What if Christian didn't come back to Escala after Ana told him she was pregnant, what if he left her alone when she needed him the most? What if he took more from Elena than her advice, what if he realised she was right and Ana was not enough?
Post postpartum depression:
PPD: FEATURES IN THIS STORY IT IS A SAD FACT THAT MOST MOTHERS SUFFER, SOME IN SILENCE SOME SEEK OUT HELP.
Please be aware this is not a simple case of baby blues this is not, its about the tough unspeakable topic of postpartum depression, the first couple of chapters are harsh, but there is help and if it touches you or your family get help, its not a sign of weakness to ask for help.
This is a one shot discovery story and as word is in there yes there was an incident and so if you don't want to read it don't, but don't leave a troll comment if you don't like the cheating, there are many shades of gray betwix black and white, read first judge later chapter three is a killer lol...
All rights to the fifty branding are applied; this is my story using some of EL James's characters.
Chapter One: Nothingness...
"Doctor, oh God help me, this is argh, oh hells bells Christian." I screamed for Christian, but nobody came...
"Mrs Grey, your baby is on his way?" I screamed again, as the doctor tried to calm me down. "This will all be worth it in the end."
Why would it be worth? I didn't want the baby that had taken Christian away from me. However his son, like him was doing it his own way, I am ten days overdue and he refuses to budge. Just like his father, Baby Grey had been on his way for the last twenty two hours. I looked so fetching, with my legs akimbo, in stirrups, I'd been poked at, bloods taken and things and people are just sent in to annoy me, it's not at all comfortable and it is so embarrassing having people stare at my lady bits, bring on the C-section please. Why did I not do as other moms do and have the elective C-section? God it hurts, I am tired, a tad cranky and God so depressed, why am I here alone, why did I run, why do I think I can do this alone? Because he left me alone, I remember that and get the courage and then more anger takes over and finally my will power hits home, I need to see this through.
"Mrs Grey, you're in the last stages now, you've done really well, your ten centimeters and will be feeling the urge to push, we are here, so when you get your next contraction push down into your bottom, breathe in the gas and air it will ease the pain." I felt another contraction and grit my teeth and pushed down, screaming through my clenched teeth, that I will have Christian's bollocks served to me on a platter when I divorce the arrogant bastard. I let out a gasp of air and screamed more abuse at Christian.
My poor first time nurse had a sore hand and her ears were ringing with the amount of times, I had screamed at her to go away and leave me alone, if only everyone would leave me alone. I had thrown too many temper tantrums and refusing to give any contact details when I came in wasn't helping the matters, because I had nobody I wanted near me when I do this, I want to do this alone and I want to do it my way.
Why now of all the times possible did I decide to get my fight on, when did I decide this was my fight and it was one I would win?
"Mrs Grey are you sure there is nobody you want here with you I have my phone, I can call the father?"
"No... No... No I don't want that cheating son of a bitch anywhere near me or my baby..."
"Who is the father, I'm sure he would come?"
"No, I said, now leave me alone. Doctor does she have to be here? I made you all aware of my wish for privacy when I paid your clinics very high fees, for no questions no phone calls and no telling me what to do." As I said, the Ana having the tantrums and acting like a spoilt arrogant bitch is in the room at the moment.
"Very well Mrs Grey, Nurse Shaw, please calm down and respect Mrs Grey's wishes." She put her phone away.
She then held my hand as I apologised, the I screamed again, she mopped my fevered brow, I was angry, sick and doing this alone, and this was not how I envisaged this ending, the fairytale dream life had turned into a nightmare, and I am living it alone, by choice, this was my decision and mine alone .
"Argh shit, nurse help me this hurts, and I'm never having any more children. I hate you Grey; I really hate you...! I pushed down and Christ this was hurting, I was oh godding and not in a good way, bummer it hurts, it hurts, it bloody well hurts.
"Good girl, I can see baby's head." Another contraction, I'd been at this all day, I was so tired, easy she got it wrong the first nurse, my god this was bloody hard work and painful.
"Arg. Oh Christ shit that hurts." I pushed again, and it was the strangest feeling ever and Nurse Annoying was smiling. Then I let out the loudest scream ever, and shook wow did that hurt, it was a strange and very weird feeling.
"I can see his head, he has hair and curls, and oh there are lots of curls."
"Right Mrs Grey, hold back from pushing on the next contraction and pant through it. We need to turn your baby." I did I was told, our baby would be here with the next contraction.
"Oh crap he's coming damn it nurse; argh shit help me." The nurse, Sandra Shaw, I think she is called, she has been here all day helping me through our first delivery, both hers and mine, she was ecstatic and then he was out, my sheer relief that it was over was evident as I, oh godded, in a good way. It was a pain like no other. I cried, laughed, shook, and really began thanking God that it was over. That was not bloody easy at all, that first nurse lied and Nurse Annoying was crying like a soppy baby.
