Title: This year's love

Author: Ingrid aka 'Carter can have you'

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Rating: PG 15/R (for overall story)

Description: Angst, reminiscence for CarKem's- rejoice for Carby's (eventually)

Spoilers: Set straight after season 10, so all of season 10 WILL be discussed, but no spoilers from season 11 will be unspoiled, I promise. This is just my take on where things will go.

Summary: Kem's gone, Carters just trying to pick up the pieces of his life and start over from where he left off. Starts where season 10 left off.

Disclaimer: None of the characters or settings are my own, I just like to borrow them and play around with their lives now and then. Also the title and lyrics used are borrowed, see the author's notes for details.

Author's Note: Hello, I hope you enjoy this, it's an angst-filled assessment of Carter's feelings, post Kem, pre CARBY REUNION, (me hopes) any thoughts/feelings, review please. Feel free to email me a review, or whatever. I just hope it doesn't suck too much :-p

Also, by the way, the lyrics used and the title of this fic is from a beautiful song by David Grey, called 'This year's love' I just thought it was highly appropriate. Ok, here goes...

The Congo

He went over there,

What for? A reconciliation?

He's not that naive, not anymore.

For closure?

No. He's not over her yet, don't be silly now. How can anyone share so much with someone only to lose it all, and then take merely three months to get over it?

But he wanted closure, didn't he?

No, before he went over there he didn't see that he needed it, he still loved her, he was blinded by that, and although he has achieved some kind of closure, he still doesn't see what's right or what's meant to be.

But he will, won't he?

One can only hope.

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own, too long
When you hold me like you do
It feels so right, oh now
Start to forget how my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feelin' like I can't go on.

'When I first saw you, that night, you looked beautiful, completely exotic in the candlelight and I couldn't take my eyes off of you,' He looked into her dark eyes imploringly, it was as if he was a little child, begging her to stay for tea, but she would have none of it.

'Stop it John' she turned her head away and looked at the ground, the recent drought had made it dusty and start to crack.

'I loved you even then Kem, I love you now' He reached into his soul, trying to find the right words, ones which meant something, but could only bring up these tired over-used phrases.

'That's enough John, I've had enough of everything, we're over. It's for the best, you know it is' she was tired, tired of the way she had let him feel for her, tired of their relationship, she didn't need any of this, really did she? Of course she had loved him, but that was because of the baby. Wasn't it?

'We're over' those cold words hammered into his head, what else had she said? It really hadn't registered in his brain. He just stood there, looking at her, his eyes brimming with tears, he tried to blink them away, looking up again, only to find her, no longer there, but hugging him, her arms around his shoulders. She let him rest his head on her shoulder as he wept quietly. She felt sad, but not completely, she had to do this, she had to be strong.

Kem thought hard, letting go would be so difficult, over the past year she had been so selfish, letting this wonderful man into her life like this and making all these promises to him, promises she could never, would never have been able to keep. Her true heart was the Congo, she loved her country, the people she worked with, the people she helped. He had gone over there lost, hoping to find himself, instead, he had found her. She had proven to be a pleasant distraction from his worries. Instead of working at resolving his troubles and problems, he had worked at their relationship, being with her, nothing else. He had created a safety net, protecting them, from the world. Protecting him, from his past, in Chicago. He had gone over, confused about his job, unsure of what to do, he loved County, it was a home to him, but could he bear to stay in the same position for the rest of his life, or would he move? Or would another job open up at County? How long would he have to wait for that? Was it worth the wait?

Also there was Abby, oh sweet Abby. He had left her, written her that awful letter, and then not seen her again until he went to Chicago with Kem in love, and pregnant, announcing to the world the beginning of their life together. Abby was his best friend, he had thought her the love of his life at one point, and he hadn't even made a phone call to her beforehand. How had he been able to live with that? He hadn't, but he had suppressed any thoughts of her whilst with Kem. Now, when seeing her or thinking of her, his mind went numb. Because he had trained himself to do it, because he was going to be with Kem for the rest of his life, because she was going to have his baby, Wait that came out wrong, he backtracked, he was just thinking in his head, but the thought of him and Kem only staying together because of the baby, that wasn't true. Well it wasn't at the time. Does that mean he still loved Abby, despite the past year? He hasn't even allowed himself to ponder it.

He lifted his head up from off of her shoulder, and looked into her eyes, they were red and salty, so, she had been crying too, he mused.

'Kem' he spoke, his voice harsh and his throat suddenly dry.

'If you had never gotten pregnant, would we still be together?'

she closed her eyes, at least he had acknowledged they weren't an item anymore, it made it easier for her.

'I don't know, John'

He searched her eyes, hurt. She rubbed his shoulders, and bowed her head, still keeping eye contact.

'God, I don't deserve you, John,'

He shut his eyes, it hurt when she said things like that, but now it hurt even more whenever she said his name.

' I honestly don't know if we would have still been together, we might have been, but we might not have been. John, we were having fun, it wasn't as serious as you like to think, but I did have fun, I loved being with you, but it isn't the only chance for love we'll have, not in life. But with each other, I'm afraid it is. The baby, it happened. I don't regret it, and it wasn't what kept us together, it was just what kept us from falling apart. I know you said we could get through it, and we did, but there's more to come, and I don't think we can do that together, you need to be on your own, look after yourself for a change, instead of looking after other people. All your life you've been trying to save other people, when you needed to save yourself. You couldn't see that yourself, so I had to help you, now its time for us to say goodbye.'

He smiled thinly, it was all he could manage.

'you're right' he replied ' I just want to say thank-you. I don't regret anything either.' They embraced. He thought, as he stood in her arms, about how he would miss her, would miss what they could have had together, but he would never know. Could he live with that? Yes, now he could.

Authors Note-This was going to be a standalone, but I have more written, if anyones interested, we all love a Carby reunion, obv ;-)

Next chapter, Carter bumps back into his old life, literally.