Road Trip to Mordor

A/N 1: This was originally inspired by a one-shot called "Whose Idea Was This?" by AraAlexisBlack, in which the Fellowship drove to Mordor. I kind of expanded on this, and added some more weirdness and insanity. Actually, a LOT more weirdness and insanity. This probably wouldn't be recommended for more hardcore Tolkienites. Just wait till you see what I've done to Saruman… *laughs evilly*
A/N 2: There will be some swearing in this; not a huge amount, but some. Mostly from Gandalf.
A/N 3: Despite whatever you may think after reading this story, I do not actually hate LOTR; in fact, I like it very much. Which is why I have painstakingly and relentlessly mocked every aspect of it that I could.
Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to the works of Professor Tolkien. I also don't own any of the films, books, TV series, songs, games or brands that are mentioned/quoted/referenced in this fic. This applies to all chapters.

The Fellowship of the Oreo

Imagine for a moment that the conspiracy theories are true, and that there are countless parallel universes, an infinite number of realities happening at the same time, but all slightly differently. In one middle earth, the Quest proceeds as normal – Frodo destroys the Ring, Aragorn becomes king, Boromir gives his life to save the hobbits and Legolas wins Captain Obvious of the Year award. Sound familiar, no? But in another middle earth, Bilbo sleeps in a few extra minutes and never quite catches up with the dwarves, and Frodo never inherits the One Ring. In countless alternate universes, curvaceous ellyth join the Fellowship, battle orcs and win the heart of every male from Imladris to Barad-Dûr, all without even breaking a nail.
And in one universe, tucked somewhere far at the edge of reality,
this happens...

'I amar prestar aen. The world is changed. Han mathon ne nen. I feel it in the water... Han mathon ne chae. I feel it in the earth... A han noston ned gwilith. I smell it in the air. It smells like nail-polish remover and raspberries.
'Much that once was is now lost, for none now live who remember it.'
'I remember it...' a timid voice piped up. The Lady Galadriel, roused from her introspections, turned to the interrupter in irritation. 'Shut up, Celeborn! Now, where was I...? Oh yes. It began with the baking of the Great Cookies. Three chocolate hobnobs for the Elves, 'cause we're smexy and awesome and immortal. Seven digestives for the Dwarf Lords, in return for the kindness they showed Snow White. And nine, nine Jaffa cakes were gifted to the race of men, who above all else desire power. And flashy sports cars. But mostly power.
'For within these cookies was baked the strength and will to govern each race – but they were all of them deceived. In the Hotel Mordor, in the Oven of Doom, Sauron baked a master cookie – One Oreo To Rule Them All. Into it he baked his malice, his cruelty, and his will to dominate all life.'
'I like oreos!' Celeborn said excitedly. Galadriel massaged her temples and wondered if it was possible to strangle an Elf with their own hair. Probably, she decided.
'One by one the free lands of middle earth fell to the power of the Oreo... but there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the forces of Mordor Hotel, and in the lobby of the hotel they fought for the freedom of middle earth. Victory was near. But the power of the Oreo would not be undone.'
'PRECIOUS!' Galadriel turned, startled, to see Celeborn caressing a spoon.
'Celeborn, you are ruining my dramatic monologue,' Galadriel said severely.
'Sorry.'
'Anyway, Isildur, son of the King, killed Sauron with a giant fork, and stole the Oreo,' Galadriel continued, trying to remember why she had married Celeborn. He was currently singing "staying alive" very loudly. It was most distracting. 'The-Oreo-betrayed-Isildur-and-some-things-that-sh ould-not-have-been-forgotton-were-lost.-History-be came-legend,-and-legend-became-myth,-for-two-and-a -half-thousand-years,' she gabbled quickly, before smacking Celeborn on the head and going to find some aspirin. A battered script fell out of the folds of her sleeve. Celeborn unfolded the paper and read, ' "The Oreo came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the Misty Mountains for 500 years, until it was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable: a hobbit. For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all."Interesting.' Celeborn carefully refolded the script. Then he ate it.


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Review please! Comments, constructive criticism and questions are welcome. Flames are not. Flames should only be used for destroying rings of power and making s'mores.