(OPERA WINDFREY gets up and leaves for a while.)

AD-LIB NEXT SCENES!

(JACK starts the closing scene huddled in a corner. JACK is right next to him.)

JACK

You're Jack, and I'm Jack. Whoa! This is one crazy mixed up world I live in.

JACK

But I'm not Jack! I'm Rumplestilskin!

JACK

Shhhhh! They don't know that!

JACK

But they're supposed to!

JACK

Well, they don't.

(JACK gets up because he hears the giant's voice. His disguise falls off in the mean time.)

JACK

Ahhh! I'm still Rumplestilskin!

JACK

Ahhhhh! You melted! Ahhhhhhh!

(JACK screams one more time then runs away. COUNTRY BELLE walks on.)

COUNTRY BELLE

My, my! That was a huge castle! Where'd the other me go?

(COUNTRY BELLE walks off. BELLE AT THE BALL runs on.)

BELLE AT THE BALL

Where did I go? Oh, it's the fifth grade Shakespeare play all over again!

(She exits. QUEEN OF HEARTS walks on with CINDERELLA.)

QUEEN OF HEARTS

So, I hear you're good at cleaning.

CINDERELLA

I'm pretty good. My sisters always tease me about it.

QUEEN OF HEARTS

That's all right. You can work for me any day.

CINDERELLA

Really?

QUEEN OF HEARTS

Are you questioning me, young lady?

CINDERELLA(surprised)

N-n-o. Of course not.

QUEEN OF HEARTS

Now are you saying I'm stupid?

CINDERELLA

No.

QUEEN OF HEARTS

Off with her head!

(CINDERELLA screams and runs away. QUEEN OF HEARTS chases after her. SLEEPING BEAUTY and RAPUNZEL walk on together.)

RAPUNZEL

Is it relaxing sleeping for 100 years?

SLEEPING BEAUTY

Kinda. What's it like having really long hair?

RAPUNZEL

It's so beautiful to have, but a curse to brush it.

SLEEPING BEAUTY

I bet it is. (YAWN) Well, I think it's time for me to go back to sleep. G'night.

RAPUNZEL

G'night.

(They both walk off. LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD and HANSEL walk on together.)

HANSEL

Did your grandma really get eaten by a wolf?

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Yeah. Did you and your sister really find a house of candy?

HANSEL

Yes. I think she's still there, too. I still want to find her.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

What a devoted brother!

HANSEL

I actually don't want to get in trouble with my mom.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Ah. I see.

(They also walk off. HARLEY DAVIDSON and OPERA WINDFREY are still fighting over who has the worst job. JACK is now huddled in a different corner, and mumbling the little town song. JACK is running for his from the giant. COUNTRY BELLE and BELLE AT THE BALL are dancing together and talking in French. SLEEPING BEAUTY and RAPUNZEL are asleep. SLEEPING BEAUTY is using RAPUNZEL's hair as a blanket. HANSEL wanders off in search of his sister, and LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD sits on the ground and opens her basket that she was supposed to take to grandma's house. She eats everything inside.)

THE END!!!!!!!!!