Chapter 1 : Plotting
"What are you gawking at, Evans?" asked James, following her dreamy gaze across to the Hufflepuff table.
"It's that bloody Edward Munch and Alistair Cable again" said Peter, a shudder of disgust running through his stumpy body. He pulled a face and continued to complain, "It's just disgusting. Why should we be forced to watch that while we're trying to eat?" he mournfully surveyed his plate which was stacked high with toast, crispy bacon and sausages, and then pushed it away with a sigh.
"It's not disgusting!" exclaimed Lily Evans. "What's wrong with two guys kissing? Stop making a fuss peter, no one is forcing you to watch and nobody else has a problem with it."
"Non of the other girls have a problem with it." corrected peter casting Lily an irritated frown as she turned to continue watching the two hufflepuffs kiss.
"ahhhh Lily," sighed James. "If only you'd stare at me like that."
At this lily snapped out of her daydream and with a smirk replied, "Well perhaps you and Sirius ought to have a little get together, maybe then I would."
Sirius half choked on his mouthful of toast at this and to his left a loud snort issued forth from behind a large book entitled: complex charms and harassing hexes. James, who was still grinning at Sirius's reaction politely enquired, "my dear Moony, did you want to add something to the conversation or was that loud and disgusting noise merely you huge brain attempting to escape through your nose?"
Carefully marking his page and setting the book down beside his pumpkin juice, Remus smiled and simply said, "well, it's just that Sirius has very high standards James, I don't think your good enough for him." James gasped with mock indignation and promptly pounced on Remus, getting him in a firm head lock and proceeding to poor pumpkin juice down his shirt.
At this Lily rolled her eyes, suppressing a smile, and walked off to sit with her friends further up the table. She knew very well that if she stayed she was likely to get a soaking herself, followed by crude suggestions from James which would doubtless involve her taking her wet shirt off.
Peter also seemed to fear a soaking and, after stuffing several pieces of toast into his pockets and with another disgusted looked toward the hufflepuff table, he scurried out of the great hall.
10 minutes, an angry Professor McGonagall and one hell of a lot of pumpkin juice later, James, Sirius and Remus were heading back toward the dormitory to change their clothes before Herbology.
"where did peter go anyway?" James asked, not that he was all that bothered. He was too busy running his fingers through his now sticky hair in a vain attempt to sort it out.
"I think he ran off while you were busy drowning Moony." laughed Sirius, slapping the young werewolf wetly on the back. Remus looked utterly bedraggled. His pale brown hair was hanging in soggy strands around his face and his skin were stained a faint orange. Sirius couldn't help but notice the way his wet shirt clung tightly to his torso, showing his thin, lean body. He shook his head as though to clear it and with a grin declared, "you look like shit Moony."
"Well you don't exactly look a million galleons yourself." retorted Remus, giving him a playful shove which sent him careering into a small group of 3rd year girls.
"what you talking about Moony? I always look damn fine and you know it." He threw a wink accompanied by his cheekiest grin toward the girls who all started giggling. Sadly Remus had to admit that what Sirius said was true. He did look good, all the time. He could wake up looking gorgeous, and he could still look gorgeous by the time he went to bed. He was the only guy in the school who could make pumpkin juice soaked robes look stylish. At the moment his wet hair was plastered to his scalp, but it only served to accentuate his high cheekbones and strong jaw line. His grey eyes were glittering with laughter as he turned to look at Remus, he was always happiest after causing some sort of mess or mayhem.
As they neared the dormitory Remus sighed and said, "Why do gay people upset Peter so much? There's nothing wrong with it is there?" he glanced anxiously at his two friends, not at all sure what their response would be.
Sirius shrugged and replied, "doesn't bother me, if two blokes want to suck face with each other who am I to make a fuss?"
James laughed, "well you are the expert on face sucking aren't you Sirius? I saw you drooling over that blonde girl after quiditch yesterday."
"what blonde girl?" asked Remus as casually as he could.
"just someone from Ravenclaw, it was just a one off though. She was so overcome by my amazing quiditch skills that she simply had to kiss me."
"yeah yeah yeah, because your just amazing in every way aren't you Sirius?" smirked James. Sirius just gave him a winning smile. "fruit and veg" James said to the fat lady, who had recently decided to try dieting and was constantly in a bad mood. She swung aside and as they climbed through James continued, "I know what you mean Moony, but Peter's weird and I don't think you'll change his mind about gay people"
"well if anyone's going to change his mind it'll be you James. He would lick you're ass if you asked him too"
"eww Sirius that's just gross, I don't want Peter anywhere near my ass"
"he's right though. If you were gay James, then he"d probably think it was cool" Sirius and Remus kept the jokes coming as they all changed into clean robes, but James was a little quieter, a look of mild concentration on his face and a little furrow in his brow which told all who knew him one thing: James was plotting a prank.
