Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf. Never have, never will.
Chapter 1: Impact
"Um, sir?" said Kryten timidly from behind the locked door.
"What is it now Kryte?" replied Lister. He was fully ensconced in his bunk with 20 issues of What Bike? and his own body weight in lager to drink. He wasn't planning on moving for a very long time. But Kryten seemed to have another idea. The mechanoid had already been to the door of Starbug's sleeping quarters 5 times in the last half hour, asking Lister various questions, such as his preference on how his socks were ironed, and exactly how many cornflakes Lister wanted for breakfast. Lister was starting to think that Rimmer was right when he said Kryten had Mad-Droid disease. He finally got fed up after "Exactly what temperature curry sauce, sir?" and locked himself in his sleeping quarters with, as far as Lister was concerned, all he needed in life.
"I'm sorry to bother you again, sir, but it's quite urgent." called Kryten.
That's what you said the last 5 times you bothered me. Still, Lister decided to humor the old boy. He reluctantly detached himself from his bunk, oozed over and disabled the lock.
"I'm so sorry to bother you again, sir. I know I've been a tad…tetchy (he grimaced)… today, but I just want to make you happy. Now that we've lost Red Dwarf and I don't have 10 miles worth of ship to take care of, I find myself at a loose end most days. I-"
"Kryten, get on with it and then leave me alone, for smeg's sake."
"Well, sir, I just came to tell you that we're sort of about to crash into an S3 planet. Mr. Rimmer's changing to the red alert bulb as we speak."
"Smeg!" yelled Lister. "Why didn't you just tell me instead of all that namby pamby stuff about being in deep space too long?!"
"I just felt so bad about bothering you, sir!" replied Kryten in a hurt tone.
"Well never mind that now." said Lister as he headed full-speed towards the cockpit. "What's our plan of action?" As Lister finished his sentence he entered the cockpit and joined the rest of the crew. The Cat was busy exclaiming that this crash better not mess up his hair, and Rimmer, as usual, was taking a deep breath and getting ready to insult him.
"Save it, Rimmer. We need to do something about this."
Rimmer shut his mouth with a glare and went back to staring at the panel in front of him. He was looking his normal self: smarmy, wide-nostriled, and sharp, right down to the shiny boots you could eat off of. He was dressed in blue, having switched over to hard-light the moment danger was presented. Lister had to admit that after Legion had given him his hard-light bee, Rimmer had changed. He became more….responsible or something. Lister knew how much not being able to touch bothered Rimmer (he never stopped whining about it after all); but now Rimmer usually stayed in soft-light form anyway. He knew it drained their precious power supply to stay in hard-light form all the time, so he only switched when they needed his help. Lister supposed that this was only because having the option of touching made not being able to easier to bear. Still, considering that this was Rimmer, it was still a big sacrifice. Losing Red Dwarf also stopped all that "Up up up the ziggurat, lickety split" smeg. All in all it made him a more sufferable insufferable git.
"The planet's gravitational field is pulling us down towards the surface. Unfortunately we can't prevent that from occurring. All we can do is try to slow ourselves down as much as possible and hope that the damage to Starbug will be minimal enough to repair." explained Kryten.
"How are we supposed to do that then? Tie Lister's long johns to the back of the ship and hope that their sheer volume works as a drag chute?" Rimmer couldn't help but be pleased with his clever fat joke.
"No, sir. I was simply suggesting that we make as if we were going to land on purpose, 'use the brake' so to speak. We are moving much faster than we would be if we were going to intentionally land, but it should be enough to slow us down considerably before impact." answered Kryten.
The ship shuddered as they broke through the atmosphere.
"Here we go!" called out Lister, as he began trying to slow the ship down.
"All I can say is that if this crash even tries to crease my suit, someone's going to see one angry kitty." muttered the Cat, as the scraping sound of metal on gravel broke through the air.
