I never thought it was possible to feel this ugly, hated and disgusted in one's life, but I feel it. I feel more than that… Those aren't the words I want to convey to you how I feel about myself. It's more like the essence of not wanting to be, or to be known as who you see. I want to not feel like I'm always missing something, or that someone looking at me has ordained me as unworthy to talk to. I've tried to become something I'm not and whatever clique that has fallen under I would always change again and again until I'd land where I am now.
Alone.
Sometimes I have dreams and I see different time periods of me with a family, having friends being loved. My imagination is a cruel one I'll tell you that. In each instance I've dreamed these alternate fantasies I feel like a lifetime has passed only to wake up in a cold sweat, alone and in my rundown studio apartment.
I used to be so ignorantly blissful with life to the point I hated it and wanted or more demanded something happen. I knew it would happen anyways just like in my dreams so why not get it done and over with. Have you ever known someone who wants tragedy to strike so their life isn't going smoothly anymore? In every dream I've ever had it all ends up with something happening to me whether it is me jumping off a bridge, getting into a car accident or being murdered in an alley. It's like some sick con I keep falling for over and over again.
There's a difference between those dreams and my reality, they always begin with me being happy and loved and cared for. But I'm not cared for; no one loves me I have no family who sincerely cares, no friends that call me just to bug me. I'm an orphan, outcast among my peers and not spared a glance by the opposite sex. The life I'm living is more a nightmare and far from the happy dreams I conjure up.
I used to have that one thing keeping me from going off the deep end. Every day I'd wake up and smile at my phone because someone loved me enough to leave me several goodnight texts and a few good morning ones. Than I'd get ready and look at myself too many times in the mirror and head out with this confidence Kami wouldn't know where to place.
When I met him he filled the void. He took away my loneliness and longing. When he was around it was like I could forget my dreams and the omens they seemed to come with and I could just be and feel loved. Trying to tune out what you know is going to happen is a skill many don't possess but I had mastered it. Something happened everyday till I lost the peanut butter to my jelly sandwich, the air I breathed and the person who would have died for me.
I've no one to blame but myself for what happened. Wow. Writing that last sentence might be the first time I've actually admitted out loud that it was me and no one else... he just couldn't stand to be around someone who was so broken and so easily forgotten. Maybe if I hadn't ruined everything with him this reality would be more like my dreams in the sense that I'd at least be happy for a little while longer. He was my universe, I honestly think I was born for him, he's my soul mate. He's the other half you hope to find. But whenever I've said those things why couldn't I mean it wholeheartedly? Why did it seem like he would say I love you more?
There are times when I see a face and I know I've met them before I can feel it in my core. It's like a huge case of De ja Vu washes over me. The girl he is with now, I know I've seen her before but every time I try to focus I hit a wall and the headaches that come after that are excruciating, a few times I've even gotten a nose bleed. Add that to the list of abnormal things that happen to me.
Looking at my clock I notice it's only 3:40 in the morning. Ugh, I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night like this. I've been getting fewer and fewer hours of sleep, causing me to look like something out of a horror movie. I'm starting to hear a wolf or some kind of animal howling. It's just like my dreams. I'm afraid and happy all at the same time. I always hear an animal howling before I'm about to die. But what are the odds that dreams really did foreshadow when you'd die? Laying back down on my futon I try and clear my thoughts to get a few more hours of sleep but everything seems to want to have a voice. There is one thing I keep thinking above all the other noise and that is
I'm Kagome Higarashi…and I'm…no one…