For once the Herbology lesson which the 6th year Gryffindors shared with the Ravenclaws didn"t involve them battling for their lives against some horrible oozing plant. As a result James and Sirius were finding it rather boring. Remus on the other hand was giving the lesson his full attention and doing his best to ignore the antics of his two best friends. He grabbed an empty pot and filled it with exactly 3 inches of dragon manure. After putting on his protective gloves he reached for the bowl which stood in the centre of the table. Slowly, carefully he lifted a green seed pod from the bowl. It was soft and a little squidgey under his fingers and he handled it with all the delicacy he could muster. He lowered it gingerly into the pot and covered it with another 3 inches of manure. For a few moments nothing happened and then with a soft whoosh a full grown plant shot up out of the soil.
"well done Remus!" cried professor sprout as she gave her favourite pupil a fond smile. "a perfect clarity plant. Yes, yes this can be used to cure blindness and deafness if prepared in the correct way. I'm sure professor Slughorn will be pleased with this. 10 points for Gryffindor." James, Sirius and Peter all cheered as they always did whenever Remus earned Gryffindor house points. Unfortunately for them their cheering only drew professor sprout's attention to the fact that non of them had done a single ounce of work throughout the entire lesson. "you three could learn from Remus, your all perfectly capable of completing this task!" she shrieked at them, "James you go and work next to Lily, she might actually be able to teach you something. Peter, you can come and work next to me and Sirius can..."
"please professor I am trying, it's just that I find Herbology so difficult," whimpered Sirius, gazing adoringly at her with an expression which could have melted the iciest of hearts. "perhaps if I was here without James and Peter to distract me then Remus might be able to help me."
Professor sprout's blue eyes softened, non of the female teachers could resist Sirius. "well I suppose so. But I expect to see you actually working for once Mr. Black." she grabbed James and Peter's arms and swept them away to the other side of the green house.
Sirius turned to Remus with a grin, "well looks like its just you and me now partner" he said, pulling on his own gloves with a flourish. Remus just smiled weekly and said "yep I guess so"
He spent the next half an hour teaching Sirius how to grow a clarity plant without causing the seed pod to explode all over himself. Once this task was finally completed Sirius turned to Remus and said with a cheeky grin, "so are you going to join in with this prank me and James are going to pull on Peter?"
"what prank?" asked Remus with a resigned look at his friend.
"well we haven't quite decided yet but it's going to be a big one, I guarantee it" he chuckled rubbing his hands together in anticipation.
"what's he done to disserve this one then?"
"oh well no specific reason. He's just been a bit of a grumpy twat lately and me and James haven't done a good prank in a while. So, are you in?"
Remus sighed, "no Sirius, your pranks always end up getting me into trouble and I don't see why you have to pick on one of your own friends. Count me out of this one."
"aww Remus, no fun! I mean we can do it to snivellus instead if you want, it's just that we fancied a change, you know? You might change your mind when we figure out what we're going to do."
"no Sirius I don't want to be involved with this one. I don't want to know what the prank is, when it's going to happen, or anything, ok? That way no one can get me into trouble"
Sirius sighed as the bell went, casting Remus a disgruntled look. "fine then." shoving his gloves back into his bag he walked off towards James and Peter. Remus followed with a soft sigh. He didn't like having Sirius mad at him, but as a prefect he really couldn't afford to get into anymore trouble. Especially after that exploding ink bottle incident last week. Besides, he thought, Sirius's moody behaviour would be gone by next lesson. He was always too busy having fun to stay in a grump at anyone.
Later that night in the common room Sirius sat curled up on one of the comfortable armchairs, a book of potions on his lap and a half finished potions essay tossed carelessly onto the floor. It had been thrown there as Sirius had come to the amazing conclusion that his sanity was more important then homework, and now he was simply refusing to do it.
As he sat there staring into the fire he didn't notice the young werewolf's amber eyes staring up at him. Remus sighed inwardly as he drank in his friends dark good looks and he felt his stomach squirm as a jumble of emotions exploded inside him. The werewolf in him was aching to stand up, walk to the object of his desires and kiss him no matter what the consequences would be. However the human in Remus knew that he could never do that. Sirius would be disgusted with him in the same way that Peter was with the two hufflepuff boys. If Sirius ever found out how he felt it would be the end of their friendship and nothing on earth would make him jeopardise that.