"He's beautiful." They all said. I cried as he cried, my baby was crying and alive and I wanted to die. I was shaking, cold and exhausted. Of course he is beautiful, have you seen his father, no you haven't Nurse Smiley Face, but if you had, it would be my husband you would be smiling at, not our baby, I thought as they offered me the child, I turned away and cried, I didn't sign up for this, I can't do this alone and I do not want to ask him for help. He lost that right when he left me alone and alone is how I am feeling right now...
"Oh my God that was amazing, Mrs Grey, he is beautiful, thank you Mrs Grey, for allowing me to witness his birth, my first baby, what is he going to be called?" He was being examined and weighed all whilst he made those baby crying noises. I ignored her him and the room full of well wishers who didn't know me, and I continued to brood, because I felt nothing.
"He is 8 lbs 5 oz.'s well done and he's a really good weight too." He was wrapped, and passed to me to hold and feed. I again turned away from him, they looked at me like I had three heads and spoke in a foreign tongue, had they not read the notes, I didn't want to hold my child I didn't want my child, he was possibly being adopted. The doctor asked me for the baby's name.
"Baby Grey for now, I haven't decided, and you nurse, thank you for staying, but can you go now I want to be alone?" She had a last look at the baby and scowled at me as she left, I heard her call me a bitch, so what, I am one, and I am a thoughtless selfish bitch, his last words to me as he left Escala that night were now ringing true...
Flashback...
When he hadn't returned two days later and Taylor refused to tell me where his boss was, instead he relayed a message a cold heartless message, he told me "Mr Grey will see you in a week, he is away on business", and that was a lie too, he would have been with him and as Christian didn't answer his phone, so after Taylor left, I packed a bag of simple clothes, went to the safe took out all the money, placed my rings and my jewellery in and left a note...
'Fuck you Christian Grey... Once a cheat always a cheat, next time you cheat though, it won't be cheating, because you can't cheat if I divorce you, and don't deny your adultery, I have the voice mail your girlfriend left, and there are plenty of grounds for divorce, a word of warning Christian don't have your fuck buddy drunk call me from your phone, whist she rides you. You are a Bastard, try to find me and I go public with your fucked up past, a past I knew you couldn't leave behind. I always knew I wasn't enough, that point was proven the night you left. I am taking care of the problem as you suggested and taking myself away from the poison you brought into my life, remember don't follow me, I don't want you any more, I didn't walk away either you pushed me Christian, remember that, you did this not me.. "
I left Escala by the service elevator, took my car and left it in the local grocery store car park, along with my phone. I went to the bank, and withdrew all the money we had in our joint account, after showing him my identification, I was shown to a room where the manager was sat, he handed me the phone and the bastard had called Christian, of course he had, I was taking a million dollars out of an account owned by the banks biggest client, yes that would arouse suspicion.
"Ana, was it always about the money, did you trap me with the baby, for the money?"
"Fuck you Christian Grey, and if it makes you feel better then yes, I did it all for money."
"Ana..."
"The time for talking was last week; I hope the business trip went well and it was worth it. I am leaving, you can go back to the place you call home I have left and I will never be coming back."
"Ana..."
"Christian, good bye..." I gave the arrogant ass of a manger back the phone, he had words and I was allowed the money. He piled it in a bag and I headed out on foot, aware that he knew where I was and knowing that I went back to the hotel room and I waited for him to come. He didn't...
I washed and dressed and went to my bank, then after making sure the money was put into my own account, I figured it would be safer than walking around with a million dollars. I headed out on my awfully lonely adventure. I hired a classy car using my credit card, a car that could be tracked. I made a quick visit to my dad's, where I picked up my paperwork and said goodbye to my father telling him I was heading home. Obviously, Christian hadn't been in touch with Ray or he would have said something. I then went and bought more normal clothes from Wal-Mart, the old Ana loved it in here. I had kept my bank account in my original name of Anastasia Steele; I know he will trace me and right now I'm a little confused and winging it, I am not the spy or nor do I employ spies, he does and they will follow me, if only to make sure I don't talk, he did that before I had even agreed to try and be his submissive, ha, I knew I wasn't enough, but he made me believe I was. I didn't care now whether I was or wasn't good enough for Christian, I would fight that battle another day with him. That day never came, he never came looking and that was when I broke down... I'd waited in plain sight for two weeks for him to come and apologise and to talk, and he never did. That's when I decided to make a clean break and leave my past behind me. After two weeks of hiding in plain sight didn't evoke a response, and I was failing miserably my road trip to forget, I headed off to Jamaica for some sunshine and sea, I figured I could be happy in the sun, wrong...
I flew to Jamaica first, and money talks and there I managed to get a new identity, I left Ana there in the posh rented villa, with security keeping all callers away, if he chose to come he would think I was still there, I doubt he would he had already made it clear I was not enough, and then I flew to England, I lived in a very cute village in Haworth in Yorkshire, where the Bronte's lived and wrote their famous novels. A village not far from Bradford, in the heart of West Yorkshire, it is so far off Christian's posh radar that he won't even think of looking for me here, and here I am, and here I am know as Gemma Burton, and as Gemma, I had a job in a small publishing house as a copy editor. I rented a small apartment, I ate properly and for all intense and purposes I carried on, I kept myself to myself and worked, ate, slept, did the doctor checkups and existed in the dark space that was now me. I was all ready depressed, but living here alone, made things worse. Then seven months later and here alone, I had our baby...