Just at that moment Sirius looked down at him and their eyes met for a second before they both looked away. Sirius rubbed his eyes sleepily, vaguely wondering why Remus had blushed when he looked at him.
"your not going to do you homework then?" sighed Remus.
"nope. I was beginning to die of boredom so I decided to stop." replied Sirius with a smile at his friend. "potions just isn't worth dying for I'm afraid."
"well if you don't do it, you will definitely die when Slughorn kills you tomorrow." He sighed, looking up at his dark haired friend who was still giving him that gorgeous smile. He felt a smile of his own tugging at his lips and with a resigned expression said, "would you like me to help?" Grinning even more broadly now Sirius got up out of his chair, gathered his things and went to sit next to Remus.
In the end Remus ended up finishing Sirius's homework for him, as he had known he would, he then politely told Sirius to bugger off so that he could concentrate on his own work. With a smile and a wave Sirius wandered off to find James who was conspicuous in his absence. As he turned to go up the stairs to the dormitory he noticed Peter sitting down next to Remus by the fire. He watched, amused, as Remus took the boy's homework with sigh and started to read through it. That boy was too kind for his own good sometimes.
Sirius entered the dormitory and instantly spied James sitting with a vacant expression on the edge of his bed.
"Had any ideas yet?" Sirius asked. Him and James had been quietly discussing various plans whenever they'd had a moment away from Remus and Peter. So far there had been several great ones, such as breakfast spiked with hair potion which would make Peter grow long thick hair all over his body, jinxing his shoes so that they wouldn't come off, and spreading invisible itching powder on the toilet seat. Great though these ideas were in their own right, both the boys agreed that this prank needed more substance. It had to be something subtle yet unsettling. Something completely original which they could pan out over several days. In short it had to be a work of art.
"I have had one actually. But Sirius, if we do this prank it will be the most daring prank we've ever done, it could make or break our reputations." James gave him what he hoped was a grave and serious look but it didn't have the desired effect.
Grinning, Sirius said, "ok then, are you going to tell me or not?"
"yeah I'll tell you. But first I just want you to know that although I love you as a friend we can never be more then that, so just control your excitement."
"ooooookayy, I'll bear that in mind next time I feel the urge to ravish you, you idiot. What's this stupid plan?"
James drew in a deep breath and then said very quickly, "I think you and me should be a gay couple." A stunned silence met this suggestion during which Sirius looked at James as though he'd gone completely insane and James grinned proudly about his idea.
"erm ... right, erm. I don't quite follow you mate" said Sirius, now looking distinctly uncomfortable.
"we should pretend to be gay together. For the prank. It'll be hilarious!" James grinned, jumping to his feet as he got completely caught up in his idea.
A slow smile spread across Sirius's face. "PRETEND. Jesus James I thought you were serious for a moment there."
James pulled a face with a laugh and said, "I know you did, you should have seen the look on your face. But honestly Sirius do you really think I'd go out with you?"
"'cause you would, who wouldn't." Sirius slicked back his hair and then pouted at James to make him laugh and said. "James, this is a seriously good idea. Nothing freaks peter out more then gay people. We can do it all gradual like. Start it of with just little things and really get his wand in a twist."
"yeah I know," James giggled. "I've been thinking about it a lot. I reckon we should start off with stuff like touching hands and staring at each other, that kind of thing. We could keep that going for a couple of days."
"uh huh. We should do that until he starts getting suspicious. Then maybe we could let him catch us holding hands under the table or something. He'd completely flip out!"
"definitely. But above all I think we have to deny it if he comes right out and asks us. If we just admit we're gay from the start then it wont be as much fun. We could really draw this prank out."
"ohhhh this is going to be great." Sirius jumped forward and hugged his friend. "you're a genius James. Truly the king of pranks."
James laughed, squirming out of Sirius's hug and said between giggles, "hold you horses there mate. Save all your manly affection for me for when we're in front of peter." They both grinned at each other, just as excited as the other. James frowned suddenly, "what about Moony? I know he said he didn't want to be involved but perhaps we should tell him about this. What do you think?"
"no way!" Sirius laughed. "come on James, you know Peter always goes to him when he wants to know something."
"I don't think Remus would give it away, Sirius. He may be against pranks but he's not going to ruin one on purpose."
"no, I know he wouldn't. I was just thinking that if we managed to trick both of them into thinking we were gay then Remus might help stir things up a little. If we manage to make Remus believe it then we know we have done a good job, consider it a challenge." They both laughed and then they sat on James's bed, heads close together and began to plot and scheme.