Flashback ends...
As I lay in the hospital bed looking at the ceiling, I hear a whimpering in the baby thing they have my son in, my son really, I have a son. I want to love him, I am supposed to love him, I loved his father and I got hurt. He, this tiny little thing will break my heart like his father did. I couldn't think straight, I knew I didn't want him, but I knew of a woman who would love him like her own... I was allowed home later that day, and I drove home, with his child. I had the basics for him back at the apartment. I fed him formula and the thing didn't stop crying, he knew I hated him, I wanted to love him, I really did, and on some level I must have. I cared for him and I had put off registering him, but I think that's what finally tipped me over the edge, getting back from filling my little man's birth certificate out. I had had him as Anastasia Grey, so that as me I could have Christian on his birth certificate, However when I put down his father's name a wall came up, a wall of sheer frustration and hate, anger and loathing for the man who had abandoned us, and what for, a woman with a whip and way to keep him amused, in a way it seems I couldn't?
I went home and when he slept, which wasn't for long, I was able to grab a little sleep, but no sleep my paranoia and my depression hit home and hard. I was in England illegally too, that didn't help, every knock at the door every stranger I saw, where they immigration or where they Christian's men? So I locked myself away with the child from hell, which was a mistake I would live to regret. I had been to see the doctor and what I am suffering from is severe postnatal depression, mood swings and a chemical imbalance are to blame, right, because nobody swings a mood like Christian Grey...
After three weeks of screaming and crying, and that was not just the baby, I did as much crying as he did. I thank god too, that one neighbour was deaf and the other out of the country or I think I would have had him taken off me. I sort of smiled at that and wondered would that have been a bad thing? It was my intention of having him adopted, at first, but I think deep down Christian being adopted sort of stopped me doing it to his son. Either that or below all this hatred and depression the old fun loving Ana is still there, I have to hope so, which in deed proved to be the point...
Three weeks after my son's birth, I reached that breaking point, a point where I finally accepted that I need the help of a good woman and my son had to be in safe hands, so with Theodore Raymond Grey, I am heading to Seattle, luckily for me his passport came through just in time, or I'd have been in prison on a murder charge. Yes I'd snapped, and I nearly smothered him a couple of nights ago, as he wouldn't stop screaming, I'd had enough, in my desperation for my peace and in an attempt to gain my sanity back, I did the worst thing ever, me Anastasia Steele, I nearly killed my son, why, because I was tired, alone and depressed. Suddenly something stopped me, and calm Ana was back, she took over and as she did I stopped, threw the pillow away and packed our things, ended my life in England as Gemma and we headed to the airport...
Getting to Seattle was a long and fraught flight, he was not a quiet baby at the best of times and this proved to be the case on the plane, I was in first class and in the bar most of the flight, as it seems his crying not only annoyed me, but most of first class too, he drank water and settled, and though I tried to sleep I was worried about what I would find when I get back, what would the reception be and what would the family and he do? I jumped in a cab and headed to a place I knew I would I hope be welcomed, and if I wasn't, I had to hope their grandson would be.
"Grace I need help, please help me... I am outside your house..." I didn't have too long to wait, before they opened the gate; the taxi drives up towards the house... Her smiling face greeted me and Carrick was by her side. As I stepped out of the car, she hugged me. Then she heard the cries of her grandson.
"Ana, you kept the baby?"
"I did, why would you think I hadn't?"
"Christian said you left, after he told you to abort it, the baby, his child, your child."
"I wouldn't do that Grace, but I do need help, can we stay here without him knowing we are here, not that he has bothered contacting me?"
"Ana he has searched high and low for you."
"I have been hiding out Grace. I been living in England, your grandson is British, and I did something I am deeply ashamed of..."
"Come in out of the cold, Ana you had Grace and I so worried darling. Come in, my grandson is definitely his father's boy, he likes the sound of his own voice, what's the matter little one?"Tell me about it... I gave the taxi driver a hunk of money, the poor man had had to listen to my child all the way from Sea-Tac...
"I know, Grace I went to the doctors several days ago, I have severe postpartum depression, DPP, I think the doctor called it? I had severe depression before I had him and suffered sleepless night for most of my pregnancy and stupidly after I had him I thought it would go away, however it got worse and I have been to hell and back and I can't get out of it Grace I need help, I need you to help, I need you to take Teddy and raise him for me, until I can. I want to love him, but I can't not after what his father did..." I sobbed into Carrick's shoulder and then passed out...
This story is a story about discovery, so don't hate me before you read it all. Lol thick skinned writer that I am, but give it your best shot and don't go all huffy on Ana and depression it really can be that bad, I have got the tee shirt folks... She did the best thing, and has not hurt the baby at all... so put your metaphoric pen down before you write she is a bad mum or Mom... read review and leave the negative if you wish after one chapter then do so, it is just a short possible ten chapter story...
